By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“I’m innocent
I didn’t do it
I didn’t do nothin’, man
This is bulls---
He gave it to me, it was a present!”
-“Walla Walla” by The Offspring

Welcome to the 1,002th absurdity article, hosted by yours truly. Shawn Michaels is in hiding and I, much like my boy Brock Lesnar, promise to beat up the pretty boy on behalf of whomever pays me the most. I ain’t doing it for free.

Punk’s joining the dark side by growing out his heel mustache and looking like a disgruntled mariachi singer. I believe El Punko is doing heel actions just for kicks because he’s gotta open and end every three-hour Raw.




Wouldn’t it be cool if some infamous fans touted? I’m hoping “Sign Guy” & “Scowl Girl” show up.

C.M. Punk vs. Rey Mysterio was fine for what it was. Rey Mysterio ate a loss, but that’s okay, Rey wears shirts all the time now, so these losses won’t show.

You might think that while Wade Barrett was injured, that blimey brit was spending his time finishing his Netflix backlog and spending too much time on 9gag.com. You think that, but you’re wrong. He’s been bare-knuckle fighting. Thank goodness these shady looking characters didn’t just gang up on him and steal his wallet. “Oh cripes! It’s...it’s…. Barrage Barrett! Run!”

There seemed to be more of a concerted effort to not make A.J. Lee into a Steph Clone. In her office, she put up her treasured boots (that she found in a sewer drain) and a cute toy frog (that she found on a homicide scene).

Bryan comes in and teases that if he beats John Cena tonight, it’s going to be a four-way match at Summerslam, which would make people over-joyed. A.J. is crazy, because she announces that it’s going to be Daniel Bryan vs. Kane at Summerslam. When I heard this, I went into Daniel Bryan mode and said, “No! No! No!”

Like the smell of a dead hooker, the smell Charlie Sheen is giving off in this feud is nauseating. With the “Anger Management” phrase being tossed around, maybe Kane, Charlie Sheen, and Frodo Bryan can do scenes from “Two-And-A-Half Men” on the next Raw to kill time.

Although, in my opinion, these three-hour Raws haven’t been trainwrecks. They’re much like baseball games. You know it’s going to take a long time. This ain’t “Crash TV." You’re going to get measured bit after measured bit. The most you can hope for is Damien Sandow committing a dancing hate crime on Brodus Clay (I don’t think Sandow saw “Step Up: Revolution,” although he should, that shizz is tight).

Ryback is one bad dude. He willingly gives himself pink eye every week.

TMZ: “C’mon, A.W., say something stupid. Say it! Say it! Ooh! 'Mother Teresa…can do no wrong?' What? How can we use that? Whatever. Put it on the main page and make people click on it anyway."




What’s really sad is that A.W. had to run that Mother Teresa line 20 times before it was approved. If I were D-Young, I would turn around and say, “Why the hell are you comparing me to Mother Teresa? I’m a million dollar scholar, fool!” and then I begin my wacky dancing.

You know what would be more interesting instead of just telling me about Sheamus’s joyride with a Ferrari in San Antonio? Showing it. How about Sheamus in a Ferrari in front of the Alamo? I guess I’ll just have to keep watching.

Kelly Kelly came back. In a shocking turn of events, she went wild and attacked Shawn Michaels with her bra. If there is a Divas match planned for Summerslam, that’s going to feel weird. Heck, besides A.J. and Eve, we haven’t seen much of the girls. Who's the Divas champ again?

Here’s HBK. HBK don’t need no swag. In fact, he’s got a new thuggin t-shirt that reads, “Mr. Hall-Of-Famer Shawn Michaels” on a ring. Considering all of the lame wrestling t-shirts that have come out, I’ll give this one a "going to CVS to get ear medicine" score.

Michaels is really sounding like a friendly old church lady.

Here comes the pain…and the prick. It’s Brock and Paul. And, much like when Brock started out with Paul as his manager, Paulie says everything while Brock flexes and crack his knuckles and doesn't say a word. Oh wait, Brock does say something: “Guess who got lucky with Mother Teresa! Ha ha!”

HBK says he’s going to be in the corner of Triple H. Yup, something’s up here. You have Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar. That's all you need. HBK is not needed in this match. Something's up. And, what that is I don’t have the foggiest idea.

Brock says he’ll see Shawn Michaels before Summerslam. I would suggest to our friendly church lady she doesn’t go hunting until the PPV.




So, finally, we get to see Sheamus’s hyped tout…and my eyes throw up from the crappy YouTube video in .05p resolution. Sorry I asked.

Thankfully, Sheamus brings the exotic sports car back. It’s wrecked. It’s battered. And, Sheamus left a present in the air filter.

And, if you think about it, “stealing” is just “borrowing for an unspecified length of time." I’ve used that type of thinking in my court cases. “I'm not guilty, your honor. I come from a poor background, just like me man Sheamus. It's okay."




And, apparently, the only thing different about Sheamus and Al fighting again is that I’m guessing bullied manservant Ricardo Rodquirez will pimp slap Al.

I would have thought it was going to be a long, long time before Alex “Doghouse” Riley picked up a televised win before the new Intercontinental champion Miz lost, but that happened Monday night. Did Kane really need a win over the guy who WWE is pumping up as a WrestleMania Main-Eventer, a Grand Slam Award Winner, a big movie star, and the most most-see IC champion of all-time?

That Chris Jericho segment was a hoot, especially with touting at the end. For my money, the Jericho-Ziggler match-up has the most brainpower put into it. And, hey, Alex Riley was trending worldwide for a moment. Man, can Fozzy have a break-up and Jericho sticks around a while longer to lose to Cody Rhodes? Jericho’s good for business.




That John Cena vs. Daniel Bryan match was just too much fun. Bryan is on fire right now, and the guy who was once considered charamastically challenged is the most entertaining guy to watch on Raw. The fun died out, though, when the “triple threat tripe” had to be hyped

Good Raw. In three-hour Raws, one of the main things I look for is if I can watch it all the way through without feelings of boredom and frustration pilling on. I didn’t feel that this time, it was an easy show, and I’m glad I watched.

Now, as far as hyping Summerslam and making fans pay to see the card when we get the stuff on free television…yeah. Can't answer that.

That’s it for me. Click here to contribute to my "Beat Up Shawn Michaels Before Brock Lesnar Does" charity: http://napa.als.net/ShaneMcKinley . I'm not trying to trick you in contributing to a good cause or anything, nuh uh.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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