By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"The world is full of Kings and Queens
Who blind your eyes and steal your dreams
It's Heaven and Hell, oh well
And they'll tell you black is really white
The moon is just the sun at night
And when you walk in golden halls
You get to keep the gold that falls"
-"Heaven And Hell" By Black Sabbath

The band WrestleMania has is AC/DC. That's way too edgy. The band should be "The Wiggles," singing their cutesy songs. Usually WrestleMania has a tagline like "Where It Begins Again" or "All Grown Up." Perhaps the WrestleMania 25 tagline could be "WrestleMania 25: For Kidz!"

I say this because from the content shown, I can only assume that WWE wants to market WrestleMania to eight-year-olds. Rock's movie "Escape From Witch Mountain" took in $24 million dollars even though it's mediocre crap that makes regular people want to shove sharp things into their eye sockets. Understand that it can give the kids something to do, but man. Perhaps that's the idea WrestleMania is striving for. A big ol' payoff that appeals to the kiddies. Meanwhile people over the age of 15 who watch WWE are left wondering if those boys in Stamford, Connecticut have lost their minds.

What I hate most about wrestling is the notion that there are only two directions you can go. Option 1: Lame kidz crud. Option 2: Stupid frat boy crud.

I like to have a little bite with the storylines. When I talk about being edgy, I don't mean "stupid edgy." The kind of crap WWE served up years ago where it was all about lesbians, poo, swearing, and raping dead corpses. I'm talking about Jericho vs. HBK type of edgy. The feud that really connected with the audience.

But it's all about the majority here. I can only assume that WWE wants to paint WrestleMania 25 as a Saturday morning cartoon special. Harmless and gutless is the way to go. As a fan I understand the concept of "taking steps back in order to reach the payoff," but isn't WrestleMania supposed to be the biggest payoff of them all? I can't imagine why any casual fan would order WrestleMania. True, WWE still has two weeks left to go to pump up the PPV, but as it turns out now the card just looks weak.

Just because WWE is focusing on the younger audience does not mean that it has to serve up lukewarm feuds and painfully simple storylines. And the whole "PG" side of WWE is actually hogwash. Children can learn the following things from wrestling...

-Breaking into somebody's house and threatening to kill innocents is perfectly fine, because you can just post bail (Triple H)
-Once you win a lot of money, you can act like a douchebag (HBK)
-Blackmail is perfectly acceptable. It's okay that you know people who film people in their locker rooms unknown to them (Cena)
-Violence is always the first answer to life's problems
And then there are the obvious ones that don't need mentioning. Heck, we haven't gotten into TNA trashy bits yet. But onto Raw...

HBK can get away in acting heel and having the crowd weep at the sight of him because he's the heartbreak kid. HBK punking out Taker is somewhat intriguing, even though I'm confused why the character of HBK has to go down that route.

This Vickie-Show-Edge love triangle is as credible as a fake tattoo. The lovey-wovey thing Vickie-Edge played up on Smackdown was fine. Edge and Show fighting for Vickie's love? That's the main focus in going into their triple threat match? Fighting over Vickie? For the frickin' main event at WrestleMania 25? Wow.

Even more wow: If you look for Vickie picks on Google, you get the disturbing eBay pics. Aieeee!

It's official: The Triple H vs. Orton feud has expired. Good job of managing to turn a once hot prospect into the worst garbage WWE can shovel out.

Triple H does give some helpful lessons to us all. If you break and enter in somebody's house and threaten to kill people with a sledgehammer, why you can just post bail because you're so rich. If you want to take out one of Orton's buddy male models, you don't just straight up defeat him in a one on one match. You use your connections to have a friggin steel cage come in so you can beat up on him more.

You know, I haven't gotten enough of "Smart Trips" on...gee...nearly every frickin Trips feud. What I want to see is a great feud filled with great conflict. There's no real conflict here to get excited about. It's Trips feeding his ego and wondering how bad Orton will look next time around.

I can't predict the future. So I don't know if Trips is getting portrayed as Super Trips because he's going to eat a loss at WrestleMania. That would sort of justify SuperTripsMania going on. But if Trips wins at Mania, then the bit where "Trips destroys Cody Rhodes inside a steel cage" goes to only prove the point that the character of Trips has gone far beyond the point of no return (credit to i257.photobucket.com for pic).

What does Trips-Orton serve up? Orton spouts off childish threats while usually he or his baby oil buddies are getting owned. Trips plays the greedy kid in a candy store where the spotlight shines brightest on him and him alone.

I don't necessarily agree that the "keys to the kingdom" should be handed to Orton. Let's face it; two years ago he was a typical meathead that was lucky to get a feud with Dusty Rhodes. He had a real bad reputation. And I don't necessarily think that Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase should be treated like royalty. The thing that bothers me about it is that SuperTrips is all we see. It's past old. There was a poll asking pwtorch.com readers what's wrong with TNA. If they did a poll asking, "What's wrong with the WWE," you could put "Triple H" as a big fat option.

I don't believe in the character of Orton when he claims that he's gonna take out Trips when nearly every Raw he is the one getting punked out. While Orton gets a beat down at the end of Smackdown, Trips so far has gotten his own Jason Voorhees moment, the "I'll kick your ass inside your own mansion" moment, and the "I'll kick the ass of one of your male model buddies inside a steel cage" moment. I can't relate to this feud at all.

Here's how the Trips-Orton feud could have gone:

RAW 3/16

Raw checks in with a recovering Vince at the hospital. Vince promises that he will be at WrestleMania. His son Shane is beside him to take care of him.

A limo pulls up. It's Stephanie McMahon. Trips smiles and says, "Looks like business is going to pick up" (or something else smug). A backstage bit shows Trips and Steph talking in her office.

It's Cody Rhodes vs. HBK. HBK picks up the win. Later in the show, Orton comes out and abuses WWE personnel (announcers, refs). Orton states that he is out in the middle of the ring. No reason for Trips to attack him in his own home. "Come out and face me like a man!" Triple H comes out, all set to go. Orton directs his attention to the video screen, where backstage DiBiase and Rhodes are beating up HBK. Trips runs off (because he still cannot attack Orton yet due to legal mumbo jumbo) to help HBK. The Undertaker shows up to save HBK and scare off Orton's dogs. The camera shows Trips running in. "Orton." He has realized that he has let Steph alone. This was all a trap laid out by Orton to leave Steph defenseless.

The cameraman follows Trips back to Steph's office. She is fine. She reassures Trips that she can take of herself and that "Orton doesn't have the gumption to hurt a McMahon again."

It's DiBiase vs. Trips. Trips squashes DiBiase (let's be realistic here). On the video screen, Orton has grabbed a cameraman backstage.

The camera reveals that Steph is walking in her limo. Suddenly tires squeal and a car rams into the limo's door. Orton walks out of the driver door, and says, "Oops. My bad. Guess I'm not a very good driver." Rhodes picks him up and they drive off. Show ends with Trips running out and swearing that Orton will get his.

SMACKDOWN 3/20

Orton's promo:

"I know what you must be feeling, Triple H. After all, accidents will happen. You thought that you could threaten my wife in my own home and get away with it? An eye for an eye, Hunter. I look out and I see these pathetic people chanting your name. It makes me sick. Come on, Hunter. Come out and face me. Oh, that's right. You're at the hospital. The very hospital that Vince McMahon is staying at. I wonder how he is doing. My foot is still sore after I punted that old man in the skull. Take care of your wife, Hunter. Who knows. I might stop by and say hello."

RAW 3/23

The mood is somber at Vince's hospital room (remember, Vince and Steph are at the same hospital). Shane promises Vince that Orton will get his at WrestleMania. Because of the threats Orton made, Shane has brought in security guards to patrol the area.

Trips is at the hospital (where he has been all this time), at the bedside of an unconscious Steph. He gives a no-bulls**t promo not involving fat jokes or smug remarks. He talks about how he blames himself for the accident that happened to Steph. We see some truly poignant stuff as we see the character of Triple not using connections, not getting favors, and not being Super Trips. He see stuff that a common person can relate to. We see a man who blames himself for what happened.

Then Triple H gets angry and promises Steph that he will utterly destroy Orton. "He's going to pay for every single thing he's done. Oh yes, he will pay."

Shane's voice pipes in the hospital intercom: "Hunterrrr...Oh, Hunter." The camera shows Trips looking up at the intercom box and then focuses on it. "Thought you might want to check out something. Turn on Raw."

Triple H turns on the bedside TV to see Shane grabbing a beaten up Vince by the hair. Turns out that Shane has bribed the guards to take the night off. Shane gives a furious promo about how Vince never gave him a chance. "Just wanted to tell you, father. I want to tell you a secret. It was me who caused that stage to fall down on you. Guess what, father. I invited the true heir to the WWE throne. The future. And my dear friend. When I went to war with this man, I knew that he was the future. It was all planned out long ago, Hunter. Randy has been my 'associate' for a long time now. Here he is, father. The man whose going to take over the WWE..."

Orton appears. Triple H tells the cameraman to stay in the room. He turns off the light and locks the door. Trips goes running after Orton. Orton beats up on Vince while Shane laughs (as an added bonus, Vince is hooked up to a heart monitor. The tubes are pulled out, thus having the "flatline" sound for the heart monitor). Orton and Shane scamper off. Trips comes into the room and checks on Vince. The camera reveals that Shane has left Raw on the bedside TV. Trips is seeing the cameraman inside Steph's room turn on the lights and open the door. Shane has already told Orton where Steph is hiding. Turns out the cameraman in Steph's room was DiBiase in disguise. Orton yells into the camera, "Tsk tsk, Hunter. You failed to protect her once again." DiBiase drops the camera on the ground, so that the events that take place are unseen. Steph wakes up and screams her bloody head off. Show ends. (Nothing happens to Steph. Orton and DiBiase just scare her and run off).

SMACKDOWN 3/27

Vickie comes out and does her "Edge loves me! No, Show loves me!" crap. Vince McMahon swaggers down the ramp and tells her to take Show to a dinner and a movie. He's in charge. The first order of business? Triple H vs. Orton at Mania will be a "No Holds Barred" match. Secondly, Trips will face DiBiase, Rhodes, and that "bastard son of mine, Shane."

"Oh, by the way? Triple H, feel free to bring down a sledgehammer. It's perfectly legal." He also says that Shane will be handcuffed to the ropes. If DiBiase and Rhodes try to weasel their way out of the match, they will be fired immediately. DiBiase, Rhodes and Shane sell fear like none other.

DiBiase, Rhodes, and Shane are awaiting the arrival of Trips. The lights go out. The camera reveals that DiBiase and Rhodes are laid out cold. Who did it? Why, it's none other than Orton himself. Orton beats up the ref (because the ref has the key to Shane's handcuffs) and unhooks Shane. Shane shows that he is proud of Orton. Orton grabs the mike. Not even looking at Shane, he talks about how Team Priceless was worthless to him. He just used them to get ahead. "I don't need any distractions when I face Hunter." He turns his head to face Shane. "Now there's one more distraction I need to take care of." He RKOs Shane. Trips comes running out, but the coward heel Orton has already left, laughing his head off.

RAW 3/30

Orton wants Trips to come out to the ring. WWE has hired security to fill the ring so that no disturbances can arise.

Orton's promo:

"You see Hunter, you have gotten into my head. When Vince McMahon made fun of my father, I fought back. When Steph embarrassed me, I fought back. I'm just making my stake in this business. But you never were interested in others getting a piece of the pie, were you Hunter? Even in Evolution I was always held down and treated like a child. WrestleMania 25 is the granddaddy of them all. What you need to understand Hunter is that my need to beat you and become WWE champion has plagued my thoughts. Every single waking moment all that is running through my head is this: 'Beat Hunter.' Just imagine it, Hunter. You, lying down on the mat. Me, holding the WWE championship over your broken and battered body. I need to beat you. I must beat you. And I will beat you. Because you will NOT deny me my rightful claim. It's not destiny, Hunter. It's a matter of will. Nothing will stop me from putting my name in the wrestling books, to have my name chanted and remembered by these people whether they like me or not, and to be crowned champion at WrestleMania 25. You will NOT deny me my dream, to once again become top dog in WWE and establish my name. The McMahons are out of touch and they won't let anybody take over their empire. I will beat you to establish my legacy."

Trips: "Keep telling yourself, Orton. What you need to understand is that you crossed the line. So you didn't get a break. Tough. Just proves to me that you didn't have the WILL to take what you wanted. But you're right, Orton. No more distractions. At WrestleMania, it's personal. When I beat you, the world will know that you're nothing but a whiny punk. You hurt the ones I love, Randy. Payback is coming. Oh yes, it is coming. You think that you're going to take this title? You think you're going take away my heart? My blood? My sacrifice? Because that's what this title represents. That's what this title represents to the past champions who have worn it. In one week, Orton, you will know the meaning of pain. Game on."

Triple H then signals the security force to hold Orton in place (because Trips got connections yo). Steph and Vince swagger down the ramp. Take their time slapping Orton. Orton is furious. He's yelling and pissed off that he got embarrassed by the McMahons. He promises that Triple H will get his.

Or something like that. The above is flawed (too much of an adult storyline for WWE's kidz audience, perhaps too much love for Orton, too fast-paced) and it could definitely be tweaked, but at least it doesn't involve Trips beating up on a male model inside a steel cage.

In current form, Orton vs. Trips is basically two rich snobs living off the fame of their last name duking it out. Basically the feud could be Orton scratching Hunter's Porsche with his Lexus ("That's just a poor man's BMW, Randy"). And it just makes WWE look out of touch.

Know why I can't connect with Trips and Orton? Because I don't view them as real. Only in the middle of a recession would WWE have Trips beat up Orton in his own fake mansion and have Trips peel off in a gas-guzzling SUV that gets about eight mpg. I don't expect WWE to show Orton eating corndogs in an apartment nor for Triple H to drive away in a 1985 Toyota that has a spare tire on it because Trips can't afford new tires. But if they question why the older demographic is slowly turning off WWE programming, it's because WWE just looks so old and out of touch.

If WrestleMania 25 does huge numbers, fine. Personally I'm wishing that the whole thing will just end. Or that JBL says he's fighting Rupert Murdoch for ownership of the company or joining those evil-sons-of-bitches AIG. Or another boring beer drinking contest with Stone Cold (credit to fancast.com for pic).

Rey Mysterio vs. JBL at Mania? A little late for the party. Fine enough (crowd should be behind this match considering its location in Texas). There's a reason why they got rid of the European, Cruiserweight, and Hardcore championship belts.

Piper, Snuka, and Steamboat vs. Jericho could very well be Piper, Snuka, and Steamboat vs. The Miz? It's "HOF vs. some young snot who doesn't respect the older generation." Miz could play Jericho's role (albeit people would piss on that match). Jericho vs. HOFs isn't really the best use of Jericho in the ring, although Jericho can make anybody look good. But this all things seems to be a cheesy bit to plug the "Legends Of WrestleMania" video game or the Hall of Fame itself. WWE can do a bit where they trot out HOFs to come down the ramp and beat up on Jericho. Stone Cold, Hulk Hogan, and Sgt. Slaughter all dance and sing at the end. "Now this is a vintage WrestleMania moment!" Cole screams.

I do wonder how they'll hype up the fact that Flair and Rourke might be in attendance. Perhaps a graphic of Flair and Rourke sitting in chairs. "Pay to see Flair sitting in the front row! Woooo!"

Cena-Edge-Show might be one of the lamest main event buildups ever. I can't wrap my head around it. I'm not lying when writing that HBK vs. Taker is looking to be the only reason to check out WrestleMania. Everything else has really questionable bits surrounding it.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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