Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 3/23
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – A.J. is adorable. Nothing she says can ever sound mean or evil. She’s like your grandma...but hot. Okay, besides the love hole, she’s nothing like your grandma, but I digress. Has anyone’s voice ever sounded more sugary sweet? Hearing her describe her relationship with Danny was like having a three-some with some Carebears. Chris Hanson is going to sign her to a bigger contract than Peyton Manning’s deal with Denver. Also, her eyebrows look like she finger-painted them on. Just thought I needed to express that sentiment.

B – But...I didn’t need to know that. I wonder what Daniel Bryan really whispered in A.J.’s ear.

Daniel Bryan: “Tell ‘em about that thing I do with my finger.”

A.J.: “That’s personal!”

Bryan: “I’m sorry, I but want to world to know how I help press the B button down on your Gameboy to help you catch Pokemon.”

A.J.: “That’s just an old myth, Danny...”

Bryan “But I still do it, my Bulbasaur. I still do it...”

C – Come on. I still don’t get the fervor behind the Bryan-Sheamus feud. Calling someone Danny instead of Daniel isn’t really the stuff of WrestleMania main-events. And, hey, I’m not so high and mighty that every feud has to be a meta commentary on Soviet era economic policies, but when we’re talking WrestleMania, you have to do better than that. I think it’s time we face facts that Sheamus is sort of terrible on the mic. He’s like that one friend who thinks he’s funny, but never really says a joke. “Did you see that thing about Snooki? Don’t...don’t even get me started on that! You know what I mean?” No...no I don’t. Sheamus would be smart to play up the more barbarian aspects of his character, because being human doesn’t work for him.

D – Did anyone notice Abraham Washington talking to Mark Henry? Is he the new Michael Tarver now? Doomed for eternity to reside three inches from the foreground playing “Words with Friends” on his phone? I’d also like to take this time to apologize because I totally typed “Byron Saxton” instead of Abraham Washington before backspacing. I’m going to consult my spiritual advisor and my inner circle to deal with this transgression. I’m also going to be checking into rehab for “exhaustion.” So...you know...it’s not my fault. Celebrity, blah blah blah. There, all better.

E – Epic. I love the music on the Hall of Fame videos. It’s like they have "The Fray" chained up in a basement somewhere, forced to make tear-inducing music on command. “Make a sappy piano song now! ...Dammit, that’s a major chord! Minor chords! Minor chords!” ... And, then they beat them with sticks and deny them food. That was fun. I like that joke.

F - Freaking amazing. Guys, I don’t know how Teddy Long’s team could lose. He’s got a giant Indian man who walks like Cotton Hill, a grown man who see’s nothing wrong with purple basketball shorts and orange sunglasses (and apparently was carrying a Gameboy in his pocket or was just happy to see Aksana), a little person who was granted the ability to talk by Santa Claus, and a weird amorphous ooze monster with a white question mark emblazoned across his chest like he wanted to be the Riddler for Halloween but only had black clothes and notebook paper. Good team. Solid team. What’s that? The other team has like four World Champions? Oh. Not good.

G - Grade C. Smackdown is so up and down, it’s ridiculous. Either Smackdown is mind-numbingly boring or super-interesting. It’s never in the middle, like Raw. In case you were wondering, this was boring. It was better than poking eye holes in a tortilla and putting on your face like a mask, but not as good as falling on bubble wrap. ... I need help.

H - Huh. A lot of people don’t know this, but that Teddy flag is actually a pair of Khali’s underwear. The brown spot was already there. On the subject of Khali, you gotta wonder what he was thinking in there. His inner monologue: “It seems I’ve been allotted the same sacred vestments as the loud orange one, who appears to be the leader. Have I been crowned a king? Or the next to be sacrificed? Must do more research to be sure. The Orange one has taught me a native phrase. It seems to be the only thing he says and it brings everyone great delight when I repeat it. Am I dooming myself? I must find a way home. I fear I’ve become insane talking to myself internally. Are these the thoughts of a mad man? ... Also, I should probably learn English. That - that would help.”

I – I always wondered how the Bellas designed their outfits. Whether or not something is covered by material seems almost random. They show their cleavage, belly button, and upper back, but cover everything else. I’m starting to think they designed these in cooperation with a class of 2nd graders making snowflakes. If these were made any way other than by folding up red material and haphazardly cutting triangles and holes, then it’s news to me.

J – Just want to add this: Stop bombarding me with commercials, Sony! I don’t want your stupid Vita! If I have to hear the phrase “coffee breath boss” one more time, I’m going to stab a puppy with a sharpened carrot. Stop it! Ehrm...thank you.

K – Kelly Kelly is taking notes somewhere in the back. “You spell Teddy with a ‘T?!' Amazing!” Those Bella girls are sweet. Can they never split or feud, though? No matter how hard WWE tries, they can’t give them personalities. Sorry, but once you're established as twins, that’s the extent of the character. “Twin” is a pretty big personality trait. How fair would it be if you got “twin” and “mean sort of?" Hmm? This is WWE. They don’t just give out personalities like cookies, okay? They only have so many ideas a year and it’s March, so...yeah. Don’t be greedy, Rockettes. (I realize in retrospect that that’s not really an insult but your mom, so shut up.) By the way, I would have used a reader-submitted “K” word here but Kelly Kelly fit so well. Sorry. Keep sending those along, by the way!

L – Lame. Are we really okay with this? Zack Ryder has a YouTube show printed on his ass and a code on his crotch. Ladies and gentlemen, your favorite wrestler. Beyond his ridiculous outfit, though, his match with Swagger wasn’t good. I’m not sure who was to blame here, but it wasn’t pretty. Ryder seemed way too stiff and Swagger seemed like he never really knew where to be. He either went through the spots way too slowly or just wasn’t ready. I know both of these guys can do better, let’s hope they do next week. Also, didn’t Ryder break his back a month ago? Even Batman sat out a few issues when Bane broke his back.

M – Man, that was brutal. I know Big Show and Kane tried, but it really sucks to watch two big guys lumber around the ring. It was like watching Optimus Prime trying to waltz with a helicopter. I’m not anti-either one of these guys, just don’t put them together. I mean, I completely ignored this match. That was the goal, right?

N – Nope. Not gonna comment on Cody Rhodes running in shirtless. Not gonna do it. Going to keep my bearing about me and act professional.

O – Oh my gosh, did you see him?! Whooo! ...Sorry. I tried.

P – Please let that be an actual disco ball for Brodus. This is so awesome! (Note: I realize it’s not that awesome for anyone eating in the first three rows. There’s no way I can choke down a pretzel staring at his blobby, egg-shaped torso that close to my face. It’s like having a staring contest with Michael Moore’s man boobs.. And, if you didn’t cough up whatever you were eating when you saw how clearly defined his “junk” was tonight, you might need help.) Funkin’ Funkasaurus time! God, I love this man so much. Not in a Cody Rhodes way, in a “you bring happiness to my life” way. Which, in retrospect makes me sound like a sad, lonely, weird person, but whatever. He’s awesome, though! And, did you hear that reception he got?! That, my friends, was a pop. That pop was at least two-and-a-half orgasms on The Rock scale. WWE needs more Funkasaurus ASAP. And, t-shirts that I can buy way too small and squeeze into them when I go downtown. And, an action figure. My Twitter followers already know I have the Brodus figure, but it’s time for a Funky figure.

Q - Quotes.

Booker: “I had a dream about you last night...I’ll tell you about it later.” Nooo! Loose plot threads! Don’t leave me hanging, Booker! I need resolution! Also, what the hell is wrong with Booker?

Booker: “Bowled down like a bowlin’ pin!” As opposed to...?

R - Really putting myself out there. Yes, my love of Brodus goes beyond the stretches of letters. I need more space for my love. I really believe that if he’s booked right, Brodus can be the big time money-maker WWE is looking for. This guy can be a merchandising bonanza (I can’t believe I just used that in a relevant sentence). The thing about the Funkasaurus is he really cuts through the age demographics. There’s enough pure fun and silliness to keep the kid’s eyes on him and more than enough badassery with his sick tats and moves to retain the attention of tweens and early teens. And, most importantly, Brodus grabs the slowly-slipping away 12-to-32-year-old market. Brodus is truly post-irony. Unlike Santino’s character, where everyone is in on the joke (including Santino, it seems at times), there is no silver lining to be had. No ulterior motive, no catch. He’s simply himself. He’s a guy who likes to have a good time and kick ass. It’s so boldly literal that even jaded 20-somethings have to respect it. He simply just is, and that’s all we need.

S - Seriously, despite how many tweets they claim to have about “the new WWE.com,” no one is that excited. I’ve never, eeevvveerrr seen someone tweet about it. And, anways, the shows are average to above-average, at best, and most of the improvements are things most websites had five years ago. It just feels like an easy fix up to impress investors so they don’t abandon them because of the Network snafu.

T - Totally don’t hate it. I’m starting to get a few nuggets of goodness from the Undertaker-Triple H match. As always, the feuds are way better with sepia tone, echoed voices, and music. Wouldn’t it be much easier if WWE just skipped all the preamble next year and just went right to the badass video? That’d save me a lot of slamming my head against the wall. I do like this, though. I like the idea that the Hell In A Cell is intertwined with both of their histories, thus making this some sort of Ultimate Battle for Ultimate Supremacy...or something. Not bad. Not bad at all...

U - Ultimate party guy. Lord Tensai is the poster boy for not falling asleep at parties. That must have took like three, four Sharpies minimum. I would’ve drawn penises, but Japanese characters are cool, too.

V - Very good selling. That’s the nicest thing I have to say about Khali-Ziggler. I mean, hey, he made Khali look pretty good. I think there’s definitely a pattern developing of putting Khali with smaller, athletic, more exciting sellers. Not a bad formula. I just wish Khali could win a few matches if only just to make his matches a little more exciting.

W - Why is The Miz in this tag match main event? Bryan has a thing with Sheamus, makes sense. Punk had a thing with Bryan. Sure. Bryan has hit bit with Sheamus. But, where does the Miz fit in? Does Jericho not “do Tuesdays?” Is he busy promoting his average band and acting like he has big things going on? Just because you do a bad game show and Dancing With The C-Listers doesn’t mean you’re busy, Chris. Sorry.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: You correctly identified Teddy’s outfit as the one I once referred to as “looking like he leaned against a newly painted fence.” -10 cool points if you remember that. Liking my column is anti-cool.

Z – Zero: The number of weird Cody Rhodes paragraphs in this column. I’m proud of myself. The number of people that won’t laugh at the lack of hair on Taker’s head this Sunday. And, finally, the percentage of people that understood why Miz was in the main-event. It’s okay, I don’t either.

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Travis Beaven (c) PWTorch.com]

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