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ALPHABET SOUP - Smackdown 3/16: Humor column breaks down Smackdown A-to-Z - Blood, Crystal, Hair, Kane, Livestock, Party, Wheel

Mar 19, 2012 - 10:53:37 AM
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Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 3/16
By Charles Cress, PWTorch Specialist


A – Awesome. It’s nice to see Christian back, if only for his windblown, feathered hair. If you didn’t see it, or didn’t really pay attention, I’d describe Christian as sort of looking like Chris Jericho with hat hair. He looks like a sad Edward Norton. He looks like he’s one rainy day and a misunderstood voicemail from picking up a guitar and being the voice of his generation. He looks like that one member of the boy band who’s way older than the rest and compensates for his receding hairline with kissy faces and using enough gel to snap an unbreakable comb. Ugh, his hair is depressing me. Can we get him out of here? That’d be nice. I just bought a pink hoodie today (a MEN'S hoodie...) and I’m flying high. I don’t need a vengeful gel job ruining this.

B – Boo. I may be a staunch Otunga apologist and a Kofi...person who doesn’t want to harm myself when he wrestles, but that match was off. It looked like Otunga was confused. He never really seemed to be in the right position or even cognitive of the next move. He kept interrupting Kofi’s big spots and it never felt like he was ready to take the bump. I know Otunga can do better. I’m not worried. Just sayin’.

C – Cattle. I love how they herd all the Divas into one locker room like livestock. I can just imagine a giant guy like Mark Henry stampeding down the hallway, guiding them into the room. “Git on now, lil’ Divas!” On a serious note, this feels like another subliminal putdown to women’s wrestling. Viewers are given the illusion that most of the men (especially the stars) have their own dressing rooms, while, no matter what, all of the women are presented as sharing one room with the generic label “Divas Room.” Why doesn’t Beth Phoenix get her own dressing room? The WWE Champion would certainly be presented thusly. It’s another small touch that continually perpetuates the myth of women’s wrestling inferiority. While I love Daniel Bryan lending a World Champion’s credibility to a Divas match, it won’t fix the problem. A.J. can definitely be a bridge to a better Divas division, and her finally being presented as a capable wrestler in her own right rather than the brow-beaten beau was nice, but there’s a long way to go. Basically, WWE needs to hire women writers ASAP. Not saying I don’t like this story; I’ve stated repeatedly that this is one of the better stories in WWE with some pretty good characters, clear motivations, and subtext. I just hope it can lend some of that magic to the rest of the Divas.

D – Don’t...please don’t replay Rock’s pandering, pathetic, homophobic, sophomoric song. There are exactly 3,567,892 things I rather do. What’s that? Will I take that throwaway joke too far and extend it into 200 words? Oh, you know me so well! Without further ado, here are some of those things I rather do: #23 - Eat a bagel. #45 - Reference M*A*S*H*. #89 - Be the meat in a Striker-Rhodes sandwich. #134 - Stub my toe. #670 - Ask my dad where babies come from. #3,894 - Smoke pencil shavings. #10,103 - Ask my dad where I came from. #54,678 - Call Cody Rhodes ugly. #78,900 - Learn what “more cushion for the pushin’” means first-hand...in prison. #145,455 - Read my own column. #245,666 - Trade deformed, dripping nacho cheese-like bodies with the Great Khali. #456,900 - Read my own column twice. #1,000,000 - Be my parents reading #89. #1,400,400 - Fantasy book a feud between Zack Ryder and Percy Watson. #2,000,000 - Be decapitated. #3,000,000 - Ask my dad where my brother came from. #3,567,891 - Read this list. And, finally, #3,567,892 - Be Daffy Duck during the “Rabbit Season/Duck Season” bit.

E – Entertainment. Heck of a promo from Rhodes. He continues to amaze with his expressions, tone, and body language during promos. He’s the definition of a “Natural.” Forget the hyperbole, weirdly sexual paragraphs, and even #89 from the previous letter. In all seriousness, Cody Rhodes is the best heel in WWE. Dolph Ziggler wishes he could get half the response Cody Rhodes does. Dolph is too cool to ever be truly hated. Dolph will always be more Fonzie than Wile E. Coyote. He’ll never lower his shield enough to be universally despised. Whereas Dolph is the winking bad guy with smirk, Cody has it in his blood to get a reaction. He looks like he was born to be hated. All you need to do is watch the eight months he did the Un-Dashing gimmick. That’s a heel.

F - For real. I love Khali’s song. Has anything ever been catchier than his weird Bollywood bop? It’s more fun than every '90s alternative one-hit wonder put into a blender with your grandpa saying “hip-hop” and that time it looked like your dog was headbanging. You know how you get international peace? Stream Khali’s song into the U.N. It’s like an audio hug. And, you know you just went “awww” to that last sentence. Don’t deny it.

G - Grade C+. Smackdown wasn’t great and it didn’t have much content, but I left satisfied. It wasn’t a complete waste of my time (like, say...trying to put a thimble on my pointer finger...which is REALLY hard). So, there’s that. It was better than the sound a cardboard makes when it rubs against cardboard, but not as good as dogs wearing clothes. Every time. It gets me. Never fails.

H - Huh, that was a decent Khali match! Not my favorite Khali match (that’d be his and Daniel Bryan’s impressive bout), but it wasn’t suicide inducing...so, yay! Rhodes sold like a champ here and the match structure was very nice, mapping out a realistic chance for a Khali win and giving the big guy some very impressive moments. Well done. Oh, real quick, let me use this to get in my "Khali’s weird body" jokes of the week. Here we go: Khali has the physique of crumbled wrapping paper. Khali has the physique of a melting igloo. Khali has the physique of a caramel apple. Thank you. Have I reached my Cody minimum yet, by the way? Let’s see...yeah, that should do it. But, my contract lets me reserve the right to mention Cody at a later point in this column without probable cause, so watch out.

I – I love Randy’s new t-shirt. You know, people don’t make chocolate brown t-shirts anymore, and that’s a shame. It’s a really pretty color. The richness of the hue is so striking. And, you know, I like that...wait, what? His shirt is white? No, no, no. It only looks white because it’s against Randy’s flame-broiled complexion. Common mistake. Really. I won’t hold it against you.

J – Just...lame. Randy’s promo was pathetic. It was basically “Remember me? I’m sort of bad ass and rebellious, yet I’m a good guy. Any who, Kane is mad at me but I frequently hit things I don't understand so I never found out why. And if he comes out here to explain why, I'll probably hit him again. Orton smash! Orton know how to kill, Orton not know how to love.” Smart, that Randy Orton guy. Smart. Even better was Kane’s response, which was basically, “I can’t believe you forgot this! If I had a macaroni necklace for every time I listened to Adele and watched this clip over and over, I would have a week's worth of lunch and some awkward bowel movements. Also, did I look pretty, bald? It’s just that...it’s so hard not having hair and my father never lost his, and sometimes I get so self-conscious...no. We’re not going to cry, Kane. Suck it up. Be a big girl. Mr. Mitten Head is isn’t here to cuddle with. It’s us versus the world now. You can do it. Deep breath. Deep breath. Okay...okay. Sorry about that. So, yeah, we’re going to wrestle.”
Kane_GG150_7.jpg

K – Kane. Just putting that here so I can move on to the next letter. “K” words are hard to think of. Especially ones that I can bridge into things that make sense. Email me the best “K” words for my column and if I use yours, I’ll mention you. And don’t use “kick,” because that never works. I end up having to write like two sentences at least to tie it into what I’m talking about. Also, while you are sending me stuff, feel free to send me your new and gently used money. Thanks.

L – Love that Big Show wears camo. As if his giant ass could hide. Just his head alone is impossible to mistake. It looks like one of those giant hamburgers you get a free meal for finishing. Big Show has a Man vs. Food cranium. You know, I heard Native Americans use every part of the Big Show, even the eyes. True story.

M – Mark Henry had a nice little squash of Tatsu. Nice move to earn him some cred’ (that’s what all the kids are saying now) before joining Team Ace for WrestleMania. Plus, it goes a long way to healing his rep and maybe getting him back on track for a World Title run.

N – Noooo! Why did they have to sacrifice Tatsu?! I love this kid! Nothing is better than his Super Happy Fun Time American Bang Bang Cowboy Time Most Honorable Song. It’s amazing. It’s the audio equivalent of four new born kittens climbing all over each other. If Drew McIntyre’s song makes me want to fight and Khali’s song inspires World Peace (not the basketball player. He doesn’t need any more inspiration to be an air-ball chucking nut job), then Tatsu’s inspires Kitten Parties. Yes, that’s capitalized.

O – Oh wow, no doubt this will go well. Any time a company changes there product and renames it “The New...” whatever, it always works. Genius marketing. Small suggestion: change the domain name to CrystalWWE.com People love things with Crystal in the name. Pokemon Crystal was even kind of sort of good! I’m sure it’ll go well.

P – Pipe bomb. First, Jericho is really impressing me on the mic. I know I’ve hated on him since his return, but that’s for good reason. He’s done absolutely nothing and hasn’t said anything but lame platitudes and repeating a catchphrase that isn’t even a catchphrase. We can all agree on this, right? Okay, good. Jericho has really turned around since the C.M. Drunk story started on Monday. He put out definitive classic stuff here. I’m blown away. From the way he led the crowd into the C.M. Punk chant to put all the crowd on Punk’s side to his smirk that let everyone know just how proud of himself he was for hurting C.M. Punk, it was a masterwork. This gets better every week.

Q - Quotes.

Cody Rhodes: “This is chess, not checkers!” He’s a shotgun and forty iterations of the F-Word from being Denzel Washington. “Training Day” rules.

Booker T: “Tatsu better think like a Vega-matic and chop dis boy up!” Goodness...

R - Really?! I don’t know, loud commercial, what will happen when all three participants in the “End of an Era” match (is that really what WWE is calling this? Might as well call it "Everyone sucks but us. You can't play in our tree house. No girls allowed...match) get in the ring together? Will they square dance? Play jacks? No, I know! Battle rap! Everyone knows that’s how you build a WrestleMania match. I still remember Ricky Steamboat’s verse against Macho Man. Amazing stuff.

S - Sheamus vs. Jericho was okay, maybe above-average at best. I got the feeling from reading Jericho’s book that he sought out a guy like Sheamus to wrestle. He’s usually pretty eager to work with the new guys and put them over. If there’s anything positive you can say about Jericho, it’s that he has no problem putting over young talent. He sold very well for Sheamus, but the match just never clicked for me. I think it was a victim of circumstance. Being on Smackdown, having Daniel Bryan ringside...you knew how it was going to end. I just wasn’t able to suspend belief long enough. It was a good effort, though.

T - To surmise the amazing, hotly contested, bitter feud that is Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan, so far, it's Sheamus doesn’t like Daniel Bryan because...he’s short, or something? Apparently, Sheamus is an Amazon. Sheamus also doesn’t like Daniel Bryan...because he thinks A.J. should be in a Catholic School Girl’s uniform? Or, something? That doesn’t sound like a point of contention to me. That sounds like a fantasy. And, finally, Bryan’s side is “you don’t like me so I don’t like you.” This feud is as intense as the final round of Wheel Of Fortune. Pick "A" for you vowel, dammit! It's always "A!" ...Any who, how does a match make it to WrestleMania with this little hype? It’s like if a movie with $160 million dollar budget never aired a single commercial. I’m anti-sold on this match. I’d like to sell it back to them. No way I’m sitting through this makeshift disaster, even if I do like both of them.

U - Uh.....huh, what? Sorry, I was watching iCarly. It’s that episode where they go to the Dingo Company (a thin pastiche of Disney) to confront them about stealing their idea. Good episode...anyways, wrestling. Wrestling, wrestling, wrestling. Supposed to be talking about wrestling. Um...umm-ma...umm-ma...I like Sheamus’s American-colored trunks he wore when he was U.S. Champion. Remember those? Those were pretty cool. Cooooll. There’s an action figure where he’s wearing those. Been trying to find it...you know, this is getting a little too ”Tim and Eric” for me, move on to the next letter.

V - Very short. Smackdown felt short. Maybe it was because of how long they gave the main-event, or the horrid decision to run the Rock’s disaster of a “song,” but this Smackdown felt like it just started when it was ending. You how I know it was short? Because I’m rambling to fill up space. I even made fun of commercials and I still have space to kill. Ugh. This sucks.

W - Well...this column has ended. And hey! It wasn’t 3,000 words like the last one. It’s just...oh...2,400 words. Well...look! A unicorn!

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: You wonder if Santino Marella has been frozen in Carbonite since 1995. Couldn’t you see him wrestling for the Intercontinental Title at In Your House? Or, tag teaming with someone to wrestle the Godwins?

Z – Zero: The number of times I refuse a trip to Walmart. American freaking heartland. I've seen a 40-year-old woman wearing tight, bedazzled jeans chain-smoking on her way in. Real John Mellencamp stuff there. And, yeah, they may pay people bad and blah blah blah, but if it makes my chocolate milk cheaper, than I’m all aboard. And, finally (because that was a little much), the excessive amount of parenthesis this week. Look at me mom, I’m typing English! (I’m not proud of this. If we cease using parenthesis, the terrorists win. They hate our freedom...to express semi-related thoughts through non-canonical tangents. Take this Osama! We’re comin’ for you!)

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]


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