By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

Uh, let's re-do that Hornswoggle reveal, shall we?


( http://youtu.be/JgDwI1EC5iY )

"It's me, Santino!"

"It was me all along, Santino!"

"You all bought it! Hook, line and sinker!"

"Even my family, even my immediate family bought it!"

Yep, you could have gotten Hornswoggle McMahon saying this and at least get a chuckle for the absurdity of it all.

Instead, you get a shrug from ol' Horny.

Ooh, now he's biting butts. Cheer, monkeys, cheer.

If WWE feels obligated to tie up a dumb loose end to a dumb, loose storyline, at least offer something else than a shrug. There's a good reason no one gets jacked up for WWE's advertised 998th Raw. In kayfabe land, there's a reason why Brock Lesnar, Shawn Michaels, and Undertaker don't show up to these Raws.

I mean, it doesn't take too much to impress some people who are drooling over A.J. Lee and screaming "EFF YEAH!" when Bob Bitchin' Backlund shows up, old age be darned.

Putting this show in comparison to the Destination X PPV and suddenly we're right back in pre-school sucking our thumbs and sleeping on mats after recess.

I'm pretty sure the wrestlers tried to have the quickest matches ever as not to disturb the mysterious Raw GM chilling under the ring. When you're reading a review, and you're seeing a lot of matches that don't last a minute, that's pretty sad.

Like every human being on the planet, A.J. Lee has her fair share of supporters and haters. Is C.M. Punk in the best angle right now? It's wrestling wedding stuff, brahs. It's not designed for the likes of you. There is something charming about this whole angle, and it will bring new eyes and a new spin to your Punk vs. Bryan match. As Eve likes to point out, the WWE Title has taken a back-seat. As long as it's bringing in the ratings, I have no problems with it continuing, as there are far worse angles.

Plus, weddings in wrestling usually involve snake bites, fake heart attacks, and Kane tombstoning a priest.

I felt a moment of pride when Michael Cole vehemently called viewers hypocrites because they voted for Lawler vs. Cole to happen. Oh no, not Cole vs. Lawler. In a barrage of poop matches, what's one more turd in the pile going to do? Hell, you got to do better than that. People realize that your pay-offs are bound to be dumb and we're cool with that. Honest.

By the way, I'm not going to use your RawActive, which sounds like a hemoroid cream product. Did you know that sitting down all of the time is killing you? That's why I wrote this absurd article standing up while playing "Hail to the Chief" at full volume like a badass.

If a wrestler loses to mid-card champions one week, should that same person lose to champions next week? It's philosophical questions with Jack Swagger, whose only concerns these days is how not to be sold at the 99 cent store. He'll lose to anybody, anywhere.

If you were Smackdown GM, wouldn't you book yourself in easy championship matches? Here's hoping dingleberry Zack Ryder figures that out in time.

You see, Drew McIntyre is supposed to represent you, the guy going "Wahhhh, I hate Brodus Clay; it's the same crap every week." For Drew is the chosen loser. Me, I want to achieve my dream one day of having one of my tweets appear on the air during a WWE/TNA event. So, that's why I tweeted, "CENA WILL WIN THIS SUNDAY!!!!!!!!! #MITB."

Is the presence of A.J. Lee and Cena holding a ladder in his hands gonna make you buy the PPV? WWE: *Shrugs*

That's it for me. Check out this site for a charity bike ride I'm doing in September - http://napa.als.net/ShaneMcKinley .

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

[Torch art credit Neal Obermeyer (c) PWTorch.com]

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