By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Get ready!
I don't think you're ready!
I don't think you're ready!
No I said get really ready!
Are you ready to suck it?
Some sports entertainment performing!
Guest Hosts on Raw we are fearing
Oh yeah but my checks are clearing
Oh yeah we're going to get it started
So call all your friends
There's no blood in our fights
Because all of my nerdy friends
Are here for Monday Night!"
-"Monday Night Wrestling" by The Greatest Singer Ever

Mike: It's a warm and humid night in Florida at Landshark Stadium but the action will be red hot. Welcome to Monday Night Raw on ESPN, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Mike Tirico alongside Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden. No, nothing's wrong with your HD TVs. That is a wrestling ring on the 50 yard line. WWE's Monday Night Raw is emitting from this very stadium, and the crowd, who have been shuffled to one side of the stadium to give off the impression that it's jammed packed...oops...are ready to get things started!

We'll be calling the action tonight. Jaws, WWE. It seems like they're just twiddling their thumbs a bit with their programming. The PPV looks to be the exact same feuds from previous PPVs. They're selling that the PPV will be violent, despite the fact that they are PG now and how "Extreme Rules" went down. Can one imagine a HITC match without blood? Their game plan tonight?

Jaws: Game plan, Mike? I believe that they have things well covered. They've got Cedric the Entertainer as special guest host. They've got the red hot DX vs. Legacy feud. And don't forget, Cena and Orton will have a contract signing for their Hell in the Cell match in two weeks. Should be a fun night.

Mike: Jon Gruden, what do you think WWE needs to avoid tonight?

Gruden: Lemme tell ya something. I went back to my laboratory and reviewed the tape. They've got to keep their wits about them. You know who I'm looking forward to tonight? Jack Swagger. I've been watching him since college, and lemme me tell ya, he's a blue chipper all the way. If I had him when I was still coaching, we've would have won five Super Bowls.

Mike: Well, we're all settled in, so let's start Monday Night Raw! Ha! Imagine that! A limo is driving to the 50 yard line. I say, I have never seen something like this! Wait, the door is opening...and Cedric the Entertainer is coming out! And this crowd likes it! Wait a second...is that a goat coming out?

Jaws: Uh, yes. That's a goat.

Mike: Wait, there's more people coming out. A rabbi...a football player...a man dressed up in the Oscar Wiener outfit...Jon, this looks like a real bad start for WWE.

Gruden: Man, I did not see this coming. If I could, I would like to throw down a 15 yard penalty for downright stupidity. Farm animals? Hey man, change the channel, I've got to see farm animals? Can't lower the bar too low.

Jaws: Bad move here by WWE. The crowd is jacked, the game is ready to start, and you begin by fumbling the ball. Bad move.

Mike: Here comes DX down to the ring. And the crowd loves them. But a risky move on WWE's part. Trying to start the show with wrestling instead of performing. Did you all remember the "Cirquis So Solei" fiasco weeks ago?

Jaws: Money not well spent.

Mike: Hunter is reminding the crowd that HBK was in the first HITC match...

Gruden: Hold on. Hate to be nitpicky, but they kind of forget to mention that HBK was left a bloody mess after that. Man, I hate when they do that. They're not selling me on the match. They're selling me on DX. Yawn.

Jaws: Oh, let it go Jon. You can't get too wrapped up when wrestling does their own revisionist history. This stuff isn't meant to be taken seriously. History is written by the winners, or those written in as the winners. That's why people should wholly believe "The Rise and Fall of WCW." Available at Best Buy.

Gruden: Why in blue blazes are they bringing this up? They've got DX talking about how combined they've been in ten Hell in the Cell matches, which is like saying they've been in ten car wrecks. Isn't the HITC match concept supposed to have this aura of shortening careers?

Mike: You're right, Jon. Let's just be thankful Triple H didn't do his standup comedy. That's some real horror!

Jaws: Heh!

Gruden: Yeah, well, he ain't too funny, is he?

(Michael Cole watching at home: Bwahahahahahahaha! Triple H comedy! Wahhhahahahaha...huff...huff...can't breathe...need...oxygen...)

Gruden: Back to the business at hand, I also disagree with Trips bringing up the last time DX fought inside a cell. Rubs me the wrong way.

Jaws: You know what was the moment of glory in DX's last HITC match? Shoving Vince's busted open head into the keister of Big Show. Not really a proud moment.

Mike: Correct, sir. You know, what I like about this DX-Legacy feud is that new stars are being pushed to the top. Let's face the facts here guys: a year ago Triple H would have handled young Cody Rhodes in two minutes time. Heck, Hunter could have finished both members of Legacy in a handicap match before you could check your Blackberry. It's sad but it's true. So let's take what we can get with the Legacy push.

Jaws: I think I know the reason for that. You see, Triple H won't push just anybody. You've got to earn it. It doesn't behoove anybody to push a perceived chump like Brian Kendrick as a serious threat.

Gruden: If I may be so prudent, this thing really makes me mad. Triple H should have beaten them under 20 seconds, tops. With his arm tied behind his back. Come on, Game! Step it up! Extraordinary players make extraordinary plays, and I get the feeling that Triple H is losing his grip. Nancy O'Dell is beating him up. He's getting soft. It makes me mad.

Mike: What I liked the best about the match is that you could tell that Legacy were getting what very few young talent get with a feud with Triple H: they actually look strong heading towards the PPV match. DX's promo didn't sell the PPV match necessarily; it was the strong showing of Legacy that pushed it. Perhaps DX is too old and too concerned with trying to injure the WWE universe with their flinging of their glow sticks.

Gruden: Lemme me tell ya something, I almost got hit in the eye with one of those darn things.

Jaws: I felt that it was nice for the "sons" of Triple H and HBK to wait until DX's promo was over. It's good that they don't want to steal any thunder from their pops.

Mike: Here's Cedric the Entertainer. Guys, WWE has come under some fire for this guest host bit. Tonight they had Chavo talk about how this weekly guest host bit was "pathetic junk." Your thoughts?

Jaws: Any experienced wrestling fan knows that they will have to make concessions. WWE needs to appeal to the casual market as well as the "hardcore" fan base. My only complaint is that they need to speed these hokey guest host comedy bits up.

Gruden: Heck, I just fast-forward through these parts when watching Raw. TiVo, man.

Mike: Let's go down to our locker room reporter Kelly Kelly. Kelly?

Kelly Kelly: Thanks guys! I'm here. Kofi got his championship back from The Miz. It was weird, because Kofi said "Wassup, Josh," but he didn't say it in his funny Jamaican voice. He almost sounded real. Did you know that I had a one night stand with Randy Orton? And he really does have IED? Did you know that all he does is play "FarmVille" on Facebook? Bye guys!

Mike: Thanks, Kelly. Coming back to live action, we have Evan Bourne vs. The Miz.

Gruden: I like The Miz. He scowls as much as I do.

Jaws: You can see the progression here. After that bad couple of losses to Cena, The Miz is looking to bounce back with becoming the new U.S. States champion.

Mike: I miss his hats. Anyways, here's the contract signing for Orton vs. Cena. I don't know about you guys, but I kind of like it how in wrestling they like to bring up the point that these contract signings usually end in violence.

Gruden: Here's the story: contract signings are and should remain a staple in wrestling. Thing-on-a-pole matches should not.

Mike: Give some credit to Randy Orton. It's tough to be bad when you're wearing your underwear and a shirt.

Jaws: Wait...are you hearing this guys? Whenever Cena is trying to lighten the mood, it comes off as awkward. Especially that line by Cena about how "he knows him" and "When I look into your eyes." Geesh. "You've tortured me, Randy. Hurt me real bad. Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry? I know you, Randy. I've looked inside your soul. You need me to complete you. You need me to fill the gaping holes. When they lock the door I will destroy you. Ravage your body." I don't get it when Orton told Cena that "he wouldn't be able to sit for weeks" after he is through with him. Whaddya think, Jon? Jon?

Jon:


Mike: Jon must be reviewing the tape. Not good when even your wrestlers talk about how predictable the current feud is. Now, Mark Henry and MVP. The Bright Red Ballers. They should dress up like '80s rappers and be mad fresh.

Gruden: Stop the presses, here comes my man, Jack Swagger. Here's his chance to win the United States gold...wait...ok, Miz came back and grabbed the title...a tiny storyline bit, but we'll take it...hold the phone. Swagger got himself intentionally counted out during a United States championship match? Because lugging around the belt is just so cool? What is going on here?

Jaws: Uh, I can't tell you. No idea why it was a United States championship match in the first place since it was barely hyped to begin with. The conclusion and total lack of response to it lessened the significance of the belt. Bad move. And let's not forget, Jack Swagger has a history of misplacing championship belts.

Mike: Coming up next is our half-time show where we will be recapping all of the action this past wrestling weekend in "The Fastest 3 Minutes" with Chris Berman! Plus, an exclusive interview with Jack Swagger! Now, here's Chris Berman.

Berman: Thanks guys. You know, a lot has happened during this wrestling weekend. You might have heard a tiny TNA PPV called "No Surrender." Here's the "Fastest 3 Minutes" recapping it. We're on the clock.

To recap: A lot of people got tasered. Thank you. Now here's Jaws.

Jaws: Swagger, I got to ask you. What's it like to be the dumbest man in professional wrestling today?

Swagger: I got to tell you, it's a real honor. I've trained my whole life to be awarded that title. All throughout my development years as a wrestler, I wanted to be called "The dumbest man in wrestling." And today, I have achieved that goal. Heck, I've worked on my lisp just in case WWE wants me to explain my remarkably stupid actions! It's a win-win!

Jaws: Wow, you're a real American-American quitter! You must have a chia pet for a brain! Keep at it, champ! Back to you, Mike!

Mike: Welcome back. If you cased you missed it, the story of the night is this: Legacy looked strong and Alicia Fox is a mean sista, but nobody knows why. Up next is Cedric vs. Chavo! Don't you dare miss it!

Gruden: Man, Cedric looks like a gimp in his outfit. Good gravy.

Jaws: This Cedric match is taking forever. WWE has got to quicken the pace here. They've severely downgraded the U.S. championship title picture in order for more time of Chavo stomping Cedric's hat. Wait, Cedric is going under the ring.

Gruden: That's one big gimp. Sorta like a Super Gimp.

Jaws: I think that's the uncharismatic Ezekiel Jackson in disguise.

Mike: Oh, look. Here's the little gimp Hornswoggle. Guess you just have to land on Chavo and you can get the victory.

Jaws: Now look at this, guys. WWE is giving a classy farewell to ring announcer Lilian Garcia.

Gruden: Oh look, there's her old flame Viscera. They've used to have a thing going. Oh, it looks like they are riding off into the fading sunset. I hope it works out for those crazy kids. (Shane note: I wish that this did happen. The World's Largest Love Machine could have said, "Come on, baby. Let's take the long way home" and Big Daddy V and Lilian live happily ever after. But nice of WWE to do the right thing here.)

Mike: Make sure to check out Smackdown, where porn star Batista will fight the Big Show. And maybe something with the Punk-Undertaker feud. Maybe. Only if you're good.

Jaws: Looks like John Cena going to run the gauntlet. He's going to face the three stooges Larry, Curly, and Moe. Nyuk nyuk! They're going to poke his eyes out!

Gruden: Look who came up to the booth with us! It's Super Gimp! How are you doing, fella!

Mike: Good night, ladies and gentlemen! Stay tuned for "Rome Is Burning" with Jim Rome!

Rome: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Let's cut to the chase: Monday Night Raw. Pure junk. No other way to describe it. This show was the definition of junk. Garbage. Putrid, smelly garbage.

And this whole Lilian deal? What was up with that? But man, I loved when Cedric wrestled! Yay! That made me happy! Take that, smarky internet wrestling crowd! I feel like singing! "Feelings..."

(credit to images.usatoday.com, huffingtonpost.com, nimg.sulekha.com, blogs.tampabay.com, youtomb.mit.edu, media.eyeblast.org, 2.bp.blogspot.com, i.a.cnn.net, poptower.com, tarantino.info, graphics8.nytimes.com, theeverend.com, popmatters.com, and images.dailyradar.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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