By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

Let's start this weekend absurdity recap with Thursday's TNA Impact. The main qualms I had with Bully Ray messing things up in the Roode-Hardy championship match (think of Impacts after the PPV as your chance to watch the PPV matches you missed) is that Bully didn't come down the ramp jiving and junking like Brodus Clay. Who's the better dancer: Bully Ray or Brodus Clay? My money's on Bully, even though he doesn't dress up like Run DMC.

Move over, Roode's reign, we just found something much better: Daniel Bryan's championship reign. Heck, on the last Smackdown, A.J. might have "proven her love" for Daniel Bryan by taking that Big Show bump (and faked that injury) so that Daniel Bryan could retain his championship. Daniel Bryan chewing out a blubbering Big Show and calling him out a bastard...I'm really enjoying this slow burn for Daniel Bryan. And, to Bryan's credit, he seems comfortable in his role. C.M. Punk may be an Internet darling, but he wouldn't have gotten as far as he did without a presence on the mic. Daniel Bryan is now developing a real character (before he was just the independent guy who Micheal Cole called a nerd) and I'm liking the delicious stuff I'm seeing.

Not so much on the Kane side, where people over the age of five need not apply. Wasn't a big part of Kane's character camp? True, but this is so campy that WWE is lost in the woods and praying for the light of day to lead them home. I don't think you could stop WWE from running that "Oh no, Zack Ryder has to fix a flat before Kane kills him hur hur hur" skit. They all probably wet themselves thinking of that segment that should have been in "See No Evil 2: You Wish You Were Blind." I think the best part was Eve urging Zack to hurry up...all the while, just sitting in the front seat, checking her lipstick, sending out tweets (please, Kharma, come back). We know this Cena-Kane feud is a placeholder for Cena-Rock, but some are calling this the second-worst Kane angle ever. If you're young, impressionable, and like theatrics, you probably think it's cool. If you don't care for Hogan vs. The Dungeon of Doom shlock, a lot of groans are escaping your mouth when watching Raw.

Back to TNA. People are waiting for Robert Roode to lose the strap not because they hate his guts, but because TNA has made his reign so damn boring. The thing they have to fix is that the constant lame finishes are overshadowing what this dude does in the ring. The only way to make his character work is to make his character truly (channeling Jim Ross here) a horrible, no-good, S.O.B. The biggest evil things I remember is him nearly crippling A.J. Styles's ankle and spitting in Dixie's face. (Please. "Oh dear! That unkind gentleman has spat in that noble lady's face, that scourge!") He was doing you a favor, A.J. People were paying attention to you. Now, you're facing off against ... Christopher Daniels.

You don't start a feud with the blow-off (an "I Quit" match featuring best friends who suddenly want each other dead), then at the next PPV have a normal match...then the feud disappears...and now it reappears. Here's two guns, guys. March ten steps, draw, and fire. Daniels dies. TNA would then replay this match on the next Impact. How can they, you ask, with Daniels "dead?"

Oh nichi ki-wah! "It's Curry Man! And, he's packing!"

I honestly believe the next PPV will feature another blah blah blah boring Booby Boob retain. The cherry on top: The next impact, Sting orders Robert to defend his championship...in a normal match. Hey, Stinger, do you watch Impact? Does anybody in TNA watch TNA? Apparently not since Ric Flair was too busy watching his Hall of Fame announcement on Raw during Monday's TV taping.

Of course, TNA wouldn't be that dumb, right? Fans are already getting wise to the opinion that Robert Roode's championship matches typically blow. Would TNA pull the trigger on another "Roode defends the belt on the Impact after the PPV" and have the same outcome? There's no way. TNA's been in the game for ten years. We joke and we gripe, but there's a lot of professionally trained monkeys who work really hard at their jobs, working on shows that feature nutless championship main events that are there to just pop the ratings... or blow-up in TNA's face by not drawing a rating. There's no way they're that dumb and do the same thing three times in a row.

TNA will get people's attention if they give a bigger push to James Storm, who is one of the few TNA wrestlers who I make a point of tuning in for. Angle saying 2011 was a sucky year for TNA was... pretty much correct. TNA in 2012 starts off with a lame championship reign and Bischoff drama. Just give the belt to Jeff Hardy already. He's so freakin' awesome! And, maybe some good PPV main events that leave fans actually feeling satisfied taking part of the PPV.

I would give anything right now for Hulk Hogan to leg drop Garett Bischoff into oblivion right now. You remember Shane McMahon, right? Now there's a son of a wrestling promoter who actually contributed, like willing to do insane moves at PPVs. Nobody knows what contributions Garett Bischoff actually makes, other than being the son of Big Bischoff.

Oh, I get it now. TNA PPV championship matches are like TNA house show matches that the wrestlers do before the big match at the TV taping. Man, I gotta learn to adjust.

From Day One, Robert Roode's character has been about keeping the championship. It's not about glory or honor. It's about keeping the strap so he can afford that new iPhone. (Fact: TNA champions earn above the minimum wage.) So, why doesn't Robert Roode just kick his competitor in the nuts and get intentionally disqualified from the get-go? If he's going to keep getting put in these types of matches, why not do what we all would do (in the kayfabe sense) if we were in that same spot?

Hey, Smackdown. "My name is-a Santino. I looka in my-a crystal ball and I see...me blowing into a breathanalyza on the side-a of the road-a. Eee, that's no good." No, you're right. That was-a low blow right to the family-a jewels.

I swear to goodness Smackdown is full of matches of guys who won't see the light of day after April. Health Slater? Drew McIntyre? That guy in the turban? Most likely gone, because they don't have dancing cheerleaders and a funky entrance song. Dumb Drew McIntyre, not getting jiggy with it with dancers.

Finally, the phrase "UFC" does not exist in the WWE dictionary. UFC is a figment of your imagination. It does not truly exist, and is the result of chemical imbalances in your mind. Stick with us, WWE Reality. We're running the "Kane kills dumb babyfaces by teleporting" storyline!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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