By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Well, I woke up this morning, I got myself a beer
The future’s uncertain, and the end is always near”
-“Roadhouse Blues” by The Doors

A lot of the newsworthy events in the world of wrestling this week that we didn’t get to see. There was the HBK tribute on Raw when the cameras were turned off. During the middle of the week, the fascinating Nash article on Grantland.com was unleashed for Nash haters. And, the week was capped off by WWE firing A.W. Why such the long wait? They finally connected the dots that “rape joke” and “PG business” don’t mesh too well. A.W.'s going to do a new career of being angry and cussin' up a storm on Twitter. Nobody's done that since...five seconds ago.

At least A.W. didn't make a Michael Jackson joke. Ooh. A.W. did a tasteless joke and was under the false pretense that he could do that sort of tasteless joke because "the people in the '90s could do things like that like you sellouts wahhh." Didn't he get the memo that WWE is PG now? Apparently not.

When writing absurdity articles, I know that using swear words would be a easier method of getting you to chuckle. I won't post obscene lyrics or have half-naked women because that feels like a cop-out just to register on the cool-o-meter. And, there have been plenty of times when I feel like a smartass jerk when I'm ripping on somebody. In comedy, I believe you have to know when you push it and when to hold back. I know that after the theater shootings at the Batman movie, it didn't feel right to reference to the act of shooting or killing in the Absurdity articles. But, also, sometimes comedy needs to shake you up a bit to make you pay attention. Otherwise, it's just knock-knock jokes over and over. Regarding A.W.'s Bryant-rape joke, it was a brainless joke, he got canned for it, and we learn there are some things you can't joke about on television.



Video URL: http://youtu.be/FJfeTAm65NE

Hey, where's my WWE Hall of Famer Drew Carey t-shirt?

If you haven’t yet, check out the Nash Grantland article. Nash was a guy I largely didn’t pay most attention to: “Hey, big man throwing elbows in the corner and cutting promos about calling Batman while WCW's dyin'. Groovy." But, after that article, I dived into his history a bit more and I just can’t fully rag on a guy who really said the following in real life: "And, I'm sorry, Ricky, but you're concerned about wrestling? I'm more worried about the dismantling of the global financial system." Hey, it’s Magic Nash, the stripper with a 161 IQ. He's a sexy Damien Sandow representing Detroit.




A lot of people are going, “Dude, Kev. You’re mega-rich while I’m heavy in debt and dining out at Taco Bell. I’m freakin' Al Bundy over here. You don’t need to worry so much about Jericho and these other short shrimps. By the way, who the hell is Picasso? What the hell is 'art?' Burp.”

I’m guessing Kevin Nash is going to do a cameo in that “This Is 40” movie and be depressed alongside the other wealthy people with cushy jobs and an easy life. Man. What a living hell.

Nash’s main point was that short wrestlers are lame. No, really they are. These young kids called Aries and Punk (their parents must have hated them, too) are World champions? C’mon now. Nash then used his ol’ “people want to see a 'genetically gifted' dude in adult flicks, not shrimps," an idea that he wrote his college thesis on.

I do agree that big guys are the ones who the majority flock for, and that to be a champion, you have to look like a champion. It’s hard to make people believe that when you’re 5’ 5” and have toothpicks for arms. If we have YOLO and FISH as life mottos to live by, wrestling has lived by a motto of it’s own: S.W.S.H., or “Short Wrestlers Shouldn’t Headline.” To emphasize this point, here are two towering guys named Mr. Undertaker and Mr. Hall flipping these little squirts off.




Short guys have to bust their ass and bring a lot to the table in order to get noticed, where tall guys...get paid to stand. That’s a gross generalization, but it’s to highlight the point that as a “hardcore” fan, you’ll tend to love the guys with tremendous workrate and a desire for their craft. But, you won’t sell the majority of America to crane their necks to get a glimpse of these “ordinary” looking guys.

Is Daniel Bryan vs. Kane working for you? It’s not for me. We’ll probably get an acceptable match/bit involving Bryan at Summerslam, but I want Bryan to capitalize on his popularity right now in a meaningful way.

Call me absurd, but I’m hoping that WWE somehow convinces (i.e. cons) new Lakers’s hire Dwight Howard to show up, but gets blasted by Dr. Shaq. It's on like Donkey Kong.

I’m also hoping Dwight wears such a loud outfit that shames Smackdown’s GM Booker. “Oh, you’re wearing a penguin suit? Look at this: Diamond-encrusted clown shoes and glasses made totally out of gold. Blam.”

It’s indeed a bit odd for in-her-prime A.J. Lee to be cast as a General Manager. Eve could be in that GM role in a heartbeat. But, the Divas divisions in both WWE and TNA are both sinking in obscurity, so A.J. is fine where she is. Heck, for TNA’s “Hardcore Justice," ref Earl Hebner got more of shine in his potential involvement with that Rayne–Tessmacher match. Who's Earl going to choose? And, why is a bias ref officiating the match? You know, some wrestling companies have those little white ropes for tag team members to hold to give into the illusion that it's a real contest.

And, is WWE calling off Sheamus vs. Del Rio an audible that involves a punished Randy Orton? I wouldn’t think so. I’m not really jonesing for another Sheamus-Del Rio match, but it’s gonna raise eyebrows if you put Orton in a Summerslam co-main event after he got suspended for the second time. I would put my foot down and deny Orton that payday as punishment.

Switching over to tonight's TNA Hardcore Justice PPV, the best way I can describe the PPV is that it looks like a big smorgshaboard of weapon action featuring as many fatal four-way matches that’s allowed on a wrestling PPV.

(Quick interruption: Watching UFC 150 while I bang this out. I don’t think I could be a MMA ref. I would be too busy going, “DAMNNNN!” like in that movie "Friday.")

Other observations: Kenny King vs. Zema Ion looks good. Chavo Guerro wants you to forget that he once played a bird... The Aces and Eights gang will be beaten up by the cast of “Sons of Anarchy" (and the rest of the TNA wrestlers thank them for saving them because they are weak and helpless creatures). ... TNA will invite you to tweet Dixie... Claire will get too much air time... Variations of “This match is really awesome #HardcoreJustice” tweets will be shown on air…and people will boo James Storm even though TNA doesn’t want people to boo James Storm because they can't pull this sort of mystery angle off well." It looks like a fun show with at least a couple of mis-steps along the way.

That’s it for me. Bryan created the “Yes! Yes! Yes!” catchphrase, and I’m thinking of yelling that out during sex. If you did this, congrats to you, champ! Additional bonus points will be awarded if you...

-Did the finger pointing while saying it - 5 Points
-Had a Daniel Bryan T-Shirt on - 10 Points
-"Rise Of The Valykries" was playing - 20 Points
-Were with Claire - Negative 50 Points
-Instead yelled, "Who cares about sex, I'm worried about the dismantling of the global financial system!" - 100 Points And A Signed Autograph By Kevin Nash

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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