Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 2/17
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Ah, intrigue! So, Randy “Is that skin or a t-shirt?” Orton is out of the Chamber? This is certainly an interesting little twist (albeit, one that wasn’t planned. But, hey, like a wise man once said: when life gives you parenthesis, make jokes that have no relation to the main narrative. Oh, and something, something lemons and fruit cups. I don’t know.). I think WWE’s writers are best when they have to think on the fly, which is really the worst compliment ever. “You guys are great when you don’t use the things you meticulously planned for months!” It’s true, though, and should either make Smackdown interesting or really predictable.

B – Big man team. Ugh, Khali and Big Show? I feel like it’s freshman year football tryouts all over again. Just giant smelly guys and awkward people with amorphous shapes. I mean, Khali’s shadow looks like an apple core on a hot air balloon. His silhouette resembles a used Toyota with a missing bumper and a baby seat strapped to the roof. Seriously, has any human ever looked weirder than Khali? His nipples might be the freakiest part. They’re like the eyes in a Scooby Doo painting. I keep ducking behind pillows to escape their judgmental prying. If you painted a mouth on his stomach it’d look like Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temples.

C – Come on! It doesn’t get better than Big Show smashing stuff. Nothing is more American than giant guys smashing expensive things. Not even Uncle Sam spinning down an American Flag pole to the Nation Anthem as remixed by The Ying Yang Twins is more American than that. I just wish they left the cameras on a little longer so we could have seen the jobbers run in and strip all the copper wiring and pawnable material left in the room. Scavengers, I tell ya! They’re like Jawas!

D – Dud. Hunico is terrible at playing his character. I’m pretty sure he was wearing a slap bracelet on the way down to the ring. That’s not gangsta, Hunico! And, those pants? Pretty nice pleats, there, buddy. Did they come with a messenger bag and a tie with ice cream cones on them? I’m sorry, Hunico is all hood, clearly. His 401k is the streets! ...Literally. He owns lots of property in middle class neighborhoods. Real estate may be hurting, but if you have a strategy, you have a chance. You know, the key is dealing with cheaper properties. You gotta buy the smaller homes. Not the same profit margin, but it’s the tortoise and the hair piece, right? I’m sure Hunico would agree that luxuries are a no-no in this economy. Why am I telling you this? You guys can hear all this at Hunico’s next small business seminar: Modern Money Management and Capitalizing on Minimum Returns...Yo!

E – Enjoyable. I can’t understand for the life of me why The Usos and the Colons aren’t in a serious angle. I mean, again, The Usos lose clean. Who are they waiting for to challenge the Colons?! There are no more tag teams at college parties! I’m not fantasy booking or whining, I’m just honestly curious. What, is WWE waiting for some NXT guys to team up? Hawkins and Reks? My new new body pillow and I (we’re taking it slow, but I don’t think it’s too early to say that this is love) are a better tag team.

F - For real, though, the Usos-Colon match was very nice. Fun, energetic spots, good face work, and excellent heels that are entertaining enough not to bore me to death. I can do this. I can get behind this. What’s that? No, I don’t have any jokes about this. I guess I can say something about Chubby Uso being chubby, but that would be immature. ...Heh, Chubby Uso...You guys are lucky, by the way. The original draft of this (which I wrote while falling in and out of sleep) featured a long rambling bit about how the Usos should work at Jurassic Park and ride dinosaurs. So, you know, whenever you think about how bad this column is, just remember that you could be reading insane prehistoric wrestling fantasies.

G - Grade C. Smackdown did what Smackdown always does before a PPV: it sucked. Too boring, too average, and not enough men in welder’s masks putting girls in ambulances with no locks that somehow still keeps them inside. Not every show can be Raw, though. Smackdown was better than eating ham while watching "Babe 2: Pig In The City," but not as good as asking the kind employee at the shoe emporium if they make those shoes with the little wheels in a Men’s 12. Hint: either they don’t, or it’s company-wide policy to laugh and walk away while yelling that you got a great story for Terry.

H - Huh. Daniel Bryan’s promo was just okay. I didn’t feel the same genius level subtlety here. It felt much more traditional heel. I get that he was especially bold this week because Big Show and Orton were gone, but this was sort of lame. A lot of yelling and hand movements (which I understand can be very entertaining for babies), but no substance. Maybe this is just the evolution of Bryan as a heel - Bryan finally becoming your basic, scared bad guy, but I have higher hopes for his character. It’s been great until now. I still have hope for you yet, padawan.

I – I honestly don’t remember the Sheamus-Bryan match, mostly because I was fighting off sleep and trying to eat pizza at the same time. I can’t even write unhindered, let alone be funny. I definitely remember lots of piped-in cheering, though, and Bryan selling like he was hawking boxes of chocolates for his school and really wanted to kazoo and boombox. (I never got the boombox! I think the best I did was “the prize basket,” which were party favors the teacher kept in the desk. They didn’t even send my results in. I do remember getting a kick ass marble though! Eh, whatever, I ate most of the bars, anyway.) I thought babyfaces were supposed to sell? What I do remember of this match had me indifferent, though. They worked pretty well last time so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt here.

J – Just sayin’. This is not good. I’m pretty sure Zeke is losing inches of hair at a time. At this rate, by WrestleManiam Zeke will look like an inflatable George Costanza with 3rd degree burns. And, have you seen Jinder lately? He looks like a giant Justin Gabriel in the worst way possible. It’s like the witch from Power Rangers made Gabriel huge so he could fight the Dragonzord. It’s fine, though, Jinder. Just get ready for some awkward glances at the club.

K – K, so now she’s Tamina Snuka. That’s convenient. So how many matches does McGillicutty have to win before he can have his name back? I never understood this one name thing for the Divas anyway. Does the graphics department charge them by the letter? That’s the only way to explain someone simply named Eve. That’s not a name, that’s what’s left on your Scrabble rack after you spell “cake.” When she gets married, her husband will take her name. “I now pronounce you Eve and Eve. You may save money on invitations now...and kiss the bride.”

L – Love Natalya’s gas gimmick. Heh, see ‘cause it’s funny that she did it again and the ref smelled it! And, he was all like “what is that? That’s smelly!” and then - and then...I’m sorry, I can’t finish this. I’m laughing too hard. She makes stinky! Haha! It’s times like this when I feel any attempt to compare wrestling to some higher art form is sadly misguided.

M – Move over Jeremy Lin...and Barack Obama, Conan O’Brian, John Kennedy, John Adams, John Quincy Adams, FDR, Theodore Roosevelt, George W. Bush, and a host of laureates and Supreme Court Justices, David Otunga is on the scene! Mostly Jeremy Lin, though, as no one seems to know about those other guys. WWE is wise to push his Harvard connections at a time when everyone is talking about that Northeast school because of Jeremy Lin. Smart thinking, guys. Don’t jump on the bandwagon too much, though, as I have a feeling this “Harvard” thing is going to die down soon. What’s a Harvard anyway?

N – Nope. I tried and failed to not laugh at the replay of the Cena-Kane-Ryder-Eve saga. Zack’s “I think someone just stole my red solo cup” face was priceless. This might be not only the most unintentionally funny story ever, but it’s also the one I’m most excited to see the conclusion of. Will Cena turn heel? 99 percent no. But, he could. And, I’m even more excited to see what they’re going to do with Ryder’s character from here. If they turn him heel it’d be a brilliant, months-long slow turn that actually justifies his terrible existence. If they don’t, then everything is back to normalski and this becomes the next story that Cena makes fun of while winking ever so cutely at the home audience during a main event promo. (The following should be read in an exaggerated preacher voice, so you can capture the nuance of Cena’s delivery): “Remember that time Eve kissed me and Zack Ryder went crazy? Me losing this match is almost as silly as that! ...Almost!” Don’t worry, Ryder will be there, too. Hearing Cena preach sure does build up an appetite for cotton candy, and who’s going to sellski that better than Zack Ryder? It’s okay, Cena loves seeing Ryder in his little striped concession outfit. They’ve had to replace more of them than they can count, which is any number higher than eight.

O – Oh my. The sad piano music during the Raw Rebound was freaking amazing. I honestly can’t tell if this is the best or stupidest storyline in the history of wrestling. I love how they added the piano music thinking that it was all they needed to push this masterpiece over the edge. “Look, I know they aren’t buying Kane trying to send Zack Ryder to hell via fire from a wrestling ring and Eve kissing Cena after she was rescued from not knowing how simple machines work, but this sad piano music will bring it all together. Rub a few ivories together and you got magic! This, this will get us nominated for an Emmy for sure. We’re going to launch it as an off-Broadway musical on Broadway Street in Iowa.”

P – Perhaps the best battle royal ever? I want to know what the qualifications for being in this battle royal were. Do you have to have no less than five weeks experience on NXT? Do you have to be able to walk through a crowd of WWE fans without being recognized? Is entry only open to wrestlers who have had a minimum of two different names? Even if I didn’t know who won (thanks, Twitter. We comin’ for you, Tweetas!) I couldn’t think of one person that I’d be happy with winning this. It’s like picking between gas station microwave cheeseburgers that are neither cheese nor burgers or getting McDonalds breakfast at 10:29 a.m. Either way, you’re getting food poisoning and something to complain about on Facebook.

Q - Quotes.

R - Really love the idea that this is the main event. A show that boasts some of WWE’s best wrestlers, including, but not limited to Daniel Bryan, Wade Barrett, Sheamus, and Cody Rhodes, and the main is a battle royal featuring Curt Hawkins and Percy Watson? Congratulations, Tyler Reks, this is the first of many disappointing TV matches you’ll have.

S - Seriously, though, some of these guys actually stepped up pretty nicely. Darren Young (the guy with your neighbor’s chest hair transplanted on his head) and DiBiase had a nice spot hanging off the ropes and I’d be insane not to mention the fun little bit Gabriel had with Primo (or is that Epico? It’s not racist. I just don’t care). They tried their hardest, but with a Final Four of Widow’s Peak Zeke, Otunga’s Travel Mug’s Holder, the guy with a snake puppet on his hand, and Drew McIntyre, everyone loses. It’s like when the Avengers are fighting and the only guys left standing are Spider Women, a drunk Hercules, and whatever Hank Pym is calling himself at the time. You just know it’s going to be an awful issue.

T - To confirm what just happened, the guy who I derisively mocked for wearing a snake puppet on his hand is now in the Elimination Chamber. ...I don’t even know how to make fun of this. What else can I say other than the funny guy won? There’s no way to outwardly riff on this beyond the obvious. It’s un-mockable. It’s ridiculous of course, but un-mockable. What can I say that WWE already hasn’t about a faux Italian guy with a propensity for messing up names and an obsession with hand puppets? It’s like they’re trying to put me out of the job. Had Curt Hawkins won I could’ve riffed for days. Had Percy Watson won I had like three Harry Potter jokes lined up. But, Santino? I don’t know! I hope they have pizza and race cars ready for him?!

U - Ugh, this Chamber has been badly hyped, hasn’t it? It’s basically Jericho vs. The Other Guys on Raw and Watch Daniel Bryan David Blaine his way out of this one. They should replace the Chamber with an escape exhibition. I’m thinking Bryan submerged in 2,000 pounds of tomato sauce with only a scuba mask full of Tic-Tacs and a pencil to play tic-tac-toe while a bomb attached to his toe plays the theme from "Sister, Sister." (This sentence brought to you by: Random Word Association! Random Word Association: We’re an actual association, not a phrase.) By the way, why isn't WWE filling the Chambers with stuff anyway? How much more awesome would this match be if every time a Chamber pod opened, out came a tidal wave with a Rey Mysterio life-sized cut-out hanging ten? Or, when the Chamber opened, 1,000 scorpions tumbled out in the shape of Kofi Kingston?

V - Viridian City. That’s a city in Pokemon.

W - Well, that about does it for this masterpiece. It took three days, two naps, and four different versions of the Santino paragraph to write this...and all I got was this t-shirt. Not bad, actually. Cotton. Not 100 percent, though, just, just can’t do that. And, see, I don’t hate 100 percent percent cotton, it has its place, just not in my closet. Why would anyone like something that will only fit them well once? Call me crazy! ...But, really, it’s all about the blends, you know? That’s...that’s where it’s at. Spandex...polyester... Cold water, by the way. That’s what you should be washing your shirts in if you don’t want to mess them up. Little tip I learned...lit-tle tipppp...

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: You need sunglasses. Oh my god, Lillian's dress is melting my eyes. She looks like a bicycle reflector.

Z – Zero: The number of Chambers that won’t break. The percentage of fans that will start wearing “Who Farted?” shirts to Smackdown (I hope). And, finally, the number of Chambers I’ll be watching on Sunday. This of course has no relationship to the crackdown on illegal streams of pay-per-view entertainment...

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