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KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
SEPTEMBER 10, 2009
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV
1 -- TEAM 3D vs. BEER MONEY vs. BRITISH INVASION vs. BOOKER T & SCOTT STEINER - Gauntlet Tag Match
This match was oddly joined in progress. Mike Tenay explained that management decided to book the match at the start of the show so the teams didn't fight backstage first. A minute into the joined-in-progress match, Booker T joined the match. Tenay said it was a tag team gauntlet match, but there was no further explanation of what that meant or what the structure or rules of the match were. A minute later James Storm came out wearing a beer bottle football helmet. Taz said that's what Tenay was wearing at the hotel the previous night. They showed Angle watching backstage. At 6:00 Team 3D gave the 3D to Steiner md-ring. Devon made the cover, Brutus Magnus and Booker broke up the pin, then Magnus stole the cover and got the three count. They showed Angle jumping out of his chair upset with the result. Booker and Steiner got in the face of the Brits afterward.
WINNERS: British Invasion in 7:00 of TV time, 11:00 overall.
STAR RATING: * [c]
-Backstage Angle was hot and yelled at the Brits. Eric Young stepped in and told Angle he should know better. Booker shouted at the Brits that they're rookies. Yeah, when you think of Doug Williams, you think "rookie."
-Tenay and West were shown at ringside hyping two Knockout tag matches. At least TNA is figuring out what draws ratings. They also plugged Angle & Samoa Joe vs. A.J. Styles & (Sometimes Christopher) Daniels.
-Angle walked to the ring and then Matt Morgan joined him. Angle said their relationship has been a bumpy ride because of Morgan misinterpreting his actions. Angle said everything he does is in his best interest. Angle dangled the carrot again, saying the entire MEM is in agreement that he's on the cusp of joining the MEM. Morgan said, showing with his tone he gets the game Angle is playing, that he figures there's just one more thing he needs. Sting's music then played and he and Styles walked out.
Taz and Tenay reviewed the Sting-Styles storyline. Sting told Morgan is a complete mind-blow to him that he thinks Angle will have his back. This makes Sting look gullible because it's clear Morgan doesn't buy a thing Angle is saying. Sting wanted Morgan to get in Angle's face and tell him they're fighting for the title at the PPV. He asked Morgan if he thinks for a second that he needs Angle to help him achieve his potential. Sting said MEM needs him, not vice-versa. Angle told Sting to shut up. He looked at Styles and tried to talk him into believing that Sting doesn't want to pass him the torch, he wants to burn him with it. He said Sting has lost a step, but he wants to use him to steal the TNA Title. He said Sting is an older wrestler who wants another shot in the sun. Angle said he isn't afraid to admit he wants to retain his title and he will keep it. Styles asked him to repeat it. Morgan stepped in and thanked Angle for finally admitting in front of the entire world that he's using him to get what he wants. He asked him what use he'll have for him after he retains the title. Angle said it's not like that. Morgan asked Angle why wait until No Surrender. He offered to be in his corner against Angle and Daniels. He told Angle to use him just like he plans to use him at No Surrender. [c]
-Lauren interviewed Earl Hebner about the controversial decision he made last week after Eric Young, disguised as Homicide, attacked Sting. She asked him why he DQ'd Hernandez when it was obviously not his partner who interfered. Hebner said, "Who in the hell are you to ask me that?" He said he's been in the business over 25 years. Lauren said she's just asking what the fans want to know. He said he knew nothing about Young going into business for himself. He said trust nobody. Well, that answered nothing other than referee's are dolts.
-Jeremy Borash chatted with Mick Foley backstage as two kids wrestled on a couch. Foley said it was Take Your Kids to Work Day. Borash asked Foley about fighting Nash next week for the Legends Title on Impact. Foley slipped in that he got 16 stitches after his last match with Nash. Foley said he's not sure what will happen, but he's looking forward to it. There was a knocking at the door and then Dr. Stevie walked in. Foley said he's impressed with his psychoanalysis, but he said about 14 years ago they both strutted their way out of the ECW Arena. When Foley said "Stevie Richards," Richards said, "How dare you bring up that name? I'm Dr. Stevie." Foley said he has a chance to collect his own bounty. Stevie said he's not a wrestler, he's a doctor. Foley insisted he wrestle Abyss as schedule. Borash said that's the Foley he knows and remembered. Foley said there's more where that came from.
2 -- DAFFNEY & ALISSA FLASH vs. TAYLOR WILDE & SARITA - TNA Knockouts Tag Tournament
There was a grand-piano-sized object under a big red covering at ringside. Taz said he knew what it was, but he wouldn't tell Tenay. Taz tried to get a long one-liner out about Daffney's "gothic goodies" but near falls kept interrupting it and he acknowledged that the action was getting in the way of him getting his line off.
WINNERS: Satira & Wilde when Sarita pinned Flash in 5:00.
STAR RATING: *1/4
-Borash interviewed The World Elite. Borash told Eric Young that Angle is going to pay them a visit. Young said he told him they were going to do what it takes and if anyone should understand that, it should be Angle. Young said The World Elite doesn't have a plan other than just doing the right thing. He told Angle, from one leader to another, that his door is always open so he can come chat anytime. [c]
-Lauren interviewed Suicide backstage. She asked him why "The Street Preacher" DiAngelo Dinero has targeted him as his mark. Suicide said The Pope realizes that he has lived and died on the same streets he preaches from, and when he speaks of the light, to him and his church, he represents a threat. He said next week "The Dark Savior" is coming and "it's going to be a cleansing of the wicked. Lauren turned to the camera and said that next week, "the match we've all been waiting for" (is there an emptier phrase and, in this case, more empty phrase than that in pro wrestling?), will finally happen.
-Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin walked to ringside, pulling tissues out of their customized tissue box holders. They removed the mystery red sheet and revealed a table with monitors and headsets. They added commentary to the next match, mixing with Tenay and Taz.
3 -- "THE POPE" D'ANGELO DINERO (w/So Cal Val) vs. "BLACK MACHISMO" JAY LETHAL
Dinero, Tenay says, is "a street preacher from Harlem, New York." He said he continues to impress people more and more with each match. Lethal connected with a dive through the ropes on Dinero at ringside. They amazingly didn't cut to a commercial at this moment. Tenay said an example of referees having more authority is the absence of Consequences Creed at ringside. After cracking jokes, Sabin and Shelley went silent and Tenay and West took over. At 3:00 Tenay said the MEM are on their way to the World Elite locker room and they'd bring us footage as soon as this match was over. Dinero won with his DDE (D'Angelo Dinero Express) double-knee charge into the corner.
WINNER: Dinero in 5:00.
STAR RATING: *1/2
-Backstage, Angle told Young that if he wanted their attention, he got it. He told Young that he needs to make a decision now about whether they're going to be on the side of the Mafia or not. Young said he won't apologize for earlier because he promised to do what it takes. He said they've got to stick together. He said they can rule the industry starting with No Surrender. He offered Angle a hand shake. Steiner spit on the floor and asked if the "foreigners" had anything they want to say. Taz chuckled, "Awe, Steiner is so P.C." [c]
4 -- ANGELINA LOVE & VELVET SKY vs. MADISON RAYNE & ROXXI
They went to Shelley and Sabin during ring intros again for brief witticisms. Then Tenay and Taz took over again once the match began. Roxxi was Rayne's mystery partner, and the Beautiful People threw a fit when she came out. Taz said in life there are ones, twos, and threes. He said Love is a one, Velvet is a two, and Madison couldn't handle being a three. Tenay interjected that Love and Sky are 1a and 1b. Love pinned Rayne with a handful of tights.
WINNERS: Love & Sky when Love pinned Rayne with a handful of tights at 3:00.
-Cody Deaner approached Foley backstage. He claimed he's the King of the Knockouts and he wanted to showcase his skills, MaMaJammAs Match, which he called an MMA match for short. It was tough to hear half of what was said there or what exactly they ended up agreeing to.
-Clips aired of Kevin Nash vs. Mick Foley in the bloodfest at the past PPV. Then they hyped the Foley-Nash rematch for the "coveted TNA Legends Championship." [c]
-Foley joined Tenay and Taz at ringside.
5 -- ABYSS vs. DR. STEVIE RICHARDS
An on screen graphic plugged that WWE wrestlers were backstage at the last Impact tapings. To find out whom, you could text TNA. Stevie attacked Abyss on the ramp. When they entered the ring, Abyss began no-selling Dr. Stevie's attack and then fired back with some chops of his own. He rallied the crowd and then charged Stevie in the corner and flattened him. Then he finished him with a Black Hole Slam.
WINNER: Abyss in 2:00.
-Afterward, Nash blindsided Abyss with a running clothesline and then his signature knees in the corner. Stevie then got up, showing no effects from the Black Hole Slam, and began punching Abyss. Foley made the save, throwing Stevie out of the ring. He then stared down Nash, who bailed out of the ring. Nash rubbed his fingers together, indicating that he doesn't fight unless there's money at stake in an official match. [c]
-The World Elite stood center-ring. He said there is a lot of controversy regarding the World Elite and he wouldn't have it any other way. He said their no. 1 goal is to recruit Hernandez. He said the World Elite has offered him an olive branch on several occasions. They showed Shelley playing video games at ringside while eating a snack. Young said he considers him brainwashed now. Hector Guerrero entered the ring and told Young they may not be Americans, but this is their country and those are their fans. He said things are going to get out of hand if they keep going in the direction they're going. Young said it's the fault of the people who chose to piss on them and treat them as second class citizens. He said Hector should know that as much as anyone. He said the only reason he's still standing there is because he respects him, what he's done in the business, and what the Guerrero name means to pro wrestling. He told Hector to go in the back and tell Hernandez to pay really close attention to the show tonight because he's going to give him a reason to talk to him face-to-face.
-Tara was shown warming up backstage in MMA gear. Tenay said something tells him she might be the opponent for The Deaner. [c]
6 -- TARA vs. CODY DEANER
More commentary from Shelley and Sabin that went past ring intros into the action. Deaner walked out in Zubas pants, bare feet, and a red padded sparring helmet with his fists and ankles wrapped in duct tape. Tara slapped Cody when he stuck his chin out. Then she front thrust kicked him into the corner. She followed with a takedown. Shelley said that may be a mount, "but I don't know any UFC moves." Deaner went into a crane pose. Tara took him down and pounded on his head and then applied a cross armbreaker. Deaner grabbed the ropes to force a break. Deaner swung at Tara, but Tara moved and the ref took the blow. Tara then punched Deaner a few times. Awesome Kong entered the ring so Tenay and Taz took over commentary. She gave Tara an Implant Buster. The ref turned around and saw Tara down and out and awarded the win to Deaner.
WINNER: Deaner in 3:00. [c]
-Tenay and Taz plugged upcoming TNA events.
-Lauren interviewed Deaner backstage. He bragged about beating up "that spider monkey" from pillar to post. He said to add her name to his list of knockouts with Mike Tyson, Chuck Norris, Tony Danza, and Carrot Top ("And he's jacked!" exclaimed Deaner). He said he wants to add ODB to his list of knockouts at No Surrender. He said he "wants to be the first TNA Knockout in history who doesn't pop a squat."
-They went to Tenay and Taz at ringside who hyped the line-up for No Surrender. They added an eight-man tag match in the Lethal Lockdown cage match. Taz threw to a clip of an off-site attack of Bobby Lashley. Black and white security footage aired of Rhino showing up at a gym where Lashley was working out and attacking him. He tossed a heavy bag on him and pounded him and yelled, "Welcome to TNA!" Tenay said Rhino went way too far. [c]
7 -- A.J. STYLES & DANIELS vs. KURT ANGLE & SAMOA JOE
Samoa Joe is still in TNA? Matt Morgan sat at ringside. Taz said Shelley and Sabin were still playing video games at ringside, "missing a heck of a match." Taz referenced Kronus and Saturn when Daniels and Styles hit Joe with a high-low type move, called "Total Elimination." At 5:00 Joe hit a snap powerslam and then attempted to apply a cross armbreaker. Styles flipped out of it, but some damage was done before he forced a break in the ropes. Styles fired back with a Pele Kick a minute later. Taz said he hates soccer, but he loves that kick. Daniels and Angle were both hot-tagged in. Joe broke up a submission hold by Daniels. Daniels tagged in Styles, then hit his BME, followed by a Styles frog splash. Joe used a senton to break up the pin attempt. Joe and Daniels fought at ringside. Morgan held up a chair so Angle could throw Styles into it, but Styles reversed Angle into the hair. Styles then rolled up and pinned Angle. Morgan laughed and shrugged. Taz wondered if it was a mistake.
WINNERS: Styles & Daniels in 8:00.
STAR RATING: **1/4
-After the match Angle slapped Morgan. Morgan gave Angle a Hellivator in response, then tore off his shirt and yelled. Tenay said after No Surrender, Morgan could be the World Heavyweight Champion.
-They cut backstage to the World Elite carrying Homicide to the back. Young said it's blood on Hernandez's hands. [c]
-Back from a late break, the World Elite had Homicide in the ring. Young called for Hernandez to join the World Elite of Homicide's blood would be on his hands. Hernandez did swiftly walk to the ring. He went after World Elite and cleared the ring of everyone. He pressed Sheik Abdul Bashir over the top rope. Young swung a chair at Hernandez, but Hernandez blocked it. Young's scurry out of the ring would have made Bobby Heenan in his prime proud. Great chickenshit heel bailout. Young could make a great heel manager if they stick with one character for him and let him develop it for several years. Hernandez bent over to check on Homicide. Homicide warned him about the Brits coming after him, but then he hit Hernandez with a chair from behind. The crowd booed and Young smiled. There was no evidence of World Elite actually hitting Homicide. They merely dragged him around and held him captive, so it was all a ruse. World Elite ganged up on Hernandez and took turns taking shots at him when he was down. Young smiled at Homicide and extended a hand. Homicide shook his hand. Tenay said that sealed the deal. Homicide draped a Mexican flag over Hernandez, which Tenay called the "ultimate in dishonor." The show ended with the Brits holding Homicide on their shoulders. Or as Oasis would say, "their shoulder."
Taz cliche watch: "It's pretty cool in my book." ... "She is a tough hombre, if I can use a cliche line." ...
Mike Tenay: "Wait a minute. She's an hombre? So now you're like an equal opportunity butcher. You can butcher both English and Spanish."
Taz in response: "Apparently you're not familiar with my commentary work. For years I've been doing that. Somebody told me I have a grammar issue. I don't know what they're talking about."
Kurt Angle: "Everything I said in the past and moving forward will always be in your best interest. Maybe you're a little bit too immature to understand it now, but in due time you will."
Kurt Angle: "Sting is an older wrestler and all older wrestlers want one last shot at glory in the sun."
Mick Foley: "A wise man once said, 'Sometimes wrestlers wrestle.'"
Taz on Daffney: "I deemed her zombie-hot. That got over huge, by the way. Daffney, she's got the gothic goodies that one would need to have a splendid evening in like a dark and dirty dungeon. You can relate to that."
Taz: "The very lovely and pasty Daffney." Chris Sabin: "I don't like him or his face or his sparkly robe. I don't like how it looks like he's wearing a cup."
Taz in response: "I've never looked at that area of Jay Lethal."
Alex Shelley on D'Angelo Dinero: "How many quarters did he have to put in those machines at the carnival to win that jewelry."
Alex Shelley on Dinero: "The resident TNA winner of the Michael Jackson look-alike contest. Too soon? Not soon enough?"
Taz on Jay Lethal: "He's a little weird and stuff. He's stuck in a time warp. I saw him earlier today and he called Muraco. He thinks I'm Magnificent Muraco. Everybody knows I'm, like, three inches taller than Don Muraco."
Chris Sabin: "I'm really glad we brought these tissues out because I usually need one after their ring entrance."
Taz: "I'm supposed to look at the monitor? I didn't know that. I've been doing this ten years. All this time I've been looking at the ring."
Cody Deaner: "I've got a lot of experience fighting off women. I mean, I'm fighting off cougars every day who want to run their hands through this thick and awesome hair. But I don't have a lot of experience fighting woman, like ODB."
Chris Sabin on Cody Deaner: "That's the kind mustache that commands authority."
Alex Shelley in response: "That's also the type of mustache that drives a white child-molesting van."
Taz: "What's with Sting lately? Is he like the new Tony Robbins, a motivational speaker? He's motivating all these guys around here." Send feedback on this article to firstname.lastname@example.org and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.