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KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
JULY 2, 2009
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

BOX SCORE BASICS

[Q1]


A video recap aired of the Samoa Joe-Main Event Mafia storyline. The title of the show is "Double J Takes Control."

After the Impact opening aired, the Main Event Mafia walked to the ring as Mike Tenay introduced the show. Don West said Mick Foley shouldn't have betrayed his agreement with the Mafia last week and stuck to his word. Angle sent a message to Sting that what he did last week wasn't personal, it was just business. Foley then walked out to the ring. When Foley began to talk, Angle interrupted and told him to save it. Angle said he committed the cardinal sin by betraying the boss last week. He reviewed their agreement and his augmentation of it. Angle said it's time to pay the band. Foley said all he was asking was for everyone to leave him alone and let him wrestle him at Victory Road. Angle said he lied to him. Angle ordered Scott Steiner to take out Foley's bodyguards. He hit them with his lead pipe. They put up no defense.

Foley called them the worst security duo in the world and said he's had the worst month of his life. He said all he asks is that out of respect for who he is, leave enough of him so he can recover enough to face him at Victory Road. Angle said, "What am I? Monte Hall." (First 1970s reference of the show.) Angle gave him options, with door one, door two, door three, or behind the curtain with Angle, Booker, Nash, or Joe his opponent. Foley took Door One and then hit Angle. The Mafia attacked him. As they beat him down, Jarrett's music played. He ran to the ring and the entire Mafia bailed out faster than Legacy did when Super Shane-O-Mac ran to the ring - although Jarrett needed a guitar and Shane just needed his magic fists. As the Mafia retreated and Angle trash-talked Foley, Jarrett turned and bashed Foley over the head with is guitar. [c]

They showed a clip from during the commercial break of Foley telling a medic he doesn't want help. He seemed fully recovered from the five-on-one attack just minutes earlier.

They went to Tenay and West on camera, who then threw backstage to security keeping Foley from getting at Jarrett, who yelled that things aren't going to work between them and he's through with him. Tenay then threw to an in-ring sitdown interview with Nash.

Tenay said Nash may be the most controversial figure ever. He talked about Nash jumping from the WWF to WCW in 1996. Nash said as Diesel he was on the road 300 days as WWF Champion. He said he barely made seven figures working that schedule. He said Eric Bischoff guaranteed them 1.5 million for half as many dates. He said before that guys never told each other what they were paid, but he and his friends began comparing SummerSlam PPV checks. Nash said that changed his mindset from "who's having a good match to who's getting paid." He said they are cared more about each other and looked out for everyone. He said it changed the landscape of the business. Tenay asked if everything with him has to revolve around money. He said the Legends Title shot against A.J. Styles has to mean something to him. Nash said anyone who's watched him the last two years can tell he's in the best shape he's been in in ten years. He said to beat Styles and win the Legend's Title, it'd be sweet, but the bottom line on top of all of that, on the autograph circuit, it adds thousands to a day at a convention because the kids want their picture taken with the belt. [c]

Backstage Abyss was freaking out and Lauren was panting and panicking as she does every week no matter what happens. Abyss picked her up and said he cares more about her than anyone. He said she must understand that he's sick and always will be. He said he never asked her to stop being a woman, so she shouldn't ask him to stop being a monster. She said he's not a monster, he's a man. Abyss said he'll be back to get her when it's all over. He then walked away yelling for Stevie.

(1) Amazing Red beat Cody Deaner (w/ODB) in 3:00. Red his a cool rotating dive onto Deaner at ringside. Deaner took over in the ring. Dreamer climbed to the top rope, turned his cap backwards, and went for a diving headbutt. Red moved and then hit a DDT off the ropes for the win. (*)

Abyss freaked out backstage. Security got in his face. Some bald guy with a gray beard said he might be a crazy old man, but he's not going to do this in his house, whatever "this" is and whoever he is. Abyss grunted and then they cut to another break. [c]

[Q3]

Borash caught up with Jarrett backstage and asked if he hadn't created enough commotion already. Angle walked in with the rest of the Mafia and said he just wanted a little chat. He promised there'd be no problems. Angle offered him a peace offering. He said they could rule the business together for the next ten years. Jarrett stood up, but didn't rub his chin this week, and said, "Screw your offer. There is no together, Kurt." He reviewed their history, saying he brought Angle in to help TNA, but he abused his authority and his spot. He said he's in charge and told Angle that he's going to wrestle tonight. He said he'd team with Joe against he and Styles. He said if he wins, he gets to retain the title, but whoever scores the pin will be the new TNA Heavyweight Champion. Booker yammered on in the background. Jarrett told them all to get the hell out of there.

Lauren interviewed Jenna backstage. She asked her how she plans to get out of a match against Sharmell because she's not actually a wrestler. Jenna said she'll fight her because Sharmell's not much of a wrestler anyway. Damn good point. It's not as if Sharmell is portrayed as more of a wrestler than Jenna. Sojo Bolt walked up and cut a promo on her and said she's got Sharmell's back. [c]

Borash interviewed Angle, who ripped the mic out of Borash's hands. He asked Jarrett if he realizes that he just signed his own death certificate with his own blood. He said he always wondered what it'd be like if he and Joe were a team. He said they'd be unstoppable. He asked Jarrett if he and A.J. are ready for that. Angle and Joe stormed away. Booker told Sharmell to go find Matt Morgan for him. She said he has two feet, so go find him himself. They argued and she gave in. Borash asked, "Is this John and Kate around here?"

[Q4]

(2) Eric Young pinned Rhino (w/Jesse Neal) in 3:00. West said Rhino's not known for his patience and recently he's been showing signs of frustration with Jesse Neal, perhaps because he's not advancing as quickly as he'd like. Young punched Neal at ringside when Neal got in his face. He hopped to ringside and threw him into the guard rail. Rhino didn't see any of it. A minute later Rhino had Young down, but Neal was distracting the ref. Rhino got up and complained. Young rolled him up and put his feet on the ropes for extra leverage for the win. (1/2*)

Sharmell was complaining to Lauren about being a carrier pigeon. She walked up to Matt Morgan who was on his cell phone complaining about a 24 Hour Gym closing at 9 p.m. Sharmell told Morgan that Angle wants to see him. Morgan asked her to repeat it. He was so excited he picked her up and spun her around. He said he knew it was a big day for him when he woke up and assumed he was being accepted into the Mafia. [c]

Borash asked Angle backstage if he was going to welcome Morgan into the Main Event Mafia. Morgan walked in and told Angle he knew this was going to be a big day for him. He asked about how many zeros would be on his checks. Angle said the Mafia is taking him under serious consideration. Morgan said he's done a lot to win them over including serving Sting on a silver platter. Angle said he's on the right page with them. He said he just needs Morgan to be sure Christopher Daniels gets nowhere near the ring. Morgan said his patience is running thin, so he should make the right decision and make it quickly.

A vignette aired promoting Sarita in two weeks.

[Q5]

(3) Awesome Kong (w/Ryesha Saeed) & Tara beat The Beautiful People when Kong pinned Velvet Sky after an Implant Buster

This match began a minute before the end of the first hour, perfect timing. Tenay's voice cracked as he ribbed West about his bragging about texting Velvet Sky at 3 a.m. all the time, saying, "There's a fine line between texting and sexting." Tara put a Tarantula on Sky's chest. West said, "I hope that's a male tarantula." There are some lines you just don't expect to ever hear during a wrestling show, and that's one of them. (*) [c]

Lauren interviewed Love, who was freaking out about the big spider with fangs and venom. She asked if this was wrestling or some wildlife show. She worried the spider could be crawling on her. Lauren asked what was on her shoulder, and Love ran away. Lauren smiled at the camera and said, "What goes around, comes around." [c]

A "Cross the Line" vignette aired with Brother Ray saying, "I will become."

[Q6]

(4) Booker T & Scott Steiner beat Team 3D in 6:00 to earn a TNA Tag Title shot at Victory Road. Beer Money Inc. walked to ringside and joined Tenay and West on commentary. Devon took a beating early, but at 4:00 Ray got the hot-tag and leaned house including a Bubba Bomb on Steiner. Booker fired back with a Book End for a near fall. Sheik Abdul Bashir and Kiyoshi walked to the announce table and took cheap shots at Beer Money Inc. Beer Money fought back. Meanwhile, Team 3D gave Booker a 3D for an apparent win, but Sharmell distracted the ref with her shoe. (It was shiny.) Steiner entered the ring, but Devon gave him a top rope flying headbutt between the legs as Ray held him prone. The crowd chanted for Team 3D to get the tables. They did. The British Invasion attacked Team 3D. Brutus Magnus hit Ray with the briefcase and then put Booker on top. The ref turned around and counted three. (*) [c]

[Q7]

Jethro Holiday was in the ring awaiting his scheduled opponent, Black Machismo. When he didn't come out, the camera went backstage where Abyss was attacking him. Abyss walked to the ring and said he's not going to see Dr. Stevie anymore. He said no more shock treatment. He vowed that when he got his hands on Stevie, he'd hoist him up and snap him across his shoulders like a twig. On the big screen, Stevie interrupted. He had captured Lauren who got to pant and panic and wail and cry yet again this week. Stevie said he won't do anything to her because he's not the monster she is. He said he's thought about it long and hard, though, and he said those two words in a sexually suggestive way. Abyss called for them to turn the video off. "You turned on me for this?" asked Stevie. He called her a "useless piece of meat." He said he owns Abyss mind, body, and soul and he will come to his office for therapy. He said if he doesn't, bad things will happen to Lauren. Tenay's reaction was that Abyss has no choice but to go to Dr. Stevie's therapy session next week.

Ring entrances took place for the main event. [c]

Jeremy Borash did formal ring introductions to give it a big match feel. He introduced Jarrett as the King of the Mountain. Wouldn't that be Angle at this point? Or did the match at Slammiversary not count?

[Q8]

(5) Kurt Angle & Samoa Joe beat Jeff Jarrett & A.J. Styles in 12:00. West said he thought earlier if Angle got pinned, the title changed hands, but he realized now that even if Joe got pinned, the title changed hands. He said Jarrett put himself in the best position possible, abusing his power. With Jarrett and Styles in control on Joe, they cut to a breka at 3:00. [c]

They showed Angle coming back with a suplex and Joe landing a flying knee on Styles during the break. At 10:00 Styles knocked the ref down. Jarrett hit a Stroke of the ropes, but the ref was out. Jarrett brought the guitar in the ring out of frustration. The ref stopped Jarrett, then Angle applied the anklelock. As Jarrett reached to tag Styles, Joe yanked Styles off the ring apron. Angle continued to apply the anklelock. Jarrett held on for a long time, enough for Tenay to call it a super-human effort. Jarrett passed out rather than tapout. (**)

Afterward, Nash, Booker, and Steiner joined Joe and Angle in the ring. They attacked Styles with Jarrett still blacked out in the ring. They cut backstage where Morgan was preventing Daniels from running to the ring to make a save. Then the lights went out in the ring, and when they came back on, Sting was standing there with a baseball bat in hand. There wasn't much suspense as Sting's music began playing even before the lights came on. He cleared the ring with his bat.

THOUGHTS, OBSERVATIONS, AND NITPICKS

ANGLE-JOE: So Joe turns in this huge payoff to a supposed multi-month storyline and a week later everything is focused on Angle vs. Foley, with Joe standing in the background saying nothing, explaining nothing... It also is unsatisfying to be watching a top heel in Angle matched against Foley right after Foley was finally established firmly as a heel. Is the viewer supposed to sympathize and root for anyone in this promotion?... Then Jarrett clears the ring of five wrestlers with is mere presence and one guitar? That's stretching things a bit. Maybe if it were Super Shane-O-Mac...

ABYSS-LAUREN: This is just getting exhausting. "You're a man!" I just don't know about this whole relationship - where it's been or where it's going. It's uncomfortable and tiring to watch Lauren melting down every week in various situations, some justifying her state of panic but mostly just bad overreacting and overacting... Who was that guy in Abyss's face backstage later? Sometimes I really do think TNA secretly has shows during the week I don't see where all of these unanswered questions are addressed... Later, when Stevie had captured Lauren, it was just more ridiculous than ever. Not that they did what they did, although that's bad enough, but that Tenay just treated it like Stevie gained that leverage necessary to get Abyss to another therapy session. I mean, we have a genuine kidnapping here and after the break, it wasn't even on anyone's radar. You just don't do kidnapping angles, especially a man kidnapping a woman, and not treat it like the centerpiece angle of a show. Otherwise, you just make a mockery of the whole thing by defining it down to a throwaway mid-card stunt not to be taken seriously. That aside, is anyone really invested in this storyline that has yet to hint at why Stevie is obsessed with being Abyss's doctor or create a believable scenario regarding Lauren falling for the monster Abyss. Without the nuances of a two hour build in a movie like "King Kong," and in the context of a wrestling show, it just has no sense of believability and thus is ineffective... Finally - and seriously - we need to go a few weeks with Lauren not panting and crying and acting like a woman trapped in a corner of a room with a chain saw mass murdered about to cut off her head. It's beyond ridiculous to just sad at this point...

JARRETT-MAFIA SEGMENT: With an hour's notice, they book Jarrett and Styles in a tag match with a chance to become TNA World Champion? How do you sell PPVs as being worth $30 when stip-filled, star-filled tag matches with the top title on the line are just thrown out there on a whim like this?...

YOUNG VS. RHINO: Again another situation where there's not a sympathetic figure. Young turned heel what now seems like months ago and then was ignored. Rhino acts like a jerk more often than not and is one of the least likable characters on the roster. And it goes without say that they're breaking up Rhino and Neal too quickly for it to mean anything...

TEAM 3D VS. BOOKER T & SCOTT STEINER: This should have been promoted a lot more in that first hour, just to make it feel more important by the time it happened. It was mentioned in passing, but by the time it began, it didn't feel like the whole show had been building to this moment... Although after watching, with that chaotic clustermess ending, maybe it's better they didn't viewers' hopes up.

MAIN EVENT TAG MATCH: The match itself was fine, although the finish was one of those TNA overbooked finishes usually reserved for PPV main events. Jarrett, by passing out rather than tap out, continues to fall into the pattern of every other booker who promotes themselves on top. It's little things like that which bookers tend to do for themselves, portraying themselves as so tough and such a fighter that they won't tapout even when interference kept Styles from getting a tag and when before that a ref bump kept him from getting the pin. Those two scenarios weren't enough for Jarrett to do the job by tapping out, he had to pass out from the pain instead... When the Mafia saw Sting with the bat, they attacked him. He fended them off, but they did try to go after him first. Earlier, when the Mafia saw Jarrett with the guitar, they fled the ring. So the lesson there is that Jarrett plus The Guitar is scarier than Sting plus the Baseball Bat. Another little thing that's part of Jarrett's booking himself a level above everyone else, doing what wrestlers say they'll never do until they get power and end up drunk with the same mix of ego and insecurites and "I've got the power, what the hell, why not?" attitude...

FINAL THOUGHTS: All of the terrible and tiring aspects of TNA with little of the positives that usually make it at least redeeming and watchable if you don't let the inefficient, ineffective, maddeningly paced low IQ booking get to you.

QUOTEBOOK

Jeff Jarrett to Kurt Angle: "This is my house and my company and we're playing by my rules tonight."

SoJo: "All I see is a pale anorexic pancake ass white girl who doesn't know what she's talking about."

Don West: "It's a little known fact that if the Beautiful People hadn't become professional wrestlers, they'd probably be at Harvard Medical School right now."

James Storm: "Don West, I want to know what kind of ChapStick you use."

Don West on Jarrett: "My god, how many monickers can you give one man?"

Don West on Jarrett: "It must be great to be the founder and make things up as you go along."

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