Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 1/20
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Ah, I like this. I like that WWE isn’t having Bryan cut the typical heel promo. It’s remarkable: he’s getting a crazy amount of heat while still playing this "in denial, kind of sort of tweener." I’m fascinated at how well this is written. See, WWE? You can have a heel that doesn’t call the crowd fat and insult the local sports teams. It’s called subtlety, and, guess what? The WWE Universe Galaxy of Human Planet Solar Systems is smart enough to figure it out on their own. You don’t have to hold their hand.

B – By the way, is it just me, or does Aksana seem to only own one piece of clothing? I swear, she’s worn the same leather ensemble for two months now. So, not only is she a nasty harlot with omnipresent sax music, but she also probably smells. Aksana, ladies and gentlemen. The apple of our eye.

C – Cody Rhodes (and the writers) are doing a nice job re-defining his character after what’s felt like wheel spinning to the highest degree recently. Re-imagining Cody as the heir to the Rhodes name, the patron saint of the Rhodes family, is an interesting take. It’s a smart direction to go in: it acknowledges his incredible familial history while tucking it nicely in the past. Even though it gets Cody further away from the character-driven skills I expect from him, it positions him nicely as a realistic, main event-level player.

D – Dude, Ezekiel Jackson cracks me up. I...I just can’t let go of his look. He looks like a prison lunch server. He looks like Ron Simmons after devouring a water bed. I've heard his pointed, peninsula-like hairline can also double as a letter opener, and if you’re really in a jam, it detaches like Lego hair. Only Steve Garvey and Mason Ryan can do that. So...so that’s special.

E – Everything is going well...so far. I’m remaining optimistic after a wonderful match with Cody Rhodes and Justin Gabriel. Gabriel is on a collision course with a nice mid-card push and I wouldn’t object at all to a feud with Cody. Two young wrestlers fighting for a championship is a dream come true, plus it’s a nice distraction while waiting for Cody and Goldust to happen. By the way, just be honest, Gabriel, you totally wanted a Showgirls match. Commmee onnnn.

F - Freaking awesome. Booker looked a little too happy to be playing with that Tornado Takedown ring (which has to be the worst name for a toy since Sock’em Bopper). There’s a pretty good chance those figures are his. And, there’s an even greater chance that the camera is going to pull out in the main-event to reveal Booker still absentmindedly mashing the red button. The good news is, this explains the last year or so of terrible commentary. The bad news is we can't see what kind of matches his figures are having. I like to imagine they all do his moves and mannerisms, no matter which toy it is. “Oh, dere go dat boy Cena doing the Spin-a-roni dawg! And, ma boy da Miz hittin’ that scissor kick, youknowwhatImean?!” Every match ends in a dance-off, which is promptly declared a draw.

G - Grade B. I thought Smackdown lost a lot of luster from last week thanks to a lot of nothing. Nothing new, nothing interesting, nothing exciting. This week was pretty much written in stone. The only question was how would Daniel Copperfield Blaine escape this situation. Overall, Smackdown was better than eating snow (a very underrated snack when you are a child), but not as good as watching someone air drum on the steering wheel at a stoplight. Look, Neil Peart, how about looking up and hitting the gas pedal? Thanks.

H - Huh. Glad to see the Usos getting some TV time. I love these kids. Chubs and Skinny are the most underrated team in WWE and the best to make jokes about. I love imagining them trying to dress up the same like other twins and having a hard time finding clothes that fit them both. The image of Chubs’s belly hanging out of his shirt, standing next to Skinny and smiling like they’re identical twins, is hilarious. You know he’s totally in denial about it, too. Like, he asks to borrow Skinny’s clothes all the time, and he has to shoot him down. “You are not my size. We are only identical in the face. Trust me, our dinner was not identical. All of the shirts you’ve borrowed are all stretched out now. They hang off me like I’m in a Casper Halloween costume. No matter what you say, you are not a medium!”

I – I’m just wondering what other kind of match Vickie and The Funkasaurus would have had if not a dance-off. I mean, it’s inferred that one of them spun the wheel and got "dance-off," but what if they didn’t? Does that mean there was a possibility we could have seen Brodus crush Vickie in a cage match? Or a tables match? I like that they inferred a man-on-woman beating. Good times.

J – Just so you know, though, the dance-off was heavenly. There was everything to love about this. First, Vickie busted out the “Elaine,” with some pretty impressive kicks. That’s a sponge-worthy performance right there. Secondly, you had giant Brodus looking like Chris Farley from the classic stripper sketch on SNL and jiggling his leg fat like a Capri Sun rolling downhill. And, finally, you had William “Sunshine” Regal doing God knows what before eating a fat, sweaty stomach. I mean, if you read that description and don’t smile, you’re probably my dad. Or a mean person. Or someone with poor reading comprehension. Or depressed. Or that guy that was mean to me at Kroger for no reason even though I smiled and let his cart through, completely ignoring the fact that my shopping cart had the right of way and HE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE! Other people have things to buy, jerk! Hey, the jerk store called, they’re all out of you! Heh...jerk store. I’ve always wanted to say that. I realize now that this paragraph is the equivalent of typing “I’m familiar with the television program Seinfeld” over and over again, and I apologize.

K – Kind of nasty. Jeez, Brodus sure can sweat, can he? He build up quite a lather sort of dancing to the ring. I bet if Mark Henry and he ever occupied the same room, the condensation alone would start an indoor hurricane. He sweats like Mason Ryan doing long division.

L – Let’s all applaud Sheamus and Wade Barrett for not only putting on a decent tables match, but helping WWE stall until the Royal Rumble. It’s maddening the way WWE tries to keep things status quo so close to a big PPV. Instead of building up anything, they seem content to ride it out until the big event. Well, bravo, you’ve done it again. Despite my sarcasm, I did think this match was fantastic and like I always say: hating a match where guys get tossed through tables is Un-American. That’s a good time waiting to happen.

M – Man, Jinder Mahal cannot get a break! Barrett brutalizes Sheamus and puts him through a table, but the second Jinder Mahal is introduced to the proceedings, Sheamus bounces up and kicks his ass. This isn’t a push, it’s a pull. Honestly, whose wife did he flirt with backstage? People hate him more than green ketchup. (Remember that? Ugh, this is a Dane Cook style joke, isn’t it? I’m sorry. I won’t make you remember things that I do without a punchline again. Sorry.) I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that his name translates to “Guy who gets beat up constantly.” The little brother from "A Christmas Story" is booked better than Jinder. Rick Perry is more over than Jinder. Seriously, why does this guy exist?!

N – No way. Really? A freaking flag match? In 2012? I’m worried about how fast they had the flags ready. Where backstage did they just happen to have giant, equal sized American and Mexican flags? Did Hacksaw Jim Duggan and his cousin El Hacksaw Jose Duggan just happen to walk by? What would they have done if this was between two Americans? Would one of them have to be “The Mexican?" And would deferring make you racist? So many questions. The ending was so lame too. Ted waving the flag high while Booker says “USA?” I felt like I was watching a John Melloncamp music video. Ugh.

O – Overall, though, it wasn’t that bad for a five-minute pole match. Ted sold well and Hunico and he seem to have some pretty good chemistry. And, hey! At least this didn’t happen in TNA. Because, not only would it have been a Knockouts match, but the poles would have been of the strip club variety. And, I’m sure it would have been sponsored by “The World Series of Beer Pong” or “Typical Spike TV Show That Objectifies Women and Says Dude and Bro Far Too Often,” a/k/a all of their fine programming. Spike TV has more boobs than a large bird exhibit. Ah, see? I went the high road on ya. Now, back to the column where I once had a joke about a lesbian vegetable get cut! Pure class. That’s me.

P – Please, no. Why does WWE need a hood for the blindfold match? This isn’t an “Abducted by Al-Qaeda” match. They look like the kidnapped sons of a foreign dignitary from a Liam Neeson movie. Please end this.

Q - Quotes.

Santino: “Drew McIntosh.” One of the best Santino names ever.

R - Really love this part. I adore watching the Lumberjobbers come out. It’s so fun to guess who they are. Is that Curt Hawkins I spy? Can’t be, I thought he was released months ago! It’s like the least interesting parade in the world. I wish there was a way to bet on which guys come out to be a Lumberjobber. Wouldn’t you take 100 to 1 odds on Percy Watson making an appearance? Or 25 to 1 odds that Wade Barrett actually comes out?

S - Seriously, love Daniel Bryan's strategy during the match. At first, I was a tad confused, but it all came together so brilliantly. One of the smartest things I’ve ever seen in a WWE match. They may be booking Bryan as inferior, but they’re not booking him as dumb. He looks like the smartest guy in the room right now. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what a super villain looks like. He doesn’t get his hands dirty - he manipulates his environment and unwitting “peers” into doing his bidding for him. I like the power mad Daniel Bryan. It’s another example of a great original character.

T - Totally lame. As usual, WWE does the ol’ “Look! It’s like the Royal Rumble!” bit. Ugh. I think people have figured out how this works at this point. There’s a reason it does so many buys and the fans are so excited. It’s like trying to tell children why candy is good. Getting it isn’t the problem. The problem is the lack of build for any of the participants. Sure, they mention the Rumble in passing, but where are the impassioned pleas from jobber and main-eventer alike about how they’re going to dominate and win?

U - Uh, this should be interesting. Bryan vs. Henry vs. Show in a triple threat is an unusually star-studded main-event for Royal Rumble. Usually, WWE books younger, less-over guys in the top slots because the Rumble is such a draw that they can’t negatively affect buys. I’m pleasantly surprised that WWE is going with a big-time match at the Rumble. Hopefully this will be the blow-off to this triangle feud, too, by the way. Watching Bryan get slobbered on by giant guys is only funny the first ten times, though, I get the feeling this will carry over to the Elimination Chamber, where Houdini Bryan will make his most daring escape of all. You know how you stop Daniel Bryan’s magic escapes? Put him in a “Barrel Over Niagara Falls” match.

V - Very fun. Raw and Smackdown have been very funny as of late, and not in the typical camp, forced, "only funny if you’ve had a major head injury" way. It’s funny like ha-ha funny. Like a clown funny, if you’re Joe Pesci from Goodfellas and need clarification. I’m proud and worried for WWE at the same time. It’s not good to encourage WWE: they’re that guy that takes compliments way too seriously. Like, if you tell them you like their hat is nice, they’ll come to work every day in an Abe Lincoln stovetop. Let’s not get them excited, okay?

W - Well, that’s all I got. Move on. Nothing to see here.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: You think Teddy Long is sick. He hasn’t made a tag match in weeks!

Z – Zero: The number of people who hate The Funkasaurus. The percentage of wrestling figures Booker T doesn’t own. And finally, the number of times Hornswoggle has ever been next to a gambling table without being ID’d.

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Neal Obermeyer (c) PWTorch.com]

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