By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I been burning bright
For so long I can’t remember
Pretty girls and late night bars
Seem to be my line of work”
-“Sweet Annie” by Zac Brown Band

I feel for you wrestling writers and YouTube reviewers with WWE introducing 15-second Touts. Brevity ain’t exactly our motto. But, if we want our mugs on WWE Raw, we gotta drastically shorten our shtick.

15 seconds? That’s enough time for a catchphrase and a “Uh…I think Dolph Ziggler should cash in his briefcase at Summerslam…see all my cool posters behind me?”

WWE’s Twitter obsession was one thing, but we could see the benefits. “Hey, this match is trending worldwide. Good to know that other people are watching this garbage, too." It gave you a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that WWE was trending ahead of “#ThingsLiberalsConsiderRacist” and Cranky Vince tweeting “SINGING 'DANGER ZONE' TOP GUN SONG, UNZIPPING PANTS, TAKING BIG EARL OUT OF THE HANGAR.”

But, now we’re probably going to get one-minute videos of guys and gals giving their thoughts on a issue…and somehow, I’m not feeling it.

Maybe it’s because just the whole name of “Tout” sounds really lame and cheesy.




Tout…tout…let it all out, these are the things we can do with out.

Or, maybe I’d much rather hear extradionary Dolph Ziggler give an extradionary promo than an ordinary fan chiming in that, whoa, he couldn’t believe it was Hornswoggle all along.

“Social Media” is a popular buzzwords these days, and yes, Twitter did change WWE and TNA in some aspects (given their current sucky DirectTV deal, TNA might hold Impact exclusively on Twitter). And, besides the announcers talking about Twitter like brain-damaged parrots, it was largely ignorable.

I suppose a one-minute video on every show won’t be that bad. One measley minute won’t send us over the edge. But, you know you’re going to see these “Tout” videos on PPV. Hell, you've seen 1,000 “Raw 1,000” clips already.

Wouldn’t it be cool if they got celebrities to tout as well? Yeah, celebrities, like Charlie Sheen. Could they get him to be the pastor for the A.J.-Bryan wedding? No. They can’t even get one of his aides to tweet for him, because he shut down his twitter.




I think the Raw writers have been on a ice cream binge and their brains have been corroded by the excessive sugar. Sure, you could buck the trend and do “opposite booking.” Hey, Miz is back! And, he’s the same loser he was before he went off to do movies. And, JTG needs to at least get some offense in before he’s gone from television for the next two months. I would tout about this stuff, but the video would only consist of me holding my head in my hands, baffled.

However, there were some definite highlights. Big Show vs. C.M. Punk was a good Big Show match, considering how I was expecting this Raw’s main event to be the entire roster, sitting in the ring, eagerly counting down the seconds until Raw 1,000. We'll see Rey Mysterio in his footie PJs touting that he just can't sleep, he's so excited!

And, man, is that Raw 1,000 show stacked. Stacked, I tells ya. John Cena vs. C.M. Punk for the WWE Championship? Big stars that are not Rikiski or Bob Backlund returning? And, a wedding? Annouce three more matches, bros, and you would have a WWE PPV on your hands.

As in real life, people need more than a week to prepare themselves for the idea of two people getting married, for better or for worse, for sickness or in health, until death to us part. No one expects these two lovebirds to get married. They’re expecting Bane...oops, Kane to come in with a flamethrower.




The Prime Time Playas aren’t prime time, or even third bench string time. I don’t know what the hell WWE is up to with AW and the tag team division, but maybe it’s being booked by Little Jimmy.

Next week, two old guys will chop their crotch and tell you to suck it, then you quickly tweet and tout.

Read that sentence again.

The Rock will be here for 15 seconds, too. And, by “Rock,” I mean “Rock video package he shot last Saturday." I kid. His hologram will be there.

The Alberto Del Rio character is just miserable to watch. We know he kills mid-carders, but he can’t seal the deal with main-eventers at PPVs. I love his in-ring work, but his character…I don’t care much for it. It seems we’ve been down this road before of re-building Del Rio. Maybe he needs to go do a movie like Magic Miz and come back strong, just like Miz did, who is currently searching the garbage for food to eat.

The Ziggler-Jericho feud looks to be a lot of fun, as it seems we’ll get away from ass-clown Jericho and getting to kick-ass Jericho. Ziggler won’t join a band like Fozzy, as he’s too busy getting Brogue Kicked every night.

Hey, fans, vote on these three options for next week: Crap, crappier, and reasonable. I would like to vote on the option of Drew McIntyre getting Ryback-squashed, because I feel sorry for the Chosen One.

I have to agree with C.M. Punk’s recent comments about Chris Benoit and about WWE wiping his existence from the records books. Here’s my "15 words" opinion: Have a heart. Be better and show Umaga in his WrestleMania match with Bobby Lashley.

That's it for me. Got that "Top Gun" song stuck in my head now.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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