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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for this month's WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from members of the McMahon Family. Projections are not predictions. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Creamette's macaroni. Creamette's is the quick cooking elbow macaroni with easy, quick recipes on every box. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, before the real creative team steps in and ruins everything.

John Cena was injured on Monday night during a match with Ken Kennedy, ruining WWE's original plans for the main event of this pay-per-view. WWE hasn't leaked word of their plans for Sunday, only that there will be a new WWE champion. The promotion has had injury problems over the past two years, and they're developing a knack for filling vacated championships. But this time, the vacancy will play out on pay-per-view. Maybe it's time to try something different.

Well, It's a Big Pre-Show: Go check out Ron Simmons versus Shawn Daivari on WWE Heat. Or you can watch tons of footage of John Cena getting injured on the official pre-game show. Or watch the main event from TNA Impact, or the main event from ROH Driven.

At The Start Of The Show: Vince McMahon comes out, flanked by William Regal, and announces that all of the other advertised matches will take place as scheduled, plus there will be an eight man tournament to crown a new WWE champion.

Matt Hardy & Montel V. Porter vs. Kane & Undertaker (Smackdown Tag Team Titles): Does anyone else think we've dragged out the Matt Hardy vs. MVP feud a little bit too long? This would be the perfect place to wrap it up. Projection? MVP walks out on the match in the late going, leaving Matt to eat a Tombstone piledriver from The Undertaker. The Brothers of Destruction are your new Smackdown tag team champions.
William Regal announces that the first tournament match will feature the top contender for the WWE Heavyweight title, Randy Orton, against the winner of the WWE.com online poll. So…

Val Venis vs. Randy Orton (WWE Title Tournament Match): Hey, this is an easy way to make Orton look good, plus Venis really needs the boost from a rare pay-per-view appearance. Projection? Orton wins clean with the RKO and Santino Morella shows up to deliver a few cheap shots to the prone Venis.

Rey Mysterio vs. Fit Finlay (WWE Title Tournament Match) : Hey, why not add a couple of Smackdown wrestlers to the mix? Plus, JBL gets to deliver some incredibly biased color commentary. Who don't like that? Projection? Bradshaw stands up from the announce table and gets on the apron, distracting Rey and letting Finlay grab the win with the shillelagh.

Candice Michelle vs. Beth Phoenix (WWE Women's Title): Yes, we did see this three weeks ago. Yes, Beth Phoenix is the most logical choice to hold the title. But there are only two actual contenders for her to wrestle once she does. So, maybe now isn’t the best time to make the switch. Projection? Candice actually wins the match with the Candy Wrapper. Phoenix gets the title on the Raw right after Cyber Sunday and carries it through WrestleMania.

Triple H vs. Umaga (WWE Title Tournament Match): This match gets added to the big WWE title tournament. What is Mr. McMahon up to? Projection? Triple H wins by disqualification due to Vince's interference.

Jeff Hardy vs. Ken Kennedy (WWE Title Tournament Match): Ken Kennedy demands to be part of the tournament and claims that he was actually the man who injured John Cena. The Intercontinental Champ is his opponent. Projection? Hardy wins clean with the Swanton, and Mr. K throws a temper tantrum.

C.M. Punk vs. Big Daddy V (w/ Matt Striker) (ECW Heavyweight Title): What in the hell did the 1.4 percent of America who watch ECW do to deserve this matchup? Projection? Striker goes to hit Punk with an international object (or, now that we're in a new decade, an "object of diversity") and accidentally clocks poor V with the weapon, enabling Punk to steal one with a flash pin.

Dave Batista vs. Great Big Khali (Smackdown World Heavyweight Title – Punjabi Prison): In the immortal words of Han Solo, I have a bad feeling about this. Projection? Batista escapes the Punjabi prison when Khali gets wedged inside the trap door and gets stuck. The show is delayed fifteen minutes while the ring crew extracts the immobile one from the bamboo. (Hey, it could happen.)

Jeff Hardy vs. Finlay vs. Triple H vs. Randy Orton (WWE Heavyweight Title Match – Fatal Four Way): The match is no disqualification by order of "Slick" William Regal.
Projection? Umaga, Vince and a couple of undercard henchmen hit the ring to attack Triple H. Hunter grabs a sledgehammer and they all fight to the back. Jeff Hardy has Finlay pinned after the swanton, but Randy Orton dumps Jeff out of the ring, grabs the easy fall, and celebrates with the WWE Championship belt.

After the main event: Lights. Camera. Jericho. Chris Jericho returns to WWE and challenges the new champion, saying that he's the one legend "Reggie Morton" can't kill.

Aftermath: We have another pay-per-view in three weeks as we head to WWE Cyber Sunday. Fans choose Orton's opponent from among Jeff Hardy, Ken Kennedy or Jericho. It's Batista vs. Finlay with a choice of special referees, Kane & Undertaker defending against Khali & Mark Henry, and Triple H vs. Umaga with a choice of stipulations.

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Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Virginia has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He's still hoping against hope that his Anaheim Angels can defeat the Boston Red Sox. His longer, weekly column appears exclusively in the Torch Newsletter. Pat McNeill’s first book, "The Tables All Were Broken", is available from many fine booksellers.


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