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BREAKING NEWS: TNA commissions new committee and subcommittee to replace X Division (satire) Jan 11, 2008 - 6:56:13 PM
Somehow, this press release snuck into the Corner Cube inbox. (Please refrain from excessive punctuation use when copying and pasting.)
NASHVILLE, TN [AP] -- TNA Entertainment, LLC announces that Total Non-Stop Action (TNA) announces formation of new committee that will broaden company's scope and reach in the sports entertainment market across multiple platforms including TV, radio, mobile, hotlines, ad bars, phishing, redirect sites, spyware, and pop-up viruses.
Following the successes of S.E.X., Elite Guard, and Kings of Wrestling, company introduces new Committee that will redirect creative energies behind the X Division. Following Team 3D's anticipated defeat of the X Division at TNA's !Against! ALL Odds! PPV, the X Division will disband, leaving TNA's crop of young, bland stars such as Jay Lethal, Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, and some other guys whose names don't come to mind, without a TV outlet to offer the most innovative three-minute throwaway matches and high-spot video game contests that iMpACt! fans have experienced on a weekly basis since TNA moved to two hours.
Committee will be commissioned to handle new and innovative tasks under the watchful eye of TNA's castrated authority figure Jim Cornette and that big guy with no purpose, M-m-m-matt Morgan.
Committee will act as intermediary to TNA fans by sending messages through TNA !Mobile!!! during TNA iMpACt! broadcasts explaining storylines or clarifying heel and babyface roles. Fans will gain unprecedented access inside the TNA creative room, with trivia contests, quizzes, and make-up-your-storyline-ending to taped matches. TNA wrestlers will be on standby to re-create match finishes based on best text message contest entry. Committee will print out and place each entry in a reindeer suit, and draw for best storyline. No writing or booking experience required!!! (All entries must be postmarked with the words LOL, BFFF, or WTF?! during opening minute of match, as some matches may last only two minutes.)
Considering TNA has accumulated the greatest young talent in wrestling to compete in the X Division, not everyone will be commissioned to monitor TNA !Mobile!!! contests. A separate subcommittee, Search Under Carters' Kitchen Sink, will be headed by TNA broadcaster/stooge/Angle apologist/Michael Buffer impersonator/Angle tailor/wandering-eye/backstage interviewer Jeremy Borash.
S.U.C.K.S. will report weekly to fans on the whereabouts of wrestlers and storylines. The priority list includes Jackie Gayda blackmail tape, Amazing Red, Dusty Rhodes's pick-up truck, Sonny Siaki, Trytan, Monty Brown, Samoa Joe's female friend with the broken ankle, Abyss's momma, Sting, Alex Shelley's "Eye Spy" segment, Bob Backlund's book, Raven, Rhino, the Ultimate X x-thingy from Toys-R-Us, Petey Williams's prescription, D-Ray 3000's pick, Scott Steiner c. 1998, Jeff Hammond's six points of !!impact!!!!, Maverick Matt Martyr Michael Shane Bentley, The Naturals, and Shane Douglas. Other assorted tasks may be assigned at a later date.
Company believes this is an exciting time for X Division, Committee, S.U.C.K.S., and TNA's new brand initiatives to penetrate fans with deeper, more meaningful, longer-lasting enchanted encounters with TNA talent across multiple platforms of communication.
Forward-looking statement: TNA's X Division, Committee, S.U.C.K.S. are registered trademarks of TNA Entertainment, LLC. President Dixie Carter presiding. Other people of note: the dudes hiding under the table with A.J. Styles and Jeremy Borash, the guys getting that paper shoveling that stink for Panda Energy, and the G.E.D. graduates generating TNA storylines in a dark room.
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