Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 1/13
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Amazing. Bryan’s getting some heat! I’m pretty impressed how well he’s coming off as a heel. I thought his heeldom might have been a tad too subtle last week (which I realize is his gimmick), but it looks like it came off perfect. Bryan is such a unique heel in the aspect that he isn’t cocky or big and abrasive; he’s the complete opposite. It’s going to be really fun to see where this character goes. Part of me wants to hate it because of the stigma it’s going to apply to him down the road (no matter what, people will think of him as the little kid who was afraid to lose), but I’m hopeful.

B – By the way, Bryan, I love you buddy, but no one uses chat rooms anymore. 1995 called, it’s wondering when you’re going to call 1993 and apologize. How about we keep Bryan away from the technology stuff. Just wait until he drops a reference to Big Show being slower than his dial-up. Hey, Bryan, why don’t you check your beeper while you are at it?

C – Come on. Why, WWE? Why are you trotting out Heath Slater after such a promising start? Do you want me to be mean? You do?! Oh, okay, then. Nice to see Heath Slater hasn’t dyed his hair like so many other Superstars. Heath Slater looks like the assistant to a serial killer. Couldn’t you totally see him dragging his feet around with a butcher knife and crab hammer in his hands?

D – Dude, either A.J. is seven or this relationship is moving fast. WWE went from “good luck” and concerned sentiments to “I love you” in a month. Are we sure A.J. doesn’t think Bryan has cooties? By the way, Bryan, when a girl drops “I love you,” you’re supposed to say “I know.” Haven’t you ever seen Star Wars? Han Solo man, Han Solo.

E – Ew. Ezekiel Jackson looks uglier every week. He looks like a Mount Rushmore head come to life. And, the hair? He needs to shave it again. He looks like a buff McDonald’s manager or a well-fed LeBron James. His hair peninsula looks like a melting polar ice cap.

F - For real, I adore Cody Rhodes. If I was in high school, I’d write his name in hearts all over my notebook. However, his promo, while well-emoted and spoken like a wrestler at the top of his game, was needlessly cliché for his standards. Rhodes’s character and promos are miles ahead of race-baiting and taking down local crowds. I’m worried Cody has lost his character’s focus since removing his mask. He needs to ask himself what his character’s motivation is now, and more importantly, who is he?

G - Grade A. I am in love with this week’s edition of Smackdown. I would make babies with it. I think this is actually the highest grade I’ve ever given a show. (And, as everyone knows, my grades are completely serious and should be taken as gospel because I am a serious wrestling journalist. I know this because I’m broke. All good journalists are broke, duh.) Good matches, good development, fun bits, and a great “A” story. I’m blown away. It was better than fruit punch, but not as good as Cody Rhodes. Yeah, that good.

H - Huh? Anyone else’s snark meter explode when Cody Rhodes said he was going to “pull an Ultimate Warrior?” I thought that meant he was going to change his name to something stupid and then wuss out of a fight with Kevin Nash. I’m much happier that it means he’s going to try to win both titles.

I – I’m surprised how good Hunico is on commentary. I am not surprised at how bad Camacho’s accent was. Way to mail it in, man. Ooo, do a pirate next! How about Camacho just be the quiet guy? Because the more he speaks, the more apparent it is that he’s as Mexican as Tom Cruise or Ricky Steamboat is Japanese. Plus, again with the damn bikes. They represent your culture? I don’t quite think that’s how it works. I mean, they’re more Mexican than tacos, sure, but I doubt they’re that important to Mexican culture. Then again, one of the guys isn’t even Mexican, so eh.

J – Just okay. Okay little match for DiBiase and Drew McIntyre. I like Drew’s ring awareness and intensity, but his selling is just average. DiBiase, on the other hand, is average all around, but, boy, does he come off as interesting. I wouldn’t say he has charisma (please, I’ve heard him with a mic. He has the charisma of a ham sandwich), but he just seems like he’s having fun, and that translates well on TV. I think DiBiase needs a serious push, though. Rolling through the future endeavored folder isn’t exactly boosting his profile. Put him in a serious program with Cody and I’ll be happy.

K – Kicking it up a notch. I like where this is going with A.J. It almost looks like she’s going to become Bryan’s pawn, maybe even his heel manager. It’s such a smart move to put two young, faceless wrestlers into a relationship like this and allow them to grow their characters through it, especially if it allows the characters to become such well-drawn people. Though it’s moved fast, it’s brilliant. The story writes itself: They started off as an innocent romance. Bryan was an up-and-coming star and A.J. a perky young Diva trying to make a name for herself. Bryan wins the belt and A.J. starts to become even more enamored. After a short time, Bryan’s new-found glory has begun to change him, making him much crueler and deceitful than when she first met him. But, like most smitten partners, she doesn’t see him that way and goes along with it. Before you know it, she’s just as corrupt as him. Classic story told exceedingly well. What can I say? I’m a sucker for well-thought-out, well-told stories. This easily makes more sense than 75 percent of the stories on TV last year. I love that you can even trace it all the way back when Bryan was first beat up by Henry before he was champ and A.J. came to see him in the back. Beautiful long-term planning, Creative. No jokes here, but I do have some Travel Mug stuff in the next letter so...go there.

L – Love Otunga’s match. Just the fact that they’re finally giving Otunga some ring time thrills me. It’s starting to look like they’re actually going to use him. And, they should. He has a remarkable amount of potential as a heel, and if this match is any indicator, he’s getting better fast. I'm still waiting for his Travel Mug (a/k/a Mugsy a/k/a TM the Coffee Kid a/k/a Travel Dazzle a/k/a Mean Mug) to be used as a foreign object, though.

M – Moving on...oh wait, I didn’t mention Jinder vs. Sheamus, did I? Well, here are my well-thought-out, impregnable, logical, opinions on the match: it existed. Thank you. I’m hoping that’ll make the back of the DVD case. “It existed,” says PWTorch Specialist (and Doctor of Funk), Charles Cress! Next letter.

N – Nobody loves the Funkasaurus like I do. Damn, this gimmick is fun! I think the reason I like it more than, say, a comedy act like Santino, is that Brodus can legit win matches. He may be silly, but he’s also 6-foot infinity and weighs Ford Escort. I like that he can believably win matches. It makes it much easier to relax and enjoy his hi-jinks. Was he getting some pops, by the way? They sounded piped-in, but I’m hoping he did. Somebody is gonna need to call my momma if they scrap this gimmick. And, while you are on the phone with her, tell her I need some more fruit punch. And ask her if I can borrow $20. I promise I’ll pay her back. When? Shut up! Just tell her!

O – Oh, and thanks for coming, Tyson Kidd. As a leaving prize, you get a one year’s supply of tube socks! Tube socks: because ankles are disgusting, too. And, what prize is complete without potatoes?! These ugly, chef-rejected potatoes look like tiny demolished mini-vans...and taste like them, too!

P – Perhaps. Anyone else think Tyson Kidd looked like Dolph Ziggler from Ziggler’s “I’m trying to look normal” phase? Unfortunately, that’s where the comparisons stop. It’s called charisma, Tyson, and it won’t bite.

Q - Quotes.

Aksana: “I love to hit on black.” What pervert backstage is writing these? I guarantee no one shakes that guy’s hand.

R - Really awesome. I’m sure Sin City Smackdown will go over well. After all, WWE has a wonderful history of making particular cities look great and highlighting interesting aspects of their culture. For instance, did you know London has funny looking cars and phone booths? You do now! Thanks, WWE! I got $40 on someone using the hackneyed “What happens in Vegas...” line and I’ll put down $100 on a heel cutting a promo about the debauchery in Las Vegas. The most original Smackdown of the year!

S - So, I like Daniel Bryan. That’s established. And, I love this title match main event. Bryan’s scrappy persona is shining through and it feels pretty damn realistic. However, I think Bryan’s selling leaves something to be desired. He sold much better when he was a mid-card guy. Maybe they don’t want him selling as much because he needs to look stronger as a champ, but it sort of ruined this match for me. I know he can do it, but he didn’t.

T - Totally loving this. Damn, that was good! I want to even more embrace to the idea of A.J. being used by Bryan to once again retain his title. And, Big Show was pitch-perfect. I think he even managed fake tears! Oscar worthy performance, Show. Oscar worthy. This has to easily be one of the best stories in wrestling since the new millennium began. Bryan is so obsessed with retaining his championship that he’ll sacrifice A.J. and her misplaced trust in him. More of this, please, less Kane trying to murder people. Thanks.

U - Uh, Big Show’s head is huge. I know this isn’t exactly new information, but damn. I’m pretty sure they required no zoom for his close-up at the end. The only words I can think of that accurately describe his head are words like “cannonball,” “pumpkin,” and “life-sized submarine.” It looks like a giant bean pushing up through Mount Rushmore.

V - Very fun. I had so much fun with this show. Is it just me? Yes? What’s that? I ask way too many rhetorical questions? And it shows my weaknesses as a writer that I rely on such a hack technique? What else? This joke is running thin? What did you say about a dead horse? Why yes, I do enjoy hot chocolate. This guy....

W - Well, that’s it. I got a date with a bag of Arby's and premature diabetes. I’m going to have to work out soon if I don’t want to rock the Kerry Von Erich foot. (And, yes, I realize Kerry didn’t lose his foot to diabetes. Hah, beat you to it, commenters! Yeah! Take that! Whoo! What other possible thing can you comment negatively on now?! Oh yeah...all the other stuff I wrote.)

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: Any combination of Sheamus, Jinder Mahal, and Wade Barrett makes you want to smash your head into a brick wall.

Z – Zero: The number of people who didn’t love the Funkasaurus. The number of bagels I ate during this show. And, finally, the percentage of Teddy Long’s dance moves that are legal.

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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