By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"You wanna live in a one-sided world
Be prepared for a whole world of hurt
Now it's the Grand Facade
I don't want to be an angel
I just want to be god"
-"30/30-150" by Stone Sour

-I'm not going to buy TNA No Surrender. Why? Well...




-I wrote awhile back that C.M. Punk himself was the main draw during a typical Punk "you're nothing but fat failure turtles" promo. But the crowd was right: we're all pretty tired of the limited scope of when Punk goes on a rant about "pills and beer." It's just so limited. One feels that Punk could be pointing out a lot more serious faults (addictions to pornography, child abuse, white collar crimes, etc.) but WWE has determined that they stay the safe course of making fun of products by companies that don't advertise on WWE programming (beer, cigarettes, etc.). And it's the same thing every week, regardless of the town. Kudos to Punk for making them work ("I told you so" is a great line), but his promos are past old. Remember when Jericho dissected the character of HBK? Good stuff, right? Well now you get pretty much nothing from Punk about Undertaker. Oh, but you'll get plenty of boring "you're pathetic for taking pills and beer" stuff.

-The Montreal thing. Yeah. What would be easier? Build up an actually believable feud between Punk and Undertaker? Or have the main focus be on "The Montreal Incident" and a bunch of '90s Undertaker effects? Which route did you think WWE took? And how many times while watching WWE programming have you thought to yourself, "well, it's for the kids." Ugh. But hey, at least the screwjob idea is new, right? Their audience is filled with kids who weren't even alive back in 1997! It's not like WWE would run a feature on their website or anything.

Oh...

-I did sort of chuckle how "buckle up, Teddy" was similar to "where to, Stephanie?" When the cameraman yelled "cut," did Taker take a long pull on his flask while Teddy felt embarrassed being in a smoky limo? Or was all the smoke coming from Jeff Hardy's doobie?

Pretty much the same exact "oh gosh Taker is driving the limo" bit. I guess that happens when you're an old wrestling fan. A lot of things feel like deja vu, the same exact buildup, and the same exact bits. I'm just so damn old. I'm a dinosaur. In my 20s. So old. I would have been happy with Taker popping from under the ring, but I guess WWE is cutting costs everywhere. I miss monster trucks in professional wrestling. You see, I have to make fun of it. To make light of it because the reality of it is depressing. Because it's the same old thing I've seen before.

-And yet another "Vince McMahon Mystery." Oh boy. Was it Vince who ordered for Undertaker to lose? Because Vince doesn't like the Dead Man? Makes sense. It also makes sense for Vince to want Punk to become champ, considering that Vince doesn't like drinking, smoking, listening to morally clean AC/DC, cleavage, cross-dressers, fart jokes, and penis jokes.

I guess one could vision Punk siding with Vince, but you know what would kill Punk's cred? Punk siding with Vince. Vince as the "messiah" for the cleaner, more family-friendly wrasslin? Uh huh. Who do you think came up with "Santina?"

Hey there? Were you excited about a serious Undertaker vs. Punk feud? You were? Well, too bad! Because here is Vince's delusional Montreal Screwjob crapburger and a bunch of cheesy fog effects! That's what you wanted, right?

-If the wrestling thing doesn't work out for Batista he could always become a porn star. Still the best dressed man in the business. And sad to say I'm more intrigued with Batty on the Blue Team Show than this whole Montreal thing. You get where they are going with it. But so far, it's lacking substance. You know, building towards a Hell in a Cell PPV match usually takes more than lame magic tricks. Actually, that would be pretty cool for the PPV: C.M. Punk and Undertaker inside the cell, doing their best magic tricks! Oooh, where did the penny go? It's behind your ear! Yeah!

Speaking about Hell in a Cell, I feel that three Hell in The Cell matches are plenty enough for the PPV (considering how three were already announced). Hell in the Cell matches are usually remembered fondly as when a feud goes "Full Tilt." Balls to the wall. Blood, violence, 30 minutes of two men beating the crap out of each other. And here we're looking at the possibility of a PPV consisting of nothing but Hell in the Cell matches. Personally, I'm hoping they don't go down that "Lockdown" route. There's great history in the Hell in the Cell match and it should be protected, not thrown away for feuds that don't "deserve" to be in there.

-What doesn't deserve to be on television anymore is Mike Knox's "doctor pain" promos. The man was talking about lower extremities or whatever nonsense. Then he gave pretty much the most unconvincing "psycho heel smile" in the history of professional wrestling. I like to bring up one of my favorite wrestler quotes, from one Undertaker: "I've crippled more people than polio." Hell yes. Short and to the point.

-Jim Ross: "Let me tell you. Chavo Guerrero is a Mexican warrior. He's got that proud family heritage. He's a savvy veteran in the ring, not above using dirty tricks. And recently he lost twenty straight matches to a man who can't go on amusement park rides because he's too small"

Todd Grisham: "Let's not forget that Chavo was ECW champion at one point."

Jim Ross: "...Well, that doesn't really count for much, does it? I mean, who is ECW champion right now?"

Todd Grisham: "Uh...Sheamus?"

Matt Striker (popping out from under the table): "Gazooks! Call the Super Friends, there's been a crime! It's...uh...that Green Superhero guy! Now I must make like Wonder Woman and hop in my invisible jet! Up and away! Zoom!"

Using that "well, at least they are talking about it" logic Chavo employed, I implore Chavo to wrestle forever in that cow suit. Let me tell you, when they dressed up A.J. Styles in goofy costumes, that did wonders for his career. It's the sort of thing that you never have to live down.

-Buy the Breaking Point PPV to see Jesus Christ suffer for your sins. It's always darkest before the dawn. I'm glad that Orton vs. Cena at Breaking Point took a serious tone with great storytelling and believable execution. I'm also glad that with the character of Cena they haven't gone completely full blown "poopy jokes" material.

-This Smackdown felt pretty tired. Who's plugging their crappy product on the next Raw? Cedric? Al Sharpton? Carrot Top? Ms. Butterface Megan Fox? Oh, man. Prepare yourselves.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

We suggest these recent related articles...

10/5 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Natalya vs. Paige, Owens vs. Cara, Stephanie McMahon, Sasha Banks, Xavier Woods

COLLECTIBLES COLUMN: The History of Foam Hands in Pro Wrestling

9/28 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Kane's Split Personality, Divas Revolution, Heyman & Big Show, Reigns vs. Wyatt