By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Throw the blinders, ignore the signs
Sink even deeper, swallow the lie
How far did you think that you could run?
You crossed the last meridian”
- “Terminally Unique” by Lamb of God

Trips patting Undertaker like a old man was cute. It's kinda like saying, "You're basically worm food. You seen my wife working out in those magazines lately? She could beat you up." I find it sad that Trips would deny Taker the chance for a WrestleMania payday. The Dead Man's obviously wearing a wig and that operation is pricey.




So, who's excited for the night after the Elimination Chamber PPV, huh? Don't worry if you find yourself in my position, when you're looking forward to Raws now more than the PPVs.

After one of the more goofiest Rumbles ever, WWE smacked you in the nose with a damn good Raw, the kind of Raw that gives you a warm, good feeling inside and encourages you to join the ride.

When they had Wade Barrett up in his skybox commenting on the Orton-Ziggler match, I thought to myself, "Holy crap, they do not give a crap about Ziggler." But, I was pleasantly surprised that the announcers gave a good chunk of love to Ziggy. He's not seen as up to Randy Orton's level, of course, but Ziggler's doing much better than Miz, who boasted how long he lasted in the Royal Rumble (45 minutes!). It's akin to Miz boasting how long he waited in line to grab his Double-Double without bringing any cash. Gee, Miz, you hung with the likes of the legendary Road Dogg and one of the Uso bozos? Whoa. Kofi's quick handling of Miz coupled with the silence Miz received gives the message that it's a long way back to the top for Miz. And, this guy was WWE Champion last year.

If there's one way out of this Cena-Kane storyline, it's seeing Cena go over the edge. So, Kane wants Cena to "embrace the hate" so that Cena can beat The Rock? Even coming from a psychotic's character standpoint, that doesn't really make a lick of sense as to why Kane would be so concerned with wanting Cena to win. Maybe The Big Red Machine mortgaged his mansion betting on Cena to win.

But, like I said, it would cause me great joy to see Cena turn on Eve, turn on Ryder, and beat Kane into dough to know that Rock's not just going to face Mr. Fruit Loop, he's facing an animal.

By the way, good God, I'm sorry I'm not the Rock. He's truly a great man. I'm sorry you're wasting my time with me and not stalking The Rock on Twitter. This article will be renamed "The Rockness Of It All." That lengthy video package of Rock...how could one even hate Rocky? While Rock was inspiring kids to become Disney movie stars, Cena's ass was getting kicked by Kane's boots.




Johnny may still and forever be stuck in "suck and blow" mode, but I admit there's at least something there to build off from. He's not Mike Adamle.

Ever since Randy Orton vs. Christian, I've enjoyed the feuds Orton has been in. I wonder if Orton vs. Barrett is slated for WrestleMania, as this feud is helping out Barrett a ton.

Daniel Bryan's offense makes me wince, but it's a good type of wince. I would be scared to go in the ring with him. He'll snap my knee patella while drinking carrot juice. I hate the notion that there was this huge nerdgasm when Bryan vs. Punk was announced. Any sterotype can appreciate damn good wrestling. No man, I prefer Brodus Clay doing the same shtick for eternity.




They keep adding crap to Clay's gimmick. Now the dancers have names. Now he has a disco ball. Sure, this ain't no different than Vladmir Kozlov beating up jobbers, but at least the payoff for that build-up was one of the worst PPV matches ever (Triple H vs. Kozlov). By the way, shouldn't Drew McIntyre show up as a funkster on Smackdown? I would if I were on WWE's firing line.

Some are whispering that Undertaker's streak will end. I can say with full confidence that's not going to happen. Even if Triple H and Undertaker cry after the match in a big emotional moment that causes everybody to feel good...The Streak should go untouched because if it doesn't, then 20+ years of Undertaker's WrestleMania Moments go down the drain. Say if Trips did win. Would you stop watching WWE on pure principle? Please. What else are you gonna watch? WWE believes they're the only game in town. So, while it is feasible Taker does lose and "dies," to me, "The Streak" has become this gigantic monster that must be kept alive. Know what's dead? Taker's hair folicles. Man's as bald as a cueball.



That's it for me. I'm off to see William Regal's conjoined daughters locked up in his attic.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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