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KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT
MARCH 11, 2004
TAPED TUESDAY IN ATLANTIC CITY, N.J.
-Following the opening montage, Michael Cole and Tazz introduced the show.
1 -- JOHN CENA vs. RHYNO
Cena took some digs at Big Show before the match with some nice rap mic work. "That guys a mark for himself just like Gastineau was" (which drew boos from the crowd)... "He plays Blackjack alone just to beat his own hand" (which drew laughs from the crowd). Then he made a joke about Big Show eating his casino checks because the manager said it was "bread" and then talked about keeping things X rated because he's a long shot (get it?). Rhyno opened with some power moves. Cena came back with some sudden collisions with Rhyno to take him down. Cena then pumped his shoes and went for his version of the People's Elbow, the Five Knuckle Shuffle (get it?). Cena then gave Rhyno an FU for the win. Cole then said, right on cue, "The question is: Can Cena give Big Show the FU at WrestleMania!?"
WINNER: Cena at 2:56.
STAR RATING: 1/2* -- Nothing much to it. Cena seemed a bit rushed during his offensive flurry comeback. But his strengths, as usual, shined as he played to the crowd well and showed great fire. Take Rhyno off your list of potential designated replacements for Lesnar.
-Dawn Marie called in the Smackdown talent for a big announcement. Cole said, "What's going on?" How many internet readers are expecting the Brock Lesnar announcement to air on TV at this point?
[Commercial Break]
-Paul Heyman addressed the wrestlers backstage. He said a lot of them had a problem with how he handled Eddie Guerrero last week, but he said they have to admit he's been good for Smackdown. He said that is good for them because it helps them take home more money. He said there is a man out there who wants to stop them from sending their kids to college, to stop them from having enough money to buy nice clothes for their wives, to take food off of their plate. He said the man wants to come into their house and disrupt things - and his name is "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Heyman said Brock Lesnar had no right to steal Austin's ATV, but he is one of them. He said Lesnar is the leader of their locker room, he's "one of us." He said Austin is trying to come into their house and hurt Smackdown. He asked them to help him. He demanded they volunteer to help (if that's possible). He said it's time for them to walk out to the ring with Brock Lesnar and defend their turf, then when Austin walks his way to the ring, he'll give the word and he wants all of them teach him a lesson about messing with Paul Heyman. Very good segment. That's a window into Heyman "rah rah" sessions backstage at ECW events, too, so he's had a lot of practice over the years. It almost appeared as if Tajiri was going to crack up Heyman at one point. Heyman stopped and looked away seemingly to avoid laughing.
-They cut to the parking garage where they noticed Steve Austin's truck. Cole said the proved he was present.
[Commercial Break]
2 --REY MYSTERIO vs. JAMIE NOBLE
Chavo Jr. and Sr. joined Tazz and Cole on commentary. Chavo Jr. complained about how he could undertand defending against the no. 1 contender, but against eight contenders at once. He said he didn't understand now the no. 8 contender deserved a title shot at WM. Noble got in the early offense, but at 3:45 he made a comeback and set up the 619. Then Tajiri, Akio, and Sakoda attacked him. That led to Ultimo Dragon, Kidman, and Funaki joining in. Sr. asked if this is fair odds for his son. Jr. said the Japanese wrestlers would all work together against him, so he couldn't understand how he could be blamed for having his father with him. The referee turned the match into an eight-man tag match.
WINNER: No contest.
STAR RATING: 3/4* -- Chavo Jr. and Sr. were funny on commentary.
[Commercial Break]
3 -- FUNAKI & KIDMAN & REY MYSTERIO & ULTIMO DRAGON vs. TAJIRI & AKIO & SAKODA & JAMIE NOBLE
When Jr., Sr., and Tazz frustrated Cole with their group think, he told them all to give each other high fives and talk amongst themselves. Tazz told Cole to go "frost his hair." Funny. Funaki worked the body of the match and took a beating from the heels. He hot-tagged Rey at 5:30. As is required these days in a tag match, within 30 seconds of the hot tag, chaos broke out with everyone in the match. Rey hit the 619 at 6:19 ironically enough Chavo Sr. distracted the ref was Chavo Jr. tried to interfere. The interference backfired and Rey scored the pin on Noble. After the match Shannon Moore and Nunzio got involved in the brawl.
WINNERS: Mysterio & Kidman & Ultimo & Funaki at 6:45.
STAR RATING: *1/4 -- This was a larger spotlight on the Cruiserweights than I expected. They got two full segments with everyone involved with the highlight being the focus on Rey as the fan favorite headed into the match and Chavo Jr. and Sr. with their funny commentary.
-Heyman talked to Johnny Stamboli and Chuck Palumbo backstage when he got word that Austin was just spotted. Heyman ran off to find him.
[Commercial Break]
-A recap aired of the Kurt Angle-Eddie Guerrero storylines.
-Eddie Guerrero drove to the ring in his bouncy car. He then called out Kurt Angle. He said now is his chance to stop the only champion who encourages kids to lie, cheat, and steal. "Here is your chance to play hero," he said. "Where are you?" Guerrero said Angle is all about talk, not action. After a couple minute of goading, Angle didn't come out. Guerrero said he wasn't surprised. Cole said the only reason Angle fought Eddie last week was because his hands were cuffed behind his back.
4 -- EDDIE GUERRERO vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN (w/Charlie Haas)
Cole pointed out that Benjamin was once a pupil of Kurt Angle. Haas distracted Guerrero, giving Benjamin a chance to suplex Guerrero. Haas kept attempting to interfere, but Guerrero kept fending him off. The finally ordered Haas to the back. Cole said, "Finally, it will be Eddie Guerrero vs. Charlie Haas one one" as they cut to a break.
[Commercial Break]
Guerrero showed some fire on his comeback at 7:00. Shelton looked shaken by Guerrero's adrenaline rush. Guerrero the hit a series of three vertical unreleased suplexes. Shelton lifted Eddie and knocked into the ref. Haas snuck back to ringside and tossed Shelton the title belt. Shelton went to hit Guerrero, but Guerrero kicked the belt into his face. Guerrero got to the belt just as Haas ran in the ring to grab it. Guerrero KO'd Haas with the belt, then he hit Benjamin with it. The ref came to. Eddie lay on his back as if he were KO'd. The ref began counting both down. Cole said it was vintage Eddie Guerrero. Guerrero then rolled toward Benjamin. Cole said he deserves an Academy Awards. Actually, it'd be an Emmy. Guerrero hit the Frog Splash for the win.
WINNER: Guerrero at 9:24.
STAR RATING: **1/4 -- Good match. That could be a one-on-one match in six or nine months with a lot more meaning behind it.
-A stone cold looking Angle walked out onto the stage. He signalled the title would be his. Guerrero stared back at him. Angle didn't blink. He wore the game face as he walked to the back. Nice staredown.
[Commercial Break]
-A taped segment aired of Torrie Wilson and Sable at an autograph session promoting their Playboy spread. I haven't heard any numbers yet on record-breaking sales for that issue. Doesn't mean it's not doing well, but if it was doing great sales, we'd have heard. The second time may not be the charm.
-Heyman talked with Orlando Jordan who said he respected Austin. Heyman told him he had a choice between respecting Austin or keeping his job on Smackdown.
5 -- BIG SHOW vs. JOHN WOLF & NICK FEELY
Show squashed them. Then Cena ran out and knocked Show out of the ring and held his U.S. Title belt. Show returend to the ring and Cena retreated.
WINNER: Show in 1:00 after a chokeslam.
STAR RATING: n/a -- Total Squash.
[Commercial Break]
-A replay aired of the Benjamin and Haas mocking of APA last week.
-Heyman caught up with APA backstage. Bradshaw said Heyman may question many things about them, but their loyalty to Smackdown shouldn't be one of them.
6 -- SCOTT 2 HOTTY & RIKISHI vs. THE BASHAMS
Lackluster action. Blah. Two long matholds to hold Scotty down, then a hot tag to Rikishi who his usual routine. He went for the Stink Face, but the Bashams did their switcheroo. Rikishi caught Doug charging at him with a superkick and scored the pin.
WINNERS: Rikishi & Scotty at 5:10.
STAR RATING: 1/2*
-A recap aired of the Steve Austin-Goldberg-Brock Lesnar storyline.
[Commercial Break]
-Clips aired of the Undertaker-Kane storyline.
-Cole and Tazz ran down the entire Smackdown WrestleMania XX line-up. Coach and Jim Ross plugged the Raw WrestleMania XX matches. Cole and Tazz wrapped up with a plug for the interbrand matches.
-Heyman led the Smackdown crew of wrestlers to the ring, as if it mattered at this point after the previous nothing-happening 30 minutes of Smackdown content may have driven all viewers away.
[Commercial Break]
-Brock Lesnar made his final stroll down the aisle past all of the Smackdown wrestlers. Kinda eerie considering what happened a few hours earlier behind the scenes. Lesnar said each and every one of those Smackdown wrestlers has been in the ring with him so they all respect him. He said, "Steve Austin, I beg you on my show to come and get it." He begged him to come and get his four wheeler. Austin's music played and all of the Smackdown wrestlers blocked the aisle. Austin drove out in his truck and walked up to the human wall the Smackdown wrestlers formed. They stepped aside one at a time as Austin made his way through the crowd. Heyman then ordered the wrestlers to get Austin "right now!" Nobody moved. Instead, they parted for him as Heyman screamed for them to "get him, dammit!" Big Show finally stood up to Austin. They had a staredown for a while. Then Show stepped aside and told Austin to get in the ring. The crowd popped as Cole and Tazz wondered aloud what was happening. The Smackdown crew all walked to the back. Cole wondered if this was a mutiny aimed at Heyman. The crowd chanted "Austin." Lesnar challenged Austin to enter the ring. Austin instead got on his ATV and drove it half way to the back. Then he got off of it and walked to the ring. Lesnar met him half way and they got in a brawl. Who's fighting at WM20? The hype for this match wouldn't have been much different if the main event was Austin vs. Lesnar. Austin threw Lesnar into the ringpost, then tossed him into the ring where Heyman begged off. Austin promptly gave Heyman a Stunner. Heyman bailed out. Lesnar threw Austin into the corner and threw some shoulders into him. Lesnar then set up an F5. Austin reversed it and went for the Stunner. Lesnar, bleeding from the forehead, bailed out. Austin then drove his ATV to the ring, circled the ring, almost ran over Heyman who was still KO'd on the floor (nice touch), and then parked it on the stage. Austin then went to his pick-up truck and loaded the ATV into the back. I thought that ATV could just drive right in without a ramp? Austin then caught a couple cans of beer and began drinking while standing on the roof of his truck. Cole gave a final plug, actually mentioning Goldberg by name (gasp!) when he mentioned the WM20 match.
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