By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

Oh yeah, you forgot about poor Paul, didn't you? People were going to save Paul Bearer, but they got distracted by Ziggler losing to Taco Bell. He keeps coming back and they keep killing him.

That's the legimate world of WWE, where the Dolph Zigglers of the world are enhanced by a Doritos Taco commercial. At least the poor bastard didn't get hit in the face with a Doritos taco...or maybe Creative just didn't think about it. I'm pretty sure WWE Creative got wasted and was like, "Field Sobriety Test! Lesnar and Cena do nothing! All righttzzzz!"

I'm surprised WWE doesn't do more of this "match is sponsored by" stuff. Listen to baseball on the radio and you are well aware of the ads. It's a good thing Brock showed up to watch that Taco Bell match. He has been out of wrestling. Every wrestling fan knows you check in the start, the top of the second hour, and the last 20 minutes for the real good stuff. The bit before the main event is scary comedy hour.

So...Edge came back. It is surreal to think of him as a Hall of Famer, but he gave a Hall of Fame promo. Sad Cena is very sad, because maybe UFC is just better than WWE. Boo hoo.




How not to do PPV build-up: See Cody Rhodes potentially suffer his greatest embarrassment come Extreme Rules! Wait, he already suffered his greatest embarrassment at WrestleMania! Well, Cole, he'll be embarrassed even more! Um, Cody's new Captain Underwear ring attire and chumping out on every show is embarrassing enough. I've got my fill of sucky Cody. The way I see it is that they gave the IC belt to Big Show to give him his Mania moment, and now Cody will get a dirty win to regain it back. The title doesn't mean much, so who really cares?

It does sort of bug me that the United States Title is being defended on YouTube before Extreme Rules. To me, YouTube is the junkyard of us humans, the place where you can find a video of goats farting and Ziggler getting pinned by a taco. I mean, it's worse than basic cable. But, they needed a hook, so it' s a title match. I understand that Santino vs. Miz is like a Smackdown match, and not a lot of people are watching Smackdown lately.

Why the lack of buzz around Smackdown? Maybe people reached their Booker breaking point. Maybe the feuds and matches feel too familiar, too stale. Many people pop in to see what Daniel Bryan is doing and pop right back out. Or, just maybe people don't want to see the same Raw match (Sheamus vs. Mark Henry) they just witnessed an hour ago.

It's safe to say Daniel Bryan has found his WWE character. Maybe later in the year Bryan vs. Punk?

Isn't every match on Extreme Rules a Chicago Street fight? Seems that way.

There are points during a feud where for all intents and purposes, the feud just becomes...silly. Not every idea is going to be a gem, but as far as making me want to see Punk vs. Jericho this Sunday? Not so much. Sure, it was interesting to watch somebody act drunk and walk a line (Whooo! Good times!), but I'm guessing you weren't old enough during the Stone Cold era to swallow the line of "A WWE Champion must pass a field sobriety test or he'll be stripped of the title."




Brock Lesnar gives Josh Mathews a fun fly-through-the-air moment and that baby has to go ruin it with whines of "I can't feel my fingers." See, WWE's full of pansies. I figure Josh Mathews had it coming to him.

If there's one true thing, Lesnar vs. Cena will at least won't be as boring as a typical Jon Jones fight. It's true.

WWE's Cena is going to fight UFC's Brock Lesnar. I just hope Cena doesn't fight NASCAR's Lesnar. Word is that Lesnar's going to have his sponsors's logos on his attire. Does a heel having sponsors work? "Hey, kids, here's this heel crippling innocents! Buy some beef jerky! Mmmm."

They tried having Lord Tensai deliver faster-paced big bombs, but nobody cared. Maybe because we're watching a dude called Lord Tensai in 2012? You bring out The Great Muta and I'll lose it. The Lord Tensai shtick is just...goofy.

Bringing Brock Lesnar as a guy to end John Cena? Thank you! Portraying Brock Lesnar as a big diva who only cares about money. Nobody likes a Batista.

I happen to like Monday Night Raw Starring Brock Lesnar. If WWE is committed to John Laurinaitis and Taco Bell, they can be committed to a new name change for Raw. Brock: "As for that Nickelback song...I kinda like that song (BOOOOO). And, hey, I give better promos than Edge ever could (BOOOO). And, I want you to hire back my good friend Kurt Angle (YAYYYY). TNA? What the hell is that?"

There was going to be a more interesting bit at the end of Raw to hype up Lesnar vs. Cena, but it wasn't in Lesnar's contract. You understand. Brock was feeling vibrations, but I wasn't feeling anything but boredom at that point. To me, both of the final selling points for Punk-Jericho and Cena-Lesnar fell flat. The real highlight of the night was Daniel Bryan and Sheamus. Best be prepared for Cena-Lesnar to be a letdown. I mean, the only hope I have is that Brock Lesnar doesn't come dressed out like this.




Hey, did we just watch a Raw where John Cena didn't say a word? I guess he was too scared to speak. Or, maybe my previous Absurd article where I wrote out both of their promos was right on the money and they said, "They're on to us! Quick! Change it up!" Or, maybe they're rushing and they largely fell on their faces on the most important show for any PPV.

One of the better Raw three-hour dirges, but as far as hyping Extreme Rules, they only really hit the mark once. Heck, I was more impressed when I went on Google's home page after the show. A freakin' zipper!

I mean, it's not like Brock Lesnar could have slapped Edge in the face.

Absurd Raw Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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