By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"A clock is ticking, but it's hidden far away
Safe and sound"
-"Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking" by Snow Patrol

You know, you can gain valuable life-lessons out of the red-headed stepchild of sports. Wrestling...sorry, "Cow Suit Performing" can help you in your own life. Why, just take a look what happened to tiny Evan Bourne, who apparently can't defeat anybody because he's like two inches tall. It's true, all short people in life can't win. From Napoleon to Chris Jericho, they're all just pathetic losers. Anyways, one line that was uttered by the madman Mikey Cole made me see the light.

"Hey look, there's Evan Bourne."

Genius. You see, you can use this phrase in your own life to bail you out when you're involved in a completely pointless, boring, and absurd situation (e.g. Horny vs. Chavo). So next time you're talking about Tiddlywinks the cat to your date and you can sense that's she seriously considering jamming her phone into your skull because she hates Tiddlywinks the cat and wants you to shut up with this boring Tiddlywinks nonsense, just blurt out, "Hey look, there's Evan Bourne!"

Now, some of you might be asking that the other party will soon wise up to your tactics. "Evan Bourne is not even there! I hate you and Tiddlywinks!" they'll wail.

That's where 1-555-EVN-BRNE comes in. Yes indeed, Evan Bourne, the high-flying WWE superstar is now open for all arrangements. Birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, bachelorette parties, Laundromat openings, and everything in between! Only $99. He's also available for any (and we do stress the word "any") wrestling match.

Many people here at PWTorch.com launched their venom about Evan's last match with Mr. Fan Apathy himself, Chris Masterpiece. They were disgusted about the same old WWE "small guy who's got a lot of heart vs. a big guy with as much charisma as drywall" nonsense. But you see, both participants, who don't figure to have a lot of meaningful matches anyways in their WWE career, were working on their shtick.

You see, while Evan Bourne is cutting a rug with the little tykes during a birthday party, a secret plan is going down. Bourne will be awkwardly saying WWE lines written on note cards like, "Boy, this sure is a great birthday party! Let's watch the WCW DVD! Who wants a free WWE licensed t-shirt?" when suddenly, out of the blue, a tall clown will attack Bourne! The tall clown (Chris Masterpiece in disguise) will lay into Bourne with those evil, heelish giant floppy clown shoes causing little tykes to cry streams of tears! How can Bourne can survive against this clown ... who's... tall! Then, out of the blue, Bourne lands two moves and miraculously wins the fight! Oh boy! You've just barely defeated the tall clown, Evan Bourne! Hooray! Let's watch a WWE DVD to celebrate!

But wait! Let's not forget the rest of the Raw mid-card! They're moonlighting as well! Call 1-555-RAW-DUDS for all of your social engagements!

Witness as WWE superstars Jack Swagger and The Miz tell valuable life mottos at your workplace or school, such as "At first you don't succeed, lower your standards, and then when you fail again, lower them even more" and "you can gain confidence when you pick up victories over Esa Rios and The Red Rooster! Boast about it after you defeat them!"

Total Nonstop Action is in this too! Call Sting to have him scream at you to not retire, even when you're only six years old! Call Matt Morgan to help you find some sense of logic in his big push and to prepare you for it! (No refunds, by the way.) Call Dixie Carter to have her explain to her why TNA wrestlers get special privileges! So what are you waiting for? Those commercialism son-of-bitches DX to invade your home with a tank and plug DVDs shamelessly? Future Raw Guest Host and bringer-of-the-apocalypse Bob Barker to kick your ass? Call now!

(credit to images.teamtalk.com, 911dj.com, digital-photo.com, 4.bp.blogspot.com, and madforwrestlingwallpapers.co.uk for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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