By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

Sucker Casual Fan: "Hey, this is the PPV where WWE goes extreme! They only do this once a year! I'm going to buy it! There's going to be blood and carnage! Yeah!"

After viewing Extreme Rules ... "What was that? You got to be kidding me! I want my money back!"

Slam Seven is all about the number seven. 7 deadly sins. TNA has been in existence for 7 years. It's going to be big. They're bringing back some old TNA stars. Can they bring back the girls in the dancing cages? For old time's sake?

The "Slammiversary" title reminds me a bit of Jericho's "Pummelmania."

TNA wrestling opening: "Every once in a while ... a match is so profound ... it alters the course of history ... much like every PPV match we ever shilled...believe..." Sting vs. Angle is tonight. That's all I care about. And plus some me doing some Raven smooching.

Bang bang. Here comes Mick Foley.

Are they still talking about J.J. punching ref Hebner? How about some visual proof, boys? No? Shucks. Here I thought y'all cared about making your bits believable.

Foley promo: "One to four times a year I would to defend my title. Eventually there would be a day when the gold would be taken away. JJ has taken away my smile." You see, Foley cares about Hebner being punched out. You believe it, dontcha?

When Jeff is strutting down the ramp with his best frowny face on, Don West talks about what a awful thing Jeff did to poor Heb. "I tried talking to Heb, and this is what he said to me: 'Mmprgh mmprgh mmprgh!' He can't speak! That bastard Jeff broke his jaw! Now Heb's jaw is wired shut! He'll be drinking out of a straw for the rest of his life! He needs his voice! To count the 1, 2, 3! If Heb can't do that, he doesn't want to live in this world!"

Hmmm. Heb, as a ref, needs his voice. Or he doesn't want to be part of this world. I'm glad that those TNA boys and gals are spending oodles of time thinking up new West's ludicrous statements instead of analyzing their own storylines and going, "Hey! Wait! We forget to show visual proof!"

It's cool and all that's your hip that you're a bunch of knuckleheads, but typically when you built an angle around an act, that act itself actually resonates with the fans.

It's like they tried to get all WWE on y'all with this Jeff punching out Heb. Here's a tip, TNA: Don't bother. So Jeff punched out ref Heb. Big deal. Heb screwed Bret anyways. And plus he's a freaking ref. Why, oh why, didn't you have Jeff give an elbow drop to a bunny rabbit? Oops, I just gave out what they're going to do next week.

Jeff comes out in a jobber t-shirt hyping up Slam 7. That Slam 7 t-shirt was a special kind of awful. The front had the PPV date, seven stars, and the back showed a spaceship taking off. Some TNA intern went to customink.com and spent five minutes on it.

I want to buy it, though. For prosperity sake's. No way would you catch me wearing the current Orton t-shirt in public. I would feel some sort of deranged pride in wearing the Slam 7 shirt around.

The Slam Seven S--- Shirt did give me an idea about the "Absurdity" t-shirt for the absurd army. Maybe one day...

Team 3D is talking with Lauren. Guess what, boys and girls? Raven is behind them, under the faint blue glow of the DirecTV logo. I find myself doing that too. I'll just sit outside Best Buy and just stare at people coming in. Because I'm an anti-social rebel.

Team 3D doesn't like foreigners. Team Xenophobia! Yeah!

Lauren runs away from Raven. Why you running, Lauren? Us anti-social types are really just looking for somebody to talk to. Please! We're so miserable! Raven wants to talk to you about new installments of Futurama being brought back to television! It's his favorite show! He watches it while holding his blankie!

Commercial break: If you thought Green Day sold out when "Dookie" came out, you're wrong. When you thought they sold out when "Time of Your Life" came out, you were still wrong. Now it's official: Green day has completely sold out. Thank you.

Jeff Jarrett must think he's Matthew McConaughey at times. He's in the back, talking to JB. Like the gratuitous 6.21.2009 plugs in the back.

Will Jeff get thrown out of the building? Will he be released from TNA? Will he release another country hit? Will he visit a nude karaoke bar? Can he dress himself without help? Stay tuned.

TNA sure loves to pump up how great their tag team division is: "What the tag team situation is like in TNA." We get it. Now let WWE fans sulk in the miserable Carlito/Primo vs. Rhodes/DiBiase feud. Whimper.

It's Alex Shelley vs. Jay Lethal, but it's really Team MCMG, Team 3D, and the British Invasion.

Take a look at that jacked-up Brit's arms. It's wider than a small child's head in the background.

Oh no. Doug Williams hits Devon with a...briefcase. Sorry if I can't believe that a briefcase shot to the back just immobilizes ya. I don't remember any briefcases used in that ECW Hardcore (phffff!) match at ER.

Foley is in the back, talking to JB about poor Earl Hebner. Kind of makes me think you've got a pile of crap but you're treating it like it's something special.

Mick Foley leads his boyhood gang of security guards who are just happy to be doing something to egg Jeff Jarrett's house.

Jeff Jarrett's been checking out his guns when The Dude walks in. I'm pretty sure this is a comedy act, Foley. I know you're yelling and darn it, now it's serious. But in reality you and Jeffy are just having one big laugh, doing whatever you guys want to do.

The founder of TNA talks about Beretta and other '70s shows. Yep, over my head.

Mick Foley is talking with my hands. Oh, he's asking Jeff to leave.

Know your damn role, says Jeff. "I know my role Jeff! I'm TNA world heavyweight champion!" Oh yeah. I forget about that.

Jeff is gonna leave. Well, he's going to pretend like he's leaving. A victory for Mick Foley. Kudos to TNA for not dragging this storyline out the entire night.

He's the hardcore legend, so he gets a free pass. Right? Wrong. It works, on some kitch appeal. But in terms of pumping up a PPV feud? Or even him as world champion? It's not here.

JB and Booker. Booker: "DAHHH!! All the talking is done! I'm going make you bleed, dog! It's Mafia, baby!" Booker then turns to cry in the corner. Good going, champ. You taking estrogen pills when you come into work? You want revenge against Joe for the piggyback ride he gave Sharmell? That could have been your piggyback ride, dog!

I can't help but laugh at Booker's promos.

Booker topped Foley's comedic performance here. Is Impact supposed to be serious? I believe when watching Impact you can't watch it how you watch WWE. I tried taking Raw as a joke but it's just far too pathetic to consider funny.

Joe faces against Steiner in a first-blood match. Not really a match, but a hell of a way to push Joe over.

I have just noticed that Joe is really fat.

Nice visual with Joe beating Steiner with a lead pipe while Steiner is in the trashcan. Better than the hockey stick from hell to Nash from last week.

Oh, here's Booker. Booker takes a gut shot by Joe with a lead pipe.

Talk about a hell of a push for Joe. Joe kills Steiner and Booker. "You're next, Kurt." Well done. I only had to wait till June 2009 until I could start believing in Joe. Joe vs. Matt Morgan in a Samoan Strap match! Yay! Touch all four corners and you win!

Up next is Shan...Holy farmer's tan, fatman! Shane Douglas, you do know you're on television, right?

Anyways, "what I will look like in 30 years" faces off against A.J. Styles. Sure glad they don't have any semblance of plan for Styles.

Video package of how big TNA's nuts are. They hear the criticism. "They are small. They can't compete. Slam 7. 7 years comes down to this. REDEMPTION." Somebody's a little sensitive. We didn't think up Super Eric or the Houston finish at Victory Road last year. (Caldwell's Note: I still have nightmares about that sham of a PPV ... not for the PPV finish...well, yeah, that too, but sitting front row behind Don West screaming for three hours.)

I understand wrestling companies will make mistakes. That won't stop me from ripping on them, but most of the time it's in harmless fun. What does deserve frustration is the inability to listen to fans and continue with things that are not only stupid, but are not working.

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised to hear from a WWE announcer making a swine flu quip in the following week. Even though the World Health Organization stated that the swine flu is now a pandemic. I don't know, though. WWE is pretty out of touch.

Raven chases after Lauren. He just wants to discuss his feelings! He's not going to do anything bad to ya!

However, what stops Raven in his tracks is the dreaded "women's bathroom" door sign. Even a sicko like Raven has got some standards.

Raven: "So I'm walking and I'm sitting?"

TNA: "Yep, that's basically it."

Seven years of Raven sitting outside the women's bathroom.

That's what I do on all my Thursday nights. Sit outside women's bathrooms.

Oh, it's a trap. Daffney. Raven's got a new group. Why is daffy beating up Lauren?

Good thing Lauren didn't go into the men's room. Then Raven would have to sheepishly go to Daphne and ask in his squeaky voice, "Uh, she's in there."

Anyways, Daffy is busy ramming Lauren's head into the toilet seat cover dispenser while Raven checks his nails.

It must be noted that Raven checked his nails the manly way. If he checked them the girly way I would have written a very stern paragraph about how he's not my hero.

And yes, my heroes are those who sit all moody like outside women's bathrooms.

Cameraman comes inside the bathroom to a beaten Lauren. "So, uh, you're just been beaten up. Let me shove a camera right into your face."

Raven and Stevie...just...sitting. It's hella odd. That was me in high school. I played the part of Raven and my friend Dave played the part of Dr. Stevie (he even had the brown ponytail). Maybe that's why I connect so much with Raven's character. All anti-social like. High school: hanging outside the science building with Dave who liked to wear shirts that said "Mary had a little lamb...but I ate it" and "In my world, you don't exist." So seeing Raven and Stevie like that made me think about my high school days.

Raven's character has been described as a grungy street poet-brawler. Exclusive to the Absurd universe is some poetry by none other than Raven himself...go along with it.




"Woe is me"

Somewhat simple
for you see your flesh is hanging off of the bone
people can see the blackness in your lungs
the grime in your heart
the fifth in your throat
flying with dead birds as you soared towards the moon
woe is me and my eternal misfortune
it's horrible to be me
quote the Raven,
nevermore

"Die flamingos die"

Ants ants all around
Ants ants go down
Ants ants what's the fuss
Ants ants sleep you must
hey hey, I ain't no flamingo
hey hey, why doesn't anyone want to hug me?
I'm just hanging outside women's bathrooms
it's really horrible to be me
quote the Raven,
nevermore

"My butt is numb"

Nothing but fire
to keep me warm
I'm not a '90s Eddie Vedder rip-off
(even though "Evenflow" was the name of my finisher at one point)
I'm Goldie Hawn in a slinky dress
I'm a weirdo, I'm a sicko
my butt is numb from sitting on cold concrete all of the time
I crossed the line to get paid
now I feel even more horrible
quote the Raven,
nevermore

DirecTV is sure getting a lot of love. One of those Beautiful People bimbos is complaining about not having brown M&Ms in her room.

"This butt needs to be accommodated!"

Hear hear. JB wants the butt to be accommodated! Attention ye, the royal bimbo butt needs to be accommodated! You, sir! You're taking up space! I hereby ...

Actually JB wants to be Love's chair. Credit to him for trying to be the wrestling version of Quagmire on Family Guy. Giggity!

JB talks about "Westside Story" and "The Warriors." TNA is so old.

Better Beautiful People promo. Good to see that they're putting in more work in their promos lately. Funny.

More of Deaner and ODB sweating it out. Did it by a farm. So perhaps little kids were watching. "Mommy, I love your cans!"

Deaner sells getting knocked out by ODB's cans.

Deaner smokes? Really? He's the type of guy I don't trust with a lighter.

Holy bald men, Kurt Angle is looking more like Jason Stratham. Maybe that's his future. So you couldn't get Jason? I'm your man.

Tara fights one of the Push-Up Bra Bimbos. I think I would fall in love with Tara, but first I would have to get over my fear of her.

Eric Young slaps the hell out of JB.

You have to remember the point when Young was hiding from monsters...because...because...he was afraid of Rellik (Killer spelled backwards) and Black Reign...JB and Young hiding under a desk...JB asked Young if he farted...Or was that A.J. Styles...

Anyways, this is what should have happened last week. Sometimes simpler is more effective. I didn't find that Young-Jarrett bit last week to hit the mark.

Daniels comes in. "AHHH! Shane Douglas!" DirecTV now has a special deal!" Okay, TNA. I'm going to go get some Stacker 2 and call up DirecTV for their Sports Package. Anything else you want to shill? Because I'll buy.

While I'm getting a kick out of the Raven deal they made, I imagine a lot of people going, "Who the hell is Shane Douglas and why is Daniels stuck with him?"

Loved seeing Sting giving Angle a powerbomb. I've been hammering on TNA for giving shoddy TV main events for awhile now. Good to see them buck the current trend.

I also suggest that for every wrestler promo, they have an outside product plug in the background. Herpes medication. Jock itch relief. Morphoplex massive. Even WWE's crud. The sky's the limit.

IMPACT'S VERDICT: A Little Absurd

(credit to pwnewsnow.com, s.bebo.com, and ctemploymentlawblog.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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