Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 1/27
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Ah, I see. Big Show didn’t know his own strength when he KO'ed A.J. two weeks ago. Makes sense. I’m sure he looked around at all the other kids - or looked down, I suppose - at all the other kids, and thought, “There’s no way I can hurt them. Sure, I’m 10 feet taller than them, but I’m a cuddly puppy!” Good excuse, Show. Very smooth.

B – Bryan, looking like an angry wizard. Nice beard, Gargamel. Cooking some Smurfs later, are we? Is that what Gargamel really wanted to do with the Smurfs when he caught them? Cook them? That’s so messed up. Why is this a children’s show? (Before any super nerds come out of the woodwork, I know that The Smurfs are a German creation and not necessarily for kids. I rather not have my inbox flooded with Smurf emails. Because, if I miss out on some “enhancement” emails, I’m going to flip. And, come on, that's still pretty nasty that he wanted to eat them. Dude, you don't have a grocery store? You don't notice the hundreds of apple trees? Order a pizza!)

C – Come on! This is brilliant. Daniel Bryan as the evil mastermind behind the shattering of Big Show’s fragile emotional armor is a work of genius. This is how you book smaller characters: instead of trying to make them equals with the larger athletes by feats of strength or silly promos, go the other way. Make them smarter, not stronger. There hasn’t been a great “brains over brawn” character in a while. It’s not just Bryan, though, that makes this whole program mesh so well. Big Show sells emotion way better than I ever thought he could. Where was this selling when he was driving monster trucks on the roof in WCW? And, I’d be remissed not to mention Mark Henry’s utterly hilarious, but scary authentic promo work. More than any other character he’s done, I truly believe this is the real Mark Henry. The barbs just ooze out of his salty, sweat-drenched face like...well, salty sweat down his giant face. The best part, though, may be that each character is distinctly different. It’s rare that you have a multi-man match without two or three guys’s characters running over each other. But, when you take a smart, small-in-stature submission wrestler, a large, hulking bruiser with a sharp tongue and miniscule patience, and a goliath with a basketball head and a baseball brain, you get an amazing match...somehow. Yay for apt and sometimes-mean descriptions of people who could hurt me!

D – Dude...I...Mark Henry just completely destroyed A.J. in one sentence. I mean, he completely put my months of shaming to...shame. I really need a Thesaurus Rex. Any who, I feel inadequate. I’ve spent almost a year mocking A.J. for being a broad generalization of '90s culture and an embarrassing approximation of what “hip kids” are into these days, and Henry came along and destroyed her in one swoop. I bow to my new Sensei of Insults, Markus Henry.

E – Eh. I like Justin Gabriel getting another shot at Cody Rhodes. Gabriel is a nice, young athlete with an exciting style that would complement Rhodes very well. Two wins in a row pretty much ends this. It was pretty obvious that this was a hold-over until the Rumble and they did a good job with it. It’s nice to see someone have a good match without it being some larger master story. Rhodes getting two clean wins over an impressive Gabriel was spot-on. Also, nice boot wings, Gabriel. Much less “pansexual rave kid” than the angel wings you originally wore. No, seriously. I’m trying to complement you. I almost bought your new action figure! But, then I saw an Ezekiel Jackson figure and I could resist coloring his hair peninsula in. Sorry.

F - For real. While I love the Be A Star campaign, having David Arquette in the commercial isn’t helping. I mean, I’m not saying David Arquette deserved to be bullied...okay, well I am saying he deserved to be bullied. Actually, I’m not sure what I’m saying at all now. Oh yeah, David Arquette is not someone you want in you anti-bullying ad. Everyone wants to give him a wedgie.

G - Grade B. I thought this was a solid pre-PPV Smackdown that made effective use of the chance to entice and hype matches. This is what Raw should be doing. I mean, yeah all the actual wrestling was pitiful, but I’m super-excited for the Rumble! So...that counts. Kinda. It was better than BBQ potato chips, but not as good as having a blanket with Pikachu on it.

H - Hold on, did WWE actually use a good sports metaphor for one of their Superstars? They did! I’m so happy for them! Comparing McIntyre to S.F. 49ers QB Alex Smith is apt and intelligent. It really frames him in a whole new light. Pro sports to wrestling comparisons don’t have to be forced and unnecessarily topical and I think they showed that here. Some athletes are late bloomers. Some athletes play bad before they play good. So, why can’t wrestlers do that without being buried? He may be losing, but he’s being pushed. Cole just sold him to the entire home audience. Well done.

I – I’m partial to San-toshi as a name for this “dynamic” duo, if anyone is wondering. No? You don’t care? Good. Next letter.

J – Just...I...you...Rosa is not PG. I feel like she should have a giant black bar over her. Like, you shouldn’t even be able to see her, she’ll just a walking black rectangle. She’s puberty incarnate. Any young pre-teen watching Smackdown just got a chin line full of peach fuzz, a bucket of angst, and the need for loose boxer shorts. Oh, and the poncho twins are cool, I guess.

K – K, that was a nice moment. I liked Randy Orton making a return here. The excitement from the crowd was palpable and his feud with Wade Barrett finally became dual-sided. It was a nice reminder that there is another guy in this feud other than the delicious Muppet-haired Brit with Abraham Lincoln’s overcoat. I would’ve preferred maybe if Orton were not able to get his hands on Barrett, but that’s okay. It was still pretty good.

L – Lesson learned. What did we learn tonight, guys? Eh? What did we learn? That’s right: Orton is an omnipotent uber-man who will rip the head off any mid-card wrestler who dare touch his glory. It was like shooting monkey’s into the sun: there was no way they were coming back. Poor Tyler Reks with his hippie dreads looked like a liberal arts student trying to sit up too fast. Mid-card guys beware. Randy Orton is to mid-card background guys what I am to subtle, observational humor.

M – Man, you gotta feel for Hunico. Just imagine his reaction when he heard his character pitched to him from WWE.

WWE: “Hunico! Hey, buddy. Glad you’re here. Look we got a great character for you!”

Hunico: “That’s great news. I’ve really been looking for something to sink my teeth into, you know? Something nuanced and different. Every other American promotion wants me to be some generic, stereotype gangster. But, that’s why I went with you guys. I knew you’d really get a character I could get behind.”

WWE: “Yeeeahhh...um...you know? On second thought, our pitch isn’t ready yet.”

Hunico: “What do you mean? You said you had something great for me. I’m excited guys, come on.”

WWE: “Naaawww, you wouldn’t be into it. It’s...it’s for...someone else.”

Hunico: “Will you guys just tell me? I’m sure I’ll love it.”

WWE: “Ok well...we want you to be a gangster.”

Hunico: “Okay...at least you aren’t pitching I ride a lowrider bike or something...I mean, it's not that bad.”

WWE: “......”

Hunico: “Really?”

N – Nobody pulls off the subtle, mastermind heel like Daniel Bryan. This is a one of a kind performance. I’m blown away. Even the way he manipulates his friends and acquaintances is fantastic. I never want Bryan to be a face again, now. This is a main-event gimmick that can run for a long time.

O – Oh...I see...someone farted. That’s...something...let’s go with that. It’s something.

P – Please call my momma and tell her I want some chicken strips, fruit punch, and oh yeah, FUNK! AWWWWWWWW YEEEAAAH! My baayyyddd! Shhhyyeeaaah! I’m sorry guys, this is just incredible. I can’t think of a time where I ever loved a gimmick this much. It’s so against everything WWE stands for right now. It’s a direct affront to the Reality Era, C.M. Punk’s promos, and everything Stone Cold built through the early 2000s, yet I can’t turn away. Maybe because it’s so drastically different and unabashedly fun that I'm drawn to it? I don’t know, and I don’t understand it, but I want more. I want a t-shirt, headbands, track suits, sneakers, everything. Put that man’s goofy face on a dollar store dinosaur sponge and I’ll purchase it.

Q - Quotes.

Booker (referring to Brodus’s dinosaur-esque dance move): “Der go dat Pterodactyl!” I love that Booker knows specific dinosaurs, but not common, everyday knowledge. He’s like Matt Damon’s character from “Good Will Hunting.” Someone give this guy a chalkboard! How do you like them apples?!

Aksana: “Something something sexual innuendo something something.” She’s like a walking Andrew Dice Clay joke.

R - Really dislike Aksana’s entrance theme. Seriously. During her entire entrance, I had to mute the TV to make sure everyone in my house wouldn’t think I was watching an adult movie. Appreciate it, WWE. Now my mom thinks I’m watching adult films when I tell her it’s wrestling time. This won’t be awkward next time she walks in on a close-up of Randy Orton. Again, thanks WWE. I do want to give Aksana credit, though, for doing her research. It takes a keen mind for scholastics to realize every Divas’s weakness: the school-boy roll-up. Good scouting!

S - Seriously, who edited this show? They returned from commercial with the main event match over? What is that? The much-hyped main-event lasted about one minute of actual TV time! Do you know all the things I could’ve procrastinated by wasting my time with this match? Well, I don’t, because I don’t feel like thinking about that now. I can do it later.

T - Topping it off. Show’s post-match attack on Bryan was just enough to solidify his heel status and give this feud the flame it needed for any fans on the fence. I question the logic of Bryan being so obvious with the steel chair when he’s been so intelligent and incognito in the past about his attacks, but that’s okay, because this is a really long sentence. Seriously, that was absurd. My second grade teacher would throw the class hamster at me if she read that. I’m sorry, Ms. McGuire (she was an old maid, hence the “Ms.”). I hope she actually reads this, by the way, because that would be hilarious. Hey, if you don’t remember me, Ms. McGuire, I was the kid who wet his pants during reading time once. Hey, don’t judge me, guys, that was a good Arthur book and I was not waiting to hear the exciting conclusion. Don’t look at me like that - this is a judgment-free zone. And, damned if that story wasn’t amazing. Plus, we read the Bernstein Bears that day too. So...I did what I had to do.

U - Uh, let’s all forget about that last sentence now and move on to this. Hey, look at this! It’s a paragraph not about me being a loser! Let’s pay attention to it! Yay!

V - Very cool. I’ll say it again: I freaking love the Royal Rumble. I can’t believe it’s so close. I already went grocery shopping for snacks. I’m in for the long run. I expect to be a mess of Doritos cheese stains, strawberry milk, and Hawaiian Punch when it’s over. And, while I’d like Cody, Dolph, Brodus, or someone interesting to win, I’ll reiterate that Randy Orton will in fact win. You seen how he treats mid-card guys tonight. Well, the Royal Rumble is 90 percent mid-card guys. Game over man, game over.

W - Was this a short column or are the other ones just really long? Is this about wrestling? Am I just filling space until the next letter? Shut up.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: Everything starts to become a blur and you think Big Show is one of the trees from Kirby.

Z – Zero: The number of countdowns I won’t loudly count down on Rumble night (and remember, you have to do the buzzer sound too. It’s not “Three! Two! One!” it’s “Three! Two! One! Ennhhhhhhh!”) The number of times I’ll tell my friends that I got up and danced during Brodus’s entrance. And, finally, the number of bunny rabbits I will not squeal at like an un-oiled door. I love bun buns.

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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