Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 3/12
By Charles Cress, PWTorch Specialist

A – Amazing. Just...wow. I live for nights like this. When you are in the industry I am (making fun of things other people love because you’re a bad person), it doesn’t get better than this. They even have a clever pun! “Rock Concert!” See, ‘cause he’s The Rock, and it’s a concert, so...so...it’s...you know, a rock concert! If anybody wants to kill me, do so now while I’m at my peak. This is truly the highlight of my career.

B – Big time! The Dr. of Thuganomics is back. It’s always nice when WWE can class up the show with a doctorate. And, like any doctor, he writes gibberish. I love how the lyrics in Cena’s old song mean absolutely nothing. It’s like they were joint written by a committee of old white people and eight-year-old boys with a Ja Rule CD. What the hell is “Word Life?” I’m a writer, do I live the “word life?” Am I a doctor of Thuganomics? If so, can I tell girls to take off their clothes...for medical purposes, of course. Can I give Cody Rhodes a physical? Also, “thuganomics?" Again, these sound vaguely educational. Does he deal stock on the thug market? Is this like Regannomics, but without all the rich people coddling? Didn’t Bill Clinton run on a Thuganomics platform? I’m just saying, these all sound like things written by a 60-year-old multi-millionaire with a 1st generation iPod and two grand kids who enjoy Hip Hop Harry. (Google. Please.)

C – Come on. That was weak. Cena’s “rap” (I use that term loosely here. It’s a rap like the long-haired kid at your high school who plays three chords on a kid-size acoustic guitar and screams about his dad) existed, and that’s the best compliment I can give it. For anyone who missed it, here is Cena’s Rap, The Cliff Notes version:

- John Cena doesn’t have testicles. He instead produces testosterone from a bag of Planters honey roasted peanuts he presumably keeps in his pants.

- Rock had “booby” surgery...or something. I’m not really sure what that means. Apparently he’s not aware of the ability of some men to flex the pectoral muscle like Rock does. Also, he said booby in complete seriousness.

- The Rock will be in "G.I. Joe 2," coming this summer!

- John Cena has decided to gift The Rock with a Cleveland Steamer. If I can offer any advice that could potentially stand the test of time, it’d be “don’t google Cleveland Steamer.”

D – Dolph Ziggler is amazing. Not only does he have a butt cape and sell like something that sells well on a day in which that particular item would sell well (I’ve written like 200 of these, just...just let me have it), but he meshes so well with his opponents. It wasn’t a five-star match with Sheamus, but they worked well. And, as usual, Ziggler made Sheamus look like a million bucks. Wait, million? Does that saying even have meaning anymore? “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire” is freaking syndicated. Billion? Would that work? I don’t know...Zuckerberg’s a billionaire. And, he’s...you know. Isn’t this similar to that joke from Austin Powers? I don’t know. Let’s come back to this later. I have some testicle jokes coming up and I want to make sure we really land these.

E – Everyone gets money! I adore the idea of a multi-man tag match (to hopefully be the opening bout) at WrestleMania to decide the all-around GM. It’s a good buffer between the big matches, it gets a lot of guys on the card that wouldn’t be otherwise, and gives everyone a chance to tweet about Miz taking the fall. Seriously, though, this match sounds fun. I’m pleased.

F - Freaking love it. It doesn’t get better than Bryan and A.J.’s story. I know I’ve said this often, but these two are really putting on a show. A.J., who I’ve mocked endlessly in this column, isn’t too bad of an actress and shows disappointment well on her face...something she probably learned from prom night! Zing! Heh...I kid. I’m sure she’s a great kid. Any who, it feels Savage/Elizabeth esque (not exactly like it, of course. Because, you know, people cared about Elizabeth) and I like the minor details like Bryan never actually using the words “I love you,” but instead skirting around it by saying things like “the feeling is mutual” and my absolute favorite, which has now become a hallowed member of my lengthy, labyrinth-like lexicon, “I appreciate that.” I hope this lasts well beyond WrestleMania and builds up enough likability for A.J., the Wonder Pup, that when she finally breaks away, it means something. Or...just have it end at WrestleMania because, hey!, that’s easier.

G - Grade B. I can’t hate Raw because of how much character development there was this week, but everything The Rock did makes me very badly want to give this episode a F. You know what, I will. Let’s do this again. Grade F. Thanks, Rock. It was better than eating out of a trash can, but not as good as getting electrocuted... Sounds about right.

H - Hard work. Otunga's continued development of his gimmick and idiosyncratic motions are fantastic. He's really setting himself apart. From putting together a dramatic pose for his entrance to the way he emotes while in-ring, I don’t see why Otunga can’t be a legitimate wrestler with some work. I’d even go as far as to say he wouldn’t be a bad choice to feud long term with Santino for the U.S. Title. A lot of wrestling (and most things in general) is confidence and how you carry yourself. He presents himself like he’s important (again, going back to the great little touches he’s added to his entrance) and his confidence doesn’t waver. He always has a look on his face like he belongs, so you never question it. A lot of guys could really learn from that. When I see a majority of the younger guys on NXT or Superstars, they always look as if they expect to be pulled off the air. A little confidence could go a long way for some high potential athletes like Tyson Kidd and Michael McGillicutty. (I’ll never get tired of writing that name. It’s almost as fun typing it as it is saying it out loud.)

I – I always get creeped out by that commercial where Sheamus is flanking the family carrying Kmart bags backstage. (Because that’s what I do. Shop at Kmart, bring my bags with me into an arena, and walk around all day with them backstage at a WWE show.) It seems almost as if they’re implying some sort of sinister subterfuge from Sheamus. Like, if he didn’t pull that terrible Sheamus figure from their bag, he’d turn around and kick the mom right in the face. Just makes me uncomfortable.

J – Just...fantastic. What is Alicia Fox doing to train for the biggest event of the year? Wherein athletic fortitude is at an all-time high and men fight epic bouts full of high intensity, breakneck speed and Russian Roulette-like risks to become immortal? She’s working on her outfit. Yep. And, you wonder why the Divas get two-minute matches and less respect than Rodney Dangerfield? Way to effectively kill women’s wrestling, Alicia.

K – Killing it. On the opposite end of the spectrum from A.J. being a love-struck pawn, there is Eve courting Zack Ryder (who is awkward and bumbling as ever) into a “friends with benefits” deal with no doubt sinister intentions attached to her love-making. You gotta love Eve and A.J. clawing viciously to gain back the tiny pieces of respect the Divas have left post-Alicia Fox. They both have three-dimensional characters with clear motivations. And, even though A.J.’s is currently assigned a negative character attribute, her character represents a lot of women in one-sided relationship and works well as an avatar for the average fan, as well as sort of a real world barometer to Bryan’s morality. Eve’s strong independent woman (albeit, one with negative attributes as well) is a great character, as well, and almost the exact opposite in that she’s used as a morality (along with stupidity and gullibility) barometer for Ryder. While both are played as tragic figures in their own right and probably show a glaring weakness in writing for women in WWE (basically, if you’re quiet and dedicated, you’re being used, if you're brash and independent, you’re a ho), their leaps forward are both fun to watch.

L – Let me just say how proud I am of that last paragraph for being a well-constructed examination of women’s increasing role in wrestling fiction from a character perspective without resorting to excessive parenthesis, homoerotic undertones, superhero references, stories about my life, or sex jokes. Maybe, I’m a writer after all...and boy did Eve’s chest look nice. What about Beth’s? Her breasts looked like they were trying to escape from Alcatraz. I thought they were going to dive into the water and start blowing up rafts made from napkins and Dorito bags. I...just lost my credibility, huh? Good...didn’t want it anyway...that’s a lie. I’m going to cry myself to sleep.

M – Man...uh...James Roday is great and everything, and I love "Psyche," but seriously? He actually acts like that? Yeeeahhh...I’m good. How annoying would it be to have a friend like that? It’s cute for 30 minutes on TV (yes, I know Psyche is an hour long...), but it would be suicide-provoking for eight hours. Zombies would swallow an old-timey bomb with a lit wick before hanging out with Roday for an hour. Hanging out with James Roday for a day would involve a lot of Advil, some heavy drinking, and sobbing galore. It’d be like sharing a bed with Nicolas Cage.

N – No straw hat? No absurd wrist bands? No rabbit pelt gloves? Shawn seemed human this week, you know, instead of like a 2,000 B.C. hunting god. I guess he wisely decided that straw hats aren’t intimidating. Speaking of looks, nice cowl, Undertaker. He looks like Power Rangers villain. Couldn’t you totally see him growing 20 stories tall and wobbling around a cardboard city, deflecting lasers from the Megazord? I can’t tell if he’s a Final Fantasy boss or an anime character. Either way, he shoots purple stuff. Definitely purple stuff.

O – Oh, isn’t it ironic? I think? I’m so confused. It’s sort of like raaaiinnnn on your wedding daaayyyyy, or I guess like a freee rriiidddeee you just didn’t takkke. What’s that? No, I wasn’t singing, my keys got stuck. Damn lotion said it wasn’t sticky! Good thing it’s only on the right side of the keyboard. Anyways, in a rare moment of sincerity, I sort of like where this is going. Sure, most of it was mindless non-sense that even Radiohead fans couldn’t decipher, and Undertaker was still rustier than Eve’s muffler (oh, high road...where are you?), but the idea that Shawn is in league with Triple H and could help his friend win to once and for all end The Streak that ended him is certainly intriguing. Of course, he won’t, because Shawn will never return to the ring in a wrestling capacity. The only problem I have here is they seem to be setting up Shawn for a great feud...forgetting that he’s never coming back. By the way, Shawn, here’s a tip: if you want to storm off looking badass, don’t do it to the lyrics “I think I’m cute, I know I’m sexy!”

P – Please, Roday, trip on something and get impaled on a spike. He’s the most annoying person since me. I know I’m unbearable to be around, so he has to be much worse. A puffy vest, James? He’s a mismatched winter hat away from standing in front of Abercrombie and Fitch. He looks like “the sensitive, but totally fun” guy from a boy band (not to be confused with “the bad ass with a heart of gold” guy or “the sensitive but totally fun AND closet gay” guy). Don’t worry, if God decides this is too much and floods the earth any minute (please do), it can double as a floatation device. Again, though, don’t worry, we can pop it. Wouldn’t want riff-raff like that in our new world. There can only be one annoying, spikey-haired, too-clever-for-his-own-good white guy, and that’s me!

Q - Quotes.

The Rock: “You should chant, Cleveland!” Oh, Rocky! That’s where we are from!

The Rock: “...send that baby back to Heaven!” I like how it’s assumed that this is where babies come from. So heaven is in the business of importing AND exporting? I thought it was mostly importing. Someone should tell George Costanza this...

R - Really good. Wow...that...that was brilliant. Chris Jericho finally made me care about his and C.M. Punk’s match (and that’s not to mention, C.M. Punk made me care as well. His side was a great performance, with better facials than your mom). For weeks, I’ve knocked it for being generic, story-less, and so obviously steered behind the scenes. But, this changes everything. For a superhero like C.M. Punk, this gives him the last piece of the puzzle - a weakness. This is his Kryptonite. Not only does it put the feud over, it puts Jericho and Punk over ten-fold. Now Jericho is the terrible villain who dares to go “there” and Punk is the tragic, sensitive, troubled soul that any fan can relate to. Since Money in the Bank last year, it feels like WWE’s top face spot has been divided along age lines, with the younger sect heralding John Cena and the older audience rallying behind Punk, who is essentially John Cena with an edge. The two fan bases don’t transfer over much and that sort of limits WWE’s monetary potential. I think everything WrestleMania has to do with endearing Cena to the older jaded fans and making C.M. Punk human enough for younger and female fans to sympathize with him. Superman isn’t lauded because he can do everything; he’s loved because it only takes one thing to kill him. It’s never about the obvious. In a similar vein to the villain defining the hero, a character’s fatal flaw is his strongest trait. Making C.M. Punk’s bravado into a veil of bravery, a sort of shield he developed as a kid to deflect his heritage and make everything about everything else, is a genius move. (Yes, before you slap your keyboard silly telling me about how this had been done before in ROH, I know. Shut up. Got it.) I’d heap some more praise on, but my wrist hurts. (My 100th self-pleasure joke, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, thank you.)

S - Seriously, that was pretty epic paragraph. Let’s all take a breather. Good? Okay. Let’s talk about silly stuff now. Like Jack Swagger’s hair! It looks like a well-raked monastery rock garden. It’s like fields of sweet, delicious corn. He looks like Richie Rich, age 22. He looks like what Casper would have grown up to be if he hadn’t died and became a friendly ghost. Hashtag #RichieRich.

T - The Rock is like a sentient applause-o-meter gone wild. It’s pretty pathetic. He’s like the bus from “Speed,” except he needs at least 1,000 people cheering him or he’ll explode. And, he’s certainly not going to accomplish that with references older than some of his fans. Vanilla Ice and Teletubbies? We don’t need a multi-media presentation of your terrible joke, Rock. We got it. Getting it wasn’t the problem. Oh, hey! I got a good follow up for you. Try this one: “I’m rubber your glue!” Gets ‘em every time.

U - Ugh. You ever heard someone play one chord on the guitar for seven minutes while reading gay jokes off a piece of paper? Yes? Oh, well if you haven’t, you just did. I feel like his music sheet just said “Play the G Chord a lot” in giant letters. See, the song was funny because he said Cena likes men and...and he’s not supposed to. Heh. Brilliant. It was like a drunk ex-girlfriend doing karaoke. I’m so over Rock.

V - Very funny. I love how Rock stopped in the middle and told little side stories, like he’s Tony Bennett in Las Vegas or something. I half-expected him to start introducing band members: “You guys have been a great audience tonight. Love Cleveland. Speaking of things I love, how about this great band, huh? Doo-doo-dododo-daaaa...let me introduce you to our saxophone player, Greg. Greg’s been with us for three years...good guy...what about our trumpet player, Mike! Take a bow, Mike! Shoe-be-dobee-waaaaaa-aaaa...good guy, Mike. Wife makes great pie...see, that’s funny because I’m referring to her genatailia...good times...Mike likes men, ladies and gentlemen. He’s lamer than Dr. Evil. The guy from “Austin Powers?” That was a funny movie...seen it for the first time yesterday...I’ve been doing that pinky thing all day. No one does that...not sure why...”

W - Well, this presents a pretty clear dichotomy. WWE basically offered a lesson in how to properly book a feud. In one corner, there's John Cena and The Rock, which is based around John Cena hating his movies...or something and Rock’s belief that Cena is actually a man-loving woman...in the other corner, there's C.M. Punk and Chris Jericho, which revolves around Punk and his cocky demeanor giving himself a clear advantage over Jericho on just confidence alone, and Chris Jericho’s trump card exposing C.M. Punk’s past, shattering the champ’s ego and revealing his entire persona as a thin construct to hide his real pain, thus giving Jericho a chance to win the thing that matters most to him, the WWE Championship. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, this has been Booking 101.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much wrestling when: during Rock’s sing-along, you politely wondered aloud if this is what watching an episode of Nitro was like.

Z – Zero: The amount of comments I have about The Rock’s terrible sing-along on the Titantron. If I said what I really thought you’d have to buy another computer to read this behemoth of a column. The part of me that thought I’d get so into Jericho and Punk’s feud. Well done, boys. And, finally, the percentage of Rock promos I enjoy. Am I potentially biased? Sure am. This is an opinion piece, not a report on the stock market.

[Torch art credit Joe Borzotta (c) PWTorch.com]

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