Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 2/13
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Aww. How many guys working backstage got super excited when Kane said someone was going to ride in an ambulance tonight? I feel so bad for them. I mean, ambulances are awesome. Not only do they get to ride things backwards, but they get cool flashy lights and make noises! As a child who enjoyed a dump truck or two (mostly two. I don’t think any regular reader of this column would be surprised to learn that I enjoyed dolls), I’d be very excited. Poor backstage guys, they’re going to be bummed when Ryder is hurled into the back.

B – Boo. Really? A debate? This is the kind of thing that gets wrestling mocked on terrible local news “morning shows.” You know, the one where they sit around a couch drinking coffee and read cue cards about how they aren’t reading cue cards and just “hanging out” with you? Yep. I can see it now:

Anchor 1: “As you know, this is the time of year for political debate and intrigue. As the candidates for president circle the drain toward the most powerful position in America, another group of men also debate for their careers. And, of course, what could I be talking about but wrestling.

Anchor 2: “Oh boy, that’s right. Last night, World Wrestling Entertainment held a ‘Chamber of Elimination’ debate on Raw is War. And, boy, was it wacky! As you can expect, the debate ended when King Kofi executed his finishing maneuver on Miz. Too bad Mitt Romney can’t pull out his devastating final move on Newt, huh?”

Anchor 1: “Hah, too bad...well, I don’t know too much about these guys, but, man, did I love Hulk Hogan. You remember him?”

Anchor 2: “Oh, don’t get me started. Remember when he fought that big guy from ‘The Princess Bride?’”

Anchor 1: “Ol’ Andre was his name. Yep. Now that was back when wrestling was real.”

Anchor 2: “Oh yeah, good stuff. I saw they had Chris Jericho there, now wasn’t he on ‘Dancing With The Stars?’”

Anchor 1: “I wouldn’t know: the wife won’t let me have the remote!”

Anchor 2: “That’s why you should divorce her.”

Anchor 1: “I’m working on it! Don’t start this again!”

Anchor 2: “What about our dreams, huh? What about Thailand?! And the ring you promised?”

Anchor 1: “Oh God...this is not the place, Thomas!”

Anchor 2: “Then when is the place, huh, Reggie? Because I’m not a puppet! You can’t string me along forever!”

And that concludes the awkward dark humor of our presentation. I mean, wow...that got out of hand quick, didn’t it? Um...next letter.

C – Come on. Seriously guys, this was brutal. As usual, a promising start for Punk was quickly derailed by terrible humor. I thought the John Laurinaitis feud was behind us? Ugh. It’s a good thing he was so original with his jokes. (Laurinaitis begs and kisses up to his bosses? Why I never!) Punk needs some character motivation, and quickly. If it weren't for Dolph’s furry Russian model vest and R-Truth’s belief that not only was this for an elected position, but that Jerry Lawler was in some honorable office, this would have been a trainwreck. Oh wait, it still was, because the usually reliable Miz crashed like the ugly girl on roller skates at a retro restaurant. Look at you, Miz, you got Fonzie Fries and VietHAM sandwiches are all over you. Go clean up and bring some free Marilyn Monroe’s Sense of Self-Worth mini corndogs to these nice people. Yeah I know, it’s not as catchy as Buzz Alderan Cola, but we’re working on it.

D – Does anybody else imagine Vince McMahon rolling on the floor having oxygen-less fits of laughter during this? If I were a better writer, I’d try to force in some comparisons between each wrestler and a respected Republican candidate, but instead I’m going to make funs of the lecterns (not podiums). How silly was the little name card tackily glued to each one? I couldn’t tell if WWE was informing me of the PPV name or telling me where to drop off my burnt couch. I half expected them to write it on with a silver Sharpie, so we’re ahead of schedule. I liked the red carpet by the way, I’m guessing those are pretty cheap post-Grammys. I wouldn’t be surprised if Vince started ripping them off the floor as soon as the show ended on Sunday. They didn’t even get time to vacuum Chris Brown’s un-entitled ego off the carpet. I give them credit for somehow actually acquiring lecterns, but any of that is mitigated by the fact that I’m pretty sure they are painted Styrofoam and the fact that Chris Jericho was wearing that Disco Superhero jacket again. He’s like Barry Gibb with Gamma Radiation (especially in the hair department).

E – Ew. Why does Kofi insist on pulling his trunks up so high? Is he foreshadowing Shawn Michaels’s gravity defying denim? (I need to trademark that...) In terms of his match with Jericho, though, I was blown away. That was so damn good. I also like that Jericho is practicing what he preaches. He put over Kofi 200 percent. The majority of the match featured offense for the young, glass-ceiling-challenged Superstar. I’m so impressed with Chris’s willingness to help young athletes. Not only that, though, his match with Kofi was pretty exciting. The pace was electric and it felt like it never slowed down. Well done!

F - For real. GO HOME, ZACK RYDER! How dumb can he be? Wait, don’t answer that. Not only do you have a wheelchair this time around, you have a neck/backbrace, too! And, you are on Raw after Kane threatened someone (i.e. you) with bodily harm! Run! His idiocy almost defies logic. If you want to give Eve something for Valentine’s Day (or as my friend and I call it: Non-denominational, non-romantic, gift giving, parenthesis, unless you want the gift to be romantic, then it can be, but it doesn’t have to be, parenthesis, day. Yes, you have to say the parenthesis part, like A Tribe Called Quest), then call her up Tuesday (a/k/a the actual holiday) and meet her at Arby's or something to exchange gifts! Arby's: the anytime place for anytime fun! By the way, I’m going to keep mentioning Arby's until they give me free stuff, so bear with me for the next four years.

G - Grade A. Wow. Just wow. After a hilariously bad beginning, Raw freaking delivered! And, before a PPV, no less! It had everything: A touching love gone wrong, a great “Killing Joke” esque character study, fabulous wrestling matches from main-eventers, and R-Truth being wacky. Wowee. It was better than bagels, but not as good as Paris with Cody Rhodes. We’ll always have the Eiffel Tower, Cody.

H - Huh. No matter how many times I see it, I’ll never get over the fact that Bryan Danielson is the World Heavyweight Champion. That’s not a bad thing. It’s just incredible. I keep thinking back to his debut on NXT, his background on the independents, and that fact that he was actually fired for a length of time from WWE! Everything. It’s one of the most impressive journeys in pro wrestling history. I’m almost shocked that WWE has embrace him so much. He really breaks the mold for the kind of guys WWE puts their weight behind. Sorry, this is just amazing to me.

I – I’m pleasantly surprised by how good Big Show and Randy Orton’s match was. Usually when I hear either of their names, I think of fluffy pillows, buying trading cards naked (it’s a recurring dream. Shut up.), and how Randy Orton sort of looks like the before picture of Big Show in a muscle gain commercial. These guys really put on a show, though. Orton is surprisingly able to pull some excitement from even the most clichéd Show spots and Show is a nice foil to Orton’s anemic offense (though I’ll concede it’s getting much better). I liked how they re-worked the botched RKO spot, by the way. Kudos, gentlemen.

J – Just wanted to note that I finally saw a sign in the crowd that didn’t suck. It read “Funkasaurus Ate My Family.” Heh...you sir, are a saint.

K – KBH. That’s HBK backwards, which is shorthand for “K words are really tough, so I’m going to force this one in.” Anywho, it’s nice to see Shawn Michaels again. Yeah, I make fun of his pants being pulled up and his fur rug of a chest, but I love the guy. Michaels is easily in my Top 5 all-time. He did a really nice job tonight, too. He played a great straight man/sounding board for Triple H. After last week’s subtlety, it’s nice to use Shawn as an avatar for the fans to explain Triple H’s motivations. By the way, I love Shawn Michaels’s hats. Where does he get them? They’re half kindly farmer, half cowboy. Why not pick one or the other? I feel like Shawn gathered quite a collection of these at tourist traps during his years on the road - he just removed the little mini flags from the brim, which is better than getting your hat air-brushed by a skinny guy named Fatty on the pier like James Storm does. Here’s a tip: never trust someone nicknamed the opposite of what they look like. A nice guy named Killer? Run. A fat guy named Tiny? He has a necklace of teeth somewhere. A weird girl nicknamed Smiley? She’ll put you in her freezer.

L – Loved the end of the HBK/Triple H promo. Saying HBK lives vicariously through him was fantastic character work. The entire bit about them being the last of a generation was spot on, too. I know, I can’t believe I’m complimenting Triple H either. The only part I don’t like is that we all know how it’s going to end. Triple H is going to face Undertaker at WrestleMania. They haven’t even floated an alternative. We know how the arc is going to be laid out, and while it could be a fun ride, I wish they’d hurry it up. It’s way too obvious. They’re going to have to pull out some more great exchanges like this one if they plan on keeping this interesting for a couple more months.

M – Meh. Fun little innocuous match from Truth and Ziggler. Ziggler is the perfect heel for R-Truth’s insanity. Ziggler comes off as so detached and above it all that he borders on face, but someone as over and insane as Truth that constantly draws praise from older and younger fans is exactly what Ziggler needs to get more heel heat across the board. Put these two together long-term! Or not. I’m not that pushy. I let EVERYONE cut me in the lunch line in fifth grade. So, you know...if you want a chocolate milk, go ahead. I realize this isn’t helping my manliness either.

N – Nope. No more Rock videos, please. Be merciful! By the way, aren’t these 1,000 times funnier now because "Journey 2" has been declared absolute garbage by critics? Way to hype WrestleMania by being in a movie so bad that even Brendan Fraser turned it down. And, you wonder why he's coming back. Also, to the guy that compared "Journey 2" to "Indiana Jones" - trolls everywhere bow down to you. You are truly thief amongst thieves my friend.

O – Oh, don’t worry, that’s just Eve randomly screaming in the back. She does that a lot. Wait...I don’t hear any grunts. She’s in trouble! How awesome was it that it took Eve 15 minutes to unlock the door? You know what, these two silly, useless kids are made for each other. Ryder and Eve are two peas in a...dude! What the hell?! You just made out with her?! Wow...

P – Programming Alert: The Charles Cress Kennel Club Stuffed Animal Show presented by A Stack Of Old GQ Magazines On My Floor continues live tonight after my mom goes to work and my dad goes back to sleep so no one will bust in and make fun of me.

Q - Quotes.

R-Truth: “If I get elected...”

R-Truth: “Thank you, your honor...”

R-Truth: “Don’t ‘what!’ me! ...Ok, ‘what!’ me.”

R-Truth: “Now back to the box of spiders...”

R-Truth: “My running mate, Little Jimmy...”

R-Truth: “God bless Little Jimmy...”

R-Truth: “I will not be talked down to by a guy named after Flipper!”

R-Truth: “(Unintelligible dolphin sounds)”

He’s like the Ron Paul of the Elimination Chamber debate.

R - Really like this. I’m not even joking. The Cena-Eve-Ryder angle is fantastic. Yeah, the dramatic kiss was brought on by saving Eve from a slow-moving, unlocked ambulance, but it’s more than Ryder did. It’s not like he suffered crippling injuries trying to change a tire to save her or from defending her honor in a match. Oh wait, he did. WWE is portraying Eve as sort of a bitch and I love it. And, it doesn’t help that she’s dressed like a Spanish waitress, but, whatever. This has serious potential. I mean, Eve might sort of be getting a character! I’m in. All in. I want to see where this is going.

S - So...if this causes Ryder to turn heel and become more serious, I’ll kiss Ryder. All over his orange, stupid face. Mom, look away. This is going to get sloppy. And if you’re reading this mom, stop. And, where is my mini pizza?! I asked for that hours ago! You’re lucky I don’t have an ambulance...

T - Totally off. Was Miz bad tonight or what? His selling in the C.M. Punk match was brutal. Coupled with his trainwreck of a promo earlier and I’d say we are watching a meltdown right now. Not even a gallon of ironically named hair gel could get him out of this funk. We might be watching the beginning of the end for Miz’s main-event run.

U - Uh...yep. Looks like my last letter was absolutely correct. Clean finishes aren’t a good sign. It was a nice run, Miz, but you need some work. As for the match, this was a nice, final match. And, the ambulance is back! How long was Kane driving around yelling out threats before he looked back and saw Eve wasn’t there? I would have loved to been in the passenger seat for that. He’s super mad now, guys. Do you know how hard it is to back in an ambulance?! Someone is going down!

V - Very weird. I get it. I get Cena’s character. He’s himself and nothing else. A man comfortable with the niche he’s carved and immune it criticism. That’s great. But, doesn’t it kind of make Cena weak for doing nothing about it? Does Cena have some weird fetish for being mocked and hated-on constantly. Everyone calls him names and beats him and up and they guy loves it! Either he’s a wuss or having a lot more fun than we know...

W - Wow, brown dress shoes with that ensemble, Zackery? I thought you knew better, bro. Oh, and what the heck, Cena? Taking off your shirt and threatening a guy in robotic battle armor/corrective prosthetics? Dude...not cool. Guys, the honeymoon is over. After Zack caught John cheating on him with Eve, it was all downhill. Not even a last second t-shirt strip to remind Zack what he would be missing out on didn’t work. It’s always painful when stuff like this doesn’t work out. By the way, this is going to sound terrible, but did anyone else laugh as Zack sailed off the stage? Come on, it was pretty funny. The slow-mo shot of it might be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Raw when: You forgot what Zack Ryder looked like before he had his robotic armor...or brace. Whatever you call it.

Z – Zero: The number of high-fives Miz received when he went backstage. That promo was so freaking awful. The number of sweaters that can ever compare to David Otunga’s spiffy number tonight. And, finally, the percentage of people who thought WWE was smart enough to use Undertaker’s short hair for a story. I’m...impressed!

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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