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Whatever happened to all this season's losers of the year?
Every time I got to thinking, where'd they disappear?
- "Surrender" by Cheap Trick
Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column.
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from TNA management. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive the Original 1911 Brand Popcorn Cart. This fully-functional, stylish popcorn cart is modeled after the type used when vendors roamed the streets of America back in 1911. Furnished by Paragon. Also, there's one "7-11" up on the board. If you correctly solve all seven clues in thirty seconds, you sweep that category and win $1,100. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.
To give you an idea of how Total Nonstop Action operates, last month the promotion brought in Trademarc, the white boy rapper who worked on John Cena's CD, to do Kurt Angle's new theme song and be the "other man" dating Karen Angle as part of the Kurt Angle swerve. The scary part is, the promotion thought somebody might care.
For once, we're going to take this seriously. The matches need to be in a certain order.
On the Taped Pre-Show: Enjoy "The Road to Hard Justice", with that super duper special bonus match of Jay Lethal vs. Eric Young vs. Sharkboy.
Major Announcement: TNA Impact is expanded to two hours next month. The first two-hour episode should take place the Thursday before Bound for Glory.
Voodoo Kin Mafia vs. Latin American Xchange vs. Team 3D vs. Motor City Machine Guns vs. Triple X vs. Christian's Coalition vs. Sonjay Dutt & Petey Williams vs. Raven & Havok vs. Eric Young & Shark Boy vs. Lance Hoyt & Jimmy Rave (Tag Team Gauntlet Match): For the sake of argument, and for booking purposes, we'll place Hoyt with Southern indy wrestler Vordell Walker, or whoever's handy. Projection? We get down to Triple X vs. the Coalition. Elix Skipper distracts Styles, and Triple X puts A.J. away with the Angel's Wings/double stomp combo.
Kurt Angle vs. Jay Lethal (TNA X Division Title): The first of three title defenses for the Olympic Hero on the night. Projection? Lethal puts up a good effort, but Angle wins clean with the Anklelock.
"Wildcat" Chris Harris vs. "Black Reign" Dustin Rhodes (No Disqualification): Look on the bright side. At least Dustin isn't on the gas. Projection? Harris wins in a bloodbath after hitting Rhodes with a cinder block or a typewriter or something. Seriously, as long as this feud ends, who cares?
Kaz Kazarian vs. Robert Roode (w/ Our Ms. Brooks): Ms. Brooks is just NOW noticing that she's been mistreated by Robert Roode? Yikes. Projection? Kaz puts away Roode with the Flux Capacitor, but Traci does not leave with Kaz.
Kurt Angle vs. Abyss (TNA Heavyweight Title): Raise your hand if you don't know how the finish of this match will go down. Projection? Judas Mesias comes out from under the ring and bludgeons Abyss, making him easy pickings for the champ and the Olympic Slam. Angle is 2 for 2.
Rhino vs. James Storm (w/ Jackie Moore): The question of the night is whether Russo will pull a shocking swerve and put Storm and Rhino together as the tag team of "Whiskey Business". Projection? No, on second thought, we need this match to take place. Storm and Jackie try to tempt Rhino with various concoctions. Rhino dominates until Storm breaks a beer bottle over the War Machine for the intentional loss.
Samoa Joe vs. Christian Cage: You'd think this would be a bigger deal. The story of the match is that Joe is upset with Cage for injuring one of his Samoan fire dancers on Impact. No, really. Projection? Joe survives the interference of Styles and Tomko before Cage steals one with his feet on the ropes in order to maintain his unblemished record in the Impact Zone.
Sting & Kurt Angle vs. Team PacMan (TNA World Tag Team Title Match): PacMan Jones can't wrestle. That's not changing. Lance Hoyt comes out to team with Killings, and PacMan is the manager. This also enables Christy Hemme to join Team PacMan, since these guys need a female with them. Projection? Angle and Sting can't get along. Angle goes to hit Killings with a chair, but accidentally pastes Sting, enabling Killings to score the win and Team Pac Man captures the tag team titles.
Aftermath: Next month is Bound For Glory. We should see Angle vs. Sting, Team PacMan vs. Triple X, and the big Samoa Joe vs. Christian Cage rematch.
*** Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He recommends John Feinstein's "Next Man Up" for your reading enjoyment. His "McNeill Factor" column appears weekly in the Torch Newsletter.
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