Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 2/21
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – A.J. should be illegal. I can’t tell if she’s trying to look like jailbait on purpose or that’s just how she always looks. I’m pretty sure there’s a prison break room going crazy right now. Or, maybe it’s because she has the bust of the Berlin Wall, post destruction. At least she’s not saying radical things about being totally rad anymore, though.

B – Bryan and Miz’s exchange was awesome! I love when character’s allegiances shift based on current developments. Miz basically being Bryan’s lackey was so pitch perfect. It makes a lot of sense and actually gives Miz something to do. I like Bryan on the mic, but Miz can be a great mouthpiece for him. Plus, a tag team of Bryan’s technical prowess and Miz’s rough and tough style would be really fun. I’m on board. All the way.

C – Could be better, but it was decent. Sheamus vs. Miz was okay. Miz sold well, as usual, and he killed it with the facial expressions. Sheamus did his usual poltergeist King Kong routine and it came together nicely. It didn’t make my night or anything, but it did its job well. And, it’s always nice to see Sheamus’s facial hair, which is either the longest handle bar mustache ever or the worst set of mutton chops on the planet.

D – Dude, nice. I love Laurinaitis and Teddy’s suits. You know they had to pre-coordinate those! Come on, one of them arrives in a chocolate brown with checks all over, looking like an unwrapped Hershey bar and the other comes in wearing caramel brown? It’s like the oldest, most awkward Rollo ever. Freaking awesome.

E – Eh, not bad. I love seeing Swagger and Ziggler together. It’s so cute how Swagger mimics Ziggler like he’s his little brother or something. I could totally see Swagger running behind him, mittens swinging back and forth on a small plastic chain attached to his coat sleeve, stopping to try and re-Velcro his light-up sneakers, yelling for him to slow down...ahhh. Adorable. They really should tag together more often. And, Vickie looks like she could be their mom...so...

F - Fact: Smackdown is airing live in over 30 countries including England, Iraq, Canada, Saudi Arabia, Northern Ireland, Afghanistan, and Italy. What they didn’t tell you: I have to know how they settle on that specific list of countries. First, doesn’t Canada seem like the strangest one on the list? “We air in the exotic lands of Canada!” I can drive to Canada from Detroit in like 20 minutes. We share a giant border! Why wouldn’t Smackdown air there?! I like how they have a nice offering of Middle Eastern countries, but are careful not to put them next to each other, you know, because that would make WWE terrorists or something. England and Northern Ireland are standard WWE graphic fare and, Italy, while random, sounds nice in graphics. Ooo, Cody and I could visit Italy! Fresh bread...cool scooters...the sun setting on the water...the rest of this gets pretty PG-13, so I’m going to stop here.

G - Grade B. Nothing wrong with Smackdown. It was fun, didn’t annoy me, and more importantly, didn’t have wrestlers ten years past their primes carrying on like idiots. So...good stuff! It was better than sleeping in a Power Rangers sleeping bag (I had one! Whoo!), but not as good as using parenthesis a lot. They’re so much fun. It’s like whispering to God.

H - Hope. I saw the tag match between Ziggler/Swagger and Kofi/Truth as a nice sign of hope for the tag team division. It’s rare WWE has a tag match on any show that features not one, but two recurring teams that didn’t wrestle each other for the belts last week and aren’t brothers, cousins, or whatever the Colons are. (Probably clones. Yeah, clones, definitely. Think about it: if you re-arrange the letters in “Colons” you get “Clonos,” which is probably foreign speak for “Clones.” Or not. I failed Spanish in ninth grade. As soon as I learned what “stupid” was, I had absorbed all the knowledge I needed. I spent the rest of the semester throwing pencils into the ceiling and freestyle rapping. I’ll let you guess which one I was better at...) Seriously though, maybe, just maybe the tag-team division is back. I like this sign.

I – I don’t even know what to say about the Santino bits anymore. What do you want me to say?! It’s silly. I sort of chuckled. Mostly, I just wondered what exactly his Cobra was spitting onto Heath Slater. Look, I’m never one to be mad that something is being shot on Heath Slater’s face (...keep going...), but you have to wonder what kind of disgusting fluid was in that snake (...keep going...), it looked pretty nasty. And, Heath got sprayed not once, but twice and fell to his...(...keep going...) shut up, parenthesis. I’ll..I’ll leave it here. Are you proud, WWE? This is what I think about now. I blame the Attitude Era for raising me. Also, who left all the red Solo cups lying around like that? It looked like Zack Ryder’s birthday party. (No one came...I’m going to resist the obvious joke there, by the way. I’m mature enough to leave it on the table.)

J – Just wondering, anybody hear some news about Chris Brown? Love that song "With You." What's he been up to lately? He’s been pretty quiet. Probably keeping to himself. Definitely. I bet he's chillin' with his bros somewhere. He's always so relaxed.

K – Khali is like a booger come to life. The treadmill room at Weight Watchers has more defined shapes than Khali. He has like Superman arms, a sagging stomach, Tostino Pizza size nipples, and breasts like Jennifer Aniston. And, what about those veins?! Creepiest veins ever. They look like lightning bolt tattoos. I’m pretty sure Lord Voldemort is going to try to kill his left shoulder. What’s that? ...No, I love Khali. Great guy. Grrreeaaattt guy...yep.

L – Love how forgetful Teddy Long is. Either Teddy just forgot to fire Drew McIntyre or he’s the most forgiving man on the planet. I thought he was going to get canned like four matches ago? I love imagining Drew going into Teddy’s office and having the same conversation everyday about him needing to win or he’s fired. It’s like 50 First Dates, but with much prettier girl hair and a chance to imagine Adam Sandler doesn’t exist.

M – Man, Big Show needs to be quiet. He’s going to hurt Cody? Cody Rhodes?! Oh, we are going to fight, Big Show. I need him! We haven’t even been to Paris yet, let alone to my high school reunion so I can be mean to everyone that remembers me! I won’t let you rob me of wearing a beret and slowly eating a long piece of bread while a mime tells Cody and I his hilarious tales of whimsy. Did I mention that I like mimes? No? That’s because I don’t. Cody will also beat the mine up for my amusement.

N – Nothing is better. Speaking of Cody, I loved his run in! He has his own graphic! Yes! Everything about that was awesome. I mean, I’m pretty disappointed that he won’t be doing a feud with his half-brother, Goldust, but I can do this. Show is a very over face, and having Cody against him is only going to raise his stock more. Fact is, feuding with Big Show is going to launch Cody into the main event scene. This is perfect. Even better if it’s for the belt. Cody retaining against Big Show at Mania would do wonders for him. I’m excited to see my grammar rich beau spout wanton words of wisdom to the bald goliath (that string of words do anything for you, Cody? Huh? Yeah?) over the next couple of weeks.

O – Oh my. Kind of weird how they’re booking Henry, huh? He gets squashed by Sheamus and then beats up Show pretty good, almost getting the win. So...either Sheamus is part mutant (this would be a great X-Men character. The Irish Ghost! He can materialize through walls and stuff...and he speaks with a charming Irish inflection in each word balloon, sort of like a less annoying Gambit), or Big Show is weak. I’m...so very confused.

P – Pretty interesting. Otunga and Zeke kind of look alike don’t they? I mean, besides the three foot difference in hairline, Otunga’s glaring lack of two extra heads on either shoulder (at least, I hope those are heads on Zeke. Talk about mutant...), and a Travel Mug that has taken the world by storm, they are sort of similar, powerful oafs. Terrible match, by the way. The only highlights were Otunga's sick spinebuster and his glorious post-match pose.

Q - Quotes. I don’t remember any. Pretend I put some funny “quip” here that C.M. Punk said.

R - Really nice little promo there for Punk. It’s remarkable how calm and loose he is. It’s apparent he didn’t plan that ahead of time and it showed. That’s a good thing, though. I know I give Punk a hard time for the cheesy things he says and how hardcore fans fetishize him, but he really brings wrestling back to reality sometimes.

S - Speaking of reality...something is happening on Twitter with C.M. Punk and Chris Brown? Why, I never! I had no idea this was going on. No one on my timeline mentioned this ad nausea for three straight hours. I was in the dark! I’m glad everyone is just letting it happen and not going crazy and annoying everyone with rants like Chris Brown personally insulted them or something. Way to be classy, wrestling fans.

T - Total hardcore fan moment. Here come the fanboys out of the woodwork again. Bryan vs. Punk?! Get the lotion, close the blinds, and tell mom you’re doing homework: it’s time to watch wrestling. I just want to take a moment here to express sympathy for every pet that is about to watch what you do while “enjoying” this match.

U - Ugh, commercial break? Really? I’m going to commercial break you! Heh...that showed them. Heh...

V - Very smart. Love the way Punk is selling. Utterly epic selling on his arm. I’m only 50 percent sure it’s a work. Congratulations. Kudos to Daniel Bryan, too, for wrestling with a beard. I have Randy Orton level scruff right now and every time I sweat my beard turns into a fire ant hill. This thing is so freaking itchy. I don’t know how he’s constantly not scratching at it like a homeless guy with fleas. Just amazing, Mr. Bryan. Amazing.

W - Wow. That. Was. Awesome. First off, Bryan-Punk was three mini-matches. Secondly, both men were allowed to look GREAT because of that. And, thirdly, what a finish! I don’t think I’ve ever seen that spot before! That was everything I love about wrestling. I think the finish single-handedly made me love wrestling again. Like, if I was five, I would remember this forever. Ugh, here I go sounding like that guy from "T" with my pants down. I’ll cap this off by saying great match!

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: You thought this was Raw. Not because it felt like it. It’s just you watch so much that they all blend together. I think I need a vacation.

Z – Zero: The number of minutes I’ll watch of “Face Off.” The percentage of people I’d be mad at if they hated my last two columns. I write like a hundred of these a year, I’m allowed to suck sometimes. And, finally, the number of parenthesis I used in this letter. Yay! I did it! Whoo!

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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