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KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT 5 YRS. AGO (3/10/03): Trish, Booker, Flair, Austin, Hardy, Rock, Jericho, RVD, Christian, Bischoff,
Mar 10, 2008 - 6:09:19 PM |
By Wade Keller, Torch editor
KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
MARCH 10, 2003
LIVE FROM CLEVELAND, OHIO
-They opened cold without the Raw montage with Eric Bischoff telling the crew of wrestlers backstage that he wanted them to give Steve Austin a pleasant greeting. He said the last thing he wanted was Austin mad at him the rest of his life. That makes sense. What doesn't compute is why he changed his mind since last week when he plotted his destruction. What changed between last week and this week other than the realization by the writers that last week's storyline, at least as far as the integrity of Bischoff's character went, made no sense.
-Rock approached Eric Bischoff and said his one and only goal is to face Steve Austin at WrestleMania, therefore his match against Booker T later was off. He said he would come up with a different match later.
1 -- CHRIS JERICHO & CHRISTIAN vs. KANE & ROB VAN DAM
Everyone got their own ring intro except Christian, who came out to with Jericho to Jericho's music. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler speculated about whether Shawn Michaels would accept Jericho's challenge to a match at WrestleMania. They noted that Test wasn't at Raw because he was recovering from the Conchairto. RVD nailed Christian with a cool flying sidekick to the face off the top rope followed by Rolling Thunder. Meanwhile, Jericho dropped Kane face-first onto the stairs at ringside. When jericho attempted to interfere for Christian's benefit, Christian mistakenly knocked him off the ring apron. RVD then took advantage of the situation and gave Christian a Frog Splash. Jericho, though, entered the ring and as the legal man surprising a stunned RVD (recovering from the impact of his own move) and nailed a Lionsault for the three count.
WINNER: Jericho & Christian at 3:23.
STAR RATING: ** -- Very good short TV match. All crisp action.
-As Jericho celebrated his win on the stage, Michaels surprised him with a superkick. He then mugged for the crowd for a moment with that classic HBK smug expression, and then yelled at the fallen Jericho, "I'll see you at WrestleMania!" Ross went ballistic that the match was now officially on.
[commercial break]
-Booker T came out and talked about his disappointment with Rock avoiding him this week. He switched to talking about Triple H's comments last week that he's only there to lose to people like him (Booker). "You haven't walked in my shoes, you haven't seen what I've seen," Booker said. "You say people like me don't win championships. Well, why don't you walk down the aisle right there and I will dance all over your punk ass." He then said at WrestleMania he will become the World Heavyweight Champion, adding, "Can you dig that sucka!" Ric Flair walked out with a mic and began talking to Booker. (Many newer WWE fans at home gasped: "That suit guy can talk?") Flair got in the ring and went nose-to-nose with Booker. He said Hunter told him that he is a first class citizen and won't lower himself to Booker T's level again. Flair added that next week in St. Louis, he can have two choices. He can meet Hunter's jet as it lands and when it opens and he can carry their bags to their long limousine and put that chauffeur's cap on and drive them downtown. "That's sick," said Ross. Booker's eyes began to bulge. Flair then said if he carries their bags into the arena, he will have done something on that day that he is qualified to do. "Or, you can make the mistake of a lifetime and you can show up next Monday night, uninvited, and get the asswhoopping of a lifetime," he concluded, patting Booker on the chest with the back of his hand. Booker asked Flair if it's true that Triple H is in the locker room. Flair nodded yes. Booker then punched Flair. Ross proclaimed that Booker just punched the legendary multi-time former champ Ric Flair. (Many newer fans at home said: "Suit guy held titles before?")
-Booker went backstage and found Hunter washing his hands in the bathroom. He asked Hunter if he had something to say to him. Hunter threw a dollar bill at him and said, "Yeah, get me a towel." Booker punched him and threw him into the wall. "Booker has assaulted the heavyweight champ of the world!" Ross proclaimed. I understand that many people are offended when angles go this direction, but as long as heels are being racist (rather than babyfaces), this is a realistic angle since (sadly) many people still talk the way Flair and Hunter did in their inner-circles about Blacks. WWE is reinforcing a stereotype, but the stereotype isn't about black people, it's about arrogant white racists.
[commercial break]
-Flair tended to Hunter backstage. Hunter said, "He caught me from behind; I never even saw him coming." Great heel line, lying to partner in crime about getting knocked out. Even better, he should have said he slipped or things would have been different (i.e. Vince McMahon-Bret Hart).
-Steve Austin walked into the arena and knocked over drinks that a woman was carrying. What a mean guy, picking on a woman just doing her job. Sure, she's not a champion wrestler or anything, but does that mean she's deserving of being knocked around for no reason like that?
2 -- RICO (w/Jamal & Rosie) vs. JEFF HARDY
Ross talked about Rico's past as a Las Vegas cop, American Gladiators competitor, and bodyguard. That still doesn't add up a compelling wrestling character (even counting his silver, glittery pants). Jeff dove over the top rope onto Rosie and Jamal at ringside. Jeff then surprised Rico with a roll-up for a three count.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy at 1:33.
STAR RATING: 1/4* -- They flew those four to Cleveland to do that? Talk about putting people on TV for the sake of putting them on TV.
-Backstage, Triple H was yapping at Maven and another guy backstage. The mic wasn't on for the first few seconds, but Hunter ended up punching the unidentified guy. The audio them came on as Maven said, "Geez, he's not even on Tough Enough." (So apparently, Hunter was ripping on Tough Enough, playing into his real-life rep as being anti-Tough Enough.) Maven called him "numb-nuts," so Hunter grabbed him by the throat and shoved him against some crates. He told him to get his gear on because they'd be wrestling later.
[commercial break]
-Austin walked through the backstage halls eating a hot dog. Goldust walked up to him and began stuttering about Eric Bischoff wanting to apologize. Austin asked him if he was feeling alright. Austin shoved a hot dog in Goldust's mouth as he attempted to say Bischoff. Goldust finished the hot dog. (Goldust, by the way, is known for upkeeping his physique through massive intake of hot dogs and corndogs.)
-Rock began strumming his guitar backstage. "The Rock says Cleveland is totally lame, How did this dump get this hall of fame. The Rock has to say Aw Shucks, because Cleveland doesn't rock, it totally sucks." Rock then noticed someone walk into the locker room and asked him (a mystery person at this point since the camera didn't pan over) are you read to go "one on one with the Great One?" The camera then panned over to Hurricane, who asked Rock if he was ready to go one-on-one with a superhero. "The Scorpion King vs. The Hurricane," said Rock. Rock said there are no rules in the match. "All superpowers go!" he said mockingly. "What superpowers are you going to bring? Hamburglar? What're you gonna do, throw a cheeseburger or McNugget at the Great One." Hurricane shot back: "I've got my Hurripowers, by-atch." Rock said that was disrespectful. He then said that he lost the battle royal only because he tripped over the top rope. Hurricane reminded Rock about having a "tiny ding-a-ling." Rock freaked out briefly, but then said, "In all seriousness, this is the biggest night of your life - Raw, live, Hurricane, Scorpion King." He then offered Hurricane his hand and wished him luck, but then gave him a cheap shot right hook to the face." Rock laughed, so Ross said, "What's funny about that?" He should have said that during the previous segment as WWE writers continue on the ridiculous course of making fun of either autism or people who stutter, neither of which is particularly funny in the context it's being used. Why not just admit the Goldust idea was lame and have him get electrocuted again through some shock treatment and get better by next week; then WWE can just write off the last few weeks of Goldust as a bad idea gone too far.
[commercial break]
-Ross thanked everyone for standing by during a technical problem that caused the commercial break to run about twice as long as it would have otherwise.
3 -- TRISH STRATUS vs. JAZZ
Winner was to receive a title shot at WrestleMania against Victoria. Seconds into the match, Victoria ran to the ring and nailed Trish then Jazz with her title belt. Steven Richards then accompanied her to the back. Ross said apparently Victoria doesn't want to wrestle either woman. What he should have said is: "We decided to cut that match really short since we didn't have time for it after losing a few minutes during that technical glitch." If that is what they did, it was a pretty good audible. They are picky about what's on at the top of the hour when the second hour stars, and they probably didn't want a woman's match during the peak channel flipping period.
-Eric Bischoff came to the ring and said he was sorry he fired Steve Austin via FedEx from WCW. "If I said I never thought you'd amount to anything in this business, for that, my bad," he said. "I hope you harbor no ill-will." He then apologized to Ross for smashing his skull with a cinder block. Ross didn't look especially receptive. Bischoff said the people shouldn't hate him and he shouldn't hate him. He said if he hadn't fired Steve Austin from WCW, the whole Steve Austin phenomenon would have never been born. "So when you think about it, really think about it, I deserve some credit for Stone Cold Steve Austin for being here the same way Stone Cold Steve Austin deserves credit for me being here - you returned and saved my job. You and I, we need each other, we're a lot alike. Neither one of us are ever going to get caught dead wearing a three piece suit. You're a jeans guy, I'm a jeans guy. We both like hunting and fishing. We both went head to head with Vince McMahon and in the process reinvited this industry. You like to have a drink every now and then. You like beer, I'm more a martini guy. The truth is we're the same animal, you and I. Let's bury the hatchet, you and I right now." I'm convinced.
Steve Austin's music played and he strode to the ring and then stood on the corners of the ring giving the two middle finger salute to the fans. (Lawler has sunk to these depths: "Be careful Eric, he's bilingual. He speaks English and profanity." Ha ha dumb. He then made a Miracle Ear joke. Miracle Ear commercials have been gone for years. He's become Bobby Heenan on Nitro.) Austin told Bischoff to address him as "sir." He asked Bischoff if he wants credit for everything he's done. "Is that supposed to be a friendship gesture? You want me to shake your hand? Well, pardon my sign language." He then gave him the finger. "Do you understand that? You're starting to piss me off with that stupid little haircut..." He continued and fans kept shouting, "What" at every pause. He said as Bischoff began talking, he thought of one word: "Boring!" He grabbed Bischoff and asked him if he wants to bury the hatchet. "The only thing I want to bury tonight is my foot in your ass."
Rock then walked out and did his "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa" bit. Austin asked him to come to the ring and slap him if he wants. Rock stayed put. "Rock has done it all in this business except for one thing," he said. "Do you remember the last time you went one-on-one with the Great One?" Austin interrupted: "If I remember correctly, I whipped your ass not once, but twice. So what your saying is you want to go for three times?" Rock nervously laughed and said: "You wanna be a big shot? Let The Rock tell you this. Austin, you ain't nothin'. You're Stone Cold nothin', a Rattle Snake nothin'." Austin asked him if he thought he was funny. He asked him to take off his sunglasses so he can see just how scared he is. He again challenged him to come to the ring to prove he's not scared. Austin laid on his back and asked Rock to come to the ring and lay on him as he counts one-two-three. Rock said: "You showoff. You want the Rock to come there in front of all of the fans right now? I'll tell you what, I'll think about it. Nah! The Rock ain't scared. The Rock at WrestleMania, and only at WrestleMania, is going to whip that bald-headed candy ass." Austin said: "If I have to wait until WrestleMania, I'm not leaving this arena until I whip somebody's ass." Austin then attacked Bischoff. Rock ran to the ring and entered, but when Austin turned around and saw him, Rock backed down immediately. Austin's music played as Rock backed up to the locker room.
[commercial break]
4 -- TRIPLE H (w/Ric Flair) vs. MAVEN
Hunter held his title belt in Maven's face before the match, then dominated early. He rammed the back of his head into the ringside steps. Lawler said it would help to have some hair as padding in those situations. "I've seen a lot of World Champions, but none have the total package like the Cerebral Assassin," Ross said. Hunter had Maven in a sleeper and just dropped him to the mat before the ref could drop Maven's arm a third time. Maven came back with a jawbreaker and a series of forearms. Hunter, though, quickly came back and executed the Pedigree as Flair applauded at ringside. Hunter then scored the three count. Afterward, Hunter threw Maven over the top rope rope and Maven's head got caught between the ropes. Al Snow ran out to save Maven from choking to death. Hunter then gave Snow a Pedigree.
WINNER: Hunter at 4:35.
STAR RATING: 1/2* -- What a disappointment. The whole thing was put together, not to give Maven any momentum at all, but to get Hunter over as a heel beating up poor, helpless, defenseless Maven. Not that Maven's anywhere near ready for a serious top level push, but he's deserving of a little more offense and credibility than he got in that match. It's not that selling a bit more would have hurt Hunter because Hunter can define how good Maven is by either dominating him or granting him some give and take. If Maven held his own better, that wouldn't mean Hunter was any weaker; it just would have told viewers Maven has come a long way and is worth paying attention to in coming months. Now, when he works house shows matches, he's nothing more than the guy Hunter beat like a rag dog despite being a Tough Enough winner well over a year ago.
-Bischoff and Chief Morley talked about Austin's lack of forgiveness. Bischoff said next week he wants Austin in the ring in a match with his own rules.
-Jerry Lawler plugged the Girls Gone Wild PPV.
-Stacy talked to Test on her cell phone backstage. She heard a girl's voice in the background. Test said he was in South Padre Island. "Girls Gone Wild isn't until next Thursday?" Stacy said. "No, I'm not mad." Then she hung up and frowned.
-Terri interviewed Austin, who was standing backstage chatting it up with Scott Steiner. Austin hadn't heard he had a match with Bischoff, but when she told him, he laughed and said, "I like it." Then he walked off, leaving Steiner to chat with Terri.
[commercial break]
5 -- D-VON DUDLEY (w/Bubba Ray Dudley) vs. CHIEF MORLEY & LANCE STORM
Morley said D-Von would have to beat both him and Storm without help from Bubba or Spike in order to be reinstated. Police officers escorted Bubba to the back. D-Von got in more offense than Maven, but still lost clean to the Money Shot.
WINNER: Morley & Storm at 2:42.
STAR RATING: 3/4*
[commercial break]
-Jerry Lawler stood in the ring and announced that he would be hosting a wet t-shirt contest. Four women came out with orange tops. Lawler said he was going to spray them with his big water gun, and then the crowd could vote for who was the wildest. Stacy then interrupted before Lawler began spraying. She said she could have gotten mad at Test for going to Girls Gone Wild, but she realized she can be just as wild. She then sprayed each of the women. Stacy then announced that she would be at the Girls Gone Wild PPV herself showing how wild she can get. Great cross-promotion by WWE. A perfect match for both WWE and GGW.
[commercial break]
-Ross plugged next week in St. Louis would feature Austin vs. Bischoff.
6 -- THE ROCK vs. THE HURRICANE
I know Hunter plays a badass heel and Rock plays a chickensh-- heel, but Rock gave more to Hurricane in the first 30 seconds than Hunter did in his entire match earlier. A real sign of security and self-confidence is being willing to let your "lesser" opponent come away looking better for having wrestled you even while still staying strong yourself. Rock did that, Hunter didn't. Rock took control at 1:00 and put on Hurricane's cape and mockingly flew. He then ripped off the cape and gave Hurricane a suplex. Rock settled into a strangely long headlock on the mat. Hunter escaped and hit a neckbreaker to stun Rock. Hurricane followed up with a flurry of offense including a top rope crossbody for a near fall. He followed with a neckbreaker for another near fall. The crowd, understandably, wasn't unhinged for the near falls since it was pretty obvious this wasn't going to be a clean upset. Rock nipped up, struck a mock Hurricane pose, and tried to go on offense again, but Hurricane fought back. Ross said, "Hurricane won't go away, just like a rash." Hurricane gave Rock a low-blow and then a chokeslam. The fans started to believe Hurricane had a chance (thanks to the low blow) and scored a near fall which popped the crowd. Rock fought back and gave Hurricane a spinebuster, then signalled for The People's Elbow. Austin's music then played and he came out. Hurricane rolled up a distracted Rock from behind for an upset three count. Rock's eyes bulged out as Austin stared him down and gave him the finger. It was a bit disappointing that the cameras focused entirely on Austin and Rock afterward at the total exclusion of Hurricane's celebration. It almost seemed as if Austin was stealing Hurricane's thunder, which isn't what they were going for.
WINNER: Hurricane at 9:36.
STAR RATING: **3/4 -- Really good action and internal storyline with the appropriate finish. Now, in fairness to Hunter, there is no way it would have made sense for Hunter to give Maven as much as Rock gave Hurricane, since that would have burned out the crowd on the underdog overperforming schtick before the main event. However, there was still a way for Hunter, short of doing a job to Maven, to show enough security to give Maven a bit more than he did. Rock gave Hurricane a real boost, assuming WWE follows up on it (and assuming the lack of any post-match celebration for Hurricane himself doesn't kill off whatever potential benefits there were).
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