Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 3/26
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Ah, the hollow team of Daniel Bryan and Kane. I wonder if Daniel Bryan is offended by having to team up with Leather Face. You know, since I heard this rumor that he’s vegan. I wonder why they don’t mention that on TV all the time? Anyway, is this the most odd tag team in WWE history? I mean, besides Owen Hart and Koko B. Ware, of course. Daniel Bryan, a tiny, liberal vegan with a high school girlfriend and a strange obsession with dragons, couldn’t be any more different than Kane, a former evil dentist turned doppelganger, turned burned demon brother of a zombie, complete with melted candle face, welders mask, and for some reason, a wig. Because you can only be evil if you have long hair, apparently. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? '80s sitcom! “Bryan and Kane! Bryan and Kane! More different than rainbow and plain! One is giant and a zombie, tooooo, one likes lettuce and dislikes zooooooossss...Bryan and Kane! Bryan and Kane! More different than sun and rain!” That’s there theme song...I’ll stop now.

B – Beh. That’s “eh” for people who need to use a “b” word. It’s interesting that Orton/Sheamus vs. Bryan/Kane kicked off the show. Basically, WWE has given up on either of these matches catching a real audience and are just giving them away for free to get them out of the way. I mean, why else would you have these guys fight each other a week before their WRESTLEMANIA MATCH? This defeats any build-up or excitement whatsoever for their respective matches. I’m glad WWE is saying which matches don’t matter, though. Makes it easier.

C – Come on. Not even Michael Cole knows what the Kane-Orton match is about. He actually said this. “They’ve been going at it for weeks over who’s bigger, badder and better!” So, it’s a crazy contest? I don’t know why this deserves to be at WrestleMania other than because both guys want money. It’s funny that with infinite time to think WrestleMania through all year, they go with this - a rush job that has the subtext of a Bernstein Bears book. Maybe it’s mostly there for the kids who still wet their Power Ranger pajamas when they see Kane, and that’s okay, but I’ll pass.

D – Does anyone else think A.J. looks like Francine from “Arthur?" “Hey! What a wonderful time of dayyyy, to have a rasta song on a kid’s show, because it is coooll mannnn.”

E – Even better the second time. Otunga’s half-shirt is epic. It looks like a sex bib. Otunga: Now available for Bachelorette parties! I completely forgot that David Otunga was a back-up dancer on “In Living Color.” Nice Manzierre...or do you call it a Bro? Lord knows Otunga’s pecs hang down enough to need some lift. Gravity is not kind to his man breasts. Otunga looked like Rosie Perez from “White Men Can’t Jump”...or every Rosie Perez movie, I suppose. She had the range of Pokemon Walkie-Talkie (stupid thing couldn’t even hear my friend on the other side of the park). Also, ten points to Otunga for doing what any man with a large flagpole would do: put it on his crotch like it’s his penis. Ahh, good times.

F - For shore. I guess I can stomach Taker-Triple H. I think it’ll be remembered as the all-time missed opportunity in terms of build-up. Taker clearly wasn’t ready to get on the mic again and they over-thought this feud. Or, did they under-think it? They copied everything from last year but some odd, confusing promos that felt way too personal. I guess they over-thought the under-thinking? Either way, they had a chance to clearly define this feud, but they meandered around and danced circles over the real bread and butter of this: Two men who helped define WWE for two decades meeting in the match they both mastered. They didn’t even get to the gist of that gooey center until last week and, as usual, WWE’s editing department managed to take months of yadda yadda yadda and skip to the good stuff. I’m going to watch it and probably like it, but I’ll always know they botched the build-up a bit.

G - Grade C-. As a PPV hype show, this failed. But, luckily, WWE doesn’t need to sell the next PPV. WrestleMania sells itself. Let’s be honest, you don’t have to rope in buyers for WrestleMania. It’s WrestleMania. More people than ever are going to buy it just because of the nature of the event. The pre-WM show’s only purpose is to accent the event. Add a little more intrigue. But, sell the event, you don’t have to. The only problem is, not only did this not sell the event, it didn’t even accent it. It was better than reading three-month-old magazines in a waiting room, but not as good as trying to guess what that weird meat sort of thing on your pizza is. You ordered pepperoni, but that doesn’t look like a pepperoni. It tasted good. You don’t see anymore. Did I just eat ham? No...couldn’t be.

H - Huh. I guess Kelly Kelly vs. Eve was okay, but, seriously, is Kelly Kelly’s finisher the roll-up? This is getting ridiculous. If I could find a bookie that would take bets on fake sports, I’d place $200 on Kelly winning her Mania match with a roll-up. I’d also check myself into a rehab center, because you know you have problem when you bet on fake sports. That’s like taking prop bets on movies...though, now that I think about it, I could get rich off the bets on “Bending the Rules.” $100 says Edge’s character falls in love with a villainous woman they’re after. I practically wrote this movie!

I – I think WWE is a little confused. You know you just put on a lame, self-serving “documentary” about Rock and Cena before this, right? I don’t know why they think people need more reminders. If it wasn’t your “documentary,” it’s the Toys-R-Us display, you incessant tweeting, and every Raw in history. If you don’t know Rock and Cena are wrestling, you’re (a) an astronaut or (b) dead...or I suppose (c) A combination of both. This is bordering on overkill. Wait, let me re-write that. It was bordering on overkill two months ago. Now, I flat out hate it for no reason. You did this to me. You turned me to the dark side! Give in to your anger!

J – Just curious: why was what Chris Jericho said so bad? Unless you’re an ultra-conservative zealot, does anybody care about what Jericho told Punk? It makes it seem like Punk is 20 times more upset about a meh joke than the weeks of much worse insults. Just sayin’. I’d be more insulted if someone called me fat than that. I’d be more insulted if someone said I had just okay posture. Cheese this. That’s not to say Jericho-Punk isn’t good, or even great. It just feels like he’s reaching here. Maybe open with the bastard bit and save the dad or sister stuff for the pre-Mania Raw. I feel like he did this in the wrong order. Still, it was a great way to show Punk’s absolute vigor and it was the perfect way to explain away Christian while still keeping him in our consciousness. This match can be epic. Also, Christian’s hair was silly. Total Joey Lawrence hair (Whoa!).

K - Kickin’ it on-set. (I know I promised I wouldn’t use “Kickin’” again, but it works here. And, I thought of it on my own! Whoo!) I like how Jericho always has lights and various movie equipment behind him, as if he's hosting an instructional DVD. Like he’s going to slowly turn to camera and say, "Oh, hi, didn't see you there. I'm Chris Jericho, from TV, and I'm here on behalf of my friends at KFC to teach you about hand washing." Or, even better, “Hi, I'm Chris Jericho, you may remember me from such how to videos as ‘How To Make Return Vignettes That Go Nowhere’ and 'Shiny Jackets: America’s Sweethearts.' But, I’m here today to talk about something serious: mopping techniques.” That last part was 50 percent PWTorch contributor Michael Cupach (@MJCupach). He’s funny. Anywho, where is Jericho doing these from? You're telling me of all the places he could have picked, he went with “television equipment storage room?" It looks like Quentin Tarantino’s sex dungeon. “Oh yeah, 16mm film...ugh yes! Yes! Yes!” It just makes him look like a B-List actor giving a testimonial rather than a menacing villain.

L – Love. If Cody Rhodes didn’t exist (this would be the darkest timeline, complete with felt beards), I’d happily marry Funkasaurus. He’s just so damn infectious. I’m glad to see he’s getting actual matches, too! His development is fantastic. He’s starting to get a tight moveset down and gathering quite a following. The guy gets some impressive pops. Funkasaurus, keep on bein’ funk-kay.

M – Man, those tag team championships are cursed, aren’t they? I get the logic of making Big Show look strong to remind viewers just what he’s capable of against Cody, but at the expense of the tag champions? I would be more upset, but Cody is on the screen. Shush.

N – Nothing better than Rhodes. Rhodes killed that promo. He just sounds so natural. So effortless. You get the feeling that if he weren't a WWE Superstar, he’d be training to be one. There’s nothing else he was born to do. A lot of guys go an entire career looking for that sweet spot, that mythical groove, as it were, where you block out the people, the pressure, and the nerves and just simply are. Cody lives in that zone. It’s funny that for the second year in a row, his “throwaway” match is one of the best-hyped on the WrestleMania card. Rhodes makes his name off WrestleMania matches and Sunday will be no different. I can’t wait 'till next year when he finally gets a main-event slot and main-event TV time to sell his feud.

O – Oh, hey there Bella #1, Bella #2. What’s that? “[Exposition exposition exposition]” Yeah? What do you think Bella #2? “[Exposition exposition exposition] [Thing that makes me seem different than the other Bella, but not really]” Cool story, bro.

P – Perhaps Eve might want to heavily invest in condoms. Zack Ryder should not be allowed to reproduce. His genetic code is absolutely poisonous. That’s like letting that miserable asshole from “Green Eggs and Ham” breed. That annoying kid should jump off a cliff. "I don’t want green eggs, you sicko." I think he was trying to kill that guy.

Q - Quotes.

Booker (after Jerry Lawler derided Cole’s “Team Johnny shirt” by remarking “look at his shirt!”): “Look at his face!” Passive aggressive much?

Lawler (upon hearing McIntyre will be the last member of Team Johnny): “Drew McIntyre?” Could you be any less supportive? What a douche.

Booker: “Oh he just splatted dat boy Mark Henry!” Another genius Booker-ism.

R - Really nasty. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Khali is disgusting. Putting him with Mark Henry doesn’t help. Just...just a vomit-inducing get-together. It’s like watching a pregnant T-Rex protect her nest from the robot from “Real Steel.” Thank goodness someone put a t-shirt on Khali. I couldn’t bear to look at his flattened, chewed bubblegum nipples any longer.

S - So...I like it! Booker fits Teddy’s team so well. And, by that, I mean he’s a confusing novelty act with more hair and merchandise than brains. I’d love to watch Team Teddy play Scrabble together.

Kofi: “For the fifteenth time Hornswoggle, ‘unhuhun’ isn’t a word. You can’t play that!”

Swoggle: “You didn’t say no foreign words!”

Kofi: “That’s not a foreign language. That’s the sound a back-up dancer makes during a rap song. And, little people aren’t foreign!”

Booker: “Dats okay dawg, ‘cause I’m abouts to bring this down right here...ifyouknowwhatI’msayin’!”

Kofi: “Booker, ‘mah’ isn’t a word. And dammit Zack, stop hogging all the ‘W’s.'”

Ryder: “It’s not me, Kof-ski, it’s Little Jimmy!”

Truth: “Jimmy wants to turn the W’s into M’s so he can pretend they’re candy.”

Kofi: “No! That’s not a thing! That’s not even funny, that’s just mentally unstable. As the only sane member, I quit.”

Booker: “...Dats okay dawg, hows about we get back to this game of Jenga!”

Ryder: “I thought we were playing Tic-tac-bro?”

Kofi (from outside): “Scrabble! The game you’re playing is called Scrabble!”

I can just smell my Pulitzer Prize...

T - Taking bets. Speaking of bets, one bet I’d love to place is trying to guess what weird, nonsensical phrase The Rock will attempt to trend. I got money on #CornChipCock, #AntBalls, and #BigMacBitch. Ante up, gentlemen.

U - Ugh, I lost. I’m sorry, the correct answer was #CivilWarPie. Again, #CivilWarPie. Thanks for playing. I wonder if you could beat Rock with a logic loop like a robot. “Now trending on Twitter is now trending on Twitter." “Does not compute!”

V - Very sad. Who are these people that actually chant with Rock? Who is actually yelling “Boots to Asses?!" These must be the same people who still use MySpace and carry around Zunes. Oh, and put the collar on your polo shirt down, dammit!

W - Well, it was underwhelming. I know, I know, I’m biased against Rock, blah blah blah. You’re right, I am. I dislike what he’s become: a pandering, greedy, ego monster. The Rock never used to rest on his laurels like this...or, did he? Are we letting time distort everything? Hasn’t Rock always been the same gay-bashing, catch-phrase machine? Was he ever really that entertaining? Or, was he simply a product of his time. A loud-mouth, cursing machine who crossed the line at a time when not crossing the line was unacceptable. Fact is, The Rock has always been corny. It was just much more entertaining when people saying “poo” and naming their penis still made us giggle. Rock is not my cup of tea and everything he’s said since he returned didn’t help. Cena was more grounded, smarter in his promos, and relied less on lame catchphrases, recalls, and shock tactics (though he had his fair share of terrible jokes). I just don’t get off on the Rock’s self-serving shtick. You can if you want, but this writer has tuned him out. I can't wait until this is over.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Raw when: You thought this show might as well not existed. Everyone that’s going to buy WrestleMania is already going to.

Z – Zero: The times I didn’t laugh when Lawler called Hawkins “Curtis.” The number of words in Rock’s song. That’s so you can’t tell how many times it repeats while he pauses for the crowd to sort of but not really chant for him. The percentage of Raw columns for the next few weeks. Intrigue! To be continued!

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Travis Beaven (c) PWTorch.com]

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