If you think WWE's Raw product is bad right now, check out what WWE put together for the Christmas Week edition of Raw five years ago, guest-hosted by then-MLB player Johnny Damon. Plus, there was build-up to Bret Hart returning to WWE TV, which occurred on the first Raw of 2010 against TNA Impact with Hulk Hogan...

KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
DECEMBER 21, 2009
LIVE FROM TAMPA, FLA.
AIRED ON USA NETWORK

[Q1]

-Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler introduced the show and hyped that Hornswoggle would finally take DX to court. They played the old "People's Court" theme song in the background. They also plugged John Cena vs. Jack Swagger.

-Justin Roberts introduced J-eee-yonn-ee Day-mmmon" more recently of the New York Yankees. He slapped hands on his way to the ring, although he was initially booed because, well, he's been a Yankee. The announcers pointed that out. He stood mid-ring and wished everyone a Merry Christmas. He looked supremely nervous and unsure of himself holding a mic center-stage while getting booed. He talked in sentence fragments like a nervous third grader M.C.ing a talent show. He said he's a free agent next year, but tonight he's hosting "Rawwwww!" We could tell from that he has a terrible singing voice. He said tonight he's in charge of the WWE Raw franchise. He said something about a secret Santa at which point an angry blond chased someone in a tiger mascot outfit into the ring while waving a golf club wildly. It was an extreme, extremely lame cultural reference to Tiger Woods. Words don't really describe the lameness of that. Damon then awkwardly introduced the Divas.

1 -- GAIL KIM & MELINA & KELLY KELLY vs. MARYSE & ALICIA FOX & JILLIAN HALL

The Divas were dressed in Christmas-themed outfits.

WINNERS: Kim & Melina & Kelly in 2:00 when Kelly pinned Maryse. As usual, just a bunch of random action with a forgettable finish. The message is clear that they're just there to show off their legs for a couple minutes and smile a lot, but what they do doesn't count the same way it does for male wrestlers.

-Cole said Santa Claus will make one wrestler's wish come true. Lawler plugged the Hornswoggle court case against DX was up next. [c]

-An ECW ad aired hyping Yoshi Tatsu vs. Jack Swagger in an "ECW Homecoming Match."

-Watching Cole try to seem genuinely enthusiastic about introducing the Hornswoggle-DX segment is awkward.

-They went backstage to Triple H and Shawn Michaels acting zany. Triple H called Michaels a "lazy-eyed Mr. Magoo." They read their summons that said they had to go to the ring. It was taped earlier when the arena was empty but the Raw set was in place. Michaels told Triple H they had to go under the ring "where that little troll lives." Triple H didn't want to go under there ("It's a small space and it'd dirty, and you know I don't like to get dirty..."), but finally gave in.

[Q2]

The camera followed them under there where it was dark, but apparently quite echoing. They talked about how pitch black it was, and on and on. Yawn. Michaels pulled out a DX glow stick to light up the area. They plugged the WWE merchandise table and website available of the sticks. Double-yawn. The lights then came on and they were in the back hallways of an arena. Michaels said, "It's like a whole other freaky world down here." They walked down the hallway and saw a sign that said, "Small People's Court." They walked into the room and there was a small courtroom setting with a small person jury and a small person judge and even a small person bailiff. Triple H tried not to laugh at the little people. He called the female judge "Little Judge Judy." The bailiff hit Michaels with a stick, dropping him to his knees. Triple H noticed the bailiff had a pony tail like Michaels. Hunter said the resemblance was "uncanny." Then he hit Triple H. They both sat on small folding chairs. In walked Hornswoggle. Michaels interpreted Hornswoggle's rambling which said he's suing them for emotional distress. Then a TV showed DX harassing him and insulting him. Triple H told Michaels it doesn't look good for them. The WWE voiceover guy said: "How will this courtroom drama unfold? We'll find out when this Little People's Court unfolds later on Monday Night Raw." Ugh.

-They went back to ringside, but saved us from having to watch Lawler and Cole laugh at something they didn't find funny. Instead, they went right to the ring intros for the next match.

2 -- RANDY ORTON & CODY RHODES & TED DIBIASE vs. KOFI KINGSTON & MARK HENRY & EVAN BOURNE

WINNER: Kingston & Bourne & Henry in 11:00.

STAR RATING: **1/4 -- Good six-man tag match. Everyone played their roles very well and good execution throughout.

-Damon was partying with Divas and Santa backstage. Carlito walked up to Eve and noted that they're standing under mistletoe. He made a kiss-face, but she walked away. Masters walked up to him they shoved each other. Santa interrupted. Carlito yanked his beard down and revealed it was Santa. Damon booked Carlito vs. Masters. Sarge noted the mistletoe above them. Damon said no way and walked away. Sarge jokingly wanted him to honor the mistletoe. [c]

-WWE Fact: In addition to 1.5 million females - more males watched Raw last week than any show on ABC, CW, Fox, and NBC. (Therefore, not more than CBS, apparently.)

-A recap aired of "The Little People's Court" skit earlier. Hunter said he thought this was all "a little misunderstanding." Michaels said something about "being short." He suddenly apologized. Another clip aired of DX tricking Hornswoggle into thinking he was part of DX, only to have Triple H give him a Pedigree. They went back to the court room where DX were declared guilty. Michaels freaked out and said they won't be able to force Hornswoggle into being accepted into DX. Michaels said he'd have to prove himself and said something about climbing a bean stalk. Hornswoggle and the rest of the little people began pelting them with paper cups. They ran from the room and tried to hold the door closed, then ran away cartoon screaming. They popped out from under the ring breathless. Michaels got yanked back under the ring, but Hunter pulled him back out, but not without a struggle. Triple H said, "That was freaky." Uh, no, Hunter, that was stupid.

-They cut to a crowd shot as Lawler asked, "Did that really happen? Did we just see that?"

-Cena was shown heading toward the entrance stage backstage as Cole plugged his match against Swagger was up next.

[Q4] [c]

3 -- JOHN CENA vs. JACK SWAGGER

[Q5] Cole reset the show with the usual comments about Raw being the longest-running episodic show in history. Cena made a comeback with a belly-to-belly for a two count at 8:00. Swagger caught a charging Cena with a boot to the face. Swagger used a swing splash out of the corner to score another two count on Cena. Cena countered a gut-wrench suplex attempt. Cena then hit two flying shoulders and went into the rest of his finishing routine, including a round of boos and cheers for his "You can't see me" hand wave. Swagger surprised Cena, though. He lifted Cena and powered him to the mat for another two count. They're giving Swagger a lot here. Lawler said he's not sure if Swagger won if it'd be considered a huge upset or not. Cena went for a top rope legdrop a minute later, but Swagger moved. Swagger went for another swing splash out of the corner, but Cena moved and then applied his STF. Swagger tapped out after about five seconds.

WINNER: Cena in 11:00.

STAR RATING: **1/2 -- Very nice TV match. Swagger was given a boost by lasting this long with Cena. He's still got everything it takes to be a big star and earn millions in WWE if they stays on course with backstage politics and working hard to improve.

-Damon talked to another Santa, this one obviously Dusty Rhodes. MVP walked in and said he wants an opportunity to earn a title shot. He suggested MVP vs. Sheamus tonight. Dusty said, "You remind me a lot of myself; you can walk the walk and talk the talk." MVP pulled down his beard and asked Dream why he's wearing a Santa suit. Dusty asked, "Did my polka dots give it away?" He had yellow dots on his suit. Dusty said Damon can make it happen. Damon liked it. He said, "It's on." [c]

[Q6]

4 -- CARLITO vs. CHRIS MASTERS

During ring intros, Cole plugged the Johnny Damon Foundation. Eve sat at ringside. Carlito applied an early sleeper. Masters came back with an early win with a Master Lock applied when he caught Carlito in mid-air. Eve smiled and applauded. Cole said once she entered his life, Masters has become "unstoppable."

WINNER: Masters in 2:00.

-Cole threw to a video package on the "Tribute to the Troops" special that aired on NBC on Saturday. Nice video package. [c]

-Miz confronted Santa about something he didn't get when he was nine years old. He made another list of what he wants. Santa de-beareded and it was I.R.S. He told Miz he could be audited. Miz told I.R.S. he better pay up on back taxes on his Ford Focus. The woman charged after the tiger again with a golf club, screeching, "There's more!" Miz told I.R.S. to find out if that tiger deducted his girlfriends. Damon walked in and said he paid his taxes. I.R.S. said those baseball players are the biggest tax cheats of them all. Mae Young walked in and kissed and tackled Damon. Lawler chortled, "It's the ghost of Mrs. Claus."

-Sheamus's ring intro too place. Cole said, "There is nothing funny about this man." [c]

[Q7]

-Cole announced that Timbaland hosts next week's Raw. No announcement yet on Jan. 4's guest host. TNA did a run an ad for the Jan. 4 Impact focused on Hulk Hogan earlier in this show, likely a regional cable purchase instead of a national USA Network buy.

5 -- SHEAMUS vs. MVP

Sheamus was aggressive at the start. He cut off several MVP comeback attempts nearly instantly. He gave MVP the running released edge for the win.

WINNER: Sheamus in 2:00.

-Cena walked to the and demanded his rematch "right now!" Cena got in his silly "I'm ready for a fight" stance. Sheamus bailed out to the floor. The fans booed. Sheamus teased a return to the ring, but then backed out again. [c]

[Q8]

-WWE Fact: Last week, more men 18-34 watched ECW than the NBA on ESPN.

-Vince McMahon shook Damon's hand and told him he was going a good job. McMahon told him he has "that sardine breath" going for him. He told him he was doing a great job. He asked if he was going to do anything about Cena challenging Sheamus. Damon booked it for next week. Damon asked McMahon if there's any truth to Bret Hart hosting Raw. McMahon avoided the question. Damon told the make-up lady he's a jerk.

6 -- SANTINO CLAUS vs. THE MIZ

Santino was dressed as Santa. He said, "Santino Claus doesn't feel like being very nice." Miz beat him up at the bell, pounding him with punches. Santino made a comeback at 1:30 and went for a top rope headbutt, but Miz moved. Miz then gave Santino the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.

WINNER: The Miz in 2:00.

-A recap aired of the DX skit earlier.

-Josh Matthews interviewed The Big Show backstage. He said his reaction to this Christmas edition of Raw is that he's going to the ring to call out the real Santa Claus. He said if he doesn't give him his wish, he'll knock him out. Matthews looked concerned for Santa. [c]

-After a plug for Cena vs. Sheamus next week, they went to the trailer for "The Marine II."

[Q9]

-The Big Show walked to the ring. He demanded to see the real Santa. Out walked someone in an obvious fake beard like the rest of them. Show offered his knee for Santa to sit on. Santa asked Show if he's been a good little boy. Show said he has been. Show said he really, really, really wants his best friend and tag team partner, Chris Jericho, back on Raw. Santa said Jericho has been such a bad boy all year. Show vouched for him being a good guy. Santa asked if he really wants that. Show said more than anything. Santa said if that's what he really wants, Jericho will be back on Raw. Show hugged Santa and said he's the best. Out from under the ring came Hornswoggle in DX gear. He looked at Santa, then ripped off his beard revealing Jericho. A bunch of other little people came out from under the ring, all dressed in DX gear, surrounded Jericho. Jericho stood there in a bit of shock. Jericho took off the rest of his Santa suit. Lawler said, "This is the most bizarre night in the history of the WWE." They all swarmed Jericho. He shoved them off one at a time. Big Show helped. Show gave the last remaining little DX Army member a side slam. Jericho rolled Hornswoggle into the ring. Show threatened to beat him up. Hornswoggle begged off. Hornswoggle stomped the mat a la Shawn Michaels. He delivered Sweet Shin Music to Jericho. As Show was about to chokeslam him, DX charged into the ring for the save.

Triple H and Michaels stood in the ring with Hornswoggle. Hunter said with a smile, "Shawn, let's squash him!" Michaels said it's Christmas so they can't squash him. Michaels said the little guy is starting to grow on him Hornswoggle smiled and did a Michaels pose. Hunter said, "I have to admit I don't hate him as much as I used to, too." Michaels asked Hunter, "Can we keep him? I promise I'll clean out his cage, feed him, take him for walks. Come on, can we keep him?" Hunter said they can't let him in DX because they have a height requirement. "That's why Jericho's not in DX," Hunter didn't actually say. Hunter told Hornswoggle if he drops the whole court thing, they can't make him a full DX member, but he can become the official DX mascot. Hornswoggle loved it and hopped around the ring crotch chopping. The DX music played as fake snow fell in the arena and the three saluted the fans. Cole gave a final plug to Sheamus vs. Cena for next week's final Raw of 2009.

FINAL THOUGHTS: There are some weeks I just don't know what to say. This is one of them.

[Torch art credit Travis Beaven (c) PWTorch.com]

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