By Lee Stevens, Torch specialist

Thank you for joining me as we put Smackdown "Under The Microscope." This is not a complete recap of the show, instead it's a closer, often offbeat, look at the broadcast.

The straight edge enigma

We start our Friday night with a very well done tease by C.M. Punk. Playing the theme music of a popular superstar, only to bring someone else out on stage is a tricky situation. When Sgt. Slaughter recently hosted Raw, he hinted that "the best there is, the best there was, and best there ever will be" was here. Bret Hart's familiar music played and out walked Jim Duggan.

On Friday, the show kicked off with Jeff Hardy's music and for a split second, the face paint and the mannerisms indicated that the former champion had returned for one last send off. In my opinion, why this tease worked while I didn't enjoy Sarge's bait and switch nearly as much, was time. Hart has made few appearances on WWE television since he left for WCW. He did attend his own induction into the WWE Hall of Fame, but a Hit Man sighting is a rarity. How long have we missed Jeff Hardy? One week. The letdown isn't nearly as painful. Granted, both men had the same heat-inducing motives, but Punk's didn't have nearly as much salt for the wound.

C.M. Punk speed round

Punk did give us several things to consider, even beyond noticing how the makeup enhances the wrinkles around his eyes. (Sunscreen is straight edge too, Mr. Punk)

"Hardy's downward spiraling life"--Although he was referring to the recently departed ex-champ, it reminded me of another former title holder who is quite familiar with tables, ladders and chairs. The "downward spiral" was one of Edge's finishing holds. It's also the title of a Nine Inch Nails album, featuring the songs "Closer" and "Hurt."

"I'm built to last"--Punk's self-assessment is shared by the battery sold by AutoZone, which claims, "Built to last, Duralast." It's also the title of the final studio album from The Grateful Dead.

"The choice of a new generation"--this grand proclamation isn't a stretch for Punk as it coincides with one of his most famous tattoos. "The choice of a new generation" was the slogan for Pepsi from 1984-1991. It wasn't the only time the soda company used a version of that line as they asked us to "Come Alive, You're in the Pepsi Generation" from 1963-1967. They went back to it with the choice of a new generation and visited it again in 1997 as the words "Generation Next" led the company along with new spokespeople, The Spice Girls. They'll tell you what they want, what they really, really want. They'll tell you what they want, what they really, really want. They'll tell you what they want, what they really, really want. They want ah, they want ah, they want ah, they want ah, they really, really, really wanna zig a zig ahhhhh.

I'm sorry.

Um...do you bite your nails?

Jim Ross is usually three steps ahead of me, but for once I had the advantage over good ol' J.R. as he was flabbergasted by Punk's clues. "My vice...it's like an anaconda," hinted Punk, only to be interrupted. After he was cut off, Ross noted that "we may never know what Punk's vice is!"

Yes, a man whose finishing move used to be called "Anaconda Vise" just said he had a "vice" like an "anaconda." I'm stumped.

The "Anaconda Vise" was essentially replaced by the GTS.

Okily-dokily neighboreeno

Punk's celebration of dismissing Jeff Hardy quickly ended with the interruption by Jeff's brother Matt. As the champ expressed his displeasure to Smackdown General Manager Teddy Long, he stated his case for both Hardy brothers having issues. "He's hopped up on something, Teddy," insisted Punk.

I am quite sure Punk was looking for a more serious message, but I couldn't help but think of another man concerned with possible illicit medicinal habits. Another man concerned with living a straight edge lifestyle. Of course I'm talking about Springfield Chief of Police, Clancy Wiggum. Chief Wiggum had stopped the usually law-abiding Ned Flanders for speeding, as he was trying to escape Homer Simpson. Due to nervousness, Flanders failed the field sobriety test leading to the following exchange:

Ned: "I told you, officer, I'm not 'hepped up' on goofballs."
Chief Wiggum: "Yeah right. High as a kite, everybody! Goofballs!"

Granted, it's not an exact match, but it's a short trip from "hepped up" to "hopped up." Kids, don't do goofballs.

Do not skip his class. Trust me.

Professor Mike Knox continued his anatomy lesson as he reminded all of us that "the average human body shrinks one to two inches over its existence. It's due to compression of bones."

I'm sure a man like Knox can certainly speed up the process, but over time, vertebrae can push closer together which makes a person lose a bit of height. Another reason could be osteoporosis, which is when a bone is broken down and not enough new bone material is made.

Older people, especially women, who generally have smaller bones are more likely to develop osteoporosis and can even go as far as making the person appear hunched or stooped.

C.M. Punk will happily tell you that two things can make the problem even worse. Smoking and drinking alcohol.

I am enjoying the increased character development with Knox and his interesting facts reminded me of another strong, imposing force at work.



Mike Knox, you complete me.

Knuckleball Schwartz on deck

Ross is usually good for several football references in a given week, but apparently the "national pastime" was on his mind this week. Ross made references to "WWE's version of the home run derby" and compared Kane's use of the Singapore cane to "Albert Pujols-like shots."

Although Major League Baseball has expanded into Asia with several players from Japan, Korea, and Taiwan, a person from Singapore has yet to win the home run derby.

The same goes for people who used to work at the Punjab State Prison. Sorry, Khali.

The people have spoken!

Thank you to everyone who voted in this week's Smackdown Microscope poll. The winner this week is a closer look at Johnny (Morrison) on the spot.

The expression "Johnny on the spot" indicates someone who was in "the right place at the right time" with very fortunate results. In Morrison's case, I certainly don't mean to insinuate that his latest title reign is pure luck, but it's not the first time he's benefited from unique circumstances.

With Rey Mysterio taking a 30-day Wellness Policy break, WWE had to do something with the Intercontinental Championship. The obvious choice was to put the belt on the most recent challenger, Dolph Ziggler and I commend them for not doing it. I think Ziggler could end up being a credible champion, but assuming there were at least a few fans watching who did not already hear the news of Mysterio's suspension, it provided even more drama with every near fall.

Now, they still have Morrison vs. Ziggler at Breaking Point and either one could pick up with Mysterio in another month if they choose. The surprising turn during the last week marks the third time Morrison has held the Intercontinental Title, but his first as John Morrison. Johnny Nitro first grabbed the belt in a three way match with Shelton Benjamin and Carlito. Later, he would trade off with Jeff Hardy, with Hardy taking the championship from Nitro and Nitro getting revenge just a few weeks later. Hardy would return the favor the following week.

It's not the only time Morrison has stepped in at the last minute. In 2007, Morrison, still wrestling as Johnny Nitro, was quickly added to a match against C.M. Punk for the vacant ECW Championship at the pay-per-view Vengeance. Who did he replace? Chris Benoit.

Soon after that surprise title reign, he changed his name to Morrison and started feuding with Punk. Those battles took a break as Morrison faced the same situation as Mysterio. Morrison would drop the title to Punk before serving his 30-day suspension for a Wellness Policy violation. Morrison violated the WWE rule which states that wrestlers can not purchase drugs from online sources. Morrison allegedly received somatropin, anastrozole, testosterone, and stanozolol among other medications, leading to his suspension.

Goofballs were not listed.

Lee Stevens examines Raw and Smackdown with "Under The Microscope." He misses the comments section. E-mail him at GLStevens.Torch@gmail.com

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