By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

There's a 140 percent chance you'll like this article. And, if you start getting bored, I'll just be like my man Michael Cole and start insanely ranting.

The main problem that exists with the Cole character is that there’s too much negativity. Bobby Heenan and Jesse Ventura had some hidden charms while they were lambasting Hogan for being a coward. Cole rants and rants and it makes fans rant and rant because Vince and company believe it’s entertaining to hear somebody rag on Daniel Bryan for the 100th time. I like a good rant, too. I’m apt to listen to Jim Cornette blasting Vince Russo. I’m not so for Cole putting himself over. I don’t really care for Cole losing his shirt during a Smackdown match the few remaining viewers are watching.

And there’s no strong face counter to Cole, a la Gorilla or JR. Just Booker saying, “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” like a brain-damaged parakeet. What exactly Booker talking about? Inquiring minds want to know. You’ve got an announcing system in WWE that feels unbalanced and is ass-backwards.

-- Last week's Raw was ass-backwards as well. I truly believe John Cena has reached the maxinum level of babyface. Perhaps Cena should sacrifice himself and purchase WWE Network passes for everyone.

Why did Cena give up his WWE Title shot to give Zack Ryder a chance? To drag this Cena potential heel turn even further and to give a big overexposed and unwanted rub to Zack Ryder. Ryder: People watch my YouTube show, but they won‘t watch my matches. Come on, Dolph Ziggler, educate this fool!

-- WWE keeps teasing that big badasses are going to come out (Brodus Clay, Kane, Jonah Hill) but they're too busy shopping. Last night, I saw Kane driving around in his Prius, being happy and festive!

-- You know who looks the strongest coming into the PPV? Triple H. Yeah, the guy who hasn’t been on TV. He’s been safe from the Raw writers. Trips will trade sexually frustrated faces with Kevin Nash. At the PPV, Mr. Nash will show up in his rented car, eat some stuff in the back, catch some of the late football game, send out some tweets, bash Trips’s head into a bloody spot, and then head off to Walmart.

Trips vs. Kevin Nash is a ladder match with a sledgehammer on top. So there won’t be any sledgehammers, axes, or guns under the ring, right? Why is it a boring sledgehammer? Why not get with the spirit of the times and have a pepper spray gun up there?

You might be wondering why Kevin Nash, the man who once snapped his knee in the extremely dangerous act of walking across the ring, is in a dangerous ladder match. Well, we told Nash to hang up some Christmas lights up on his house as a test. He hasn’t got past the second rung, but give him another ten hours to complete the job.




-- It’s hard to believe Miz as a credible killer if he’s all too ready to tell late-night talk show hosts, “Oh, I just play a character on TV.” Alberto Del Rio’s in the PPV main event because they need another body.

Didn’t C.M. Punk call himself out on Twitter for using a gay slur at a fan? So the ol' “you guys are butt-buddies/not that there’s anything wrong with that” lame quip gets a pass?

-- There’s not much to say at this point with TNA. Their year really ended for me when James Storm lost his title belt quickly to Robert Roode. I wasn’t so angered with TNA messing things up with Roode not winning at Bound for Glory, because I haven’t been following the Canuck’s career for eight years, and honestly, I think he’s more effective as a heel. What’s real troubling about TNA in 2011 is that nearly all of their PPV championship matches were a sham, a joke, an embarassment. It kind of makes people not want to buy the PPVs.

I hope TNA’s ratings sink below 1.0 so that TNA brings in … Linda Hogan and another Bischoff to shake things up.

I know, I’m sorry for bringing that idea up. But, you don't care about wrestling. You care about Linda vs. Hulk!

I can understand why Karen Jarrett is still plaguing my TV screen in an ineffective role, but why is RVD fighting Robbie E.?

-- Back to WWE. People aren’t buying WWE PPVs as much as they used to. Heck, compared to a decade ago, there aren’t as many wrestling fans left. And, while I’m resistant to this WWE Network idea spouting up, WWE has to do something.

Of course, they could put out a better product, lower the price of the PPVs, and not have one every three weeks with the booking foundation equivalent to soggy mud, but hey, let’s give this network deal a whirl.

The next Wrestlemania should be left alone to the ol’ PPV model. The next PPV, Backlash, should be broadcast on WWE Network. And, Rock vs. Cena II would do mighty fine in urging people to force their cable company to carry WWE Network.




-- WWE Network can work for me if they take these routes:

-Provide high-quality visual and audio of old matches. There’s this site called “YouTube” where I can pretty much watch any wrestling match. You might want to provide a stronger alternative.

-Showcase critically acclaimed wrestling PPVs, DVDs, and adult movies starring Chyna.

-Showcase dumb-as-hell reality shows because MTV does it.

-Have a fake newscast show with Mean Gene that discusses…what people tweet.

-Keep the airings of “Inside/Out,” “Knucklehead,” “The Chaperone,” and “The Marine” to a mininum.

-Be online-compatible as much as possible. Many shows are available online, and this Network should follow suit.

-Have the network itself cost $50 a month. Tee hee!

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