By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I wish we could take off and go anywhere but here
Baby you know the deal
And she bad, so maybe she won’t
Uh, but then again maybe she will”
- “She Will” by Lil Wayne

So, Undertaker and Triple H are going to battle inside Hell in a Cell. Man, they really are trying to distract you from Taker’s hair status, aren’t they? Going to drastic measures to fix that problem. Maybe they'll blur out his head on the PPV.




If Shawn Michaels is the special guest ref for this match-up, maybe he teams up with Taker like the balding brothers that they are and terminate The Game. Whatever happens, the Taker-Trips match is the one I’m looking the most towards.

The least? This thrown-together feud featuring Raw’s talentless Johnny Ace and Smackdown’s clueless Teddy Long, who's not feeling the sexy Askana, but the fragrant Natalya. You might have heard of this “Raw vs. Smackdown” feud. It’s the one where Smackdown stars come on Monday nights and get their butts whupped. Some guys collect their paychecks, a bumbling goofbag wins, and it’s all forgotten within a month’s time.

Also, it’s kinda sad that Smackdown ended not with C.M. Punk and Daniel Bryan… but with Johnny Ace vs. Teddy Long. Two old guys that I can’t really relate to who won’t make money. Makes sense.

John Cena wants you to know that he’s from the streets. “Rock’s Hollywood, man. Not like me. I’m here every night." What to know how Rock will respond to Cena’s criticisms? It’s simple:

“Cena-Kane feud."

That’s a knockout, son.

Those three words can answer all of Cena’s questions. “Why you leave wrestling, Rock? How come you're never here? Don’t you feel embarrassed about being a tooth fairy? How come they love you and they hate me? Why is China kicking America's ass? How did Linsanity start? You’re not a wrestler, you’re a movie star!” (Much thanks to 9gag.com for the following pic.)




Rock, calmly and slowly, repeats those three magic words (“Cena…Kane…feud”) to leave Cena dumbfounded. Scrambling, Cena sputters out a ill-advised tampon joke before they cut to commercial.

Many fans feel Rock is ultra-mega talented compared to Cena. I’m clearly on Team Bring It. About the only thing that could make me dislike Rock was if Rock got paid more for his WrestleMania gig than C.M. Punk and Daniel Bryan combined. Wait a minute, that’s actually true. Well, I still love ya, Rock, no matter if WWE's paying you Facebook's yearly intake. It’s probably way more fun to hang out with you than with Cena, who, when not making jokes about being on the toilet, is making serious claims about how he’s never left the toilet, dammit.

Remember the days when mid-card chumps didn’t get umpteenth chances to become #1 contender? I kinda miss those days. WWE’s sure on the Jack Swagger train now. Will he be killed by Shaq? Sold for a Snickers bar? Stay tuned.

Wrestling’s pretty much the only business that you do a happy victory dance after millions tweet that you’re a skank. Good job by Eve. Clearly a degree from a prestigious college doesn’t stop her from revealing her plans of her trading up Zack Ryder for John Cena. Not realizing that she shouldn’t go chasing waterfalls, she should stick to the rivers and lakes that she’s used to.




I’m pretty sure WWE finds ways to make Chris Jericho look like a chump. A special spot on the whiteboard is reserved for Jericho and it's titled, "How We Screw Y2J This Time." That Elimination Chamber ending was fine, but Monday night getting an assist from Cody Rhodes? Heck, WWE's trying to get Chris Brown on the phone to “help this loser Jericho get some heat."

With the recent Y2J booking actions going on, anyone else get that feeling Jericho vanishes after Mania?

Of course, if you tweet this Jericho, chances are he’ll respond that you know nothing about wrestling and that, yes, he would love if Chris Brown were in his corner at WrestleMania. Maybe that’s the end of the world Jericho was talking about? The end of the wrestling world? Maybe now we can get Punk and Jericho mind battling each other like Jedis?




Watching Raw and Smackdown, it feels like I’ve gone through a two-day blender. Not exactly sure what Team WWE was thinking with a lot of their decisions. I believed Santino paid off Kane to kill Zack Ryder so that he could re-claim his spot as WWE’s main doofus. Cena wanted Rock to stay with wrestling so that Rock could be the one making angry poopy faces and getting into ambulances with Kane. Drew McIntyre has yet to be fired. There’s this crazy rumor that the NXT’s season is still going on. Whaaaaa?

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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