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By Wade Keller, Torch editor

KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT
MAY 29, 2003
TAPED TUESDAY IN PENSACOLA, FLA.

-After a recap of the Vince McMahon-Mr. America-Zach Gowen storyline, the sweet new opening to Smackdown aired. Then Michael Cole and Tazz introduced the show. Strangely, the Smackdown graphic said they were "Live from Pensacola, Fla." If live means "this happened 48 hours ago," then it was live. They previewed the main event of Brock Lesnar & Undertaker vs. The FBI (2 on 3).

-Sable came out as Tazz and Cole plugged the Raw magazine with her on the cover and her performance in the bikini contest. Sable entered the ring, posed just like a Barbie doll come to life with flexible hinges, and then harassed Tazz. "Did you miss me?" she asked. Tazz said, "Yeah, kinda like a bad rash." Sable introduced Torrie, insulting her appearance in the process. Then she introduced Nidia, saying that she needed to talk to her later about fashion.

1 -- NIDIA (w/Jamie Noble) vs. TORRIE WILSON

They noticed Zach Gowen in the crowd. Torrie opened with armdrags and chops. Nidia slipped up when avoiding a charge by Torrie, but recovered nicely with a shoulder tackle and vertical suplex. Torrie sold a knee injury on a leap frog. The ref checked on her. Jamie told Nidia to attack Torrie anyway. Nidia did just that. They ended up rolling around the mat with the referee in the middle, which got some laughs. Noble hit Torrie from behind, giving Nidia a chance for a cheap rollup victory. Tazz popped Noble at ringside for his interference. Sable tossed water on Tazz. Torrie, still selling a bad knee, threw a water bottle at Torrie.

WINNER: Nidia at 3:21.

STAR RATING: 3/4* -- Short, but solid match structure and execution.

-Vince McMahon's limo pulled up. He got out and stretched and told his driver he'd appreciate if he opened the door for him from now on. The driver wanted to move the limo because it was in front of a handicapped sign. Vince said to leave the car where it is because "I'm Mr. McMahon," adding that he wouldn't be long because it wouldn't take long to prove Mr. America was really Hulk Hogan.

[commercial break]

-Stephanie was testing the lie detector machine backstage. When asked if she's ever cheated on her taxes, she ripped off the velcro and wouldn't answer any more questions. Vince McMahon has always made a big deal out of never cheating on his taxes because he knew if the government could ever get to him, that would be the way they'd try so he's actually openly challenged the IRS to audit him because he's squeaky clean. I say that because I'm surprise Steph would even joke about that on the air, acting as if she had something to hide.

-Team Angle talked to each other about how they wanted to regain the tag belts this week so they wouldn't let Kurt Angle down when he returned next week.

-Eddie Guerrero praised Tajiri for dressing up like Latino Heat. Tajiri did his exaggerated cartoonish laughs as he showed off to Eddie that he stole someone's car keys. "We lie, we cheat, we steal," said Tajiri. Guerrero said like a proud older brother, "He learns so fast."

-A plug aired for Rey Mysterio's 619 video, now available at Best Buy, Shopzone.com, and "other stores where videos are sold."

[commercial break]

2 -- EDDIE GUERRERO & TAJIRI vs. TEAM ANGLE - WWE Tag Team Title match

Team Angle came to the ring first. Eddie & Tajiri drove to the ring in their "stolen Cadillac pick-up" that just happened to be all bouncy. Team Angle attacked before the bell aggressively. At 3:30 they cut to commercial.

[commercial break]

Tajiri took a beating during the body of the match as Team Angle worked over his knees and legs with various holds. Tajiri hot-tagged Guerrero at 11:00, showing good hot-tag fire. Guerrero gave Haas his consecutive unreleased triple vertical suplex series, a much safer version of the three German suplex series. Guerrero went to the top rope, kicking Benjamin out of his path first, then hit a Frog Splash for a near fall. Benjamin dove into the ring to make the save at 12:30. Tajiri then saved Guerrero from a pin when Benjamin kicked Guerrero and Haas bridged. Guerrero hot-tagged Tajiri at 13:30 and nailed Haas with an enzuigiri. Haas reversed Tajiri into a Northern Lights Suplex for a near fall (Cole didn't know the name, but Tazz called it by name a few seconds later). Tajiri nailed Haas with a sidekick. Guerrero then dove off the top rope onto Benjamin at ringside. Haas, though, put Tajiri in his House of Pain submission hold in center ring and the bell rang. The ref seemed confused because he didn't order the bell to be rung. Guerrero went to his Haas with the title belt. They had a tug-o-war. Guerrero then pretended to have been hit with the belt. He laid on his back. The ref turned around, saw Haas with the tag belt, and the ref called for the DQ.

WINNERS: Guerrero & Team Angle at 15:51.

STAR RATING: ***1/4 - Very good tag match. The work on Tajiri's leg got a bit tedious, but it was much more tolerable in the big picture since Tajiri sold that leg for the rest of the entire match, including in the spot near the end where he appeared to be about to submit to lose the tag belts. Well constructed match and, with these four, obviously well executed.

-Josh Matthews interviewed Zach Gowen at ringside (five years ago the Vegas odds on those two being on UPN together tonight were 99 gazillion-to-1.) and asked him about being arrested last week. Zach said the charges were dropped, but this week he bought a front row ticket so Vince can't throw him out. He did say he was very worried that America wouldn't pass the lie detector test because that would mean he would never get a chance at a WWE contract. "I'm scared as hell," he said. Zach should come across as more sympathetic than he does.

-Vince McMahon swaggered to the ring and explained his master plan to get rid of Mr. America and Hulk Hogan on the same night. McMahon noticed Zach in the crowd and told him the one thing he and Hulk would have in common after the lie detector test is over is "neither one of you will have a leg to stand on." He added with chuckle, "I can't believe I just said that, but I did." Then he introduced nonchalantly, "Mr. America." America walked out. McMahon said he makes all of his employees take a lie detector test because "if there's one thing I hate, it's a liar." He told America "for the first time in your life, tell the truth."

-Are you the man known as Mr. America? Yes. (ping!)

-Are you currently sitting in a wrestling ring in Pensacola, Fla.? Yes. (ping!)

-Are you currently employed on Smackdown? Yes. (ping!)

Vince insisted the administrator ask him the key question:

-Mr. America, are you Hulk Hogan? (pause as Vince smiled in anticipation and Zach rubbed his face nervously) "Could I please have a drink of water?" America asked. McMahon then asked him, "Are you Hulk Hogan!?" America paused again, and then said, "No." The lie detector pinged as if it were a positive response. The administrator said that meant he was telling the truth. Vince went mad. He asked him again. America said "No" again and it pinged. "No no no no no." (ping ping ping ping).

The administrator said Mr. America has passed the lie detector test. Vince's jaw dropped. Cole and Tazz said they were dumbfounded. Vince then insisted they strap him into the test to prove he can pass it. "These are inadmissable in court for very good reason because people like you can lie through their teeth," he said. He told the administrator to ask him anything.

-Are you Vince McMahon? Yes. (ping)

-Are you the chairman of the WWE? Yes. (ping)

America then interjected and said, "Let me ask you something brother... Are you the biggest asshole on god's green earth." No. (buzz!)

The crowd laughed. Hogan asked, "Are you a sick, perverted, power-hungry freak?" No! (buzz). Tazz and the crowd laughed.

Vince said he doesn't know what went wrong, but "I am a well-respected businessman the world over and... (buzz) and what I do I do for each and every one of you all over the world (buzz)... okay, that was an overstatement... most of you (buzz)... some of you (buzz)... Okay, what I do I do for me only (ping). I am no pervert. (buzz)."

America asked McMahon if he spends most of his free time pleasuring himself looking at Torrie Wilson's Playboy. "No I don't. (buzz). Okay, but it was a long time ago. (buzz). It was last month (buzz). It was earlier this morning (buzz). It was in the limo on the way over (ping). That doesn't make me a pervert because anybody can have a fantasy about Torrie Wilson. At least I don't fantasize about the Mae Youngs of the world (buzz). I hate you, Hogan! (ping)."

Cole said America succeeded in embarrassing Mr. McMahon. America said that this proved he (America) is telling the truth and and McMahon is a liar. He punched McMahon, went to ringside to high-five Zach, and then posed on the stage. Corny, but fun.

[commercial break]

-Vince McMahon told Stephanie backstage that she was in charge of setting up the lie detector test and she signed Mr. America in the first place; he was growing suspicious. She said she was willing to take a lie detector. Vince didn't find her funny and vowed to get revenge.

4 -- SEAN O'HAIRE (w/Roddy Piper) vs. CHRIS BENOIT

Roddy looked for Zach at ringside before the match, then mouthed off to him. Benoit scored with early chops. O'Haire fought back with a roundhouse kick to Benoit's chest for a two count. O'Haire went for a jump spin wheel kick, but Benoit ducked and DDT'd O'Haire. Benoit got up with some chops and a German suplex. Piper interfered, but Benoit quickly put him in the Crossface. O'Haire took advantage of a prone Benoit by roundkicked him behind the head and rolling him up for the pin.

WINNER: O'Haire at 4:30.

STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Good TV match. Simple, basic, but well-done.

[commercial break]

-Rey Mysterio spoke from backstage. He said there is no doubt in his mind he'll be the next Cruiserweight champion. He said he is hurt, he pulled his groin last week, but he's going to keep on going for himself, his family, and his people. Matt Hardy interrupted and mocked Rey. He vowed to destroy Rey in Anaheim next week in front of all of his people. He said they can chant 619 all night long, but nothing will stop him from "beating his ass." Rey shoved him and said he isn't scared. Matt kicked him between the legs and walked away. Rey sold it like he was kicked between the legs.

-Tazz said Matt's got a good strategy - further injure Rey before their match next week. Cole and Tazz talked about Kurt Angle's return to Smackdown next week.

-A Kurt Angle vignette aired with him saying he was born to win Olympic gold medals, but his destiny was to become a WWE superstar. They played Coldplay's "Clocks" in the background. It would have been cool if they had caught onto Coldplay two years ago, but kudos to the WWE production team for utilizing them at all (and it's not as if they're yesterday's news by any means today) because it's the type of music-style mix that's been missing from WWE in recent years. Great footage aired of Angle with his newborn daughter, looking at his X-rays, and in the hospital during surgery prep. It's going to be very tough for Angle to return as a heel, but if anybody can yank the rug out from under the fans wanting to cheer, he can do it. Angle vowed to return and prove he is the best in the business. He said he doesn't think he's even scraped the tip of the iceberg. He said he loves WWE so much he never wants to leave it.

[commercial break]

5 -- DOUG & DANNY BASHAM vs. RIKISHI & SPANKY

Rikishi opened, then tagged Spanky a few seconds later. Spanky showed great energy at first, but was tripped by Danny, giving Doug the chance to take control. Cole and Tazz sent out goodwill wishes to Freddie Blassie, who's been having serious health problems since his appearance on Smackdown last week. At 2:00 Spanky hot-tagged Rikishi, who suplexed and kicked the Bashams around the ring. He then splashed them both in the corner at once. They collapsed in the corner, so Rikishi gave them a double Stinkface. He tagged in Spanky who went for a monkey flip, by Danny held Doug in place, then Doug cradled Spanky as Danny added leverage for the pin.

WINNER: Bashams at 3:15.

STAR RATING: * -- Okay bout.

-Vince McMahon threw a fit outside that his limo was being towed. McMahon asked what that was all about. His limo driver told him that he warned him about him parking in a handicapped spot. Vince got in the limo and insisted that the tow truck driver take him to the airport. Zach tapped on the window and told McMahon he should have known better than to park there. The tow truck began to drive away as McMahon yelled that he wanted to be let out so he could "kick his little ass." Zach smiled and waved.

[commercial break]

-Introductions took place for the TV main event. Undertaker came out first, followed by Brock. When the FBI came out, Nunzio said he was too injured to wrestle, but he found a suitable replacement. "This is really a handicapped match now," said Cole.

[commercial break]

6 -- BROCK LESNAR & UNDERTAKER vs. CHUCK PALUMBO & JOHNNY STAMBOLI & BIG SHOW (w/Nunzio)

After rapid tags in the opening minutes, Brock and Show tagged in against each other for the first time at 4:30. Brock took early advantage, but Show reversed a Brock whip attempt into a clothesline. Show headbutted Lesnar to the ground, then stomped away at him in the corner. Show missed a legdrop attempt at 5:30, and Brock made a comeback with a series of punches and clotheslines. He finally took Show down with a diving shoulder block. He picked up Show for an F5, but Palumbo ran into the ring. Brock let go of Show to fend off the FBI. Show then blindsided Brock with a chokeslam and a cover. Undertaker made the save. As the ref ordered Taker out of the ring, the FBI pummelled Brock at ringside. Stamboli stomped away at Brock in the corner. Palumbo kicked Brock in the head, knocking him to ringside. Show rammed Brock into the ringpost. Taker picked up the steel steps and threatened to hit the FBI with it at ringside. As the ref ordered Taker to the back, the FBI and Show kept beating on Brock at ringside. Palumbo got a two count in the ring, but Brock grabbed the bottom rope to stop the count. Palumbo followed up with a discus punch. Stamboli tagged in, but quickly got clotheslined by Brock. Brock hot-tagged Taker at 9:00. He punched away at Show and Palumbo with rapid fire clotheslines one after another in each corner. Nice spot. Stamboli entered the ring, so Taker gave him Snake Eyes over the top turnbuckle. Show blinded Taker with a clothesline, but Taker surprised Show right away with his Dragon Sleeper finisher. Brock fended off the FBI until Nunzio hit Taker from behind with a chair. Taker dropped Show and picked up Nunzio and chokeslammed him to the mat. The chaos continued with Taker tagging Brock. Palumbo, unaware that Brock tagged in, was caught with an F5. Brock then gave Stamboli an F5, too. Show then surprised Brock with a chokeslam and the ref counted to three.

WINNERS: Show & Stamboli & Palumbo when Show pinned Brock at 10:58.

STAR RATING: ***1/4 -- Very good TV main event. A really coordinated effort to make all of the false finishes and momentum twists fall into place. Everyone, including Show, were spot on. Very satisfying finish to the show.

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