|
ABSURD SPECIAL REPORT: Wal-Mart Greeter Hulk Hogan Talks Creating Supernovas with Kurt Angle, Vince Begging Him, Starring in Doggone Good Movies with John Cena
Jul 9, 2009 - 12:07:09 PM |
By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist
"Fuss with my woman, toil for my kids,
Wheat till I'm wrinkled and gray.
While that lucky old sun got nothin' to do,
But roll around heaven all day"
-"That Lucky Old Sun (Just Rolls Around Heaven All Day)" by Johnny Cash
"Hey there, Hulkamanic! Welcome to Wal-Mart! Can I get you a cart, brother? Need to pick up some of my pasta, brother? Or my energy drinks, brother? Wadda say, brother?"
"No thanks, Mr. Hogan. I didn't know that you were a Wal-Mart greeter."
"Well, times are tough, brother. But Hulk's coming back! I'm going to bring butts back into seats! I'm gonna lay my hands on this economy and bring back to life, brother! I'm going to leg-drop...I'm gonna punch every North Korea commy right between the eyes! U-S-A! U-S-A!"
"I heard that you are interested in possibly joining TNA? Is that true, Hulkster?"
"Brother, let me tell you. This job is sucking the life-force out of me, brother. During my break when I was smoking a cigarette and feeling like the big Hulkster in the sky hated me brother, I checked my Blackberry. Dixie and Vince called me a trillion times, brother. The Hulkster's coming back brother!"
"That's pretty cool, Mr. Hogan. I know that you have been having a rough go of it lately with your divorce and all."
"Yeah, well, if I ever catch that two-timing skank, I'm going rip her head off with my chainsaw and shove her bloody, blonde bimbo head on a pike and parade it around main street. O.J. Simpson had the right idea in mind. He's my idol. I keep tiny pictures of him in my wallet, brother. I got a big-ass tattoo with O.J.'s face on my back, brother. He's my idol."
"...What?"
"Uh, hey, I was just kidding brother! Don't take it out of context or nothing. You don't have one of those camera phones, right? I don't want this on YouTube, brother."
"No, Mr. Hogan. Tell me, what do you think will happen if you went down to TNA?"
"Well, I know that during the start of the year brother I was ripping on TNA for resembling the sick dog days of NWO when everybody was talking, man. You know what changed my mind, brother? Daffney. Man, that crazy chick is smoking hot, brother. I've seen the light, brother. Some pipsqueak named Jim Jarrett promised that I come down, I can rub some suntan lotion on her butt, brother."
"...Well, more power to you. Can you let me know about what might happen to you while in TNA?"
"Shhh...first I'm going to come in during a PPV main event with no context at all other than the fact that me and whoever (Angle, Sting, Jarrett, Foley, Shark Boy) go "back a long way." Then there's going to be about two months of "whose side am I on" bits every ten minutes on Impact.
Then, as WWE is crumbling and TNA overtakes everything in the ratings war, brother, I'm going to face Kurt Angle at a PPV. See who is the better shiller of the two. The sheer amount of our collective charisma and brainpower in the ring brother is gonna cause a supernova. It will cause a black hole, destroying Earth and that inferior WWE universe, brother. Then by the sheer power of my muscles brother I'll create a new universe with billions of Hulkamanics."
"Wow. You think you'll ever work with Vince again?"
"I think I might just work for both TNA and WWE! The Hulkster has that power, brother. Vince is always on his knees, begging for the Hulkster to come back. His face is strewn with tears, saying, 'Please, Hulkster! We need you! My life is so empty without you!' I've already put over a majority of this generation's wrestlers. If I go to WWE, I can also do some movies."
"Hey, Hulkster, speaking about movies, did you see 'The Wrestler?'"
"Brother, that movie was an autobiography of my life. One of the cool things about possibly joining WWE, brother, is that they are talking about putting me with John Cena."
"What's the movie going to be about? A buddy cop movie? A shoot 'em up?"
"Brother, when you got the Hulkster, you don't need a script! People loved 'Santa With Muscles' and '3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain.' You see, me and Cena are going to connect with the common man. What better way to connect with them and showing what the highlight is out of their boring lives than to show us picking up dog crap?
First we hate each other, but then we're forced to clean up after mean mister Stone Cold's monster dog after we break his window, brother! We become friends at the end and everybody goes happy! It would be like Rocky, but better! Wait till you buy the uncut really special edition DVD! 'HULK HOGAN and John Cena Pick Up Dog Logs.' It would earn more than Transformers 2, brother. That movie was also an autobiography of my life, brother! I can transform into a robot! Erghhhhhhhhh!"
"...Wow, Mr. Hogan. That movie sounds...great. Hey Hulkster, I gotta run. Hope it all works out for you."
"It sure will, brother!" (Rips off shirt.) "I'm a real American fighting for the rights of every man dah dah dah dah dah!"
(credit to perezfox.com, cache.gizmodo.com, www1.istockphoto.com, victoryrecords.com, x16.xanga.com, crynd.com, media.giantbomb.com and cenacentral.com for pics)
Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com
Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
For more BREAKING NEWS on WWE, TNA...
VISIT OUR AFFILIATE -
PROWRESTLING.NET
For UFC & MMA NEWS & BLOGS:
VISIT OUR SISTER SITE - MMATORCH.COM
Upgrade to PWTorch VIP:
DETAILS & SIGN-UP INFO (rates now as low as $2.99/month)
| More Recent The Specialists Articles |
 3/16 WWE NXT Hits & Misses: Wins/Losses, Gabriel & Hardy vs. Young & Punk, Still No Format Explanation |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - TNA Impact: Where's Samoa Joe?, How Did The Nastys & Spike Get On TV?, Destination X - "Wait, It's This Sunday?" |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - WWE Raw: USA Network Censors Stone Cold & Blood, Mega Legacy Explodes, Stone Cold Gives John Cena The Ring? |
| 3/15 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Sheamus, Triple H vs. Orton, Legacy, Contract Signing |
| 3/12 WWE Smackdown Hits & Misses: Punk Sings, McIntyre in MIB, Truth vs. Miz, Highlight Reel |
| GARDNER'S KEY MOMENT OF THE WEEK: TNA needs to re-evaluate its marketing strategy vs. WWE Raw after March 8 ratings results |
| VALENTINO'S MAGIC, MEMORIES, AND MANIA: Top 10 Shawn Michaels matches - vs. Undertaker, Bret Hart, Razor, Triple H, Flair, more |
| 3/11 WWE Superstars Hits & Misses: Marella vs. Ryder, The Sleeper, MVP & Christian vs. Carlito & Guerrero |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Sting To Rampage Other Van Dams, NXT Rookies Power Rankings, Why WWE Isn't Marketing Mr. 1.9, Fear Edge's Love Tackle |
| 3/9 WWE NXT Hits & Misses: Miz - Bryan, Chris Jericho, Justin Gabriel |
| 3/8 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Undertaker - Michaels, Legacy vs. Orton, McMahon vs. Cena |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - WWE Raw: Everybody's Favorite Oily Psycho Randy Orton, Triple H Stars In "WrestleMania Mid-Card Match," Jack Swagger A Very Excited Toddler |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - TNA Impact: TNA's "Yes Blood" Policy, Bischoff To Inject Steroids Into X Division, Brooke's "24" Audition, Sting Is Still Beating Up RVD |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Monday Night Countdown: Five Reasons You'll Check Out Impact, Court-Ordered Wrestling Matches, Stone Cold Salvages Bret-Vince Wreck |
| GARDNER'S KEY MOMENT OF THE WEEK: Overview of WWE NXT after two weeks |
| 3/5 WWE Smackdown Hits & Misses: McIntyre's Streak, Ziggler vs. Benjamin, Gallows vs. Mysterio |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - TNA Impact: Abyssmania Rages On, Heel A.J. Styles Promotes Video Game, N.J. Nets Tix More Valuable Than X Title, Hogan's Greatest Enemy Revealed |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - WWE NXT & Superstars: Carlito Kills Household Plants, Knox Needs Hogan, WWE Tries To Get Hip With NXT |
| 3/4 WWE Superstars Hits & Misses: Kingston vs. Guerrero, Blood Rule, Jericho vs. Goldust |
| DONOFRIO: Five Reasons TNA could fail or suceed on Monday nights |
(c) 1999-2010 TDH Communications Inc. - All rights reserved. |
