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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for this month's WWE pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from members of the McMahon Family. Projections are not predictions. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Contestants not appearing on stage will receive a year's supply of Fruit Stripe chewing gum. The original fruit striped gum in five juicy flavors, furnished by Beech Nut. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, but still had to run Sunday's pay-per-view with the advertised matches.
This year's episode of WWE Unforgiven features the return of the Undertaker. The Dead Man had lucky timing with his injury. He was absent during the rough patch WWE has been going through over the last three months. This show also poses the metaphysical question of how the hell Randy Orton managed to avoid getting suspended under the WWE wellness policy. Also, there's a question of how WWE Cruiserweight Champion Hornswoggle fits into the picture. I'm guessing there will be wacky skits involved.
Well, It's a Big Pre-Show: Go check out Candice Michelle versus Melina on WWE Heat. Or you can relive the classic Jeff Hardy vs. Great Khali match from WWE Raw on the pre-show.
Matt Hardy & Montel V. Porter vs. Deuce & Domino (w/ Cherry) (Smackdown Tag Team Titles): The past two weeks of Smackdown have featured a big game of one-upmanship between tag team champions MVP and Matt Hardy. Meanwhile, Deuce and Domino have continued an unimpressive streak of singles matches. Projection? Matt Hardy pins Deuce after MVP interferes with a Playmaker. The odd couple storyline continues.
Candice Michelle vs. Beth Phoenix (WWE Women's Title): The former Playboy cover girl is in with the pneumatically enhanced Glamazon. Candice has put in a ton of effort over the past few months, but any major women's match in WWE has the potential to get ugly. Projection? Candice steals one with a rollup to retain her belt, but you know with two hours of Raw every week, Phoenix is due for another shot.
Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. Brian Kendrick & Paul London (Raw World Tag Team Titles): Cade and Muroch are doing their "respectful champions" schtick again. The refocus on the WWE tag team division is what happens when a bunch of wrestlers get suspended. Projection? A beltshot from Murdoch and Cade pins Brian Kendrick. Nothing to see here.
C.M. Punk vs. Elijah Burke (ECW Heavyweight Title): Due to John Morrison's suspension, C.M. Punk makes his first defense as ECW champion against longtime foe Elijah Burke. Projection? Burke escapes the Go To Sleep, but Punk scores the victory with the "Welcome to Chicago" backbreaker.
Hunter H. Helmsley vs. Carlito C. Cool: After suspensions to Ken Kennedy, Umaga and King Booker, Carlito gets the nod to participate in a big pay-per-view match. Projection? Triple H wins clean with the Pedigree in under ten minutes as The Game tries to rebuild his stamina.
The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry: The return of the Dead Man is good news for Mark Henry. Some of us had forgotten the World's Strongest Man was still on the roster. Projection? The Tombstone piledriver seems out of the question as does the Last Ride powerbomb, so let's have 'Taker win clean with the chokeslam.
The Great Big Khali vs. Dave Batista vs. Rey Mysterio (Smackdown World Heavyweight Title): One of these things just doesn't belong here. Actually, this is a semi-clever way to avoid a straight up meeting between Batista and Khali. Projection? Patriots 31, Chargers 17. Oh, wait. The other projection…Khali gets worn out chasing Mysterio around the ring, making him easy pickings for a Batista Bomb. Big Dave captures the Smackdown title, thank goodness.
John Cena vs. Randy Orton (WWE Heavyweight Title): Cena is dying to get his hands on Orton as a result of what Orton did to Cena's wrestling manager dad. If WWE trusted Bob Orton, we could have a father and son mixed tag team match at some point. Projection? Orton gets an early advantage. Cena gets Orton down and refuses to stop beating on Orton, knocking down referee Mike Chioda when the official tries to stop Cena. Orton by disqualification.
Aftermath: We have another pay-per-view in three weeks as WWE takes us to No Mercy. Expcet to see Matt Hardy vs. MVP, Batista vs. Undertaker, and Cena vs. Orton in a Chicago Street Fight.
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Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Virginia has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. As always, his advice to WWE Creative is free, and he passes the savings along to you. His longer, weekly column appears exclusively in the Torch Newsletter. Pat McNeill’s first book, "The Tables All Were Broken", is available from many fine booksellers.
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