By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

Don't blame me for not being subservient to others's needs
I'm at the point where honesty just doesn't work for me"
-"So What I Lied" by Sick Puppies

Why were the "imbeciles" in the crowd booing Al Sharpton? Because they were expecting boxing promoter Don King coming to the ring when James Brown's "Living In America" played. Come on, WWE. That's Don King's theme song. Oh well. Nice effort in playing the WrestleMania 23 piano song during Don King's national education reform association commercials. While the PSA was telling about our crumbling and inept school systems, all I thought was, "WWE couldn't even bother to spring for a new song."

I was surprised that Jerry Lawler used the word "wrestling" in a WWE program.

I was also surprised that neither MVP nor Jericho mentioned that Al was in that Adam Sandler movie "Mr. Deeds" while giving off their soulless lines about how great Al was.

What was up with Jericho and MVP wrestling? Breakdown of communication? Or did these guys forget how to wrestle? Sure glad JeriShow vs. Team Red isn't happening on the PPV. We're all in for longer matches on Raw, but here the match length felt like an excuse for WWE to pull off talking bits after the match (which they did). Nice finish here.

-We're back with Primo Colon and Al Sharpton. You know, Primo is getting some love these days from WWE. But he's not on the PPV for the U.S. Championship match. However, three chumps are. Hmm. Al Sharpton is in a mock classroom. Are there classrooms at arenas now? Why does Sharpton's "National educational reform association" look like something out of the movie "Undercover Brother?" And what about the cheesy fake classroom? Is WWE going to shoot an adult film after Al Sharpton leaves? "Uh huh. That's great, Al. Now get out of the way, we need to pump up our DVD sales. Come on in, Mr. Hart."

The funny thing about Al Sharpton on Raw is that nobody will remember what he said next week. The thing felt more like Al Sharpton was doing community service from a crime he committed. Maybe WWE should get in contact with states' legal systems: "Aw man! I got to be guest host on Raw? Man, can't I just pick up trash off the highway?"

-Back to the fake classroom. Uh oh, it's the tag team of Santino and Hornswoggle. Chavo's got to find a partner. "You know who my partner is? Chris Masters." Masterpiece promptly flexed his tits. Oh boy. Don't know how you go from facing DX in a tag team match on Raw weeks ago from being involved in hokey comedy bits.

I know that the current shtick of Santino is that he tells unfunny jokes, but it doesn't have any real impact when Michael Cole pretends that Santino's unfunny jokes are, well, actually funny. Case in point? Mikey having a chuckle over Santino's mention that Chavo and the Masterpiece are like those "two Geico guys." Uh, sure. Maybe more like the "Progressive gay guys," and even then, what the hell?

Plus, we all know that if anybody in WWE resembles the Geico Caveman, it's Edge. Proof?



Hell, it was Adam Copeland all along in that caveman outfit. And while we're at it...



-One wonders what Randy Orton is staring at during a typical Orton promo. Maybe he was staring at Triple H looking over some pictures of butts. That would distract anyone from giving a promo that mattered. You know, that would sell the upcoming PPV and all of that.

-I didn't really get the whole WWE PSAs. "Oh, it's horrible. Give money to these schools so that these kids can have a great education." Meanwhile a guy is paid handsomely to talk about butts. It's like these school people don't want to face the truth: Nobody gives a damn about doctors or scientists. Nah, you just need to land a job where you can talk about butts. My advice to students: "If you're not cheating, you're not trying."

I mean, I'm not sure why WWE is so concerned with "education" anyway. Maybe just to be educated enough to purchase WWE items. Apparently the Divas are "smart, sexy and powerful". Did any of them graduate from college? Does it really matter how smart they are when their matches resemble wrestling matches in slow motion? "They're sexy, powerful, and dumb as hell!" Maybe Mickie vs. Alica Fox can be an "underwater match" at the PPV. Snorkels and everything. Plus swimwear. Make it happen. I'm serious. Bring out a gigantic tank and have the divas wrestle underwater with scuba gear and crap. Because on land their matches s-s-s-s-s-s-suck.

-ECW: Anything can happen. Maybe Zack Ryder will stop dressing like Shakira in that "She Wolf" outfit. Or maybe not. Woo woo woo.

-The DX vs. Legacy feud took a sad turn. The only amount of joy that comes from this feud is the prospect is DX taking a loss over the sake of young talent getting pushed. That's it. It's sort of like when the Patriots were on that 16-0 season and you watched a game hoping that the mighty would fall.

Legacy comes out and butters up Beavis and Butthead. Great. So if DX wins at the PPV, it's the same old DX crap. A "but Legacy gave them a tough fight" lost would emphasize the fact that Legacy are still the same male models chumps they were at the start of the year.

The male models are interrupted by the star bucks drinkin, product pluggin, commercialism son of bitches DX! Oh look, they got a green light behind them in their skybox. Wonder how the creative meeting went down...

Triple H: And make sure that there's a green light behind us.

Vince: So what's the plan, champ?

Triple H: Oh, you know. I'll talk about...butts or something.

HBK: And the Hulk. I was reading that comic on the john.

Triple H: Yeah, whatever. These idiots will eat up anything I say.

Vince: Then after you talk about butts, you guys will walk down the ramp to confront Ted and Cody.

Triple H: Vince! That means I will be touched by...filthy...disgusting...common people! I don't wanna!

Vince: I know, champ. I'll buy you an ice cream after it's over.

The Triple H "not the cheeks, but the center part of the butt" quip shows you a lot what the 13-time world champion does in his spare time. I do wonder how WWE edited out the "asshole" chant from the crowd.

Trips, not done, then starts to talk about The Hulk and Bruce Banner. Because Cody is a big comic book guy. Uh, how would Trips know about that? Does he rummage through Cody's belongings looking for pictures of butts? Trips then spends ten minutes trying to lay down the "the green monster is loose" bit while I was busy being thankful that there wasn't a loaded gun in the room.

Seriously, just once on WWE programming, somebody mention the fact that nearly every line out of Triple H's mouth is the most inane, nonsensical, maddening utter drivel. Just once. Please. Maybe also mention something about "privileges." I'm pretty sure it was Trips who thought up the "Sanford and Son" line for Sheamus on ECW last week.

I would have stood up and applauded if Cody Rhodes said to Trips this line: "What the hell are you talking about?" That's what the "we're more edgy and controversial than DX" Legacy would have done. Instead Trips and Shawn told Cody to "shut up when Daddy's speaking. And oh, by the way, go on a Starbucks run for us. Now." Buy their PPV for their "Backstage Politics in a Cell" match.

-Jack Swagger comes out and does his pyro pushups. At this moment I'm ready for anything resembling logical. Shocking here that Swagger here had a good match on Raw. What's not shocking is that the Chavo-Hornswoggle feud is currently getting more work done on it than the U.S. Championship title picture. Chavo feels remorse and wanted to protect his little buddy Hornswoggle. Why? It's because without his little buddy, ol' Chavo wouldn't be on television. He wants to protect his meal ticket. I'm just depressed that they haven't brought back the cow suit.

Curious to see that Chris Masters wasn't treated like a chump here in this match. Face Chavo vs. Masters?

-Big Ben Burger is coming to the next Raw. Nice move to counter Favre vs. The Green Bay Packers next week. I wonder if Ben's "O-Line" is really the offensive line, or a bunch of chubby independent wrestlers. Big Ben is also the one guest host in a long awhile in which I'm curious to see him on Raw. Maybe that's why people were booing Al Sharpton.

It's like WWE needs to have three skits with their guest host no matter what. Like the world would be a better place with a Bella Twins-Al Sharpton skit.

Sure, Raw gets some media attention with the guest host thing, but when people tune into next week to see Ben, what are the chances that Ben will be involved in more hokey comedy bits that are sad? Pretty damn good. I think it would be pretty funny if Ben came out and trashed the wrestling audience for buying tickets to this garbage. Yes, they should turn Ben heel. Instead of having him saying the soulless "we're going to have a great time tonight blah blah blah."

Heck, maybe being the guest host of Raw is Ben Burger serving his community service. Maybe that's what this whole "Guest hosting" Raw is: punishment for celebrities. Soon we'll find out that past Raw guest hosts were involved in pretty ugly instances. Seth Green beating up a kid for his action toy. Trish Stratus torturing people in her yoga studio. Bob Barker going mad and chopping dog's nuts off in a wild spree. Shaq for sexually harassing Kobe's wife. Jeremy Piven for just being a douche. It all makes sense now.

-They went the Tim Tebow route with John Cena (take that, you crazy Florida Gator fans). We're all applauding the "violent side" of John Cena. It is a bit jarring to see (a) Randy Orton in nano-seconds shed his credible heel character to play the coward heel character and (b) for Cena to shrug off two credible guys' deadly submission moves. But here's the bottom line: people will pay to see that. Throw logic out the window for PPV buys. Even if it makes the Walls of Jericho and Show's camel cutch look like relaxing stretches. Even if it makes Orton look like a scared coward inside a cell, even though he's been in one, and Cena hasn't. History and logic. Who needs them? Maybe at the PPV Cena can fall off the cell onto a 7,000 watt searchlight. And get up.

Fighting on top of the cell was a nice tease. Thanks, Al Sharpton. Nice of you to lower it down for John Cena. You must be a real violent guy...wait. You were probably out of there on the first flight out. Funny out many times the "Raw guest host" looks to be in charge of two things: Jack and s---. And Jack just left town (humor me with an "Army of Darkness" quote).

-So Raw ended with a nice tease, but will WWE please at the PPV? I don't know. The Hell in a Cell concept is built on two guys going "ultra-violence" on each other. There's been great HIAC matches and then there's been real stinkers. You know. 30 minutes of boring bloodshed. There's also been the farce match. Hell, I still remember the WWE announcers lying to me about "violent hell hounds roaming around ringside looking to tear flesh." What I got instead were dog handlers! Damn you, WWE! You lie!

Will WWE "PG" up the Hell in the Cell concept? On one hand, it might be a good move to protect wrestlers. Why not transform an archaic, violent caveman-like match concept into a safer environment? Why not train the audience to know what to expect from a HIAC match? But on the other hand, "violence" is the main draw of any Hell in the Cell match. By definition, a TLC match is more dangerous than a HIAC match because of a lot of things that could go wrong. You can have Horny vs. Chavo in a HIAC match. What makes the HIAC match have that "violent aura" about it is the work done by previous HIAC matches. If you watch old HIAC matches, there's buckets of blood, steel chairs wrapped with barbwire, etc.

That's why the PPV is a tricky one to me: they will have three HIAC matches on the same night. I have no idea how it will be executed. Will old fans be let down after three gutless HIAC matches? Will the internet crowd chime in and say that maybe Horny vs. Chavo should take place inside a cell after this pansy performance? Or will people be burned out by the HIAC concept when Undertaker vs. Punk rolls around (I'm assuming that it will be last). Heck, even seeing blood on WWE programming would be somewhat of a shock. Will WWE feel the pressure to have another "controversial" bit on their PPV to entice viewers to their programming?

-See y'all later. Now go look at pictures of some butts while you're chilling in your swimming pool by your mansion. Just like Triple H. You don't need no stinkin' education, kids. Just eat nachos all day and buy Hell in the Cell. Anybody want to loan me $4,000 so I can pay off my college loans? Please? Triple H? "Just send them pictures of butts. Everybody loves butts. Butts butts butts."

(credit to blog.vh1.com and 1.bp.blogspot.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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