Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 3/5
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Ah, HBK has arrived! And, as always, his chest hair and incredibly tight, impossibly-high pants came along for the ride. If they were any higher, he’d have to unzip to talk. And, not to get on a HBK bashing thing here (I love the guy. Just...you know), but have you ever noticed how he looks a model from one of those weird older gentlemen magazines? Like, couldn’t you see him half-waving to the camera while walking up a hill with a giant stick? Or, playfully tussling his dog’s hair while holding a shotgun? Could he look any more outdoorsy? He looks like he’s one beaded animal pelt bracelet away from writing a manifesto. Calm down, HBK. Computers aren’t coming to get you...yet. (That’s why I always make sure to exchange pleasantries with the self-scan checkouts at Walmart. You know...just in case.)

B – Boo Boston. This crowd is going to make me jump off a building before the show ends. Every time they chant, a toddler finds out Santa Claus and Spongebob Squarepants don’t exist anymore via a suicide pact. Hey, you know what’s a good chant? “We think it’s 1998! *clap clap clap* We think it’s 1998! *clap clap clap*” Apparently Boston is now Portland, so get ready for Bill Clinton jokes and a lot of talk about how good Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy is going to be when it comes out next year. By the way, are they What!-ing HBK? Super classy, guys. You’re so classy you should write in italics. Look, I love roasting a sacred cow as much as the next guy, but come on. They’re trying to tell a (bad) story! Let them do it.

C – Confused. So...HBK is mad at Triple H because he took the match HBK wanted him to, but not because he told him to? What’s wrong with Triple H getting mad at Undertaker? Or, wanting to be better than HBK? Whenever these two have a promo, I get lost somewhere between “you’re my best friend” and the inevitable awkward point where Hunter calls HBK “Shawny.” You’re both north of 40 and unsure of phones with keyboards. Don’t call him Shawny. You ever notice how you don’t see any Joey’s or Billy’s with grey hair? It’s for good reason. Honestly, though, and this is important, I will probably enjoy Taker-Triple H. Really. Last year was awesome. It’s just all this is pretty pathetic. The build-up doesn’t feel the same and Triple H’s smug sarcasm makes me want to choke a chicken.

D – D...d...did you see Jack Swagger’s hair?! Holy Batman, he looks like Robin! That may be the greatest haircut ever. It’s like Donald Trump and Peyton Manning spliced together. He looks like that really freakishly tall kid in 4th grade who had to kneel on picture day. He’s like Greg Brady post-afro. He looks like he should be wearing a sailor outfit and holding a giant lollipop. I...I can’t stop. This is the definition of comedy. It’s like having a picture George W. Bush holding a book upside down. I can retire from Alphabet Soup happy now. It was a pleasure writing the column. Thank you.

E – End. I’m retired.

F - For real.

G - Grade B-. I’m retired, so I can only grade what I saw. It was better than a nap, but not as good as Jack Swagger’s hair. Now see ya later, I’m going to Hawaii!

H - Holy goodness! WWE has done it. They’ve brought me out of retirement with the only thing funnier than Jack Swagger. Let me see if I can explain this. A fake Jamaican guy in blue bicycle shorts walking down to the ring with a Russian woman who knows more double entendres than English and wears only leather, and her john, a loopy diminutive man who enjoys making tag matches and using outdated slang wearing giant suits made from Christmas paper to confront an ass-kissing, tall, white executive with a perpetually scratchy voice, a Harvard Law graduate with a seemingly endless collection of travel mugs and bow-ties who is married to a semi-well known singer, a bleach blond well-toned man who wears a pink t-shirt like a butt cape, and a 40-year-old widow who calls herself a Cougar; with the caveat being that they are doing this during a professional wrestling match between a Canadian pretending to be Italian with a snake puppet on his hand and a large former collegiate wrestler with a lisp and hair parted like Mitt Romney’s pubic region. And, to cap it off, the former group former a conga line and pantomimed playing a trombone after the match. It’s like the Real Housewives of Hanna-Barbera. I’ve never seen anything this weird. Dammit, I love WWE.

I – I’m severely disappointed Santino won the U.S. Title, but I completely understand the reasoning. He’s over. Almost too over to have a belt, but hey, when you get people to chant your name on PPV, you get a belt. He earned it and I’m happy, but this is a complete misuse of the most misused man in professional wrestling, Jack Swagger. I’m smarter than all the bookers. I’m going to tell you all about how I’d book Jack Swagger to the world title AND how I’d get C.M. Punk, Daniel Bryan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Shawn Michaels to have a fatal four-way iron man match on my wrestling blog AmazingslamperfectRKOplex.genericwrestlingblog.net.com Don’t worry, I got some badass MS Paint graphics to go along with it.

J – Just wondering why The Rock starts everything looking sideways. Is he too cool for cameras? Is he trying to avoid the lens capturing his soul? Is he just a douche? Probably the first one. Definitely. By the way, the Rock is a terrible history teacher.

Student: “Thanks for the information about the Tea Party, Mr. Rock, but what does any of that have to do with gnomes and tiny shorts?”

Rock: “It has to do with me putting boots to asses and...trending now on Twitter...me laying the smackdown on the fruity pebble transvestite!”

Student: “I...I don’t know what that means.”

Rock: “It doesn’t matter what it means! ...Trending now on Twitter...”

Student: “Is this going to be on the test? And was it ‘one if by land, two if by sea,’ or the other way?”

Rock: “It was one for a jabroni, 14 for Rock’s Clydesdale!”

Student: “Are you talking about your penis?”

Rock: “Am I ever NOT talking about my penis?”

K – Kind of good. Sure, Rock didn’t do too bad, but this schtick is tiring. Does he do anything else other than yell and randomly name off things like “possum piss?” Why was he thinking about that? How is that relevant to Cena? Does Cena love possums? Does anyone love possums? Rocky, you seem a lot more fiery on tape, and that’s great. But, dude, this is getting weak. It’s like he’s struggling to clutch to his fanbase he has left by screaming his catchphrases and doing bad MadTV parodies of his old bits. By the way, did anyone else imagine a homeless guy standing next to Rock, jaw-dropped, eyes watering at the sight of all those warm clothes flying into the water?

L – Love it. Heh, broskis before hoeskis! Yeah! Whoo! See, it’s funny ‘cause it’s like bros before hoes, but...but then he puts “skis” on it and says it...a lot. I’m sorry, I’m laughing so hard right now. And, his shirt! The Statue of Liberty is supposed to be all “I’m a serious statue. Blah blah blah,” but not when Zack gets to her! Oh no, now she’s decked out in merchandise and looks cool! Yeeeaahh! Bros!

M – Man, I seriously enjoy heel Eve. She has a great character and has a compelling story. She’s that one bitch (not offensive. In fact, in TNA it’s a term of endearment) everyone knows who leeches on your friend and won’t let go. Everyone knows that guy who can’t snap out of it and see his girl for what she is and it’s genius to let viewers tap into that collective venom and cheer for the guy, especially one as popular as Zack. Great story. Oh, and did you see Eve’s work? Not bad! I liked her moves out there. Her moveset is far more interesting as a heel.

N – Not a bad monologue, Cena. We’re very happy you came out today to audition for the Boston community play house production of “Good Will Hunting.” Look, we liked the emoting, but we think we’re going in another direction for Will. However, we have some choice roles as Sully #1 or Sully #2. Think about it.

O – Oh my. So many things to laugh at in Cena’s empty arena promo. For one, why did he sit in such a random chair? It wasn’t even the middle or anything; it was like Row 5, Seat 8. Who picks some random seat five rows up in an empty arena? I feel like the director of this promo was a film school drop-out who was just super-excited to show off his wide angle zoom. Look, we all think Tarantino movies are super foxy, too, but this isn’t the place. I half-expected it to be shot with a fish-eye lenses and run backwards so the ending it the beginning. Also, did Cena have to do the terrible actor cliché moves like “looking down and taking your hat off, then holding the brim in your hands” and the old “pausing to look up ever so gently, with eyes softer than velvet?” He did everything but stack boxes while the police talk to him. It was like watching the effeminate guy in high school audition for Biff in "Death of a Salesmen." It wasn’t all bad, though. Sure, there was some subtext. Cena being in the arena was a subtle nod to him being “the company guy” and “the guy who will never leave” while the empty seats illustrated the importance of the match to Cena. He didn’t do a tour around the city or put on a show. He takes it seriously. He conducted the monologue from his dojo of sorts. For Cena’s character, this is a battle to win, not a talking point or opportunity to promote a movie. The Rock is putting on a spectacle; Cena is waging a war. A war he won’t lose. And all of that is great character work, I don’t hate it. It’s just mind-numbing how much it’s shoved at us.

P – Perhaps he isn’t ready. Jericho was pretty rusty, wasn’t he? Like a disco lunch box, that guy. He looked like the worst eBay purchase ever. Should he be rusty? Maybe. But he should probably be wrestling more, too. Too much blah blah from a guy who is expected to put on the wrestling equivalent of a Sasha Grey DVD at WrestleMania. Jericho vs. Punk is like the Director’s Cut of “Debbie Does Dallas” for wrestling nerds (minus all the hair. So, so much hair). I’m not worried though. Keep working on it, Y2J, you’ll get there.

Q - Quotes.

The Rock: “The Rock has the you-know-what of John Hannddd-cock!” I don’t get it. That’s not even a pun. What do you have from John Hancock? Good penmanship? An apocryphal story about your signature? I’m so confused. And, if you’re talking about your penis again, you might want to get some help. Who looks like an historical patriot’s penis sizes?

R-Truth (to the camera in his interview): “Wait a minute, who the heck am I talking to?!” Just. Fantastic.

R - Rock part 2. Ah, I get it. He’s...he’s talking about his junk. Yep, Rock is talking about his penis yet again. That’s...that’s weird. And, probably illegal. Are you happy, Attitude Era fans? Huh? Is this what you wanted? Rock talking about the Boston cream pie he’ll get? There are so many things wrong with this. He has a time machine? To go fight a John Cena that he himself placed in the past? If it’s theoretical, why didn’t he just place himself in the past, too? Why did he build a completely superfluous theoretical time machine? And, why is he showing people in the past his penis? The Rock is like the Jack The Ripper of flashers. You know what’s more uncomfortable than watching someone try to re-create something they did ten years ago and failing? That same person thinking it’s oh so clever to keep talking about his man parts. I’m so confused. I like it better when you say catchphrases, Rock. Do that again.

S - SHOW. That’s literally what a sign in the crowd said. “SHOW." Not even “BIG SHOW.” Just “SHOW.” WWE fans, ladies and gentlemen. Speaking of the Big Show match, I’d tell you what Miz’s new shirt looked like, but he wasn’t on-screen long enough to read it. I’m sure it’ll sell like hotcakes, though. No worries. Can’t wait to buy the shirt of that guy who loses all the time to people who aren’t even paying attention. His shirt should say, “If you can read this, I might be getting a push finally.” Also, Show vs. Rhodes at WrestleMania, I can dig it. Cody gets another great WrestleMania moment and a bigger piece of air time and I get a stretch to relieve some stress during WrestleMania.

T - Totally don’t care. I’m beyond done with Kane. I’ve completely tuned him out. I don’t even care. He can take his welder's mask, burnt candle wax secondary mask, and weird fat guy tank top and go away forever. What’s the impetus for him attacking Orton? Seriously? Is Kane jealous of how tan he is? How handsome he is? Is Kane intimidated by Randy’s glorious thighs? This screams of “Oh my gosh, we forgot to book Randy for WrestleMania! Okay, who’s easily defeated and makes kids cry?” “Heath Slater?” “No! Makes them cry in the ‘he’s scary way,’ not the ‘he’s weird and has girl hair’ way. Uh...Kane! Yeah!” So...long story short, I was googling umbrellas during this. I think it’s about time I got a pretty one.

U - Uh...wow. Cena just made The Rock look terrible, again. This is remarkable, and I’m inclined to think it isn’t scripted (though it’s still a possibility that Rock is being booked weak to make Cena look good. But, come on, Rock’s ego would never allow that). Cena’s promos to this point are brilliant. Not even in a wrestling capacity. They’re brilliant in a “damn, he made him look stupid!” way. It’s incredible. He completely disarmed The Rock before he even arrived. And, you gotta love his "Rabbit at the end of 8 Mile" moment where he cracked on himself before Rock could. I mean, that’s how you suck the venom out of your opponent. This really feels like Cena legit trying to mess with Rock and show him up. But...it’s still wrestling and this is still kayfabe. It’s still cool to think about it, though.

V - Very nice. From a thematic standpoint, I love Cena’s promos. Of either participant, Cena is the only one actually making this about their upcoming athletic competition and not how many people they can get to chant his name. Cena’s monologue about winning and losing and this being an ultimate test is perfect. I’m much more excited for Cena’s end of the argument, wondering if he can overcome one of the ultimate tests. Rock really should be grabbing that part of the story and running with it instead of trying to upstage Cena with “clever” barbs. This is starting to get pathetic from Rock’s side.

W - Wow. Is anyone surprised that Rock did about two minutes of nothing while looking visibly agitated and annoyed? Sorry, Attitude Era romantics, I think The Rock kind of sucks. Maybe he was good, but now he looks silly. Again, it could be by design, and if Rock’s ego would actually allow itself to do that, I’d be proud of him. But, I don’t see it.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Raw when: everything written under “H” made complete sense.

Z – Zero: The amount of over-run beyond usual this week. You gotta love how they were like “keep it short, dammit! White Collar is coming on for God’s sake!” The number of Boston fans I like. And, finally, the percentage of Rock promos I’ll never not make fun of. Sorry, I think he’s corny and lame.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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