Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 3/30
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Angry. WWE is purposely trying to mess with me. Zack Ryder first, huh? On a show that is mostly video packages? You know how to earn my vitriol, WWE. Be ready, WWE. This is going to be ugly...like Zack Ryder’s new tights. A cartoon face with sunglasses on his crotch? Classy, my friend, classy. Oh, and the orange and gray works for you. Don’t worry that you look color-blind/unable to dress yourself, you’re still a shining star in my eyes.

B – Bitterly impressed. You know (and this may be the pizza talking), for a match between a man who has no qualms about placing logos on his crotch and the complexion of a raw pepperoni and a man with beautiful lady hair and legs like a mutated spider, it wasn’t half-bad. Zack played the face well and Drew’s not a bad seller. Sure, he took the Broski Boot half-assed (in his defense, Ryder is super stiff with that kick) and I’m giving them backhanded compliments, but it really was decent.

C – Come party in Miami! Whoo! Jerry Lawler loves it in Miami. Everywhere else he goes in that shirt, he looks like a douche. In Miami, it's the dress code. Add in the fact that wearing shirts with a gym’s logo on it is the norm and fanny packs aren’t that weird there, and Miami is a wrestling paradise. The graveyard they have at Axxess sounds pretty cool, if only to see how they kayfabe Triple H’s other tombstone. They’d etch Chris Benoit’s name in that before Triple H’s. It probably says something like “your mom,” or more amusingly, “Miz’s career.” By the way, while I’ll probably be incredibly passive-aggressive in this column because of how much I despise these “clip shows,” it should be noted that they are really fun to mock. I don’t know how much mileage I can get out of this (which has never stopped me before. I’ve rambled more about less) but dammit, I’ll try.

D – Did that Taker-Hunter video seem even cooler the second time around? The video department hit another home run this year. It’s not as good as the “Ain’t No Grave” video, but nothing is. I feel like using Metallica might be hitting the nail on the head just a little too well, though. Could they have used a more universally loved band for 40-something pro wrestlers living in the past? They might as well have showed them picking up their kids from soccer practice and going into their garage to drink a few beers and get away from their family, counting down the days until they get to be on the road again and remembering how cool life was when they could just listen to Metallica cassettes all day dragging on a Newport instead of drinking green tea and jogging because the ol’ ball and chain says cigarettes are bad or something and it “might affect the children” even though they had their first cigarette when they were 14 and nothing happened to them and even though they love their family they wish they could tell that 14-year-old them to never get married and keep banging bar chicks as long as possible because before you know it, you’ll be sitting in a garage sneaking beers and listening to Metallica on something called an iPod that you don’t really know how to use but you try to make your sister-in-law happy, but, honestly, you just want things to be like they used to be. ...That got pretty depressing, didn’t it? I’m oddly proud of how sad and weirdly funny that was. I think it’s a cry for help.

E – Eww. What is wrong with Jerry Lawler? “She can kick my butt any time!” Whoa, Jerry...whoa. What a freak. I bet his house is in the shape of a giant “back massager.” The pervert bit isn’t cute anymore Jerry...now it’s just weird.

F - For real. I heard “The Rock Experience” thing at Axxess is great. Not only do you get to sign over your soul to The Rock, but at the end of the tour, you get to squeeze some lotion of your hand and make the actual Rock feel good while he recites his catchphrases! He calls this “a promo.” Fascinating. Also, for two dollars extra, Rock will let you smell his fingers! What a guy!

G - Grade F. As in F you WWE. It was better than cutting my face off, but not as good as the rash I got from wearing tin foil on my head during this episode.

H - Hate this. Forcing viewers to watch all this build-up for these great matches and then not being able to see them is brutal. Like when you see the fireman come in with his giant (fire) hose, but you turned it off after the busty blond said she has a fire in her crotch. Disappointing. I have to know how the woman pays for her pizza! Credit?! Check?! Tell me!

I – I hate the idea the people declare themselves “Team Johnny” or “Team Teddy.” I can so see WWE thinking “Team X” is totally cool to say. “Isn’t that what the kids who watch Twilight post on their MySpaces!” Didn’t the Simpsons finally parody it like a couple of months ago? You know you’re not cool when the modern-day Simpsons beat you to a pop-culture reference. Also, anybody else think “Team Johnny” is really just another name for the Rock’s shlong? He has quite a male sex organ obsession.

J – Jump! Every time Kofi Kingston does an awesome jump, I want to compare it to some awesome animal or something, but I’m worried it’d be racist. So...he jumps like a spring...that’s pushed down then let go...yay Obama!

K – Kind of bored. Is anyone seriously watching this Smackdown anyway? Is there a point to me writing this? I guarantee if you’ve made it this far in my column than you’ve already paid more attention to this than Smackdown. Does it even matter what I write here? The next letter will be about the fish we had when I was a child.

L – Loved fish when I was a kid. As an adult I realize they are a moronic pet and really only serve to accentuate rapper’s living rooms, but as a child my innocence was still captured by these swimming angels. (Mental note: potential book title/Lifetime movie “Swimming Angels.” Plot to involve literal angels? Dead parents trapped in their orphan son’s goldfish? Consult Oprah.) My family had a couple fish. We had these badass tiger fish. They had stripes and everything. Well, they did until my brother’s fighting fish ate them. Talk about creating a complex: my brother’s fish avatar literally ate mine. I’m surprised I haven’t tried murdering him yet. Anywho, we put his fish in a separate bowl, but it was too late. The tiger fish had like one fin and though it was funny to watch him swim, it was cruel. The moral of this story is that Smackdown is a boring clip show and no one is going to read this. The end.

M – Man, it must suck to shave your chest if you’re Big Show. So much real estate...it’s like skinning a lion. If his wife willingly volunteers to shave that, then they’re in love. Aside from completely mean and uncalled for Big Show jokes, I liked his promo. It’s about time he replied to Cody Rhodes. The feud’s really been a bit one-sided. It’s nice to hear Big Show defend himself, though I feel like this is very obviously setting up for a big Rhodes win. Though, it would hurt Big Show doubly. (I didn’t believe that was a real word in high school. I once argued with my 11th grade math teacher about this at length. Everyone in the class thanked me afterward because we didn’t do any work that day. You’re welcome. And yeah, I was a douche in high school. Teachers hated me.) And, it doesn’t make sense to show his shortcomings AND let him lose again, but there’s no other way around it. You can’t cut Cody’s legs out from under him like that.

N – Nothing better than hearing Lawler awkwardly saying rapper names. If I had a nickel for every time Lawler mispronounced MGK or Flo-Rida, I’d be magic, because that’s not something that’s real. I bet if he was announcing Girl Scout cookie names, Lawler would have the inflection down perfect. He’d even use proper French enunciation. By the way, while we are at it, can Lawler stop lying about going to YouTube? You still give out URLs by starting with "HTTP colon slash slash www dot..." Jerry, there’s no way you’ve been to YouTube.

O – Oh F you guys. No way I’m watching this disaster and an additional two-hour preview show. I’m barely motivated to watch the dark match. By the way, official team name for Gabriel/Kidd: Team Good Hair. Not Great Hair, that’s Team Johnny. Additional names include: “Who?” “The NXT All-Stars,” “Gab-Kidd,” and “Haha Heath Slater."

P – Pretty good. Only WWE's Editing team could make Daniel Bryan shouting “Yes! Yes! Yes!” look menacing. That was extraordinary. I need to hire them to make a montage of my day. I can see it now...I get up to make toast. The toast goes down slow as the screen turns grey scale. The sound the toaster handle makes going down is echoed like 50 times. While it toasts, close-ups of the bread intercut with me saying “Where’s the butter” are played, with my line obviously being made to sound deep, manly, and evil. Finally, it comes up and everything goes quiet. Some weird angelic, dark, vocal harmony is playing. Camera is just swooping 360 degrees around the toaster. Then I say “toast time!” very effeminately (they’ll make it sound cool) as pounding drums kick in and every goes sepia while I butter it. Finally, I take a bite and laugh. The screen goes black and my laugh echoes. ...And, that’s just breakfast. WWE’s editing guys rule.

Q - Quotes.

Charles Cress: "Why does this exist?!" Yeah that's right, just got meta on your ass.

R - Really awesome. I’m thrilled Arn Anderson is going to be in the Hall of Fame with the Horsemen. Is there anything Arn Anderson can’t make awesome? He just has this way of talking where everything sounds so important or dramatic. He’s like the guy from “America’s Most Wanted,” but less nasally. Arn sold me during the bit for Taker-HHH. I mean, not literally sold me. WWE is moronic if they think anyone watching this awful show isn’t already buying WrestleMania. Who watches this and goes “I guess I’ll try this wrestling thing...$65? That’s a perfectly reasonable price to pay to try something for the first time!” I feel like there’s a joke I’m leaving on the table here with virgins and prostitutes, but I’ll stop while I’m ahead. High road. I always take the high road.

S - So, I’m running out things to write about this. There’s only so many jokes I can make about highlight packages. Just pretend all of this is brilliant comedy, okay? Okay. Cool. Cool cool cool.

T - To infinity and beyond! Jericho and Kofi put on another nice match. Kofi is a great choice to get Jericho back into the swing of things. A hyper-athletic seller who can keep Chris on his toes should easily get him in shape for Punk. Good chemistry here.

U - Ugh, I can’t believe I’ve made it this far into this show. I bet your loving this, aren’t you? You’re sick. You’re basically reading my suicide note, minus the pleas for Cody Rhodes to attend my funeral and sing “Kiss From A Rose”...and he HAS to do the high part. How I’ve managed to write 2,000 words about this I’ll never know. It either means I’m great at writing about nothing or I’m a terrible writer...just in general. I bet there’s better things you could be doing right now. A rousing game of “Kick the Can” maybe? You won’t do that, will you? You’re going to keep reading about how miserable I am, aren’t you? Sicko.

V - Very sad. This? Again? They’re seriously re-airing the Rock promo in its entirety? When did WWE start doing this? I don’t remember them ever doing this until this year. You know, WWE, if I wanted to see this, I would’ve watched Raw. They’re trying to make me wear tin foil on my head and jump off something, aren’t they? Well you know what, you win. Bring me the Reynold’s Wrap!

W - Wow. I made it. It’s over! Whoo! Take that aliens trying to steal my brain with soda cans in the tune of A Minor! I’m not crazy...promise...

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: You need a post-WrestleMania break like The Undertaker. Over 200 hundred columns in one year. Three times a week for the majority of that time...time to work on my beach bod. By which I mean sit at home and drink Sobe. Same thing, more or less. This will also give me time to work on my chewed gum sculpture of Cody Rhodes. I got the idea from Helga on “Hey Arnold."

Z – Zero: The amount of attention I paid to this episode. I flipped back and forth between this and “Space Jam.” The number of other PWTorch people who willingly covered this “episode." I better get a promotion to Executive Secretary of Tomfoolery at least, I’ll take Senior Coordinator of Shenanigans, though.

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Travis Beaven (c) PWTorch.com]

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