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KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
September 1, 2003
Live from Lafayette, La.

-They showed highlights of last week's angle with Kane and Shane McMahon ending with Kane getting knocked into the trash bin that he had set on fire.

-The Raw opening montage then aired.

1 -- JERRY LAWLER vs. JONATHAN COACHMAN

As Jerry Lawler walked out, Jim Ross said they would have an update on Kane's condition at the end of the first match, but he did know that Kane was not dead. Coach came out wearing a Texas football jersey to get under Ross's skin. Ross said it is the job of announcers to stay unbiased and describe what they see objectively, and Coach has broken that code. Coach came out to no reaction. Total silence from the Lafayette fans. A weak "Jerry" chant broke out. Coach bounced in and out of Lawler's range in the opening seconds. Lawler snuck in a punch that knocked Coach to the mat. Coach kept his baseball cap on during the fight, rim turned back. Coach lost his smile and got serious. Lawler picked him up and slammed him. Coach grabbed as his back and crawled to the corner. Lawler looked serious. At 1:30 they locked up the second time. Coach slipped on a side headlock. Coach began trash-talking. Ross pointed out that Coach was a hell of an athlete in his college days. Lawler back suplexed Coach, who bailed out of the ring. Al Snow walked out and told Coach to stop this nonsense. "You're in over your head," said Snow. Ross pointed out to the three-fourths of the Raw audience who don't watch Heat that Snow is Coach's broadcast partner on Sunday nights. Lawler applied an armbar in the ring. Snow told Coach over the house mic that he is embarrassing himself and Sunday Night Heat. Snow asked Lawler to let Snow go and he would throw in the towel for him. "Let's stop this nonsense right now," he said. Lawler released Coach. Coach rolled out of the ring and told Snow he doesn't need his help. "I can't beat him!" Coach yelled. Coach shoved Snow. Lawler threw Coach back into the ring. Snow then turned on Lawler and threw him into the ringpost. Coach then scored the pin. Snow laughed at ringside as Coach celebrated in center-ring. They hugged at ringside.

WINNER: Coach at 4:02.

STAR RATING: Are you kidding?

-Terri interviewed Shane McMahon backstage. She said the images they saw as the show went off the air last week were disturbing. Terri said when the fire was extinguished, Kane wasn't anywhere to be found. She asked Shane if he knew what happened. He said he still hopes Kane is burning. Terri told Shane to be careful out there. So the follow up to this angle is that Kane somehow escaped the fire without anyone noticing, or burned to ashes and his twin brother is returning, or Kane has super-natural powers, or they're just not going to ever explain it.

[commercial break]

-Backstage Snow and Coach celebrated. Eric Bischoff interrupted their celebration, wanting to know what was going through their minds, feigning anger. Bischoff then broke his scowl and smiled. Steve Austin then interrupted. Austin asked Coach if he thinks he's special. Austin said he had something special planned for Coach. He then walked to the ring for the Highlight Reel segment. When Austin got to the ring, he dismantled and destroyed the Highlight Reel set. Ross said he didn't know what Austin's agenda was. Austin told Ross to stand up. He said he's sick of hearing that "J.R. is Stone Cold's boy." Austin said he is going to give Ross a chance to prove what kind of man he is. He announced that he was booking Ross to wrestle Coach at Unforgiven. Austin broke open a Miller Lite. Austin turned his attention to Randy Orton for calling himself a "Legend Killer." He said Austin is going to book him against the legendary Shawn Michaels. Austin, showing the utmost confidence in Bill Goldberg, said since his days may be numbered in WWE, he was going to book him later on Raw in a six-man tag with Michaels and Maven against Evolution. Chris Jericho then stormed to the ring.

Jericho got in Austin's face and said he doesn't care who he is, nobody cancels the Highlight Reel. He asked Austin if he know how expensive his set is. Austin said he knows how much it cost because he wrote the check. (Yeah, as if anyone believes Austin's duties include writing out checks for painted particle board apparatus.)

So far, here's who we've seen on Raw:
-Jim Ross - an announcer, not a wrestler
-Jerry Lawler - primarily an announcer
-Jonathan Coachman - primarily an announcer
-Al Snow - primarily an announcer
-Terri - an interviewer
-Shane McMahon - not quite sure
-Eric Bischoff - not a wrestler
-Steve Austin - no longer a wrestler
-Chris Jericho - an actual wrestler, but acting as an interviewer

At the 24 minute mark, Christian interrupted Austin (although they were late starting the music, causing Austin to run out of things to say). Christian demanded respect. Austin assigned him to wrestle Jericho. Jericho misinterpreted and thought Austin was booking them as a team. Austin clarified, and said it would be for the IC Title. He ordered them to start the match right now. By "right now," Austin meant, "after these important words from our sponsors."

[commercial break]

2 -- CHRISTIAN vs. CHRIS JERICHO - Intercontinental Title match

Lawler rejoined Ross and said he has lost to wrestles before, but he'll never live down losing to Coach. He told Ross to be a man and take care of Coach for him at Unforgiven. Christian got upset with Jericho early for utilizing the ropes in a pinning combination. They shoved each other and slapped each other and then rolled out of the ring for a brawl. The ref Earl Hebner got knocked down at 6:20. Christian then grabbed the IC Title belt and swung at Jericho. Jericho ducked and took Christian down for a near fall. Jericho rolled up Christian for a two count. Christian then rolled up Jericho for a pin thanks to a grab of the top rope for leverage.

WINNER: Christian at 7:15.

STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Choppy match. They've had better.

-An ad aired for Confidential on "Superstar" Billy Graham.

[commercial break]

-Steve Austin recommended Shane McMahon leave the arena until they figure out what's going on with Kane. Shane said thanks for the advice, but "bring it on."

-Highlights aired of the Elimination Chamber.

-Ross asked Triple H what he thought of having to face Goldberg in the six-man tag later. Hunter said he isn't scared because he is a real wrestler, whereas Goldberg is a marketing illusion, an image of what someone thought a wrestler should be. He said he is what a wrestler should be. "I will end your mystique at unforgiven. You are a plague on wrestling." At that moment, Goldberg entered the picture and stared him down. Goldberg said, "I'm gonna kick your ass, yeah. I just want you to think about it for a while. Just like how I want you to think how it's going to feel when I take your title and become the new World Heavyweight Champion. By the way, that's not a threat, that's a promise." Hunter stared him down, but looked worried.

[commercial break]

3 -- MOLLY HOLLY & GAIL KIM vs. TRISH STRATUS & IVORY

Trish had Molly down for an apparent pin at 2:45, but Kim broke up the pinfall. Molly then scored the pin on Trish after a double team suplex.

WINNERS: Molly & Kim at 3:34.

STAR RATING: *

-In a scene we've seen too often in the past to be effective now, Vince McMahon approached Shane McMahon backstage. Shane asked him what he was doing there. Vince said he had a right to be there, but he's there primarily because he's concerned. He said he heard "something is going to come down tonight" and he wanted to be there for him. He admitted not being a great father, "but I've tried." He said he needed to know if things were okay between them. Shane blocked attempted hug by Vince and said he'd head out to the ring and see if everyone is concerned about him then.

[commercial break]

[START OF THE SECOND HOUR]

-Shane walked to the ring and said if something bad is going to happen to him, let it happen to him right there in the ring. Yeah, that's how bad guys work. They attack when their foe is good and ready, rather than sneaking up at them when they least expect it. After a brief pause, Eric Bischoff walked out. Ross called him "a stain on the underwear of life." Shane asked Bischoff if he didn't get enough at Summerslam. Shane said if he's the bad thing that's supposed to happen to him, he's a joke. Kane's music then blared. Bischoff looked worried. Shane began pacing. The lights in the arena went out. When they came on, Kane was standing in the ring without signs of burns other than a wrap on his left bicep. He whipped Shane into the ringside stairs. He handcuffed Shane to the top turnbuckle. Then he splashed clear fluid on Shane, mostly on his crotch area. Then he pulled out jumper cables and a cat battery. This whole set up took so long it challenged the "suspension of disbelief" when nobody runs out from the back until the heel is done with his evil deed. Kane then attached the jumper cables to his testicle area and zapped him as Shane begged for him to stop. Finally Rob Van Dam charged Kane from behind with a chair. RVD attacked Kane in the ring. Still, nobody else ran out to help Shane or assure RVD succeeded in holding back Kane. RVD knocked Kane out of the ring with a Van Daminator. RVD finally tried to uncuff Shane from the top turnbuckle. Kane, meanwhile, got up and walked away with a cut on his face. Ross sold it as best he could, talking about how Kane was a hideous beast who needed to be stopped.

[commercial break]

-They showed footage of a shaken, moaning Shane being rolled to the back.

-A shaken Bischoff told Kane that RVD wasn't supposed to be back this week, but he'd try to make it up to him by booking Kane vs. RVD in a cage next week on Raw. Kane seemed satisfied. Still nobody has asked how Kane survived the incineration in the trash bin. At least they're not "giving away" that match on TV before they had a chance to headline house shows with it.

4 -- LA RESISTANCE vs. HURRICANE & ROSEY

Ross said La Resistance don't like America or Canada, so he suggested they return to France and get jobs. Ross and Lawler discussed what just happened to Shane. Lawler said that could alter Shane's life forever. Ross shifted to talking about how he'd found himself in a wrestling ring on PPV against Coach. Rob Conway nailed Hurricane behind his head without the ref seeing leading to the pin.

WINNERS: La Resistance at 3:56.

STAR RATING: *

-After the match, La Resistance set up a table in the ring. The Dudleys ran out before they could use and beat them up. The Dudleys wanted to put Conway through the table, but La Resistance dragged him out of the first. That made sense not to give away the table spot on TV because it gives fans something to pay to see at house shows.

-Terry interviewed Maven. He said he is excited because this is what he's been dreaming of since he joined WWE - stepping foot in the ring against the best WWE has to offer. Ric Flair and Randy Orton interrupted. Flair told Maven he gets to wrestle against a 16 time World Heavyweight Champion, a future champion in Orton, and a current champion in Triple H. Flair told Maven he has a lot going on, but he doesn't have what it takes to be in Evolution. Orton told Maven he apparently doesn't understand yet, but after tonight he'll realize Evolution has passed him by.

[commercial break]

-Michaels approached Maven backstage and told him he has a right to be nervous because there are a lot of other wrestlers who'd like to be in his position in the main event on Raw. Michaels messed with him by saying he hadn't earned it. Maven stood up for himself. Michaels laughed and said he has earned his place and he needs to realize that in the match. He said they and Goldberg are going to have fun in a few minutes messing with Evolution.

-Elsewhere, Teddy Long with Mark Henry and Rodney Mack complained "about the brothers being bumped off Raw." Austin said he added a match, so he had to subtract a match, and theirs got bumped. He said he had other things to do. RVD approached Austin and asked for him to make their match the opener on Raw next week because he can't wait to kick his ass. Austin said indeed that would be the first match. Well, he meant to say it, but stopped short and just said next week it would be "RVD and Kane in a cage." I assume he meant to indicate he was granting RVD his wish.

-Stacy called Test a jerk for making her dance for his friends and now carry his bags. Test, with all the sincerity of Vince telling Shane he tried to be a good father, told Stacy he doesn't blame her for being mad, but they'll be a great team again. He reminded her of the Testicles gimmick she came up with. He said they'd even go to the ring to her music. Stacy seemed swayed. It's hard to be sympathetic to someone that gullible, even as good looking as she is. Sure, he humiliates her and treats her like crap, but he'll play her music before the match. What a deal.

[commercial break]

5 -- TEST & STACY vs. STEVIE RICHARDS & VICTORIA

Lillian Garcia announced during Test & Stacy's ring intro that the match had been turned into a no DQ match. Stacy wasn't happy, and Test denied knowledge. At 0:30 Stacy tagged in and slapped Richards as Test held her. Stacy seemed naively excited, not realizing that as soon as Test left the ring, she'd be alone with Richards. Richards bent Stacy over in a provocative position so Test clotheslined him. Test jumped off the ring apron when Stacy reached for a tag at 2:00. If she ever even hints at trusting Test again, she deserves what she gets. Then Test entered the ring and held Stacy for Victoria to hit, but Stacy ducked and Victoria slapped Test instead. Test moved in toward Victoria, but Richards attacked him first. Test then gave Richards a pump handle slam. Ross and Lawler said they didn't know what was going on, but did update us that Shane had been brought to the nearest medical facility (that's a "hospital" for those of you who don't use needlessly excessive words to describe something). Victoria then gave Test a low blow. Richards then lifted Stacy and clotheslined her to the mat. Victoria was about to pounce on Stacy when Scott Steiner charged to the ring and threw Richards out of the ring. Because it was a no DQ match, the ref didn't stop Steiner. Test then went to give Steiner a big boot, but it hit Victoria by mistake. Steiner fought Test at ringside as Stacy covered Victoria for the pin. Richards moved toward Stacy after the match, so Steiner attacked Richards. Test then dragged Stacy to the back.

WINNERS: Test & Stacy at 3:50.

STAR RATING: 1/2*

-They showed Orton, Hunter, and Flair heading to the ring.

[commercial break]

-Ross plugged again that RVD vs. Kane would be the first match on Raw next week. Should be interesting to see if they draw a higher than usual initial quarter hour rating next week.

-They did ring introductions for everyone in the main event except Goldberg, then cut to a commercial. Maybe he got locked in the broom closet and they were looking for a key.

[commercial break]

6 -- EVOLUTION (Triple H & Ric Flair & Randy Orton) vs. MAVEN & SHAWN MICHAELS & GOLDBERG

Ross stressed that Goldberg's career will end if he doesn't beat Hunter at Unforgiven. Maybe he can "win" like Lex Luger won SummerSlam ten years ago against Yokozuna, via countout, so Hunter keeps the title but Goldberg can obliviously celebrate like he actually won something. Michaels opened the match with a baseball cap on, making it the first time in history that a wrestling program opened and closed with matches involving participants who wore baseball caps. Flair chopped away at Maven early. Maven already had marks on his chest from his house show matches against Flair. Goldberg screamed like a maniac for Maven to fight back. Maven did with some punches. Maven got in a flurry of offense, but Michaels stopped Maven in his tracks and tagged himself in. They're sure teasing a turn by Maven, although not so over the top that it's obvious they're doing it. Michaels cleaned house on all three heels, knocking Orton over the top rope to the floor with a clothesline. Michaels then dove over the top rope onto all three heels on the floor. The crowd chanted "Goldberg, Goldberg." Flair nailed Michaels with a low blow, but the ref didn't see it. Flair then choked the ref as the ref ordered Goldberg out of the ring. Hunter tagged in and gingerly worked over Michaels with a punch before quickly tagging Orton in at 4:00. Fans began a loud "HBK" chant. Flair tagged in at 4:30 and took Michaels down and tried to set up a figure-four. Flair tagged Hunter in right away and choked Michaels. Flair tagged Hunter back in at 6:00. Hunter put Michaels in a (safe for the groin) abdominal stretch. He shot some words at Goldberg. Flair tagged back in and exchanged chops with Michaels. Ross said they were late in the fourth quarter of the match. Orton tagged in went for a cover on Michaels and scored a two count. Hunter tagged in and taunted Goldberg. Michaels took Hunter down with a flying forearm. "Shawn Michaels lives," declared Ross. Hunter tagged in Orton just as Michaels hot-tagged Goldberg. Goldberg plowed through the heels. Well, he plowed through Orton and Flair while Hunter and his groin had the good sense to bail to ringside. Goldberg attempted to press Orton over his head, but couldn't quite get a full press before dropping him into a powerslam. Hunter then nailed Goldberg from behind, but Goldberg rebounded with a clothesline. As he set up the Spear, Orton hit Goldberg from behind. Goldberg then gave an awkward Spear to Orton. He then trash-talked Hunter, who looked worried, and then set up Orton for a Jackhammer. Orton was out on his feet. With Orton in mid-air, Goldberg pointed at Hunter and said that'd be him, almost dropping Orton in the process, but fortunately slammed Orton to the mat without any disaster and scored the pin.

WINNERS: Goldberg & Maven & Michaels at 11:22.

STAR RATING: **1/2 -- Good six-man tag.

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