By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

Miz and Maryse would make a nice couple. They would resemble Spencer Pratt and whoever he's married to at the moment. But there's no time for wishful thinking, it's time to get some Divas action on Superstars.

The team of Rosa Mendez and Beth Phoenix are coming down. Cole talks about how the Divas are "Sexy, smart, and powerful." It's good that they spent so much time thinking up that tagline like WWE was selling the Divas as household materials you just gotta own. Sexy? Have you taken a look at the Divas? There's Layla and then there's not-Layla. I'm not sure about the whole "smart" thing. TNA's ladies are dumb bimbos and I love them. I want smart people to handle my indictments and to get me out of jail. I don't really care if Rosa Mendez has a master's degree in philosophy.

"You dummy. We put that crap there for the little girls. The future WWE divas." Really, WWE? As far as I can tell you really hate fat women. Remember what your company did with the Khali kiss cam? The Vickie fat jokes by Trips? The Vickie fat bashing by Edge? Not everyone can afford breast enhancement surgery and have their tummies stapled like a good portion of your Divas.

Oh yeah, the whole "powerful" thing. It's too bad that I'm having a hard time just remembering who the damn champions are in the WWE women's division. They can out-bench Mark Henry but it's hard to remember what their damn names are. Yay.

Right off the bat, I can tell you about the Knockouts feuds: Daphne vs. Taylor Wilde and Tara vs. Angelina Love. I know the character motivations and the feud itself. It's quite telling that lately in WWE PPVs there hasn't been any on-air women's matches.

So here comes the PG-rated strippers. "Shake what your momma gave you, but don't shake it too much." Jerry Lawler is sweating profusely and picking his tongue up the floor over...the Bella twins? Quick poll: The Bella twins? I'm supposed to lose my cool over the Muffin Top Mamas?

Man, I would watch Stacy Keibler just stand in the ring. And yes, I do own a copy of "The Comebacks," which stars...Stacy!

The drama of the match was wondering if the Muffin Top Mama's pants was going to fall down.

Beth and Rosa win. "So impressive." Ladies make their mad faces.

Raw Rebound: I don't know what they recapped. From all of the flashing lights and shaky camera work, my eyes fell out of my head. I understand that it makes the action intense, but it's worthless if fans have a conniption while watching it.

Triple H beats up my ex to a nice metal groove. Thanks, Trips, for beating up that backstabbing jerk. When I came into the relationship with Orton, I thought that I really knew him. But he turned out to be a loser. Now there's you, Trips. You're ugly as hell and you're a bit of a prick. I'm sure we'll get along fine.

They hype up next week's Raw, or when USA Network makes WWE their own personal play toy. Big Show in the championship picture? When the last time Show won a match? Show lost a tag team match to Cena and Chavo recently. You can't use the "Vickie" cause anymore.

I'm trying to figure out what feud is worse: Cena vs. Show or Daniels vs. Douglas.

Wellness Policy violations are coming. I don't have much of a problem of wrestlers smoking weed in their hotel room (as long as I'm not in that same hotel room). I do have a problem if they decided to get behind the wheel of their rented car while on weed.

Steroids in wrestling isn't as clear cut as steroids in baseball. People hate players who have used steroids because they want to protect baseball itself. Everybody plays on the same playing field. Don't cheat to win.

But in wrestling, guys use steroids to speed up their healing process. Many guys often don't have the luxury of getting a long rope in terms of rehab. Out of sight is out of mind, and more often than not out of a job. I would like to believe that a wrestler can't just land a job by just having big muscles, but that's false.

And then there's the painkillers. I'm glad that Kurt Angle is off doing bad movies and being off TNA television. There was a time when many people were scared that he was going to break his already broken neck in the TNA ring from pushing himself too hard.

Download Randy Orton's ringtone, says WWE. Even though you hate him. Right? He despises you. He's the most hated heel in WWE, right? Just play along, will ya? Buy his ringtone.

It's a taped up Evan Bourne vs. Zack Ryder. I get that Ryder dresses up like an idiot because it gets attention, but here's the problem. That damn one-legged outfit. Even the biggest tool in the world wouldn't wear that.

Zack Ryder has a gimmick, a catchphrase, his own logo…what am I looking at here? The next Edge? I am! Sure that pissed off you Edgeheads.

Curt Hawkins probably refused to wrestle in that one-legged outfit. Vince keeps Hawkins trapped inside his limo's trunk in case Ryder whoos himself too much.

Apparently, Matt Striker speaks Ebonics. Mr. Nosebleed chides Striker for not knowing what "woo woo woo" means. Gorilla Monsoon-"The Brain" Heenan it's not.

"Woo woo woo" says a defiant Ryder. I don't know what it means. I'm scared to find out.

Camera way too close. Understand that they want to focus on the emotion on the faces (not a good case here), but I have no sense of mat geography, so to speak.

Zack Ryder looks like Hugh Jackman's Wolverine haircut in those "X-Men" films. All jacked up.

Bourne gets the win. Can't rip on Ryder anymore after a match like this. Who can I rip on? There's always Kozlov, but ripping on him is no fun.

Next up is Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio. Jim Ross talks about how physically tough JoMo is. He can grate cheese with his abs.

Would like to see more of this feud, but JoMo can't touch Jericho's flow right now. JoMo looks to be stuck in mid-card hell with the dorky Shelton Benjamin.

Up next on WGN America: "The world's most shocking moments caught on tape 2. Do you want to see building being blown up? Courtroom fights? People falling down? A freaking dog attacking a man? Car crashes? Sinking ships? A crazy bull? Huh? You don't? Why not?"

SUPERSTAR'S VERDICT: Very Absurd

(credit to media.photobucket.com and img4.allvoices.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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