WWE RAW REPORT
AUGUST 6, 2007
LIVE FROM BUFFALO, N.Y.
AIRED ON USA NETWORK
REPORT BY WADE KELLER, PWTORCH EDITOR

HOUR ONE

-In a segment labelled as "earlier tonight," Coach approached Vince McMahon and nervously, excitedly welcomed him back. He alluded to circumstances the last time they saw him, but then cut himself off and just said it's good to have him back. Vince told Coach he wants every contracted WWE performer present at the arena to be in the ring when they go live. Coach asked why. Vince said the last time he checked, he's an American citizen, and he's going to take advantage of his freedom of expression.

-The Raw opening aired, then Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler introduced the show as WWE wrestlers walked to the ring.

-Vince McMahon's music played. He walked out onto the stage and said that he had a lot to say. He said he won't mince words. He said it's only fair he begin where he last left off. He said the last "official time" he was on Raw, he was blown to smithereens. They went to a clip from two months ago of a limo blowing up after he got inside. He said that's how he wants to go out - in a "blaze of glory." He said if people are wondering why he'd stage his own demise, it was to find out what people really thought of him. He said it was great to find out he is truly beloved. He said fans think of him as a pioneer, an icon, and a sooth-sayer. He said he wanted to speak on a lot of topics, including the United States Congress. The crowd chanted "What?!" He repeated, "United States Congress." That repeated itself again. He said, "I'll also address the hypocrisy of the news media. I'll address as well certain individuals of my immediate family. But right now I'd like to address each and every one of you in that squared circle." As he was about to continue, Coach walked out, adjusting his suit and trying to look as much like an elite club bouncer outside a front door as possible. Vince said, "You're late." Vince said first he was going to address the wrestlers in the ring. He said in a moment the bell would ring and the last person standing would become G.M. Coach looked shocked and disappointed.

1 -- BATTLE ROYAL TO BECOME G.M. OF RAW

The Divas scurried away right away. Trevor Murdoch, Super Crazy, and Paul London were tossed in the opening 15 seconds. Rory, J.T.G., and King Booker followed. Lawler noted that he'd be facing Booker later. Near 4:00 they cut to a break. After the break, the action continued with more than a dozen still in the ring. It came down to Cody Rhodes, Umaga, Sandman, Hacksaw Duggan, Mr. Kennedy, Brian Kendrick, Carlito, and Shelton Benjamin. Umaga and Kendrick went over the top together. Duggan eliminated Kennedy. Umaga beat up Kendrick on the rampway. Carlito and Benjamin eliminated Duggan. That left Sandman, Carlito, Cody, and Benjamin. Ross and Lawler speculated on each of the potential G.M.s left. Cody tossed Carlito over the top, but Carlito scurried back under the bottom rope before his feet hit the floor. Those four fought for several minutes. Cody skinned the cat after a Carlito toss. After a Shelton kick, Carlito tossed him over the top. Shelton overhead suplexed Sandman off the second rope. As Carlito and Benjamin fought on the ring apron, Sandman knocked them to the floor to apparently win. William Regal snuck into the ring after hiding under the ring for the entire battle royal (copyright Bobby Heenan) and tossed Sandman out. He ran around celebrating the win like Kurt Angle winning the Gold. They shouldn't have teased us with the Sandman-Vince McMahon dynamic, which was full of potential fun skits. Regal and Coach vying for Vince's approval could be fun, too, as both Regal and Coach are good characters, but Sandman would have shaken things up more. They showed a clip of Regal supposedly injuring his ankle earlier in the match, his excuse for not participating until the end. His ankle, though, was just fine as he showed off doing squats during his celebration.

WINNER: Regal in 13:00.

STAR RATING: * -- Pretty bland match, but the stakes were high enough that it was intriguing to watch the eliminations play out.

[Commercial Break]

-They replayed the finish of the battle royal.

-Back in Vince's office, Coach lamented Regal becoming Raw G.M. Vince said he holds in his hand two different letters from congress. He said two different congressional committees want to investigate WWE at the same time. "Does that make any sense to you whatsoever? None. I mean, you might as well have Barney Fife from the old Andy Griffith Show," he said. When he brought up Benjamin Franklin as a former president, Coach said he wasn't a president. Vince said Coach looked worried, but he wasn't out of a job. He said he is now Regal's assistant. He told him that Regal likes his tea to be hot.

-Back at ringside, Lawler asked Ross if he just compared congress to Barney Fife. Ross said he did.

-They went to a video of Triple H. Afterward, Todd Grisham interviewed King Booker and Queen Sharmell. Booker said Triple H is no king. He said he's no more than a thug, just like Jerome Lawler. Booker brought up next week's MSG event. He said the loser of the Booker vs. Lawler match will have to put the crown on the head of the winner next week at Madison Square Garden. Lawler said he's going to crown him with his fist.

-A graphic plugged John Cena as a guest on Carlito's Cabana later.

[Commercial Break]

2 -- SNITSKY vs. RORY (w/Robbie)

Lawler: "Snitsky's teeth are so yellow, when he smiles, cars slow down." The match was only a few seconds longer than it took Lawler to say that one-liner.

WINNER: Snitsky in 0:30.

STAR RATING: 1/2*

-Coach walked up to Vince backstage and said Regal was showering, so he took an important call on his behalf. He said he should take the call because it's his accountant. Vince talked to George the Accountant. He said, "Yeah? You're kidding me. The other shoe drops, right? I don't care. Open 'em all up. We've got nothing to hide. Nope, I don't care about that, either. They should audit every single thing we have. You know what, I would suggest to you the very same thing will happen this time that happened last time - they're going to end up owing me money." Vince said the I.R.S. is investigating him. Coach said that's not fun. Vince said it's not fun at all. "The media is going to have a field day with this," he said. He said someone is going to come up with a theory that he's laundering money as a result of doing business with some sort of Colombian drug cartel. He asked Coach what the difference is between the news media and WWE. "Not a damn thing," Vince said. "Because we're both in the entertainment business. Facts don't have a damn thing to do with facts anymore." He said if rolled up all of the news shows, you're have Entertainment Tonight. As Vince walked away, they showed I.R.S. reading Financial Times in the background. Vince remains a specialist at blurring the lines between his reality and his storylines on TV with the result being some people end up confused as to the difference, a potential goal being that it diffuses the impact. Congressional investigations are real, no matter what the TV spin ends up being. So far, very predictable and par for the course from Vince, as he uses his TV to vent about his real life frustrations. The pertinent question is whether the viewers find it entertaining to watch McMahon complain about the media and government segment after segment. Everyone has problems, but few take it to their jobs and expect customers to listen to them complain about them under the guise of it being a legitimate part of entertainment. From a strategy standpoint, Vince is trying to rally the troops - the same type of people who wore the WWE buttons at his 1994 trial.

[Commercial Break]

-Jillian Hall stood mid-ring. She asked Lilian Garcia about her new album coming out. She named the title, which is Spanish for "I Want to Live." Jillian asked the crowd if they want to hear her sing. The crowd cheered and Lilian got excited. Jillian said she was kidding, because the fans want to hear her sing. She then did a Brooke Hogan imitation. The crowd nearly drowned her out with boos. Then Mickie James's music did. Lawler asked Ross to check to see if his ears are bleeding.

3 -- MICKIE JAMES vs. JILLIAN HALL

Ross said Jillian may not be able to sing, but she can wrestle. Two minutes of rapid-fire action ending with a clean win for Jillian after a full nelson side jam. Jillian stared down Lilian afterward. Lilian looked confused about her preoccupation with her.

WINNER: Jillian in 2:00.

STAR RATING: 1/2*

-Coach congratulated, reluctantly, Regal backstage. Regal said he is so looking forward to him being his assistant. Coach said, "It's executive assistant." Regal said he's always wanted to be host of a gameshow. He said now that he's G.M. of Raw, he can do as he wishes, so he ordered Coach to round up a set and contestants. He said he wanted a live version of "The Dating Game" set up later, his favorite American game show. He also asked for some Earl Gray.

-Ross narrated a clip of Carlito spitting a chewed up apple at Cena.

[Commercial Break]

-A Summerslam commercial aired with generic footage of WWE performers as Latin-ish pop song played.

-Carlito came out for Carlito's Cabana.

HOUR TWO

-John Cena came out and said Carlito has let him be special host of a "Cena's Cabana." He went on to interview himself. He walked back and forth between two places in the ring as if he were two people - interviewer and subject of interview. A clip aired of Carlito's Cabana last week with Carlito, Cena, and Randy Orton. Cena described Orton as a "metrosexual." The men in the crowd grew increasingly unimpressed with Cena as scattered boos and a brief "Cena sucks" chant could be heard by deep voices among the kids and women's screams. Cena said it's time for "Cabana's Top Three Reasons He Should Trash the Cabana and Beat the Crap Out of Carlito." He held up a coconut shell and said, "Reason number three: These are the only nuts Carlito will ever have." He said reason two is that Carlito in real life doesn't like apples as he'd "rather swallow a banana." Carlito jumped up from the lounge chair and got in Cena's face. They went nose-to-nose and Cena said reason one is because "that is cool." He attacked Carlito. Orton snuck in behind and went after Cena. Cena fended him off quickly. Orton backed down as Cena gave Carlito an FU. Regal's music played and Regal walked out. He said Carlito and Orton could decide between themselves which of the two would face Cena in the TV main event. Cena smiled.

-Backstage, they showed Booker and Sharmell approaching the entrance tunnel.

[Commercial Break]

-Backstage, Regal asked Orton and Carlito what decision they came up with. Orton said since Carlito beat him last week, and since he's facing him at Summerslam, there's no need for either of them to wrestle Cena. Carlito said together they came up with a great opponent for Cena, the IC Champ Umaga. Regal smiled and said he liked their idea. Carlito said it's cool. McMahon asked Regal to sit. Vince said he likes the match. He then asked if he could confide him in. Vince said not everyone was concerned about his alleged demise. He said his son Shane was "missing in action, conveniently, and wanted nothing to do with any of this." He said Stephanie the week after his apparent demise, Steph gave this impassioned speech about him, yet he found out she had visited several attorney's to find out what slice of the pie she'd get. He said his wife of 41 years was found being consoled by a long-time employee of his, Basil Devito. He said he has to find a way to bring his family back together. "It's time for the goodness in me to come out," he said, adding that nothing can stop his family from getting back together. He looked upward and smiled.

4 -- JERRY LAWLER vs. KING BOOKER (w/Sharmell)

Booker took control at 2:00 and held Lawler down with an overhand wristlock. Lawler escaped and went for a dropkick. Booker sidestepped him and continued to control the match. At 5:00 Lawler came back with a series of punches, but Booker tossed Lawler to ringside. Lawler met Booker with a punch. Sharmell distracted Lawler, leading to a scissors kick from Lawler (which turned into one of the most ill-timed, poorly executed scissor kicks ever with an early, awkward bump from Lawler and just a graze of the boot by Booker. Ross said that means Lawler must crown King Booker the official King next week on Raw at MSG.

WINNER: Booker in 6:00.

STAR RATING: *

-They showed Mr. Kennedy approaching the entrance tunnel backstage.

[Commercial Break]

-Extended clips aired of Kennedy injuring Bobby Lashley's shoulder. Ross said Lashley has a torn rotator cuff as a result of last week's match. He said tomorrow Dr. James Andrews will perform surgery on him. Ross said they wish him the best as he's a world class human being. Kennedy then walked to the ring. He said what Lashley will be hearing from now on is "Kennedy! Kennedy! Kennedy! Kennedy! Kennedy! Kennedy! Kennedy! Kennedy!" Boy, did that get annoying. They cut to a break as he went on and on.

[Commercial Break]

-They went backstage to Carlito and Orton giving Umaga a pep talk. Ross plugged the scheduled main event.

-The Dating Game began. They created an imitation of the logo and music. Does anyone who's young enough to be a fan of Cena have a memory of this show, even in reruns? Duggan said, "I have my suit, I have my tie, and I have a massive piece of wood." Regal said, "That's not what I hear." Ron Simmons was the other contestant. Regal said he known for drinking, gambling, and a very limited vocabulary. Simmons said, "Damn!" Regal said, "I didn't see that one coming." The third contestant was Santino Marella. Regal said he got brutalized by "U-mang-gah" the same way be brutalizes the English language. Marella said, "I'm in lots of pain." Then he smiled. The "lovey diva" was then introduced, who Regal said loves sunsets, walks on the beach, and "Rainbow Bright." Maria came out to her intro song.

Maria asked Bachelor #1 how she'll know he'll be gentleman since she likes a man with manners. He said, "Well one thing's for sure. I won't call you a hooooooo!" Oh, yes, puns are so fun! She asked Bachelor #2 if he was lucky enough to bring her breakfast in bed, what would he make her. He said, "Spram!" Maria said, "I love Spam." She asked Bachelor #3 if she was an ice cream cone... Marella interrupted and said it was him, Santino Marella, so just pick him because everyone wants to see them together. Maria said she knows Santino well and that's the worst Santino impersonation she's ever heard. Maria asked Simmons what war he'd stop since she's against war. He said, "Nam!" Santino interrupted again and said the other two contestants are saying things like they don't like puppies or babies. He said, "They're monsters." He came across strongly heelish. Maria said, "That's awful. I love babies and puppies." Duggan interrupted told Marella if he wants to lie, return to Italy, because "tonight you're in the good ol' U. S. of A. Duggan and Santino stood up. Regal yelled for them to "shut up!" Regal asked Maria which bachelor she chose to go out with. The crowd cheered Duggan and Simmons, then booed Santino. Maria said she's a sucker for the strong, silent type. She picked Simmons. Simmons walked over and hugged her. Santino interrupted their embrace. He said they can't go out because Simmons is a creep. "And besides, we are already a couple." Maria said it was just for fun. Simmons told him to "Scram!" Santino said he can't talk to him like that because he's a former IC Champ. He said that he and Maria were going to leave together. Umaga's music played. Santino scrammed out of the ring and through the crowd.

[Commercial Break]

-A man walked into the room and had Coach sign a summons. He told him to deliver it to Mr. McMahon. Coach read over it and looked worried. He seemed almost relieved and said he had to go find Mr. McMahon with the paperwork.

5 -- JOHN CENA vs. UMAGA

Lawler rejoined Ross on commentary. He said it wasn't a good night. The match began with eight minutes left in the second hour. Umaga stomped Cena to the mat early. At 2:00 a chant of "Cena Sucks" broke out. Cena came back with a blockbuster, but Umaga fired right back with a kick to the face. Cena rolled to the floor.

[Commercial Break]

After the break, Umaga had Cena in a nerve hold. They showed a clip of Umaga knocked Cena off the apron during the commercial, with Cena falling into the announce table. Cena fought out of the nerve hold after a minute. Cena lifted Umaga for an FU, but fell froward and Umaga landed on the back of his head. Ouch. Umaga slowly stalked Cena in the corner. There was brief inaudible dialogue between the two. Cena came back and went to the top rope, but when he dove off. Umaga caught him and slammed him hard to the mat with a sidewalk slam. Lawler said that was the hardest sidewalk slam by Umaga ever. Umaga followed with a top rope splash attempt, but Cena moved. Cena applied an STFU mid-ring at 8:00. Orton and Carlito charged to the ring and attacked Cena.

WINNER: Cena via DQ in 8:00.

STAR RATING: *1/2 - Basic action that you'd expect from Cena and Umaga. Served it's purpose of protecting both guys while giving each some big moments. Orton and Carlito encouraged Umaga to go after Cena, but Umaga instead punched Orton. Then he grabbed Carlito b the hair and superkicked him in the chin. Umaga set up a corner butt splash on Carlito, but Carlito slipped out of the ring. Regal's music played and he walked out onto the stage. He said the decision by Orton and Carlito to use Umaga came back to haunt them, but he had a solution - Orton & Carlito would face Cena & Umaga next week on Raw. Umaga stuck his tongue out and made his one facial expression. Cena recovered and chased Orton to the back.

-Backstage, Vince McMahon walked past a number of wrestlers and made small talk. London smiled in exaggerated fashion. Vince told him to keep the smile on his face. Vince then left the arena and approached his limo in a virtual replay of the scene from two months earlier. He stopped, took a deep breath, and looked back at the arena. Then he nervously walked toward his limo. He then reached for the door handle, paused, got in, pulled his foot up, put his foot back on the ground (this time you could see he was still there), and then Coach ran out yelling, "No, no, no." He said it's a summons he signed for. He said he really ought to read it. Vince told him to tell him. Coach said the State of Connecticut says he is being served with a paternity suit for an "illegitimate child he sired." He said, "Apparently there's another member of the McMahon family running around out there somewhere." Vince looked like he had an onset of food poisoning.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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