By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I’m a monster if that means I’m misunderstood
Cuz its alive and I can’t hide it
The energy is rising
And I’m traitor if that means I’ve turned on myself
I can’t deny it, it’s like a riot
And I can’t keep it quiet”

- “The End Is Where We Begin” by Thousand Foot Krutch

Somewhere in Europe, we meet our WWE superstars chowing down in a cafeteria…

Rock: Tensai! Lord Tensai! My man! How you been, brother? I saw you went over ladyparts Cena. I’m chasing Vin Diesel in the Wiener Mobile over here and getting paid, son.

Tensai: 私は元気でいる、本当にありがとう.

Rock: What am I doing here, you ask? You see, Rock was at the Coachella festival. And, The Rock…had a vision.

Tensai: あなた自身のホログラムが、私推測しているほしいと思うか。?

Rock: You damn right Rock wants a Rock hologram. Imagine it, Tensai. Now, you know that I’m always here, and that I never leave. My presence is always felt. Even when you can't see me, you can feel me. I’m like a ghost, but people can’t see ghosts. And, if my boy Tupac proved anything, it’s that people care more about seeing ghosts of past performers than real, live ones. Hologram Rock could do PPVs while real Rock is off buying another mansion. You feel me, brother?




Tensai: 主のためのTensaiホログラムについての何か。?

Josh Mathews: Excuse me, Rock, move over for Josh. Lord Tensai, how does it feel to know that according to WWE.com power rankings, you’re only cooler than Kane, and Kane placed dead last in the Josh’s cool-o-meter! My God, do you even have a Twitter account! How do you respond…Ahhh, my eyes!

(over at the next table...)

C.M. Punk: Sigh...

Chris Jericho: Hey, man. You look even more sleep deprived and strung out than usual. Something eating you?

Punk: Nah, it’s nothing. It’s just...well...

Jericho: What?

Punk: Sigh...I’m tired of defending my championship on every house show and the stuff we’re doing has brought up some crummy memories and I've gone through all the Divas and “The Walking Dead” is getting lame...I can’t wait to get back to my bus.

Jericho: I hear ya. This road trip is brutal.

Punk: Hey, Chris, do you ever, you know, have somebody pour beer on yourself to relax?

Jericho: ...No, can’t say that I have.

Punk: You see, the shower on my bus is broken. It was after a show, and I needed a shower really bad, and Kofi’s like, “Why don’t I pour beer on you? Ha ha ha,” and I was like, “That’s a good idea. Go ahead.” So, he gives me beer baths now. Nothing wrong with it. My shower’s broke. I’m still straight edge if I don’t drink beer, right?

Jericho: ...Wow. Hey, um, all that stuff I’ve been doing to you? I’m really not trying to turn you into, you know, an alcoholic or anything.

Punk: It’s cool, bro. It’s all part of the game. By the way, are you going to finish that beer? My shower’s broke.

DAH DAH DUMMMMMMMMMMM

(Over in the corner...)

Miz: Wait, you do that “milking” motion as a tribute...to her?

Ryback: Yes sir. She’s my one and only. She's got a incredible body. Think about her all the time. You should have seen us saying good-bye back in the States.

Miz: That’s sick, bro.

Mick Foley: Ha ha, it was a sight to behold. Me and other wrestling legends were standing out there in the field, watching Ryback do his thing and commenting how amazing you were. Things nearly got x-rated, ho ho ho. I love my WWE money.

Daniel Bryan: I was the one screaming, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

A.J.: Oh, Daniel, you’re so funny.

Daniel Bryan: Shut the hell up. Eat your disgusting, revolting hamburger and say yes to being a fat blob. Worst. Girlfriend. Ever.

Ryback: I’ll never understand why they locked me up for two years because of love… Wait…are you eating a hamburger? YOU’RE EATING MY LOVER!




(Waiting in line, getting their food...)

Sheamus: Dum Dum Dum...Oh, I’m the Kmart champion of the world...

Triple H: Hey there, champ. How are you doing?

Sheamus: Any better and you would tell me that I’m your lost son.

Triple H: Ha ha, you wish. By the way, you owe us $5,000,000.

Sheamus: Ha ha, nice one, dad.

Triple H: I’m serious. We need to have things legitimate around here. Pay up.

Sheamus: That’s a load of donkey arse. You have bloody R-Truth as a fake Sherlock Holmes. Why doesn’t, I dunno, Brock F-5 that guy if we’re legitimate now?

Triple H: Shhh! Keep your voice down. You don’t want...him...to hear. Don’t you understand? Those skits are only to make him laugh.

Sheamus: Ok... ”$5,000,000” it is. You take a check?

Triple H: Actually, since you’ve done the kick before...you owe us back pay. You must have done the kick about, what, 80 times? You actually owe us, about $32 billion dollars.

Sheamus: I won’t be even able to shop at cheap arse Kmart now…

Alberto Del Rio: Hola! Sie! My name is Alberto Del Rio…

Triple H: Sigh...you never say anything interesting.

Alberto Del Rio: Um...Yes? Yes? Yes?

Triple H: No.




(Sitting by a table by his lonesome)

Cena: Oh, bowl of Reese’s Puffs, maybe I just don’t have what it takes anymore…

Brock: Catch! (Throws his jockstrap at Cena, which bounces of Cena’s face and plops in his cereal)

Cena: What the hell, Brock?

Brock: (Pointing) Ha ha! See, you can’t hold my jockstrap!

Cena: Why would I want to hold your jockstrap at all?

Brock: ...Oooh, I’m talking to Einstein over here!

Cena: Brock, humor me. How many dates did you sign up for?

Brock: (counting on his fingers) one chicken...two chickens...three chickens...

Cena: Take your time.

(Five minutes later)

Brock: Thirty...nine chickens...forty chickens!

Cena: Man, are all UFC fighters dumb? Don’t answer that. Rhetorical question. Just be useful and hand me over a fork.

Brock: Sure. (reaches over to pass over the fork but instead stabs Cena in the arm five times)

Cena: Dude! What the hell is the matter with you?

Brock: Oopsy. It’s been awhile since I’ve used a fork.

Johnny Laurinaitis: Hello gentlemen. How’s my UFC contract killer? How’s my cash cow that I want to terminate and replace with a hologram?

Brock/Cena: (muffled) Fine.

Johnny: Oh, come on, guys. I know this tour is tough, but our Twitter ratings are through the roof! We got to keep feeding the beast!

Cena: What about our TV ratings?

Johnny: (cocks head with a confused look on his face) T...V?

Brock: Why the hell am I even on this stupid tour anyway? You’re just using me up.

Johnny: Because Brock, we need legitimacy around here. Who’s the man to do a skit in Germany with Santino wearing lederhosen? None other than you, Brock. Now, humor me and let’s hear your contract signing promo from both of you. Brock, you’re up.

Brock: Ok...Cena, you want to know why I busted up your purdy mouth? Let me tell you a story. Christmas time in Lesnarville. Everyone’s happy, everyone’s having fun. My adorable kids come up to me and say, “Daddy Brock! Daddy Brock! We brought you a present!” Heartwarming. I slowly open the package, expecting a something cuddly, like a new .50 caliber hunting rifle to blow deer's heads off. And to my horror...a John Cena Gnome was staring back at me.

I slowly look at my kids, down back at the gnome, then back at my kids. I looked them right in the eyes as I took that gnome and tore off his head. In front of my own children, John. I’m an ass-kicker. And, a gnome killer. You see, I’m bringing sexy back to WWE.

Cena: You mean legitimacy?

Brock: That too. See, you think you’re on top, but you want to know what you really are? You’re a poser. You’re a creation, a façade, a fake. You’re not real. I’m Brock Lesnar. I’m as real as it gets. You don’t have my credentials, my talent, my jet to run your stupid head over. Let me take you back, John... (Video Link ... URL: http://youtu.be/OmfQMbCDFwg )

For far too damn long, we all had to be in this Cena dream. Come Extreme Rules, I’m going to give everybody a serious wake-up call. I’m not going into Chicago looking to get cheered, to get a victory. Look at me. I’m going to Chicago to end you. Did you hear me? I’m going to end you. I will not stop until you are finished. Are you processing that in your mind, John? I’m going to end you. How does that make you feel? Afraid? Scared? It’s okay to admit it. You might want to get on your hands and knees and beg me, “Brock, please don’t hurt me,” but I won’t listen. Come Extreme Rules, you’re in the ass kicking of a lifetime, Frank Mir!

Cena: Congregation...I come here today with my back up against the wall. Being defeated by Rock at Mania is one thing, but losing to Lord Tensai? Cenamaniacs, maybe the John Cena Era is over. Over the weekend, to comfort myself, I watched Hulk Hogan vs. Psycho Sid at WrestleMania 7. You see, it was Hulk Hogan’s “last match,” and Psycho Sid was this monster who was going to end Hulkamania. Hogan looked like a weak loser because he stopped gassing during that time. I look like a loser because I just can’t stop looking like a fruity pebble. I had nightmares after watching the match, because it was just so, so bad. I won’t go down like that.

Will it be true that the mighty John Cena will lose to a former UFC World Heavyweight champion? Is it really true that UFC rocks and WWE sucks? Let me tell you something, Jack. I’ve heard it from Rock and now I’m hearing from you: I’m not as talented as you. And, yes, yes, yes, it’s true. I can’t escape that. And, if this is the end of John Cena, well Jack, I’m going to go down swinging. You will not come in and wipe the floor with me. I’m going to fight you with everything I have. Brock Lesnar, you’re in for the fight of your life. You’ll find out how real I am. You’re going to face a desperate man at Extreme Rules. I’ve got nothing to lose. I will lay it all out in the line. You will not end the John Cena Era.

Brock: Damn, we’re really rushing into this thing, aren’t we? My return to WWE? Ending of John Cena era?

Cena: Yep. Johnny?

Johnny: Brock can’t fight because his testosterone was too high according to Wellness, and the fans will just have to wait?

Brock: Bingo. Stick it to those UFC pricks.

Johnny: Oh, Brock, you might want to take a look at your contract again. We got you for, uh, *cough* 400 dates *cough*. This contract is just as legitimate as WWE.




Brock: That’s a lot of chickens!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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