Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 1/6
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Amazing. You have to love Booker’s idea of selling, which appears to consist of staying still and holding your face open like you’re about to eat a giant sandwich. Basically, every time he gets hit, he looks like Han Solo frozen in Carbonite. I hope he doesn’t have any delusions of grandeur, right Chewy? Eh?

B – Boy, I sure do love Cody Rhodes. I don’t need to tell you, my faithful reader that. Unfortunately, I do have to be fair. Okay, well, I don’t technically “have” to be fair, it’s my column, but I prefer to be fair. Plus, it helps put me on the right side of the Big Man’s list, you know what I mean? So, to stay in Santa’s good graces, I need to admit that Cody and Booker’s match could have been better. Booker showed some ring rust and sometimes didn’t seem quite athletic enough to pull off what he and Cody had planned. For his part, Cody played the perfect heel and made Booker look pretty legit, even if the match could have used a few more close falls. It wasn’t going to be a dream match, I get that. But it had room to be better. Move on to the next letter! This was hard enough as it is! Don’t look at me!

C – Could the Randy Orton teasers be any more awesome? You gotta love the super-dramatic piano music, which I’m sure they pulled out of some '50s western movie. The way they presented it, I’m almost certain they are going to announce that Orton died of a broken heart, a la Padme. I only wish they made it more dramatic. I want the next one to have doves flying around and a church choir singing.

D – Dustin and Cody Rhodes’s story is playing out in a very interesting way. I like that instead of presenting it straight up as Goldust vs. Cody, they are playing into Dustin’s absence, almost as if he is default retired now. The idea that he’s shamed into being something he’s not and constantly berated by his brother is one of the most creative ideas WWE has had in a while. It’s a perfect story, which seems to be something that follows Cody around. Let’s face it: a character as good as his writes its own stories. Did that make up for my criticism, Cody? Did it? Talk to me! I can’t stand the silence!

E – Ew. Aksana gets worse every week. Either have Teddy finally get some relief or move on. No self-respecting man would be strung along this long. Teddy does have options. Have you seen his wide array of brown suits? WITH patterns? Obviously, you haven’t. Teddy can do better than a loose Sin Cara.

F - For real. I’m all the way in. I’m fully buying into this Daniel Bryan story. I have a feeling where this is going and all I have to say is: yes, please. Not only are we careening toward a heel turn, I think he’s taking A.J. with him. That’s right: he’ll make A.J. - the hip, rad, rockin’ girl with ‘tude - entertaining. At least, I hope so. If I have to hear about her Converse boots or supposed video gaming habits again, I’m going to slit my wrists with a Super Nintendo cartridge.

G - Grade A-. Some people didn’t like it, and I agree with them. I loved it. Smackdown hit all the right spots for me. It had fun moments, great storytelling, and entertaining matches. It even had shots of Jim Neidhart’s beard! Can’t ask for a show any better. It was better than driving by a row of fast food restaurants with your windows down (the smell is intoxicating), but not as good as the look on a cashier’s face when you tell them you’d like some reading material about their store's terrible credit card.

H - Hornswoggle is fat. I’m not being mean or judgmental, but did you see him? Now, I’m worried. If he didn’t get into WWE for his athleticism, then what did he get in for? I can just imagine Vince sitting back with a cigar and yelling to no one in particular “Get me one of them little people! And if he doesn’t have a beard, so help me God...”

I – I’m happy to see they took my advice and made the Orton teaser more dramatic. This time, the ominous zoom has been sped up and it almost looks like the colors have been saturated. You know what we have here? That’s right: an episode America’s Most Wanted. Quick, somebody get that deep-voiced host and a guy from a dog food commercial with a beard...sort of! Time to make TV magic! By the way, did anybody else notice how Orton made a perfect chalk body outline at the bottom of the stairs? Real convincing, buddy. Die with your legs not looking like you’re walking on clouds and I’ll think about giving you credit. I bet they are still trying to get the baby oil off that stairwell, too. They probably charge $5 dollars to grease your door knobs in it and $10 if you want to rub your dry arms on it. But, I’d recommend getting the deluxe package for $12, and then you can look good as you reach for that quiet knob.

J – Just wondering why WWE needs to offer a lowrider bicycle history lesson every time Hunico and Camacho come out. Is it really that relevant to the match? Will I be lost during the match if I don’t know that Mexican immigrants made them because they couldn’t afford the cars? What guy backstage is obsessed with these and won’t shut up about it? We get it guys: stereotypical Mexicans ride cool bicycles. Save your theories about their origins in the Latino culture for your thesis, egghead.

K – K, that was pretty impressive. No matter how bad Hunico’s gimmick is or how much Ted’s push is based on him pandering to fans, that match was really good. Really, really good. Ted is really quite an athlete, and he can energize a crowd at a moment’s notice. Combine that with Hunico’s surprising technical skills and Lucha maneuvers and you have a match-up I want to see many more times. I’m hoping that Ted finally taking a loss will lead to him and Hunico starting a feud. Oh yeah, and I hope it’ll lead to Jinder Mahal going away. Forever. Thanks!

L – Let me guess: Sheamus’s family reunion takes place in an insane asylum? How many of his relatives have been kicked in the head by a wild animal, by the way? It’s up to like two or three now, right? Either his family members really like having their faces behind dangerous animals or they just aren’t smart. I keep picturing his extended family looking like The Oddities.

M – Man, Drew McIntyre looked crispy this week! His moves were focused and impactful, and you have to love his ring psychology. Also, his hair is pretty. Like, girl pretty. How many times does he shampoo that luscious mane? You know he winks into mirrors and flips it all the time. It’s okay, Drew, I’m not judging. This is a no judgment zone. You and your pretty girl hair are safe here. What’s that, Heath Slater? Shut your mouth! I will judge you! I mean...uh...next letter.

N – No. Santino as Assistant GM is going to be awful. His act is running thin and hand puppets (no matter what Attitude Era fans will tell you) do not make things better. Why can’t Santino be thrown down stairs or be a passenger in a randomly exploding limo? Ooo! Maybe Rikishi will run over him! “I did it for you, Charles." Thanks, Kishi.

O – Oh my. Despite my misgivings, Primo and Epico are pretty epic. I love the fluidity of their moves and their intensity. Maybe they aren’t the most intimidating team (short guys with small muscles only scare two kinds of people: Jersey Shore cast members and suburban families. It’s always that little guy down the street that has a fridge full of hitchhiker thumbs), but they are pretty entertaining, so I’ll take it! They meshed very well with Air Boom, who I long to make fun of but won’t because they had a good match. Did you see Evan Bourne, though? Someone was psyched to be in his Ninja Turtle outfit! That boy had three servings of Ovaltine this morning. Seriously, nice work guys. Now hurry up, Evan gets 30 minutes of cartoons before bed time. It may not be a school night, but I don’t care. The last thing we need is him getting all worked up at night time. Rubber sheets are expensive.

P – Pow! Bang! Ziff! Ziff? Is that a real sound? What object or motion makes a “ziff” sound? I swear I’ve seen that in old comics and I have no idea what it means. When I hear “ziff,” I think of green aliens, The Simpsons, and cool car companies (wouldn’t you totally buy a car made by the Ziff Company?). Anywho, that whole preamble was for, as Booker affectionately puts it, “Dat superhero, mah boy D-Bry!” He’s really flexing his chops. I’m stunned by how well he’s playing his character. I’m also stunned at how well this story is coming off on TV! I’m speechless...time to go run around the ring and slap people’s hands! Whoo! Yeah!

Q - Quotes.

Mark Henry (after that guy Josh Mathews said some jibber-jabber): “Shut up!”

Mark Henry (after Cole moved his lips and makes sounds, you know, that talking thing): “Shut up! What does that have to do with this match? That isn’t relevant at all!” The most impressive thing about that was learning Henry knew the word relevant.

R - Really impressed. Damn, does WWE want me to be nice? They’re making it hard to be funny when they do things that make so much sense. Oh, logic, why are you so cruel to me? Pushing Tamina as a heel and smartly educating younger fans on Natalya and Tamina’s backgrounds was fantastic. This is all I ask for. I just want Divas to be taken seriously. Thank you, WWE. Also, thank you for giving me the opportunity to see Jim Neidhart’s beard again. It was nothing short of hysterical. It looks like he has an afro pic hanging off his face. It’s like a chin weave. Amazing.

S - So freaking funny. Mark Henry should always do commentary. In fact, he should wear a headset during his matches. He’s so blunt and literal. I’ve never seen someone no-sell the commentators like that before. I actually rolled around laughing, which is quite easy because I watch WWE rolled up in a ball in case Kane busts through the ring again. He’s scary. Anyway, I got a pitch for you, WWE Network. Here we go: The show is called “Shut Up!” The basic premise is you get a bunch of suburban losers to come on and tell Henry about the minutia of their life, like how their son Zane is doing in soccer or how their daughter Bella is the best girl scout since her mom, and Henry just yells and berates them. The one who stops talking last wins. By the way, I’ll sell that idea to you, WWE Network, for $5,000 dollars...or some tater crowns and fruit punch. I’m not picky. And I’m hungry.

T - Totally loved the story in this match. Having Bryan look very good but realizing he can’t win is a very real sentiment, and his reaction was fantastic. Maybe he looked a little silly as he did the looking back and forth routine between Show and Henry, but it still came out great. The key was the way Bryan over-sells his victories. I had a feeling his crazy celebrations were leading up to something. I think we basically saw a heel turn this week for all intents and purposes, and I, for one, am thrilled. I’m also hungry. Sorry, just sayin’.

U - Uh, nice blood there, Bryan. You almost looked cool.

V - Very nice. Really good ending to Smackdown. The best part was when someone didn’t bust through the ring and attempt to abduct an orange merchandise rack.

W - Well, that’s it for Smack-dizzy. That’s what the cool kids say, right? Smack-dizzy? Am I cool now? No? Aww...

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too Smackdown when: You are surprised Mark Henry speaks so well. The way WWE writes for Henry, his promos in the past have been somewhere between “dumb” and “head injury."

Z – Zero: The number of hamburgers I sat on during Smackdown. The streak continues! The percentage of Aksana “fans” that could tell you her eye color. And, finally, the number of people who weren’t expecting Henry to pull out Josh Matthews’s heart like a Mortal Kombat fatality.

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

We suggest these recent related articles...

10/5 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Natalya vs. Paige, Owens vs. Cara, Stephanie McMahon, Sasha Banks, Xavier Woods

COLLECTIBLES COLUMN: The History of Foam Hands in Pro Wrestling

9/28 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Kane's Split Personality, Divas Revolution, Heyman & Big Show, Reigns vs. Wyatt