By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Baby, you know someday you'll sorrow
And baby, my heart's been breaking”
-“The New” by Interpol

Son of a …

TomKat have broken up.




I had a failed attempt last week to patch things up between the greatest couple ever. Sigh… that little venture took up so much time that I couldn’t save Ric Flair getting pimp-slapped by Ric Flair Wife #6. Don’t damage Space Mountain, honey.

Continuing on this celebrity trend, it turns out that A.J. Styles may or may not have had a child with Claire. Having a child with an stranger? Maybe back then Styles thought that paying a visit to the baby batter factory would lead into a big TNA push, I don’t know. Kurt Angle thought along the same lines when he decided to do some Starbucks stalking.




You know what’s missing in this Styles/Claire storyline? It starts with a “P” and ends with a “F." Any guesses? “Payoff." How does having or not having a baby help A.J. Styles whatsoever? Do we need to see Dixie Carter? And, who the heck is Claire? Hell, let’s just give television time to all of the baby mamas TNA wrestlers have encountered over the years. Let’s give a big fat fudgin' gold medal to a pregnant Claire when she stuffs a pillow underneath her shirt. Good for you, random lady.

Compare this to the simple A.J./Bryan/Punk storyline, where the “payoff” will be to see who A.J. chooses. Yeah, they’ll probably drag this out until there’s a new president in the White House, but fans know they’ve got something here. With this Styles/Claire storyline, many fans are already actively erasing it from their minds.

I’m looking forward to the Austin Aries-Bobby Boob match-up. As much as I dig Aries, he’s not winning at the PPV (takes more than a gushing Hulk Hogan promo to make him the man to topple Bobby). I can’t wait for Bobby to make fun of Aries’s tattoo. Or, is that off-limits?

Jericho has come back, with his 137th new hairstyle and a strategy to badger foes with useless '80s trivia until they submit. “Ask him! What do Jon Bon Jovi and the ‘Christmas in the Stars: The Star Wars Christmas Album’ have in common? Ask him!”




Pole matches make wrestling fans all over the world think two things:

(1) This will be like getting a sharp needle to the nuts
(2) "R to the uss-O, V to the inc-E
Fo' shizzle my nizzle used to book down in GA"

My reaction to Tyson Kidd getting the win over Jack Swagger: "(Expletive) yes." Sure, Smackdown's MITB match is the B-Level match, but I'm glad Tyson Kidd is on another WWE PPV.

Shawn Micheals gave a tip of the cowboy hat to one Dolph Ziggler. That’s suprising, considering how HBK stated he can’t watch Raw anymore because he’s over the age of nine.

John Cena has been playing a game since Extreme Rules. The game is simple and soul-sucking. Here’s the game Cena plays: Start off with a silly zinger he cooked up five minutes beforehand, and power through it even though he’s eating a crap sandwich like usual. Once that’s done, it’s time to promote the next PPV where Cena will face being fired while being set on fire.




I envy Cena haters from 2006. Here was this new cat that Vincey was shoving down viewers's throats, and some of y’all took umbridge to that. I can’t hate John Cena of 2012. I understand his value to the company, inside and out.

But, Cena’s promos lately…disconcerting stuff here. When your top dog goes, “Mainly none-year olds watch Raw," and that stuff gets edited out because they don’t want others to hear it…well, fudge.

I can imagine Crusty Cena in the back, depressed and sour, drinking whiskey to dull the pain of living. Talking to ladies who pass by him. “Hey there. I like what you got on. Heh heh. *Burp. Hey...betcha you can’t touch your elbows together. Overcome the odds, baby. Heh heh.”

Raw 1,000 is coming up. They've been playing a lot of bits from the '90s and talking about the Attitude Era in glowing terms. However, not much from 2002-2008 era. You didn't miss much. Move along.

Even if WWE doesn't believe in all of the concussion talk, it doesn't do them any good to have Booker T berate Alberto Del Rio for not "manning up" after his concussion angle. There are stories of suicidal ex-football players shooting themselves in the chest instead of the head so that their concussed brains can be donated to science, and people are aware of them. Also, WWE Raw is on 9:00 p.m. EST/6:00 p.m. PST on USA Network.

Even though Triple H vs. Lesnar hasn’t been confirmed yet, it’s all but confirmed. Brock Lesnar’s fat mug is on the Summerslam poster, all Linkin Park screamin’ in the rain. Man, looks like he could use a beer. Or, those fancy smancy city things they call a umbrella. They say one day we might even see Brock Lesnar in-person (this is, by the way, the absurdity of it all), but the chance of that are like seeing a unicorn.




That’s it for me. Sonnen vs. Silva II is on Saturday. I hope you nine-year olds find it to be trill, because Dana White just forbade us older dudes from watching it. Say what?

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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