Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 3/9
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Ah, it’s like I always say: If your U.S. champion doesn’t have a snake puppet in his name card graphic, you aren’t doing your job. I’m not a super-depressed evil gremlin, I swear. But, really, Santino’s gimmick is thinner than Kelly Kelly’s clothes, which are much thinner than regular clothes, but not as to be too provocative. (Not what you thought, huh? See what I did there? That’s called the high road. I just found out about it yesterday.) Still, I weirdly support him holding a mid-card title. If these belts are just going to be rolled out for the flavor of the week (e.g. Zack Ryder), then why not Santino? He got pretty over leading up to the PPV and the kiddos love him. There’s gotta be something for everybody. Everything can’t be Ring of Honor matches...unless you’re Ring of Honor, then good luck!

B – Boy howdy is Swagger’s hair incredible. He looks like Clark Kent if he hit his head a few times on the way to earth. His clueless stare, silly smile, and Lego hair pretty much equal the greatest thing ever. They should really build a character around this. Let him be the comedic heel. Or, you know, give him a push, period. That hair, though! It’s like Donald Trump’s wig farm. Like you can mine comb-overs on his head. He looks like Dolph Ziggler’s boy sidekick. His hair is like the greatest Ninja Turtles playset ever. Couldn’t you see it being detachable and shooting little plastic pizzas? Is Swagger’s hair single? I know a certain blushing wrestling writer (I use that term loosely) who is interested. Hehe!

C – Could TNA be any angrier right now?

TNA Management: “They’re doing a match where the winner actually loses?”

Writer 1: “Dumb, right?”

TNA Management: “It’s brilliant! What am I paying you losers for?! You’re not churning out gold like that!”

Writer 2: “You’re not paying us. I slept in my own urine last night. You lured me in the building with a ham sandwich. I’d leave, but it’s raining.”

TNA Management: “Damn right you got a ham sandwich! Never forget that! You think the other guys around here make the big bucks like that? We pay the X Division guys in used staples. Unless you can come up with something better than the winner actually losing or at least copying it 40 times over the next two weeks, I want the ham sandwich back!”

Writer 1: “He...he already ate it.”

TNA Management: “We have ways of recouping our investment. Call Amazing Red and tell him I need a garbage can, some of those things we call hot dogs from concession, and the most exposed wire you can find in the building.”

Writer 1: “Uh-huh...uh-huh...he wants to know which exposed wire. I guess they all look pretty dangerous.”

D – Drew McIntyre’s lady locks are beautiful. He looks like the bearded women in one of those old timey circuses where two bald, barrel-chested twins lift weight balls and a guy wearing a Sgt. Pepper’s jacket puts a chair in a lion’s mouth. Wait, that sounds pretty awesome. How does this not exist anymore? I want to pay a nickel to smoke PCP in public and watch a vaguely foreign guy swallow swords. Ah...the good ol’ days.

E – Eh. A Drew-Khali feud sounds as exciting as playing Kick The Can. I tried it. It’s like kickball if you're super poor and enjoy reenacting scenes from old movies where a sad orphan walks down the street. Has there ever been a sadder game than “Kick The Can?” It’s like playing “Carry the hobo stick.” Anyways, I digress, Drew vs. Khali is unfortunate. I wish this spot were given to the only walking, talking, romping, stomping Funkasaurus in captivity (the other Funkasaurus lives on Monster Island from the old Godzilla movies). Funkasaurus really made wrestling fun. I miss him.

F - Freak yes! Love the Mark Henry video. Well, it wasn’t a video as much as it was a terrible Powerpoint presentation. (Where were the cool backgrounds and music? And, no effects when you go from one slide to the next? Not even a star wipe? A star wipe?!) But, it was still effective and educational. It’s nice to reeducate the next generation of fans on exactly why Mark Henry is “The World’s Strongest Man.” He’s not just a fat guy; he’s legit beefcake. (I say that in the most non-homoerotic way possible, which isn’t very much considering what I’m going to type when Cody Rhodes comes out.) Nice package. (Again, not homoerotic. Hey, where’s that high road again? I think I forgot where it was.)

G - Grade B-. Maybe I enjoyed the show more because I wrote this grade after procrastinating most of this column until 7:00 a.m. Sunday morning, but I thought it was decent. It sure beats taking out the trash, huh guys? Hey guys, how about that tool/car/fart/beer you bought/looked at/released/drank too much of? Am I earning man points yet? Anywho, this episode was better than my pathetic attempts to be manly, but not as good as watching old ladies argue with cashiers about cat food. Because it’s always the cat food...

H - Henry looked great vs. Zeke. I feel bad that the guy is working hurt and trying his hardest to clutch to his spot. He could really use some time off, but until then, it’s best to book him in short matches and let him give the illusion of dominance. I sincerely hope Henry gets 100 percent, because he’s one of the best heels. Period. And, also, a match between him and Zeke down the line sounds pretty interesting to me.

I – I love Johnny Ace’s attire. Either he wore those disgusting tights for heat or he really loves his legs. Either way, it was amazing. He has the legs of a praying mantis. He looked like Michael Cera circa 2045. It was like a pirate with two pegs legs getting ready for his ballet recital. What I’m saying is, I enjoyed that. Thanks, Johnny Cakes!

J – Just hold on one second! You’re telling me that Randy Orton snuck up and RKO’d someone out of nowhere? What?! Since when does he do that? That was so cool! Who knew he could do it all of sudden like that! Wowee! What will he do next? Say something in a Johnny Cash bass inflection while starting and stopping more than William Shatner’s voice...and urine stream?

K – Kane means nothing to me. He’s annoying, sticks out way too much, and is infinitely boring. Any story with Kane features the following things: Random fire, a hint that Kane’s antagonist may go to literal hell, “blah blah blah torture, blah blah blah true pain,” and, finally, the one part where Kane awkwardly breathes into the microphone and it sounds like when you’re talking to someone on a cell phone with the window down. Please note that I dislike Kane, the character, not the actual guy. He’s great in the ring and super smart; it’s just that Kane is the stupidest character ever. He’s like a Goosebumps villain. His character is the stuff of cable movies that Danny Bonaduce and Dave Coulier over-qualified to play in.

L – Loving this tag action! I’m really excited for the developments in the tag division. There was a nice mini-story with Truth and Kofi finally getting the victory after a couple of weeks tagging. It’s a great story of two guys working harder and harder to finally gain the advantage on their rivals. Well done! And, I gotta say, the Colons are spectacularly talented. I still can’t tell them apart. (I swear I’m not racist. I didn’t even try to name Truth/Kofi. So...yeah. Plus, I love Samuel L. Jackson.) But, they are quite an interesting pair. I love the way they use the ring and really play up the team aspect.

M – Man, it’s a good thing this Daniel Bryan-Sheamus match isn’t for a World Championship or anything. ‘Cause I mean, that would be crazy. It has no build. Haha...but, it’s okay, it’s just an exhibition. If this were for a title, it would be a disaster. Could you imagine if it ere a WrestleMania match, too?! That would be hilarious. I’d be all like “whhaaa?” and then I’d be all “the fizzle?!” But...but I’m not. It’s a good thing this is just a normal match. Wait...it’s for what? At what?

N – Nooooooooooooooooooo!!! Whhaaa? The fizzle?!

O – Oh my, are they trying to bury Daniel Bryan now? My shower drain has more build-up than Veggie Tales's match against the Destroyer of Limes. Super epic fail. Do people even say that any more? No, no they do not. That’s how bad this build is: I just said “epic fail.” Seriously, what the?! Oh, and in case you were wondering, the segment to build up this match was useless. It might as well not even have happened. It was basically “I’m Vegan,” “I’m Irish.” Unless this gets some real legs, this will fail.

P – Putting all that aside, A.J. looked nice this week. It’s a good thing Jerry Lawler isn’t allowed on Smackdown. If he heard Sheamus’s thing about A.J. wearing a schoolgirl outfit, he would’ve put a hole in the desk...with his hand (not helping)...from doing a fist pump (not helping)...like Tiger Woods does (definitely not helping)...wait...you know, not in a sexual way, like in a “yay” way (did that help? I don’t even know anymore)...I’m going to stop while I’m ahead. (Parenthesis are fun!)

Q - Quotes.

Daniel Bryan: “A.J., shut up.” Best. Line. Ever.

Daniel Bryan (referring to A.J.): “If anything, she’s gotten in the way. I mean that literally, sweetheart.” Bryan is Al Bundy if he were healthy, young, vital, real, not bald, attractive, a wrestler...you know, basically just like Al Bundy.

R - Really. I do want to compliment the work they’re doing on making Bryan a believable heel. Making A.J. his unwitting pawn is brilliant. Not only does she look sweet and innocent (breathe, Jerry Lawler, breathe!), but she serves as an effective avatar for the viewing audience. Very, very good work.

S - So, WWE is having a concert on Raw, huh? Yeah, that’s just what The Rock’s ego needed, a concert. The week after that, there will be a hot air balloon battle royal with Rock’s noggin playing the role of balloon. I like balloons. I love the idea of Cena rapping, too. As we have heard, Cena is a gifted lyricist of the highest degree. With such potent quotables as “Brush you out like Colgate” and “Lay you down for the three second tan,” I expect nothing short of a classic. Something that can be put on the same level as Reasonable Doubt, Graduation, Illimatic, and Paul’s Boutique. Truly, we aren’t the lucky ones Monday night, music, as a whole, as a living creature with soul and feeling, is the lucky one.

T - Totally smart. The Smackdown writers are my favorite when it comes to keeping the cat in the bag. (Metaphorically, of course...unless it was a bag of white fluffy bunnies AWWW CUUUTTTEEEE WOOOSHAAA WOOSHAAA! ...Sorry about that. What was I saying? Ah yes, parenthesis are fun.) The ability to resist letting Show and Rhodes meet too early isn’t lost on me and I’m really quite pleased. Honestly, just like last year, Rhodes’s encounter already has more heat than the “main-event matches” on Smackdown. It’s a testament to the writers’s skills at elevating young guys and to Rhodes’s creativity. Future champ, that Rhodes. Also, future husband, that Rhodes. To me. In some liberal state. Where my parents can’t attend.

U - Ugh. Another multi-man PPV procrastination match isn’t helping their cool points, but I get the need for it. I’d rather see a little more promo time here and maybe a tag match with Rhodes and Show sitting out to do commentary. (Biased toward Rhodes? Who? Me? Naaaa.) What are you going to do, though? I just wish there was a match with a little more at-stake to cap off the show. It was fun seeing guys who usually don’t interact getting a chance to here, though, and it gave me a chance to keep pimping a future Miz/Bryan tag team. ‘Cause, come onnn, it’d be awesome. I’d like to go ahead and preemptively named them Diz. Thank you.

V - Very surprising. Who da thunk it? If you guessed it was Colonel Orton in the library with the random RKO on The Miz, you won. Here’s a piece of candy. Everyone guessed that and I don’t have enough easily breakable, vaguely familiar but legally different Dollar Store toys. I only have three Max Power Rangermen and two Army Joe’s. So...be nice.

W - Wait, wait...hold on! Why is Miz in this match again? No, seriously. I’m not mocking him. Look around. Show is here because of Rhodes and vice versa. Same for Bryan and Sheamus. Orton is here to be attacked by Kane...so why is Miz here? I mean, other than to take the pinfall. Nothing illustrates Miz’s Island of Misfit Toys status as much as being added to this match seemingly just because. Miz is my darkhorse pick to be surprise released this year. I’m not happy about it, and I love his facial expressions and emoting, but this feels like a long time coming. I hope he bounces back with a title-less Bryan after WrestleMania in a beautiful tag team...that could lead to Miz turning on Bryan after he abuses A.J. and becomes a face...you can read this and 324,503 more words of fantasy booking on my blog, ICanSeeYouJohnCenaROHTNA4LifeNWOTooSweet.blog.generic.areyoustilltyping.org.net. Don’t worry about the MS Paint graphics, I know a guy who does graphic design. No, for like serious. He had a year in community college! Did you know you can use Photoshop to overlay pixelated white text onto terrible pictures you steal from Google? You do now!

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: You grabbed the lotion when Teddy Long and Aksana appeared on the screen, only to be disappointed. Again. Now I know how they guy next door feels when I have a mutual friend that is a girl over and keep the window open.

Z – Zero: The number of Ninja Turtle jokes until now. If I’ve made another one and you can name the exact column I did it in, I’ll mention you in the next one. I don’t think I have yet, though. The number of bloggers that think “W” is funny. Don’t worry, I’m not mocking all of you. Just most of you. A lot of you are cool, though. And, finally, the percentage of this crowd I hated. Good people, here. Good people.

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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