By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Make me an offer that I can't refuse
Make me respectable, man
This is my last time in the unemployment line
So like it or not I'll take those
Long nights, impossible odds
Keeping my back to the wall
If it takes all that to be just what I am
Well, I'm gonna be a blue collar man"
-"Blue Collar Man" by Styx

In case you missed it, for the past two weeks the build-up for Breaking Point has been...the WCW DVD. You know, this DVD might have been useful. Back in 2003.

I would have figured that during the Breaking Point build-up, they would have shown wrestlers showcasing their submission moves. But instead they pumped up the WCW DVD and got lost in the guest host madness, which in large part in the month of August was awful. If you like sometimes-okay-but-often-gah awful wrestling, bad game show skits and infomercials, you'll love Raw.

-Kind of figured that they would have that "Price is Right" game of guessing the right price...for a WWE DVD. In all humility, they should change Raw to "The Price is Raw" permanently. Gain more older viewers. Every wrestling show should have it. "Stay tuned, because Evan might win a Corvette!" Geez. Bourne's too young to even have a driver's license. In the old days they would have had Chavo trash that Corvette next week to set up a feud with Evan. Nowadays they pair up Evan and Horny like they are eight-year old boys who are glad to be partners. Triple H: "Heavy emphasis on the word 'partners.' Not that there's anything wrong with that. But obviously there is. Not that there's anything wrong with that either."

-Does anybody really want to pay to see MVP get knocked the eff out by Show and then submit to the Walls of Jericho on Sunday? Anybody?

Mark Henry has got that bear hug, which was a very painful move back in 1939 for Haystack Henry, but in 2009, eh, not so much. But at least MVP and Mark Henry got built up by the Beauty and the Beast tag team. Hey, it worked for Cryme Tyme, right?

-MVP's submission move would probably be something prison related. Shiving. Tossing salad. Because ex-convicts wear breathe right strips and shout out corny phrases.

-About the Bob Barker skits...if you have a shrine of Bob Barker in your closet, you probably loved them. And you probably like taking massive doses of Zantac as well. Me, personally, I was glad I had recorded Raw on DVR. I fast-forwarded through this nonsense. Sorry, I really don't care about Bob's new book or when Bob got a stiffy when a girl's sweater puppets popped out. Some sad WWE intern had to spend 20 hours searching for somewhat entertaining Price is Right footage, and they settled on boobies. I swear, I thought that lady was a man.

-Somebody in WWE loves Chris Masters. He's the new Umaga: just a roaming monster that is one-dimensional. But, hey, at least it wasn't the usual crew for the Raw main event. I have a bad feeling they're going to put Masters on the PPV to face Kofi. And people will weep.

-All Mikey and Jerry talked about during the Evan vs. Chavo match was red Corvettes and how great "The Price is Right" show was. Mikey: "I watched the show all the time." Mikey also likes "The View." What an oddball.

-What I wouldn't give for Bob Saget to host Monday Night Raw. I watched "Full House" all the time as a kid. That meatloaf s--- brainwashed me. I'm still waiting for that "Let's Make A Deal" guy to host Raw.

-Speaking about Evan, one can easily become a joke on Raw. You know how psychotic C.M. Punk is going around and beating the crap out of people for being mindless slaves? Once upon a time he was in a tag team with Kofi on Raw stuck twiddling his thumbs. Mind you, his straight-edge thumbs. Bad joke alert: What did C.M. Punk say to Edge when Edge touched Punk suggestively? "I'm straight, Edge." Ho ho ho.

-If Chavo's out with a leg injury, whose the next heel to be involved in the Raw staple Horny program? Sort of a "shortest straw" situation. You lose 20 matches to a leprechaun and at the end you get cursed with a torn ACL. Them the breaks.

-For a second I thought that the Chicago White Sox player A.J. Pierzynski was Mr. Kennedy.

-Cody Rhodes: "Yes, it is true. I do know some submission moves." I disagree with the notion that Cody is being brought up better than Ted DiBiase right now. But I did like Cody's delivery of his promo. But the whole "RKO of my daddy" thing was somewhat jumbled. WWE had Ted slap the crap out of Old Money. WWE had Randy RKO Cody's father and then had Cody talk about it was all cool beans because Orton is the man.

-About the PPV: Let's face the facts, WWE isn't known for a whole lot of submission moves - Punk making vague references to his anaconda vice or Regal doing the "Regal stretch" at the last PPV. That's why the strongest part of the night for me was the match between Cody and Cena. More to the point of Cody breaking out submission moves.

-Batty and Trishy will be on the next Raw. What do Batista and Trish Stratus have in common? Dunno. Huge breasts? Would like to see Trish berate the hell out of the women's girly teen soap opera division. A women's match tonight was shelved because an old man who wants people to cut dogs's nuts off wants to promote his book that talks about how he became passionate about neutering helpless pussycats.

-Advice for Mark Henry? Learn some dance moves. You'll get over like Rikishi.

-Triple H: "And boys, this Sunday, you're looking at the two white tigers who are going to be hanging off your jugulars." To me, that sounds like a gay euphemism especially coming from a group whose catchphrase is "suck it."

-Cole: "Triple H is trying to milk the poor slubs's reaction...uh, I mean, will Shawn Michaels into his corner."

-Best point of the main event was when Randy Orton toyed with HBK and sized him up for a dropkick. There's nobody that can touch Orton's slow, methodical, evil mannerisms in the ring. It's just too bad that his big-time submission move is an Orton headlock. I would suggest a rear naked choke but then Orton would just slip off Cena due to the massive amounts of baby oil. How much of that stuff does he go through?

-They teased that DX vs. Legacy is going to be an all-out brawl with Legacy submitting on top of a WWE productions truck. Don't tease unless you can't please. This part was good.

What wasn't good was Cena taking a RKO through a chair. You know things are stale when even the build-up to a PPV match is familiar and feels like rehashed territory. I've seen Cena take a RKO through a chair before an Orton match. And I'm not really excited about watching a slow match with Cena vs. Orton. Hell, for the PPV match, I would like to see Orton come out in sweats, put out his cigarette, grab the mic, yell, "I Quit." Cena gets awarded the belt, and then Orton punts Cena in the head, putting him out of action, and thus causing the belt to be relinquished. Then Orton can face somebody new for the belt...like...um...well, no that wouldn't work...hmmm...how about Vince McMahon in a strap match at "Strap Series," a brand new WWE PPV where all the main events are strap matches! Hells yeah! Suckers will buy anything! I've haven't seen a strap match in a really long time! Oh, coming next is "The Casket Rumble!" "Arm-WrestlingMania!" "Thing-On-A-PoleSlam!"

Gentlemen, we have accomplished our mission of lowering people's standards. Soon will come a PPV where instead of a three count for a pin, it will be a five count. How's your mind? Blown?

-This guest host thing is getting attention on several shows, but when asked who the wrestlers are, the most common answer is "Hulk Hogan." I'm guessing that this guest host nonsense will end by November.

-My review of Raw? Peyton Manning's "Double Trump" line in that Double Stuff Oreo League commercial was better. No joke. I watch that commercial a thousand times. Who says wrestling fans are hard to please?

(credit to dallasnews.com, fast1.onesite.com and pwnewsnow.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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