By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I’m just sayin’ you could do better
Tell me have you heard that lately
I’m just sayin’ you could do better
And I’ll start hatin’ only if you make me”
-“Marvin’s Room” by Drake

Millions of wrestling fans wet themselves on the last Smackdown. The cause? Mark Henry’s badass commentary. “IMMA BEAT YOUR BRAINS OUT!” I think I’m going to hire Mark Henry to read aloud my absurdity articles. Enough of this “humorous take” stuff, I want to inspire pee-inducing fear from you all.




It was pure sweetness listening to Henry know what to do when commentating. Probably the proudest moment was when Cole asked the question, “So who would win in a fight between Daniel Bryan and Hornswoggle har har har?” and then Mark Henry verbally smacked Cole upside his goofy head for asking such a stupid question that had nothing to do with the match. And, man, an announcer actually stood up to Cole and did not just repeat what Cole said! Whoa!

You might have heard about a beloved veteran on Smackdown. He’s been in the game for years. Instead of looking like a middle linebacker, he’s more of the punter variety. At first he was a humble champion, but now he’s showing signs of being a smarmy prick who tries to outsmart his opponents by any means necessary. Here’s a pic:




I’m liking how Daniel Bryan is developing as a character. It’s nice to be an Internet darling, but he needs more to go on than just Mikey Cole calling him a nerd. And, for some strange, unexplainable reason, I would like to see Mark Henry in the World championship match at Wrestlemania. Perhaps a four-way involving Henry, Show, Orton, and Bryan?

Anyone catch the finish to the Broncos-Steelers game? Man, you couldn’t script it any better (unless you're a Steelers fan). I mention this because I’m three-fourths of the way through the TNA Genesis PPV at the time of this sentence and the only thing that stood out so far…was Devon hugging his sons. Cue up Elton John and the piano. Awwwwww. It’s so sweet.

I need something to counteract this mamby-pamby stuff :



That’s better.

Velvet blabbing to germophobe Sting…well, at least it wasn’t Karen Jarrett. But, TNA is still in love with their characters delivering Gettysburg addresses on PPV broadcasts. Remember to keep telling yourself that not everybody follows your product and keep hand-written notes (basically, not every wrestling fan liked the show “Lost”).

It takes a special kind of TNA stupid to mess up that Pope-Devon feel-good finish. I was kinda hoping Pope would pull it out, so that TNA could convey the message that a father’s love for his sons just won’t overcome a pimp’s hand. Pope then goes out to the Booty Booty Club and boast about his hard victory...over Devon. “Say what? You beat Devon? For real? You a playa!”

After the Gunner-RVD match, many fans were wishing they were the ones on the receiving end of that DDT on concrete. You gotta love RVD coming down the ramp these days. “Okay, let’s do this thing. Some flips, some kicks, head gets cracked, I suffer from brain hemorrhaging, yadda yadda yadda, I get some cake in the back, nice."

A distraught-looking Ric Flair finds himself these days hanging around that hairy hillbilly Gunner, who looks like he sidelines as a meth dealer. Wouldn’t Ric be embarrassed about seeing in public with shaggy Gunner? Wouldn’t anybody? And, could they put a cartoon bubble over Flair's head so we can find out what he's thinking having to manage Gunner?

Zombie bodies are human bodies, but with changed properties. Normal nervous system activity seems lacking, and only motor control exists. They do not feel pain, or at least, sell it. Given this, I’m pretty sure you could have replaced Abyss and Bully Ray with zombies. Zombies also slow down the action and no-sell. And, instead of zombie Bully Ray saying “braiiinnsss,” you could train it to say “ballllllsssss” after taking a cheese grater to his manbag. Zombies: The future of dumbass hardcore wrestling. Look into it.

I'm actually a proopponent of hardcore matches, but only if the situation and the feud dictates it for it to be elevated to that level. Bully Ray and Abyss mindlessly hitting each other with weapons? No good. Truly brain-dead stuff.

The real reason why the Mickie James-Gail Kim match had Madison Rayne suspended in a cage? To be a distraction to this Knockouts match, where wrestling matters? Or, to be another booking brain fart? Probably the latter.

Bobby Boob doesn’t care about the wrestling world. Sadly, the wrestling world doesn’t care too much about Bobby. Fans can debate whether or not it’s Bobby’s fault or TNA’s fault. I do hope that TNA sticks with Bobby as champion and not give into Jeffmania. The problem is that right now it’s somewhat hard to enjoy Booby as heel champion (by comparison, I loved what WWE did with Mark Henry’s championship run).

Bobby’s going to do whatever it takes to remain champion in his match with Jeff. Oh no. Bobby’s going to go Hunter S. Thompson on poor Jeff! I am surprised that not more was done by TNA heels regarding Jeff Hardy. Instead of heels bringing out drug-sniffing dogs and calling the police to arrest this criminal, Jeff Hardy gets a title shot because he tries hard, is on the right path, and, gosh darn it, people really like him.

I think I like WWE’s tag team division better right now. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have oily goofballs telling me how they’re the destroyer of lives and other sort of silliness. But, who knows, maybe Evan Bourne will cut a promo screaming about how he sucks out souls.

To me, the PPV veered wildly off course when TNA, right before Storm-Angle, cut away to some random chef and talked about how he was a TNA V.I.P. guy. The concept of the “WWE Universe” doesn’t have V.I.P.s for a reason. So, this random dude who many people aren’t familiar with is so important you have to cut away to him seconds before Storm-Angle kicks off? And shouldn’t all TNA fans be lumped into one distinction so that they don’t feel singled out because they’re not some "celebrity" who happened to pay more and be the husband of some wrestler? I can understand if you cut away to one of the WWE's Highlanders or Screech or Tila Tequila or somebody from "Work It," but some chef who I have never head of before?




Later, there was some weird sort of follow-up that Bully Ray ended the existence of Abyss with a door(?), but TNA production struck again and cut away to the next video package because of their current desire to end their PPV as quickly as possible. Abyss is gone? I’ve always liked you, Bully Ray.

I would like for James Storm to now fight somebody else than Kurt Angle, but I don’t know who else it could be. Perhaps Booby Roode? Nah. Nobody wants that.

A fire alarm sprung in my apartment complex during the Jeff-Booby main event, so I waited outside, desperate to learn if Bobby urged Jeff to go down the rabbit hole. Turns out Robert Roode retained after another DQ finish. You’re supposed to hate him because he cheats, because he ends TNA PPVs on a sour note, or because he simply didn’t kick Earl in the manbag once the bell rang like you, me, and everybody else would have done if we were chickens--t heel champion in a regular match.

Here’s a quick recap of the PPV matches:

X Division match: Expected goodness.
Devon-Pope: (sings) “Can’t…you feel…the love tonight…”
Gunner vs. RVD: Hooray! Massive brain damage!
Gail Kim vs. Mickie: Overbooking.
Bully Ray vs. Abyss: Balls.
Tag Team Match: Like drinking an expired energy drink.
Storm-Angle: Like drinking really warm beer.
Bobby Roode vs. Jeff Hardy: I’m clinging onto the championship because TNA champions don’t get paid in food stamps. I’ve got car payments, Sting! Every frickin’ month!

TNA PPVs do seem like a relic, like they’re not really taking place in 2012. The handling of Bobby Boob’s championship reign might be safe and sound, but no one is talking about TNA’s PPVs the next day. No rings explode, no fire shoots out of the ring, no new fan favorites become champions, no excitement, no sizzle, no nothing. Take WWE and ROH out of the picture for this discussion. Will you be thinking about this PPV after Monday? When was TNA’s last “Money in the Bank” PPV moment? Bound For Glory? That one with the lame finish? We’re supposed to hang our hat on that?

The typical TNA PPV reaction is “I loved it so much suck it down u WWE luvers” or “It was like getting a cheesegrater to the balls.” Perhaps Genesis’s reaction should be “Meh. It happened.” How can a PPV called “Genesis” be so uneventful? I remember the Holy Bible’s Genesis having things like the creation of the universe, the Tower of Babel, Noah vs. The Flood, RVD eating cake, yadda yadda yadda.

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