Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 1/23
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Ah, not a bad way to start Raw. Who doesn’t enjoy a good message from the Straight Edge Savior? Sure, he again antagonized Laurinaitis more than his actual Royal Rumble opponent, Dolph Ziggler, but at least he moved the story along...I think. It’s really unfortunate that Ziggler is being used as a McGuffin (not McGruff, the crime dog, unfortunately) to continue Punk’s feud with Laurinaitis. But, eh, at least Ziggles is getting something, right?

B – Boo. If you thought I was being funny last week when I said Cena and Ryder are a couple, look no further than the opening promo tonight. What’s the first thing out of Cena’s mouth? “Zack Ryder deserves a re-match!” Cena might as well give him a sloppy kiss in the middle of the ring now. I can’t wait until they come out wearing each other’s ring gear, or - GASP! - exchange wrist bands. Love is in the air, guys. Cena’s got him an orange boo and Ryder finally got himself a big booty lover.

C – Cool. Nice little tag match to open the show. You gotta love Punk starting it out in shorts. For a brief moment, there were enough short pants in the ring to declare a flood warning. Besides expecting a flood, though, the match was pretty even and fun, even if Swaggie got the worst beating. Thankfully, Ziggler looked nice and did enough to make himself seem like a more reasonable threat to Punk, even if that was completely voided by the post-match disaster.

D – Did you guys see that? Punk lined up his water skis directly in the path of that shark tank! No! Don’t jump the sharks, Fonzi! I mean, Punk! Seriously, a match against Laurinaitis? Hey, why aren’t you mad that Ziggler pinned you again? This is baffling. Who out there is begging for this snore fest? You realize all that people are going to do is complain when this match finally happens, right? Ugh.

E – Eh. Uh...all right, Chris...that sounds great. I’ll be there with bells on...or something. Hey, guys, the world as we know it is going to end Sunday...so don’t eat too much. Wanna look fit for your creator. Look, I’ll be the one to say it: Chris Jericho’s new gimmick isn’t “brilliant.” Everyone has figured it out by now. We got it: you’re doing a parody of guys like The Rock and you’re actually a heel. Getting it isn’t the problem. Is it funny sometimes? Sure. T-shirt cannons are never not funny. Even Maude Flanders loves a good t-shirt cannon. But, now that everyone has figured out your “masterpiece,” stop it, please. It’s too clever for its own good and the crowd is getting confused. Can you get to the part where you wrestle and stuff? Thanks.

F - F’n yes! I adore the “Royal Rumble By The Numbers” videos each year. Sure, they’ve been the exact same video since 2008 and the same monotone female Stephen Hawking (or is it the male Stephen Hawking’s computer in drag? Eh?) narrates it, but it’s still fun. It’s light nostalgia and there are just enough stats to put over the kayfabe aspect of the Rumble. Plus, I’ll never get tired of seeing the Warlord’s haircut. It’s like he has Bizarro pigtails. Hey, Ryder fans, that’s your hero in three years...but you know, with discolored skin and catchphrases. Just wait until he runs out of “good” catchphrases. 2014: the year “Bro-licious” enters the wrestling lexicon, as in "that match was bro-licious. Woo woo woo, you know it!"

G - Grade B+. I felt like Raw was on a nice upward climb this week. It definitely got better with age. They’re doing a better job at putting momentum behind their stories and letting them crescendo at the PPVs. Rumble feels very “can’t miss” this year. Well done. Overall, Raw was better than playing football with dog toys, but not as good as ice skating with socks on your kitchen floor. Ah, childhood...and adulthood.

H - Hold on, Eve, Ryder doesn’t care what you think! You don’t think he should go out there? That’s great! Move over, John’s here! Poor Eve, she has no idea. You think Eve looks around Zack’s apartment for signs that Zack might not be into her? Like scanning his iTunes for Lady Gaga (in defense of this, I have some Lady Gaga on my iTunes...and may or may not love Cody Rhdoes. Okay, bad example.) or checking his DVDs for a copy of Showgirls or something?

I – I like how Zack comes out with his ribs clearly taped, you know, in case Kane already doesn’t know what part of his body to beat the heck out of. You might as well draw a target on there, buddy. And, seriously, someone tell me how applying tape to your torso helps? That’s the most ghetto remedy I’ve ever heard. That’s like poking your eyes because you’re near-sighted. Is this the best that the medical community can come up with? They spend years in medical school to tell a guy to put tape on himself? People have been doing that for years with masking tape, and I know they aren’t smart.

J – Jesus, WWE went pretty cheap on the stage, didn’t they? How did the conversation with the contractors go?

WWE: “We’d like you to build us a stage.”

Contractor: “Great! Let’s get started. Now this is going to cost a lot, but the benefits are...”

WWE: “Whoa, whoa...this ‘a lot,’ this refers to money, no?”

Contractor: “Uh, yes.”

WWE: “Ehhh...we don’t want to pay too much of that. What can you build that we can prove in court is safe for our workers but only costs this much?”

Contractor: “That’s a 1988 Kirby Puckett trading card, a beta copy of Sonic 2, and two $2 bills. And I think someone wrote 'boyz drool' on Kirby’s face.”

WWE: “Sounds about right. We got a deal?”

Contractor: “...Here are some terrible pieces of metal that I wouldn’t trust my cat to lay on. We pulled them from a building that was still had lead paint. I think it went down during the great San Francisco Earthquake of 1916. Use them.”

WWE: “Yep...still got the ol’ negotiating ability.”

The giant WWE logo is terribly built, too. It looks like it was built from cardboard and copper they ripped out of houses in-between shows. I’m picturing the sets for the WWE Network shows being primarily made up of furniture from torn-down, one room-schools and burned couches they pilfered in the night from frat houses. By the way, if there’s anything to learn from this, it’s that if Zack Ryder says everything is okay, somebody with a large bald spot and an ugly headband is being chokeslammed.

K – K, we got some things to go over. Look, Eve, when someone lays in the shape of a chalk outline and doesn’t talk or move, he's probably not okay, and asking him repeatedly if he is okay is the dumbest thing possible to do. It doesn’t help either that Eve's acting skills have to be the worst on the roster since Tiffany. How about working on “happy” and “sad” before more “complex” emotions, like “worried.” One step at a time.

L – Love the bump and what it means for Cena’s story, though. The Woo-Woo Kid took it like a champ. After being chokeslammed on any and everything around the office, though, you’d probably get good at it. Yeah, Cena’s mad face was beyond stupid, but his story is still starting to come together nice. The idea that Kane is destroying his best friend and making it look like his fault is fantastic. It’s Super Villain 101: take away everything a hero loves and you’ve taken down the hero. Very reminiscent of a legendary Daredevil story, amongst other things. I didn’t think I’d be saying this a few weeks ago, but I like this story for Cena. It’s just too bad the man behind it all is a giant red cartoon character. I’m still waiting for Kane to bop Cena with a giant A.C.M.E. boxing glove.

M - Man, Jinder Mahal is still here? That’s a disappointment...

N – No, really. The guy has zero charisma, a giant square head (he looks like a mini-fridge), and absurd shoulder muscles that make him look like a mutant. The only highlight from this ugly match was Barrett’s silly shirt. He had at least 17 buttons on it...and they were aqua blue. It was fashion gone wrong to the highest degree. What does he need the buttons for?! Is there a button shortage on the horizon? Should I be investing in buttons? Marble or solid color? Marble or solid color?! Dammit, I need to know! And, what size?! Because my white cardigan takes the big ones and if I lose them, my stomach will be cold! Zippers be damned, the Button-ocalypse is upon us!

O – Oh my. R-Truth was fantastical tonight. He does characters now! I can only hope “Eric Fleisher” comes back. And, before Truth’s antics, Miz had some great mic work. That’s the kind of promo I love seeing before the Rumble. The problem is, how long has Miz been whining about being the best and most must see and blah blah blah? It literally feels like Creative has nothing for him. Miz is beyond lost in the shuffle. Where is he going? Who is he? I feel like we have no grasp at all of the Miz’s character and I have no doubt that in a few weeks, he'll deliver the exact same interview all over again. Miz is like a broken VCR, doomed to repeat his same pseudo-machismo pitch for his relevancy in perpetuity. Damn, that was a good sentence! #SHOWOFF

P – Please, would thou signal thy mother, pray tell, and let her knoweth of thy rhythmic movement and air-light feet on which I glide to the musing of thy harp? That’s how Brodus would sound if he were an old timey guy...just saying. That blew all the goodwill I earned with that closing sentence in the last paragraph, didn’t it? I apologize. My bayyyydddd! Shyeeahhhh!

Q - Quotes.

R-Truth (a/k/, Eric Fleischer): “Hello, I’m Eric Fleischer, from WWE Market Research.” You look like an Eric Fleischer.

Regal: “It’s like a jungle out there, sometimes I wonder how I keep from going under...ha-ha!” A rap fan, are we Mr. Regal?

R - Really? Brodus should be outlawed from wearing that white singlet ever again. Gosh that was disgusting! That man wiggles like a water balloon in race car. Every time I see him, I keep imagining the old, grainy stock footage of a guy getting hit with a cannonball in the stomach. Plus, I think I saw his dinosaur bone...

S - So, Miz vs. Truth wasn’t bad at all. In fact, I’d say they have a lot of charisma in the ring. I wouldn’t have minded if their match was delayed for the Rumble or if the feud continued at all. Well done, guys. No jokes here...just kind words. Don’t worry, I dig into Ryder more next letter if you didn’t already hate me.

T - Totally. King says it can’t be any worse...you know what that means: Ryder is dead, guys. Wait, what? He’s not? His back is broken? That could be much worse, King! What the hell? What if Ryder’s family was listening?! Not cool, King. Not cool. What a douche. I do want to say, though, I like the idea of keeping Zack out for a while. Again, it plays into Cena’s character development and maybe gives you a chance to re-launch Ryder with a better, or at least modified gimmick. Who knows, maybe all these hard blows to the head will make him less stupid? Right? Right?! I hope so. I can’t take this moron Ryder anymore.

U - Uh, okay. I guess Laurinaitis and Punk not wrestling was nice. I mean, it didn’t make me want to toss myself into traffic, so...yay? Everything was nicely rebooted here - Laurinaitis is going to be gone, Punk got his revenge via GTS, and, post-Rumble, WWE will be back to status quo. If all goes as planned, WWE deserves some credit for actually plotting an end to this feud, so, nice work. Also, Ziggles got in at the end! He sort of kinda matters in this one-sided feud now...kinda. Yay!

V - Very excited. I don’t care about the idea that Laurinaitis might be in the Rumble. I don’t care that Foley’s sloppy, smelly hide is included, I don’t care if Orton is probably going to win...I don’t even care that Jericho might win - the Royal Rumble is orgasmic. I have a fever, and the only prescription is more Rumble. It’s my favorite event bar none, and this year will be no different. It’s the only event where six guys have a realistic chance of winning! You know, as opposed to Money in the Bank, where two guys really have a chance.

W - Well, that’s all I got. My beard is killing me. It’s like having a baby koala attached to my face. It itches, too. Like the koala is digging for sweet, sweet leaves to eat. Have I mentioned that I like Koalas?

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Raw when: You think Zack Ryder is being a wimp. Boo-hoo, you have a broken back. If it was your boyfriend John Cena, he’d be back before the end of Raw, hurling the ambulance at Kane and speaking in tongues.

Z – Zero: The number Royal Rumble winners from almost every number but #1. Think about it: the most winners came from 27 with four people. Two people won from #1. That’s only two fewer people. If anything, #1 is pretty lucky! It also means WWE might want to be more careful about what number the winner comes in at. Back up your stats, WWE! How about some more late-20s winners? And, finally (because this column is already way too long), the percentage of Funkasaurus t-shirts I wouldn't own.

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Travis Beaven (c) PWTorch.com]

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