Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 1/2
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Ah, you’re killing me Cena. Let me start by saying, I’m not a Cena hater. At all. But, this is so corny. Stop being so needy, Cena. It’s okay to dislike something! It’s like his character was raised by hippies. He’s such a pandering mess. I’m not on the “Turn Cena Heel” bandwagon, I’m on the “Make Cena Interesting” bandwagon. He can be a face, that’s cool. Just make it so I don’t want to light myself on fire like a Chinese Monk. His character can’t be this stupid, can he? He does know when he’s being insulted, right? I feel like he’s too stupid to even be mean to, like, Forest Gump. Cena just wants to see Jen-nay and help Lieutenant Da-an fish for shrimp.

B – Bryan’s character now is...interesting...I think. I don’t exactly understand it, but I can notice seeds being laid in the ground for something. He seems to be not only more confident and more abrasive, but he seems overly joyous. The fact he won by a small package isn’t lost on me. I can’t tell if they’re booking him super weak so he’s a grateful underdog champion (which isn’t a bad character, Bret Hart played it for ten years) or if they’re making him confident to the point of cockiness. It’ll be intriguing to see how they play this from here. I just hope they have a plan, period.

C – Could that have been any more awesome? R-Truth is beyond crazy now, he’s insane. He’s crazier than a sack of ferrets...but dammit, I love him. I wonder if he does Birthday parties...don’t worry, I promise their won’t be any spiders, Mr. R. I love his new vest, too. It’s sort of like: “I’m super crazy, but I know that if I don’t wear clothes I’ll go back to jail. So I made this wacky vest!”

D – Does this crowd understand how wrestling shows work? They know this isn’t an AA meeting, right? You don’t have to wait your turn to speak! Cheer! Boo! Scream! Yell tasteless things! This crowd is worse than a hypothetical main-event that’s capped off by Kane ripping through the ring mat and trying to eat/love/burn Zack Ryder. Wouldn’t that be crazy? Good thing that would never happen.

E – Everything Truth does is awesome. He’s like a dementia-rattled Elmer Fudd. I could totally see him falling for Bugs Bunny in drag. By the way, why does no one ever think about Bugs Bunny’s motives? The guy wore drag an excessive amount and even went as far as kissing many of the people who were trying to kill him. Is there something we need to know about you, Bugs? You need a therapist more than Tony Soprano.

F – For real, I love Truth. Again, we must delve into the mind of the Suntan Superman. It doesn’t get any better than this. It’s almost like an “outsider” type gimmick. I wouldn’t mind at all if he kept interfering from the crowd to build up a match with Miz at a PPV. And, also, the Little Jimmy that Truth let speak is so over. He just cut one of the best promos of the night. Book him for WrestleMania! I want Money in the Bank to come down to Otunga’s Travel Mug and Little Jimmy.

G - Grade C. This episode didn’t work for me. It wasn’t that it was silly, it was just boring. None of the matches even approached interesting other than the obvious (Cody Rhodes vs. Daniel Bryan) and even that was too short. Raw leaned way too heavy on shock and awe and not enough on the core business: wrestling. It was better than a hot pocket that’s still cold in the middle, but not as good as smelling like lemons. That’s courtesy of my new facial cleanser. I’m trying to be more Dashing in 2012.

H – Huh. Did Zack Ryder get hit with a steel beam since last week? Or fall off a building? Or get run over by an ice cream truck? Apparently, his character is dumber than toast. I hope people are finally starting to come around to what I’ve been saying since day one: his character is way too over the top. And this proves it. If he gets any stupider, Eve will have to tie his shoes for him and remind him to breathe. I mean, this is an actual quote: “Hey Eve, remember that tag match that we won last week?” Uh, I hope so.

I – Is there any logical reason that Vickie is decked out in chocolate brown tonight? It’s not a good look, Vickie. It’s pretty disgusting. Please revert to your Betty Rubble attire ASAP.

J – Just okay. I still wasn’t that impressed with Ziggler-Punk. I think people are over-rating it because they like the participants so much. Don’t worry, I do too. And, I get it. But, it wasn’t that good. There was some nice amateur stuff at the beginning and Ziggler sold well, but where was the excitement? I don’t think anyone expected this match to end clean, especially when it was revealed as the beginning match of the second hour. It seems like they’re more interested in propagating Punk and Laurinaitis’s annoying “feud” than pushing Ziggler and a legitimate challenger for Punk. If Punk and Laurinaitis ever have a match, beware hardcore fans, I will disparage your scared cow, C.M. Punk. It’s already getting borderline stupid. It’s almost as dumb as Zack Ryder’s character is.

K – K, I sort of liked the count-out finish. There aren't enough count-out finishes to be honest. It’s super effective in giving a heel challenger a talking point (I beat him fair and square...by count-out) and it saves the best match-up for later. Plus, it just confirms that the referees can, in fact, count to ten. Sometimes it seems like they get stuck on seven. It’s okay, Tommy Pickles does, too. Hint: the next number is not eleventy.

L – Ladies. Gotta love Kelly Kelly and Eve. Class, not ass, ladies. I wonder if they think they’re role models. Female empowerment! Shake your body! Kind of sort of run ropes! I want to be like them when I grow up. Way to set an example, girls.

M – Man, how about that curse word by Punk, huh? You really appreciate the word “bitch” more when the most obscene thing your talent says is “JBL is poopy." See, TNA, this is why PG is great. In TNA, most of the Knockouts think their name is “bitch” they hear it so many times. In WWE, the same word gets a rousing response from the crowd. The PG Era is good, guys. Deal with it.

N – Now, we will finally find out the person and/or entity behind the ominous videos. The dark seed growing through the cracks in our jaded, dusted society. What oh what monster lurks just below the surface, waiting to turn a mirror at ourselves and illuminate the barren souls we all carry like burdens into the afterlife? It’s...it’s...Chris Jericho. Smiling and yelling. Oh.

O – Oh...

P – Perhaps having a Lego-faced Jericho run around and slap everyone’s hands 14 times wasn’t the best reveal for the weird viral videos. Perhaps something like...I don’t know, the Loch Ness monster would have been better. Or even a zombie. Who doesn’t like zombies? Hah, just joking. We wouldn’t want this to get too ridiculous. It’s not like we’d want some guy to try and drag Zack Ryder into hell or something. Hah. That would be funny and crazy and it would be super-stupid. I’m silly. That would never happen.

Q - Quotes.

R-Truth: “Quack...quack...quack...” Amazing.

Jericho: “.........” Well said. Apparently that promo means he’s a genius now. Good to know.

R – Really? I can’t let go of Chris Jericho’s absurdness. I’m a huge Jericho fan, but let’s step back for a second. He looked like he just wandered in out of someone’s basement dungeon. He looked like a mutated Christmas tree from some C-Level horror movie somewhere...that I’m sure airs on Syy. By the way, the camera shaking thing before the reveal was so very lame. Again, it’s not Syfy. And, no, I don’t know what to make of his silence, but I don't think it's brilliant. It’s funny...I think. I can just imagine some kid going “Mommy, why does he keep touching my hand? Make the shiny guy stop mommy, make him stoppppp!” I think Jericho’s return might be too clever for it’s own good. I thought that was awful television.

S – So this main-event is...lackluster, to say the least. And, since when is it elimination? And, what’s the point of making it elimination anyway? It served no story purpose. Not much of a main event, either, when the faces have the advantage. Oh no, those darn faces have more guys. Nooo!

T – Totally don’t know what to say. What do you write about when a character rips through the ring and attempts to drag a fist-pumping merchandise whore into “hell”...or you know, down to where they keep the wrenches or something? The point is, both places are unsavory. Wrenches smell funny, especially if they have oil on them. And, they’re heavy. Look, I said it last week and the week before that: Kane’s character is lame, over the top, and silly. And, no one believed me. Well, how about now? Is your intelligence insulted yet?

U – Uh, just to be clear: is Kane trying to commit homicide? Because Cena and Ryder got a good court case building here. He suffocated Cena and drug him around before trying to pull Ryder into a hole that erupted in flames after he went in. That sounds like seven different Cold Case Files episodes. Beyond the absolute absurdity and the fact that I think he was trying to cook and cannibalize Ryder, I understand that this wasn’t for me. It wasn’t for you, either. This was for the kids. It’s like watching Pokemon and getting mad when the main character would rather learn a lesson about sharing and friendship than becoming a Pokemon Master. I’m sure if I was seven, I would remember this forever (not so much the Ryder part, as I’m pretty sure I’d be confused about that). Taken at face value, though, this was insane. If this doesn’t make John Cena into Hulk Hogan, then I don’t know what does.

V – Very funny. How about that Brodus debut, guys? Eh? Nice squash match for ol’ Brody. Oh wait, he didn’t debut. Again. This is starting to turn into the most recent season of Dexter. I can’t tell if Brodus is a figment of my imagination or not. I’m so confused! I don’t even want Brodus to debut now. Now, I’m angry. I want the next episode to start with an obituary for Brodus, claiming that he was under the ring when Kane made fire come out. I can see the tag line now: “Even in death, he smelled like pork chops.”

W – Well...I don’t know what else to say. A guido almost got cooked under the wrestling ring. I’m speechless...expect for, you know, all that stuff I said above.

X - Xylophone.

Y – You know you watch too much Raw when: You wonder if Brodus Clay is a little invisible devil on Kane’s shoulder. “Cook some food in the ring. Lots of meat. Man I’m hungry...wait...whoa, whoa buddy! That’s a dude! I do not eat people! Let him go! What is wrong with you, Kane? You know he wouldn’t taste good! He’s 75 percent merchandise! Stop being weird and slather some more JR’s sauce on Hornswoggle.”

Z – Zero: The number of things Jericho said that weren’t “yeah!” and “hey!” The percentage of people who were thoroughly entertained by Jericho. And, finally, the number of Broskis harmed in last night’s episode of Raw...unfortunately.

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net. By the way, this column officially marks one year of Alphabet Soup (first column was for the January 3, 2011 episode of Raw). That’s right: one whole year of “X – Xylophone.” I hope this is just the beginning, or, a brutal, explosion filled ending. Either one would be pretty cool. Thanks to anyone who actually read all one-hundred and...blah blah blah columns (there’s no way I’m counting all of these). Even I barely read the first 20 or so. So...thanks!

[Torch photo (c) PWTorch.com]

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